Disclaimer: Do I look like I work for Disney? (looks at self) Nope. Do I look rich? (looks at self again) Nope. Then I don't own it.
A/N (4/9/05): Today is Prom! Yippee! And I have a date. (does happy-dance). Oh, and I've never seen the Matrix, so, well, Agent Smith... well. Forgive any slight wrongness of character.
A/N (4/29/05): Yeah, the whole importing our gangs thing, well, it's kinda sad, but that really happened. Someone wanted someone else beat up, so they called in a gang from another school. Oh, and it's Sparkle Friday (because I decided to go all-out sparkle today), and I got dress-coded! It took them long enough. I guess they weren't out to get me 'cause I'm usually a good kid. But today, according to Dean Melia, I was a "walking rule violation." Not only did my sparkly shirt show my midriff, I was (gasp) listening to my CD player while walking down the hallway, so both the shirt and CD player were confiscated and I had to put on another shirt. Which means I can't listen to music in Art class on Monday and maybe get a detention out of it…. Now, as for Jacky and Jaimy, the cats, they really do exist, but last time I went to the hunting camp only Jaimy came when I called, so I think Jacky's dead, and I think Jaimy died while I was there because she didn't come the last day. Sniff.
Fireblade K'Chona: That last line was actually a last-minute add-in inspired by the Stargate episode I watched last night. It was the one about the girl who wanted Jack's babies, Jack being, in this case, Colonel Jack O'Neill, who outranks Captain Jack Sparrow.
LadyAkhana: I'm not sure I get half the jokes anymore, so it's all good. There're probably lots of references to random books that I read and, now, random TV shows that I've watched, most of them from the Sci Fi channel. But I'm glad you like the jokes that you do get!
Agent Smith shook his head as he reviewed the packet of information they'd given him. Pirates, of all things. Well, at least it promised to be interesting. So far, these pirates had kidnapped several children (or were the children the pirates?), attacked a school (defended it from attack?), led the cops on a high-speed chase down the interstate, stolen a sailboat, stolen a police boat, escaped from execution, stolen a horse, sent a letter to the governor saying that now he had to hang them, got caught again (let themselves get caught?), escaped from hanging, stolen a toilet seat, and gone on national television inviting everyone to a wedding. They had a sense of humor; ergo the case had gone to him. The government couldn't understand humor.
"I've got news," Lyn announced. She was back from this spying trip she'd gone on to scout out how the general population was taking the fact of their existence. "There's a detective after us. Name of Agent Smith."
"An' we don't even have Uncle Jack to help us out," Toby said, making it sound like a curse, while his brother Sam swore under his breath. Uncle Jack had disappeared perhaps two weeks ago, leaving not a single trace.
"Does he look like Elrond?" Katie asked.
"I don't know," Lyn replied. "Why would he look like Elrond?"
Katie shook her head. "Nevermind."
"No, really, why?" Lyn persisted. She'd never learned when to keep her mouth shut. Her parents had always sent her to good schools where no one ever got beat up—in fact, at her high school they had to import gangs from other schools. So they never beat her up when she wouldn't keep her mouth shut, and she never learned not to ask questions.
Katie sighed. "Because Hugo Weaving played Agent Smith in the Matrix," she explained.
"Oh. Who's Hugo Weaving?"
Katie gave her a look like she'd just gone off the deep end—no, more like Katie was going to push her off the deep end, good twin or no, if she didn't stop with these incessant questions. "Elrond," she said shortly.
"Huh?" Lyn, obviously, hadn't taken the hint.
"Hugo Weaving is Elrond. Or, rather, he plays him in The Lord of the Rings."
"Oh." Lyn got that lightbulb look that's ever so amusing when someone gets it five minutes after the joke. That's really the best laugh of all, watching the slow ones figure it out. "I get it now. So Agent Smith would look like Elrond because they're played by the same dude." She tapped her head with one finger. "Smart."
Katie shook her head.
"Let's go find Tom," Lyn suggested. "'E's seen the Matrix," she added by way of explanation. "All three of 'em, I think."
When they knocked on the door to Lyn's old house on Thirteenth Avenue, Tom appeared, carrying two calico cats.
"They're adorable!" Jack cooed. He gave up his traditional swaying walk (that he'd totally copied from his father) in order to rush to take one from Tom. "What's 'is name, son?" he asked, his voice a bit muffled as he rubbed his face against the cat's soft fur.
"Her name is Jacky," Tom replied.
"Because she's a calico," Lyn explained. "For Calico Jack, savvy? In fact, I think Calico Jack's the pirate a'ter which yer da was based, in th' movie, don't ye know. T'other one's Jaimy, because of a book I read, Bloody Jack—good book—abou' this girl 'oo dresses up as a boy an' calls 'erself 'Jacky,' an' she falls in love with this boy called Jaimy, 'cause 'is name is James. Only Jaimy the cat's a girl, too, so really they're both girls with guys' names that sound like girls' names."
Jack nodded, then shook his head. "Love, I think ye've managed to give me a hangover."
"O' course, 'cause yer drunk with lovin' me, ain'tcha."
Tom rolled his eyes.
"An' yer in love with Kay," Lyn went on blithely. "Ye really should ask the girl out, ye know. Lover-boy."
Tom tried to aim a punch at her and managed to drop Jaimy. Lyn scooped up the cat and held her protectively. "Anyhoo, we got 'em at this huntin' camp in Sou' Carolina, durin' Spring Break a year ago. Firs' we went to Nor' Carolina, where it snowed an' I wrote this cool song abou' Death an' 'is Shadow, an' then we went to the camp to stay overnight. There were lots o' cats there, half a dozen of 'em, an' I made friends wi' these two, so th' guy there tol' me t' take 'em home wi' me. Me mum an' da wou'n't alow it, but th' kitties snuck inta th' RV an' we were miles away afore they knew they were in there. They hid in th' closet, see, under all th' clothes."
"'Ow d'you tell 'em apart?" Jack asked.
"Jaimy 'as the pointy thing on 'er forehead," Lyn replied.
"Meow," whined the orange and white cat. Tom scooped her up. "And this is Mystery. She's named after Data's cat. She's from the hunting camp, as well, though from a different visit."
"She's the only cat who likes Tom," Lyn whispered to Jack. "The others can't stand 'im. 'Specially Maximus, poor thing—an' here 'e is now."
A small furry grey rocket launched itself into Lyn's already full arms and clung there, shivering with fright. Lyn stroked the poor cat until he'd calmed down. Another furball, this one white, followed, barking. "Scat, you nasty dog," Lyn scolded. "Scaring my poor half-cat like that. You should know better!"
Peeves, who had, of course, followed them, frowned at Tom. "He looks like he should still be in school."
"'E is," Lyn said with a shrug. "It don' really matter. It's Christmas break, right Tom?"
Tom nodded. "So, what's new?" he asked.
"Well," Lyn began, "ye already know Jack an' I got married. I think Katie's pregnant, but she might jes' be getting' fat."
Katie punched Lyn in the side.
Lyn recovered and continued. "Uncle Jack disappeared on the 13th—odd, it wasn't a Friday. We're not too worried, 'cept someone sicced a detective on us. Er, Toby an' Sam 'ave girlfriends. Jenny an' Becky, right?"
Toby nodded. He'd come along in order to plot some pranks with Peeves. "Jenny's gonna be takin' me to meet 'er parents soon."
"Are you planning to propose?" Katie asked. She was leaning on Trey to take some of the weight off her back.
"Maybe," Toby said. "She is a real nice girl."
"A wedding!" Jack and Lyn exclaimed simultaneously. "I love weddings. Drinks all around!" They were unable to do the hand movements due to the fact that they were both carrying cats.
Tom laughed.
Their sister Camembert came out of the house to see what was going on. Her boyfriend, who was visiting for the week, followed.
"I got married," Lyn announced happily.
"Lyn," Cam sighed disapprovingly.
"Hey, Lyn," Cam's boyfriend said.
"Salvete," Lyn replied. "Ooh!" she said excitedly. "Extra credit in Latin!" Her face fell. "But I'm not in Latin anymore." She sighed. "Ah well. Extra credit for Tom. Right, Kid?"
"Don't call me Kid," Tom said.
"Whatever you say, Kid," Lyn agreed.
They went back to the ships. From there, they plotted several pranks to play on poor Agent Smith. Peeves, of course, was the one to carry them out.
An explosion that sounded so close it must have been nearly on top of his house startled Agent Smith out of his now-familiar reverie about the pirates. He ran in the direction of the sound, curious to see what it was and convinced that the pirates had something to do with it.
His bathroom was in ruins. It looked like someone had put a bomb in the toilet. Well, that someone might still be around.
Like in the next room. Only, "that someone" was floating in midair, wearing the most outrageous orange doublet. "That someone" stuck out his tongue and blew a loud wet raspberry at Agent Smith, then began chucking sticks at the poor detective. Where he got the sticks Smith had no idea. They seemed just to appear out of midair. "Stop that this instant, before I call the police." Actually, he had half a mind to call the police anyway, not that he was certain it would do much good against whatever that thing was.
"Oh, I'm so scared," "that thing" said mockingly. "Don't call the police! Oh no! The Muggles are going to hurt me! I'm so scared!"
"Who are you?" Agent Smith demanded, dodging yet more sticks. Where was he getting them? And what on earth were Muggles?
The little man stopped throwing sticks long enough to execute a comical bow. "Peeves the Poltergeist, at your service. Formerly of Hogwarts, have since been evicted and am now residing on various pirate ships. Oh, by the way, the pirates send their love." With that, he disappeared, but not before somehow lobbing a mudball the size of a couch at the detective.
The pirates, inordinately pleased at their little prank, decided to write Agent Smith a letter. "Pirates, ye be warned," Lyn wrote.
Tom grabbed the pencil out of her hand and wrote, "That was the last adventure."
"Yeah, we're the pirates now," Katie added.
"Aye, not yeah," Lyn corrected.
"If you keep arguing like this, we'll all be caught," Katie wrote.
Lyn looked superior and insufferably right. "See? We're still a danger to pirates."
"Extremely dangerous, love," Jack agreed.
"Isn't he sweet?"
"Aren't we supposed to be writing a letter, not random nonsense?" Katie wrote.
"Killjoy," Lyn accused.
"Since none of you are staying on topic, I'll have to take charge," Katie announced—still writing things down instead of speaking aloud, just like the rest of them.
"Hitler," Lyn wrote.
"Thank you, Lyn. Now kindly shut your mouth."
"It is shut."
"Why me?"
"It was your idea to kidnap me."
"Thank you for that reminder. Now, Mr. Agent Smith Elrond Dude, if you want to tell us anything, just write us a letter and leave it with Peeves. He'll be around."
Then they all signed the letter. "Signin' me own death warrant, I am," Lyn said with a grin.
In all the fuss about dear Agent Smith, Christmas had snuck up on them almost without warning. It was now two days before Christmas, and they received a reply from their darling detective. It went along the lines of be-good-and-play-nice-and-I-might-let-you-off-easy. The pirates had a good laugh, and decided to add to the list of their crimes.
"Let's play Santa," Lyn suggested. "We'll steal toys an' give 'em to poor kids."
"You're too kindhearted," Katie accused.
Lyn shrugged. "So? I'm supposed to be the good twin."
"Point," Katie conceded.
Lyn sauntered into Walgreens, twirling two pistols. It took a lot of concentration, but she thought it looked cool. As she sauntered, she sang. "I turned twenty-one in prison doin' life without parole. No one could turn me right, but Momma tried. Momma tried. Momma tried to raise me better but her pleading I denied; so there's only me to blame, 'cause Momma tried."
Naturally enough, the cashiers and customers who saw her all hastened to dial 9-1-1.
Jack entered after her, brandishing pistol and sword. "Everybody stay calm. We are taking over the store."
Lyn's friend Chris Bacchus—not to be confused with Chris Gurhurt—looked at her like What the Hell is going on here. "Lyn? What on earth?"
"I am now officially one of the crazy people who come into your Walgreens," Lyn told him. "Tell the class all about it when you get back to school."
Some of the other cashiers reacted like Chris. Most either swooned or fainted. Lyn and Jack got to work loading everything that looked like it could be a good Santa gift for poor kids—mostly food—into bags. They loaded the bags in Nick's car and Nick drove them to Wal-Mart, where the others were holding up the store. There, they were just wrapping up. Katie, Trey, Lyn and Jack stayed in the store while the others loaded Nick's car, keeping everyone at bay with pistols (and, in Katie's case, a glare).
Some of the girls in the store tried to get near Jack, disregarding the pistols. One shot from Lyn disabused them of that notion. Others tried to make advances on Trey. Katie stopped most of them with a deepening of her glare. For the rest, a hiss was sufficient. Sometime in all the chaos she'd grown fangs. As in vampire fangs. Somehow Katie managed to pull of "evil vampire" rather well, even though she was very pregnant.
They got out of the store, piled into Nick's car (they had to sit on top of each other in order for all of them to fit), and drove away.
Lyn noticed that Toby was fiddling with a diamond ring. "Toby!" she scolded. "Ye weren't supposed to steal a ring!"
"It's for Jenny," Toby said. "But I was wunnerin' if'n I shoulda bought 'er one."
Lyn shrugged. "It's stolen money anyway," she said philosophically. "Although I'm sure Jenny would rather if ye'd bought it."
Toby nodded. "Ahoy, Nick. We need to go back to the store."
When they got back to Wal-Mart, the cops were already there. Jack grabbed the first non-pirate girl he saw (who happened to be Jenny) and put his pistol to her head.
Toby shook his head and mouthed an exaggerated "no."
Jack was too busy talking to Jenny to notice. "You seem somewhat familiar. Have I threatened you before?"
"Not that I recall," Jenny replied; "and that's the sort of thing I'd remember. Say, are you a pirate?"
"Of course!"
"Are you with Toby?" Dumb question. Toby was making a grand melodrama of buying the ring while the police looked on, helpless to do anything while Jack had Jenny.
"Aye. You know Toby?"
"Of course I know Toby! He's my boyfriend."
"Oh. So that would make you Jenny?"
"Yes."
"Well. In that case, love, you're the reason we're here. Toby stole a ring for you, but 'e changed 'is mind an' decided to buy it instead."
"You let my friend go!" Becky yelled at Jack, looking ready to do something foolish, but Sam snagged her from behind and began kissing her. "Don't worry," he said between kisses. "'E won' 'urt 'er. 'E's a friend."
Once Toby had finished buying the ring, they left the store. Jack continued to threaten Jenny with his gun, and Sam swept Becky off her feet and carried her to the car. As soon as the doors closed, Nick took off.
Naturally enough, the police gave chase. Nick managed to shake them before they got to the beach. Stupid police. They should've figured out by now that the beach was where the pirates went whenever they fled. Reason number umpteen why there are no airborne rangers in the police.
Christmas Eve. Nick drove them to several poor neighborhoods and they dropped the presents down the chimneys. After a while Katie volunteered to be Santa. She was certainly round enough. So they broke into a store and stole a Santa costume for her to wear.
Katie had reason to be thankful for her costume by the end of the night. The temperature dropped well below freezing. Very odd in Florida, but not unheard of. Then it decided to rain. Or, more accurately, snow. In Florida.
Lyn was enchanted. She loved snow.
Chrismas. Agent Smith woke, got out of bed, and looked out the window. There was snow on the ground. He felt cheated; he'd come to Florida to get away from the snow. It was probably the fault of that damn Poltergeist with his damn magic. Not even science, like the Matrix. Magic.
When he went outside, he heard a cheerful "Merry Christmas!" Then he was attacked by a par of teenagers wielding snowballs. Lovely. "I hate snow," he moaned.
"Ahoy there, mate!" said the one with dirty blonde hair. "I would advise you to stay still."
"Why?" Agent Smith demanded.
"So I can hit you with a snowball!" replied the brown-haired one. With that, he threw a giant snowball directly at Agent Smith and managed to peg him in the face.
"Who are you?"
"The name's Lightning, an' this is me good friend Stormwind," said the one with brown hair.
"Ye make me sound like Grampa, love," the other boy complained.
"Love, is it?" asked Lightning with a grin and raised eyebrows. "Didn't know ye was shaych. An' here I thought ye were sweet on that Jenny girl."
"You little—" Stormwind began, but Lightning interrupted him.
"Now, now, Stormwind, don't be hasty."
Stormwind? Wasn't that the name of one of the pirates who had signed that letter? He didn't recognize the name Lightning, but then, there had been more than four pirates.
Before they could react, he pulled out his gun.
"Oh, shit," Toby said.
Lightning doffed his wool cap and bowed with a flourish. "Excellent detective work, mate. A bit slow, but then, yer on'y human, after all. Lightning Lyn Astra, at yer service."
Agent Smith gaped.
"I'm a girl, son."
"Oh." He regained his composure quickly. "Where are the children you kidnapped?"
"Toby—Stormwind—never kidnapped anyone," Lightning said. "In fact, the on'y kidnappin' in which 'e 'ad any part, 'e protested mos' violently. Tha' was when we kidnapped 'is girlfriend. As fer meself, I returned the two boys I 'elped kidnap. Or, a' least, I gave 'em a motor boat so's they could get 'ome. Now, if ye'll excuse us…"
"Stay where you are," Agent Smith commanded. The trigger felt quite friendly to his finger, and he would like nothing more than to pull it and be done with these menaces, but the government had said no killing unless absolutely necessary.
A shot rang out from his right side. He dodged the bullet. Yet another pirate appeared, this one definitely female and very pregnant, holding a smoking gun. "Damn elf. You forgot your pointy ears."
A very pretty man with long blonde hair appeared briefly, followed by a young-looking man with silver hair in a very dramatic pirate costume. Theatrically ripped silk, a patch over one eye, beads and feathers braided into his hair, cutlass dangling from one hip, and a very mean-looking knife in one hand. A singing man walked toward him, then ran away screaming.
He moved his aim to the pregnant girl and pulled the trigger. After all, she'd shot at him first. Only something knocked her aside before the bullet connected with her flesh. And now he couldn't breathe….
"Who the Hell are you?" Lyn demanded of the newcomer. She looked like Lyn's mom, except in better shape, like she'd been working out all her life.
Instead of introducing herself, the newcomer said, "Did you know you had a damn Stargate on your damn ship?"
"Don't you dare insult me father's ship," Jack said, emerging from hiding.
"Oh, great," the stranger said. "You guys have a mini-Jack too. Wonderful. Just wonderful."
"Who are you, and how did you get here?" Katie demanded.
The stranger was apparently rather observant. "Vampire fangs? Real or fake? No, don't answer that. Let me guess, you'd be Friday, and you want to take over the world."
"How do you know that?" Katie demanded. "And what's your name, before I shoot you?"
The stranger laughed. "Well, shooting me won't do you much good, seeing as I'm a goddess. No, really. I'm System Lord Kali, Goddess of Death."
Lyn rolled her eyes. "I watch Stargate, and you look more like me mum than like System Lord Kali."
The stranger rolled her eyes right back. "What a coincidence. I replaced the old System Lord Kali."
"You don't have a deep voice."
"I'm a Tok'ra."
"We are Tok'ra," she corrected herself, in a deeper voice. "I am Shakti, the symbiote."
In a normal voice, she said, "You want to hear my story? I'll tell you my story. It's classified, but at the moment, I don't give a damn. I'm System Lord Kali, Goddess of Death. I used to be Colonel Kali Rainwater, United States Army. Then I retired and got married to Colonel Jack O'Neill. Real cute guy, outranks your Jack, and is legal besides. Air Force. We travel to other planets through an alien device called the Stargate. When Shakti's last host died, we realized that she was Tok'ra and I volunteered to be host. That's how I got into this whole Goddess business in the first place.
"Occasionally I get bored of all the fawning and decide to take a vacation. That never goes well. Also occasionally, I have a bad day and end up in an alternate reality, and things go from bad to worse. So this time, both happened. I went back in time so I could have a nice vacation, and things started going wrong and I ended up in some damn vortex in the Bermuda Triangle, on, of all things, a ship. I'm Army, not Navy. I don't do ships. Well, spaceships I do. My flagship is named the Millenium Falcon.
"So, I end up on this ship. The Black Pearl, of all things. Cute, I think. Only I'm accosted by Anamaria, demanding to know who the Hell I am. Just like when I ended up with dear old Luke—that would be Skywalker, by the way. So I turn the tables and ask her a few questions, and finally manage to figure out that mini-me is out here facing some elf-dude from the Matrix, and might need my help. So I get my butt over here only to find out that my evil twin's clone is being shot at. Jedi powers come in useful at times like those. Went Dark Side for a bit, though." She frowned. "Luke wouldn't be too happy with me. Ah well. Elrond needed to be strangled anyway."
Jack didn't even try to follow what she was saying. Lyn only barely understood, and only because this System Lord Kali persona seemed to think like her.
When they got back to the Pearl, the Stargate had fallen into the water and sunk, which elicited many interesting phrases from Kali, including what Lyn recognized as Khéósin, although she couldn't understand all of the phrases. Looks like we've got ourselves another resident.
A/N (4/29/05): So, anyone else the slightest bit peeved about ff.mort's policy on song lyrics? It's not like you can't find the lyrics on the internet, so we're not reducing anyone's paycheck, and it's not like we're claiming we made them up. I just like to put song lyrics in my stories. I guess from now on I'm going to have to use my wonderful parodies from now on. Zandramas on ff.mort!
