Disclaimer: If I owned anything, this wouldn't be called FANfiction...
In which the Death Eaters discover why it's a bad idea to trust anonymous packages that come in the mail...
Seven o'clock.
Snape sighed. Time for yet another Death Eater meeting. Voldemort had been calling these blasted meetings almost daily lately, but none of them seemed to amount to much. Perhaps, as the rest of the wizarding world was starting to think (and as Snape had been thinking for the last 16 years) the Dark Lord was losing his touch.
Ah well, no time to ponder that now. Grabbing his wand, Snape Apparated to the Riddle mansion. Finding the door unlocked (really, it was surprising that no one had discovered Death Eater headquarters yet, considering the security Voldemort invested on the place), Snape swept into the house to find... no one.
Or no one in the parlor, anyway. Hearing the sound of conversation emanating from the kitchen, Snape correctly assumed that that was where all the Death Eaters were gathered. He entered to find the rest of the Death Eaters seated around the table, munching on a large plate of chocolate chip cookies in the center.
"What's going on?" Snape muttered to Dolohov, taking a seat.
Dolohov shrugged. "Dunno, but they're delicious. Try one."
Snape cautiously nibbled a cookie as he waited for the rest of the Death Eaters (Peter) to arrive.
It didn't take long. Peter spotted the plate of cookies and immediately made for it, snarfing down cookies in a manner highly reminiscent of a starved rat snarfing cheese. "Mmph, Voldie, these are good," he said, after practically inhaling half the plateful. "Where'd you get them?"
Voldemort twitched unpleasantly at being called 'Voldie' but didn't comment on it – which, for him, was probably a first. "I don't really know," he confessed.
"What?" Peter asked, stopping with a cookie midway from the plate to his mouth.
"They came in the mail anonymously."
"And you're giving them to us for snacks?" Draco asked incredulously, throwing his half-eaten cookie back onto the plate. "Couldn't that be dangerous?"
"Well," said Voldemort defensively, "if anyone wanted to harm us, they wouldn't be sending cookies, would they? I suspect they're from my fan club – probably anonymous because whoever sent them in was too shy to sign..."
Snape snorted at the unlikelihood of this, but didn't say anything.
"Anyway," Voldemort continued. "I did not call you here today to talk to you about cookies, or to watch you stuffing your fat faces." Peter looked up guiltily. "No, as a matter of fact, you are here because I have decided that we are going to infiltrate the Order chat room again."
"Again?" asked a dozen people at once.
"Don't you think you're getting a bit obsessed with this chat thing?" asked Rodolphus.
"Obsessed? I am NOT obsessed."
"Oh, like you're not obsessed with Potter?" someone muttered near the back of the room.
"That is totally different! That boy has been a thorn in my side since the day I met him! He's an insufferable good-for-nothing brat who dared to insult me! ME! The evil Lord Voldemort! And, to top it all, he JUST WON'T DIE! That boy is so..."
"Yes, I think it's definitely safe to say that Voldemort is a bit OCD," Snape muttered, as Voldemort continued to rant.
"Oh, like you can talk, Mr. I'll-kill-those-blasted-Marauders-or-die-trying!" Bella huffed, quick to take offense at any perceived insult to her Lord.
"They turned my hair pink in fourth year," Snape retorted defensively. "I couldn't get the dye out for weeks. I'm entitled!"
Voldemort had, by then, finished his Potter rant. "Where was I? Ah, yes. The chat room. This time, I have thought up a fail-safe plan. We will not depend on the Order to divulge its secrets on its own. We will have to pretend to be Order members ourselves, to convince them to reveal their secret plans! Unfortunately, it will look suspicious if too many of us go... Therefore, I shall bring Snape-"
"Ooh! Ooh! Pick me!" Draco exclaimed.
"-Bella-"
"-Pick me!"
"-Rodolphus-"
"Me!"
"-and Wormtail."
"Nuts."
"Now, Snape," said Voldemort, as he led his trustiest Death Eaters (and Peter) to the computer labs, "you will go in first - as yourself. Then, when you've convinced them that you're trustworthy, we'll come in, pretending to be other Order members, and help you interrogate them as to what they're planning."
Snape snorted. Convince them you're trustworthy. Right. Might as well stand on my head and sing the national anthem for all the good that would do. Still, you didn't argue with the Dark Lord. At least, you didn't if you were fond of your life. Snape wasn't, particularly, but he had no intention of losing it quite this soon. So he keyed in a screen name and fatalistically pressed the little gray button.
You have entered room TheOrderOfThePhoenixTotallyRocks.
Norbert'sMummy: ...an' then they made me their chief...
SuperAurorTonks: Hi.
Norbert'sMummy: Who're you?
FormerPotionsMaster: I would think that that would be obvious. Then again, seeing as how most of the Order are utter imbeciles when it comes to logic, perhaps not.
SuperAurorTonks: Slughorn?
FormerPotionsMaster: No, fool!
WerewolvesRule: Snape, stop insulting Tonks, and tell me what on earth you're doing here.
FormerPotionsMaster: Didn't Auriga tell you? I'm actually not evil. Well, maybe she was too busy polishing her collection of coffee mugs...
WerewolvesRule: And why, precisely, should I believe you?
FormerPotionsMaster: Because everything I did was on Dumbledore's orders.
Oh, brilliant, thought Snape disgustedly. They'll never possibly believe that.
SuperAurorTonks: Okay, we believe you. Welcome back, Snape!
"Excellent!" said Voldemort, clapping his hands together, as Snape stared at the screen in disbelief. "Everyone else, pick an Order member to impersonate and log in!"
MadOldAuror, MuggleLovingFool, CuteWiddleKitty, and Padfoot202 have entered the room.
SuperAurorTonks: Hey, I don't recognize your user names. Who are you?
MuggleLovingFool: I'm Arthur Weasley.
CuteWiddleKitty: I'm Minerva McGonagall.
SuperAurorTonks: Don't you usually go by the name "GoddessOfWisdom"?
"Right," Bella muttered. "I knew that."
CuteWiddleKitty has changed name to GoddessOfWisdom.
GoddessOfWisdom: That better?
SuperAurorTonks: Um, sure, I suppose. Who are the other ones?
MadOldAuror: Mad-Eye here. CONSTANT VIGILENCE, by the way.
Voldemort snickered at his cleverness. They would never guess that he was an imposter now!
Padfoot202: And I'm Sirius Black!
SuperAurorTonks: You're WHO?
Padfoot202: Sirius Black! You know, escaped convict, mildly insane, used to own a flying motorbike...?
"Uh, Wormtail?" Rodolphus asked cautiously, looking over Peter's shoulder. "Sirius Black is... dead... remember?"
Padfoot202: Dang it!
Padfoot202 has changed name to Dumbledore202.
Dumbledore202: Heh heh, just kidding. I'm actually Dumbledore. Sherbert lemon, anyone?
"Uh, Wormtail?" Rodolphus repeated. "Dumbledore is dead too."
Dumbledore202: Dang it!
Dumbledore202 has changed name to Moony202.
Moony202: Um, just kidding. Again. I'm actually Remus.
WerewolvesRule: Hey, who's imitating me?
Moony202: DANG IT!
Moony202 has left the chat.
WerewolvesRule: Well, that certainly was bizarre.
SuperAurorTonks: No kidding.
Snape felt Voldemort's eyes on the back of his head and swallowed.
FormerPotionsMaster: Yes, yes, it was. Now, tell me, what has been going on in my absence?
SuperAurorTonks: Well, it's been rather quiet around here, actually, although Remus and I are getting married soon...
FormerPotionsMaster: ...
SuperAurorTonks: Don't congratulate us, or anything. And, let's see, what else? The Weasley twins have been around quite a lot, testing out their products on unsuspecting subjects. They've actually invented this fiendishly ingenious new type of cookie with a sort of general calling charm which is irresistible to squirrels, but they haven't quite gotten it to work properly yet, so there's a bit of a delay between ingestion of the cookie and when symptoms show. The other day Fred and George tricked Ginny into eating one of them – poor girl...
FormerPotionsMaster: Really, I am not interested in what those pathetic excuses for human beings are doing. What, precisely, has been going on in the Order?
SuperAurorTonks: ...Fortunately, we got the squirrels off, eventually. And Kingsley says that that gave him the idea for a really ingenious plan to rid the world of Death Eaters once and for all – maybe he's already implemented it, I don't know...
FormerPotionsMaster: Yes?
SuperAurorTonks: ...He's had a lot of time on his hands. The Auror office really hasn't been that busy, since old Moldy-Warts-
"Excuse me?" Voldemort said indignantly.
-hasn't really been causing many problems ...and Harry, Hermione, and Ron seem to have something up their sleeves, but no one can figure out what it is...
FormerPotionsMaster: Wait. What's this plan of Kingsley's?
SuperAurorTonks: ...and Hagrid's been trying to get a wife for his brother, Grawp, but Grawp's developed a taste for Blast-Ended Skrewts instead, which is causing Hagrid no end of grief...
Norbert'sMummy: Arr... he's eatin' 'em by the dozen, poor things.
FormerPotionsMaster: Look, I don't care about Hagrid and his ridiculous problems. What is Kingsley's plan?
SuperAurorTonks: ...and, of course, then there's been a whole hubbub at the secretarial department of the Ministry. Do you know, the Weasley twins managed to blow up Dolores Umbrage's office a couple days ago? Despicable woman. I never liked her, ever since that time when she called me an empty-headed, chattering, ridiculous excuse for an Auror. I mean, honestly, who is SHE to talk?
FormerPotionsMaster: JUST TELL ME THE PLAN, ALREADY!
SuperAurorTonks: Well, really! No need to be rude.
SuperAurorTonks: I'm not quite sure about the details, but I think he was planning to...
FormerPotionsMaster: Yes?
TheBoyWhoLived, ChessMaster11, and RonsGirlFriend have entered the chat room.
SuperAurorTonks: Harry! Ron! Hermione! What a pleasant surprise!
Snape swore. "I was this close - THIS CLOSE – but nooooooo, Potter and his gang have to ruin it, like they always do!" Then he paused. "Wait, whose side am I on, anyway?"
RonsGirlfriend: RONALD!
TheBoyWhoLived: Ron, subtlety really isn't your strong suit.
ChessMaster11: Hey, at least you're not The Chosen One anymore! That counts for something, right?
RonsGirlfriend: Honestly, you didn't even use proper punctuation. "Ron's" should have an apostrophe.
ChessMaster11: Sor-ry if I don't meet your standards, O Queen of all things grammatical.
RonsGirlfriend: Never mind, never mind... just... get me a new user name now!
ChessMaster11: Or what?
RonsGirlfriend: Or I'll dump you!
ChessMaster11: Oh. Um. Yes. Right away, then.
RonsGirlFriend has changed name to GrammarQueen922.
GrammarQueen922: Thank you.
TheBoyWhoLived: I don't suppose I could get you to change my user name by threatening to dump you, too...?
GrammarQueen922: Sorry, Harry. Girlfriend's privilege.
TheBoyWhoLived: Sigh.
SuperAurorTonks: So, Harry, Ron, Hermione – what have you been up to these last couple of weeks?
ChessMaster11 looks around shiftily.
ChessMaster11: Well... um... We've been around, I guess you could say. We've been... um...
GrammarQueen922: Researching.
ChessMaster11: Researching?
GrammarQueen922 glares significantly in Ron's direction.
ChessMaster11: Um, I mean, yes, researching, right.
FormerPotionsMaster: Researching? Really, Weasley, I did not believe you capable of such a thing. If your current performance in my classes is any indication, I would say that you had never bothered to open a book in your life.
ChessMaster11: You're not a teacher any longer, so I'm not in your classes anymore!
FormerPotionsMaster: Damn.
FormerPotionsMaster: Wait...
FormerPotionsMaster: YES!
The Death Eaters exchanged glances as sounds of jubilant whooping came from Snape's corner of the room. As if by mutual consent, everyone studiously pretended to ignore him.
TheBoyWhoLived: Was that Snape? What is he doing here?
SuperAurorTonks: He claims that he's not really evil.
TheBoyWhoLived: Riiiiiight. And I'm a little dragon named Fluffy.
Norbert'sMummy: Yeh are?
TheBoyWhoLived: Er, no... it's just an expression, Hagrid.
WerewolvesRule: Harry, what are you doing here? This is the private chat room for the Order.
TheBoyWhoLived: Well, Ron had the idea to hack into the Order chat room, sort of like we did with the Death Eaters'. It took us a little longer, though, because your name wasn't as obvious as theirs.
"Hmph," Voldemort snapped. "I resent that. What is so obvious about the name 'Death Eaters Are Us', anyway?"
MadOldAuror: Well, Potter, it's been wonderful to see you and anything, but get out now and leave us alone!
WerewolvesRule: Don't you think that's a little harsh? I mean, they are of age, and they did figure out how to get in here...
TheBoyWhoLived: Yes, we did.
MadOldAuror: SHUT UP, YOU INSOLENT LITTLE BRAT!
MadOldAuror: Oops, did I say that out loud? I meant, be quiet, Potter.
GoddessOfWisdom: Yes, Potter, leave, and take your ridiculous little friends too!
ChessMaster11: Ridiculous, are we?
GrammarQueen922: Professor McGonagall, are you okay? You seem very out of character.
TheBoyWhoLived: Yes, and you too, Moody. You haven't yelled "CONSTANT VIGILENCE!" once since we got here.
"Damn it!" Voldemort yelled. "Trust him to notice insignificant little details!"
TheREALGoddessOfWisdom has entered the chat room.
TheREALGoddessOfWisdom: RIGHT! FESS UP! WHO STOLE MY SCREEN NAME? I couldn't log in as myself because apparently there was someone else already logged in as me!
GoddessOfWisdom: Dang it.
GoddessOfWisdom has left the chat.
SuperAurorTonks: Well, I never saw that coming!
TheREALGoddessOfWisdom: I think, my friends, that we have been infiltrated by Death Eaters! I've alerted Alastor Moody, who will be joining us shortly.
MadOldAuror: I am Alastor Moody!
TheREALGoddessOfWisdom: Don't think you're fooling me. You haven't shouted "CONSTANT VIGILANCE!" once since I entered the chat.
"That insolent woman!" Voldemort seethed.
Moderator MadEyeMoody has entered the chat.
Moderator MadEyeMoody: CONSTANT VIGILENCE!
TheREALGoddessOfWisdom: Much better.
Moderator MadEyeMoody: Now, who's been impersonating me? Come on! Speak up! I'm not blind, you know!
MadOldAuror: Hmph! Well then, if you really want to know, it was I, Lord Voldemort! Mwa ha ha ha ha!
MadOldAuror: Mwa ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
MadOldAuror: Mwa ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
Moderator MadEyeMoody has banned MadOldAuror from the chat.
"GAH!" shouted Voldemort.
Moderator MadEyeMoody: Now, who else in here is a Death Eater? Come on! Speak up! CONSTANT VIGILENCE!
Snape wisely kept silent. Unfortunately-
TheBoyWhoLived: Snape is.
"Bloody Potter."
FormerPotionsMaster: I am not! I am on the side of the Light! Sometimes, anyway.
Moderator MadEyeMoody: Hmph. I don't trust that one. Out you go.
FormerPotionsMaster: Wait a second, you have no right to
You have been banned from room TheOrderOfThePhoenixTotallyRocks.
"Hmph," Snape muttered disgustedly. "Well, that was a total waste of time."
"No kidding," said Rodolphus disgustedly, as he, too, was banned from the chat by the real Mad-Eye.
"And we don't even know what they're planning to do to us!" Peter said sadly.
"Well, we'll probably find out soon enough," said Snape darkly. He was not wrong.
The next morning, Snape was taking out the trash, when he spotted something slightly odd. A squirrel was sitting, motionless, on a branch above him, eyeing him beadily.
This struck a chord in Snape's memory. Something that Tonks woman had mentioned... squirrels... Weasley twins... time-delay cookies...
The squirrel was joined by two more squirrels, which also began to gaze fixedly at Snape. Snape was starting to feel slightly unnerved. He turned, intending to make a speedy retreat to the house, but found his way blocked by a dozen more squirrels. Suddenly, what he had formerly thought of as harmless furry creatures appeared rather menacing. Snape couldn't help noticing a bit of a demonic glint in their eyes, and how their teeth looked a lot more dangerous and pointy up close...
"Nice squirrels," Snape muttered. "Nice squirrels, nice squirrels. No, BAD squirrels, VERY BAD SQUIRRELS! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"
Wow, sorry it's so long. I had a tremendous amount of fun with this chapter. My apologies if Snape is a bit out of character. Blame it on the squirrels.
Remember, the little blue button is your friend :)
