Act I, Scene I (in Redwall's Great Hall)

Thedor: I confess, I am restless

Circe: Then take up your sword, noble warrior that you are

Thedor: Even my mighty and revered sword (hoist Martin's sword) brings me no pleasure. When can we be married?

Circe: Four days. You've known that for what-a season?

Thedor (to Soapstone): Go—uh, tell—wait, no, that won't—uh—OH JUST GO TELL PEOPLE TO BE HAPPY AND CELEBRATE, FOR GOODNESS SAKES!

Soapstone: Sure. Whatever. I'm going. I'll be back in Act 5, when I actually get a chance to TALK for more than one line.

(Exit Soapstone)

Circe: Hey, look, it's Aquiline, and—some random squirrels and mice. I think that's her daughter, Andromeda.

(Enter Aquiline, Andromeda, Logan, Dirk, and Dorjan)

Aquiline-I would say something reverent here, but I'm just a warrior hillbilly with no good sense at all.

Thedor: What's the matter? How dare you disturb me when I have nothing to do anyway?

Aquiline: I'm fed up. Andromeda here has been engaged to Dorjan here since before we got captured. Now that we're at this Redwall place, she claims to like this Logan dude and not want to marry Dorjan.

Circe: Why not let her marry Logan?

Aquiline: Because this guy here, Dirk, is Logan's brother. His clan and mine have been feuding for years. So Andro and Logan aren't allowed to like each other.

Thedor: Why are you feuding?

Dirk: That's a good question.

Logan: According to the dusty, ancient tome I found in the gate house that is actually the Rambling Musings of So-and-So the Wanderer, Aquiline's clan and Dirk's are supposed to fight because Dirk's great-great-great-great grandfather Thingo stole Aquiline's great-great-great-great grandmother Thingy's apple turnover.

Andromeda: Oh, Logan, you are sooo amazingly smart! You are probably the smartest mouse I know!

Dorjan: Yeah, but, have you forgotten, Andro, sweet, I'M ENGAGED TO YOU!

Thedor: Okay, okay, since I don't really care, and I want to get back to doing nothing like I was already doing, I will give Andromeda four days to choose. Her choices are: marry Dorjan, like Aquiline wants, or drown in the Abbey pond. And because I'm feeling particularly generous, she can also choose to become a Sister here at Redwall Abbey. Which of course means that she can't marry ANYONE.

Aquiline: That's fair. Enough.

Dirk: So long as my all-important feud with old broom-tail over there can go on undisturbed.

Aquiline: What did you just call me?

Dirk: Broom-tail!

Aquiline: Big-ears!

Circe: Peace, you two.

Thedor: Now now, Circe, don't disturb yourself. Aquiline, Dirk, can you take your feuding elsewhere?

(Exit Dirk and Aquiline, quarreling)

Dorjan: Do I get to say anything else? I only got to speak once.

Thedor: Unfortunately, you have nothing else important to do.

Dorjan: I might as well leave.

(Exit Dorjan, pouting)

Circe: Come, Thedor, back to our all-important doing nothing, while we leave these two who aren't supposed to be in love unguarded to come up with secret plots.

Thedor: Sounds good to me.

(Exit Thedor and Circe)

Logan: Oh, Andro, what are we going to do?

Andromeda: I'm supposed to be a stupid helpless country-bred little squirrel warrior, remember?

Logan: Oh yeah, and I'm supposed to come up with the brilliant plans. Hmm….I should say something sappy and poetic here, shouldn't I?

Andromeda: According to the script, yes.

Logan: Hmmm…..got it! How about "The course of true love never did run smooth"?

Andromeda: Sappy, but I think that's copyrighted by Shakespeare, in the extremely romantic play this one is supposed to be based on. However, the author's mind being the twisted labyrinth it is, (A/N, this is true) the two plays bear almost no resemblance.

Logan: Whatever. Time for my brilliant plan: Let's sneak away into the extremely dangerous Mossflower Wood (where I might mention we have never been without an adult) to try and reach the home of my aunt, who's not part of Dirk's clan. There the law of Redwall can't catch us, and I can marry you.

Andromeda: Sounds okay to me. Now it is time to create even more romantic tension-with the timely arrival of Tessa!

Tessa: Hi. I like Dorjan. You are, like, so lucky to, like, be engaged to him, Andro!

Andromeda: I hate him, but he likes me!

Tessa: I like, like him, but he like, hates me! Because he is, like, mister "look at my archery skills" great-and-powerful-squirrel warrior, and I……

Logan: Am a mouse?

Tessa: No, I'm like, a poor kitchen maid serving under, like, Friar Bump.

Andromeda: Because I for some unexplainable reason feel sorry for you, I will tell you the secret we promised to tell nobody: Logan and I are escaping into Mossflower Wood…so I can get away from Dorjan!

Logan: Well, good luck with Dorjan. Come, Andromeda, we need to pack.

(Exit Logan and Andromeda)

Tessa: I am so like, smart that this great plan, like, occurs right away to me. I'll, like, tell old Dorjan about Logan and, like, Andromeda escaping, and he'll like, follow them, and I'll like, follow him!

(Enter Friar Bump)

Friar Bump: Back to work, you useless lump of mouse!

Tessa: Like, whatever, Friar Bump.

Friar Bump: In the kitchens, in five minutes!

(Exit Friar Bump)

Tessa: Like, coming.

(Exit Tessa)