Disclaimer: JK Rowling is the master. I just steal her characters and make them do OOC things.
In which the Death Eaters start an online bookstore
"I have," said Voldemort impressively, "come up with a plan."
This statement didn't elicit quite the response he was expecting. Most of the Death Eaters were currently absorbed in a game of Dark Poker and didn't even look up at his announcement. Bella did, it was true, but only to give him a sulky sort of look before turning back to her cards again. She was clearly still fuming from their discussion the previous day, when Voldemort had turned down her plan to save the Death Eaters from financial ruin. W
Well, this will never do, thought Voldemort, striding over to the table and calmly ending the game by sweeping away everyone's poker chips with a flourish.
"Now," he said calmly. "If I may have everyone's undivided attention?" He did. "I have recently heard concern expressed over lack of... shall we say... funds... for this venture. Those new Death Eater Masks and monogrammed robes weren't cheap, you know. Luckily, I have thought up a way to pay all of our expenses, now, and for the foreseeable future. I propose that we start an online store on E-bay and sell Dark textbooks. Elementary Evil and Conquering for Dummies: How to Rule the World in 5 Easy Steps by V.D. Mort should become best-sellers in no time. Not only will we make a profit, but we can convert innocent readers to our evil mindset!"
"Excuse me!" Throughout most of Voldemort's speech, Bellatrix had looked as though she was bursting to protest. Now she jumped upright and glared at Voldemort accusingly. "That was my idea."
"One of the perks to being the evilest Dark Lord ever to walk this Earth," Voldemort said smugly, "is that I am perfectly justified in stealing the ideas of my followers. There is no such word as 'plagiarism' in my dictionary. For more information, read my published works." He strode impressively 'round the table. "So, Death Eaters, are you agreed that this is the way to power?"
Snape sighed and put his face in his hands. "Dear God, not this again," he muttered to Dolohov, who was taking large sips of vodka and surreptitiously memorizing the card deck while no one was watching. "Next thing you know, we'll be trying to hack into the Hogwarts Staff Chat or who knows what lunacy..."
"The what?" Dolohov asked slightly more loudly than Snape would have liked.
"Keep your voice down," Snape hissed. "The Staff chat room at Hogwarts-"
"The Hogwarts Staff have their own chat room?" Dolohov blared tipsily, this time loud enough to interrupt Voldemort in the middle of his tirade.
"Crucio," Voldemort said calmly, and the hall erupted in Dolohov's screams. "Now, what's this about a private chat room at Hogwarts?" he asked Snape, after the noise had died down again. "Why have I not heard of this?" The Death Eaters watched the pair with interest. Even Draco looked up, before realizing with consternation that one of his Sims had wet himself.
Snape bit back a groan and plastered a look of chagrin on his face. "It's... nothing, Master. The staff rarely uses it, and... well." He sneered. "They say nothing of interest, nothing relevant to our cause."
"If they say nothing of interest, then why did you bother to mention it?" Dolohov demanded.
"Crucio!" Voldemort shouted at the hapless Death Eater. He turned back to Snape. "If they say nothing of interest, Severus, then why did you even bother to mention it?"
Snape cursed a certain drunk Death Eater under his breath as he tried to formulate a suitably obsequious response. "I never dreamed that Dolohov would shout so loudly and interrupt my Master's enthralling oratory. I merely thought-"
"You thought? Ha! That's a good one!" Dolohov chortled, swaying slightly.
"Crucio!"
"-that Dolohov might find such a tidbit amusing," Snape concluded, shooting Dolohov a Look.
"Well, I don't," snapped Voldemort, considerable vexation lacing his voice now. "If such a chat contains no information, than it is worthless to me. Now, if there are no more interruptions?"
Dolohov hiccupped.
"Crucio!"
"Isn't that a bit unfair?" Rodolphus protested.
"Crucio!" cried Voldemort, pointing his wand at Rodolphus.
"Do not question our Master!" Bella said reprovingly to her husband.
"So much for marital affection," muttered Rodolphus, standing up and brushing himself off with a slightly hurt look.
"If I may speak?" Voldemort demanded, his tone ascending past the territory of Very Peeved and into the region of Will Start Avada Kedavra-ing The First Person In Sight.
Dolohov almost hiccupped again. Hastily, Snape clapped a hand over the errant Death Eater's mouth and silencio-ed him.
Voldemort smiled. "To get back on topic," he said lazily. "Bella, since you happen to be the Death Eater with the most computer expertise, barring Draco, who would probably try to buy Sims expansion packs off of E-Bay rather than sell anything-" (no one argued with this) "-I propose that you set up the account. List as many books online as you can." Bella set to work with enthusiasm, seeming to have forgotten their earlier spat.
"Peter, you can put the books in boxes." Wormtail squeaked, bowed, and went to look for some. "Rodolphus, for your earlier offense, I will delegate you to wrapping the books in bubble-wrap. Without magic." Rodolphus gulped and hurried after Wormtail.
"And I, My Lord?" Snape asked deferentially.
"You can make me a Headache Potion for when this business eventually gives me one," Voldemort snapped. "And as for Dolohov-"
Dolohov squirmed.
"Crucio!"
"He didn't say anything, Master," Snape pointed out reasonably.
"I know that!" spat Voldemort. "But he would have if you hadn't silencio-ed him, and that's the main thing."
Snape resolved for the four hundred and fiftieth time never to get on Voldemort's bad side as Voldemort turned back to Dolohov with a mad and slightly homicidal glint in his crimson eyes. "You can handle the tape."
OoOoOoO
A productive three hours later, Snape made his way up the basement steps to the main room of the house. He stopped dead on the threshold, staring in horror at the chaos within.
It was, well, chaotic (as chaos tends to be). Bubblewrap littered the floor; some was plastered to the ceiling. Cardboard dust floated everywhere. Dolohov looked as though he had wrapped himself in tape rather than the book he was trying to package.
Bella yelled from the front of the room, "They're selling like mad, Master! We need 84 copies, now!"
"Yes, yes," said Voldemort, rubbing his head. His face brightened upon spotting Snape. "Ah, the headache cure. Excellent." He took a sip of the drink before noticing Dolohov, struggling feebly and pathetically against the tape which had ensnared him. "No, no, no, you imbecile! Let me show you how to do it!"
Voldemort grabbed a roll of Duct tape and promptly got his hand stuck in it. "Curse it!" he shrieked, pulling out his wand and jabbing it angrily in the general vicinity of the tape. "Reducto! REDUCTO!"
His spells went wide, missing the tape by about three feet. Snape ducked. Bella dodged. The spells ricocheted off the charm-resistant walls. And the table, the computer, and various pieces of paper went up in a cloud of dust.
There was silence for a moment. Panting, Voldemort finally managed to extricate himself from the tape. "What did we lose?"
"The computer," said Snape, quite unnecessarily.
"Well, go get another one!" Voldemort cried.
"We also lost the transaction records," Bella said apologetically. "And the password to get into the site."
"You're sure?" Voldemort demanded.
"'Fraid so," said Rodolphus.
Voldemort looked disgruntled for a moment. Suddenly, however, his face brightened. "True, this has been a disaster," Voldemort began. "But we must not despair! As a matter of fact, I have just thought of a new plan to save us from financial ruin!"
Uh-oh, thought Snape. Here we go again.
"We shall sell Girl Scout cookies!"
It was about that time that Snape lost faith in the human race.
OoOoOoO
Hmm... upon editing this chapter, it dawned on me that I have no idea if such a thing as Girl Scout cookies (or an alternative) exist in Britain. Anyone know?
Reviews are lovely. Constructive criticism is appreciated. Favorite quotes are good. Nitpicky comments are still good. Flames are not so good, but I'll read them. Did I miss anything...?
