Into the Vortex: Insanity Abounds
Disclaimer: I own all the insanity in this chapter. Other than that, I don't own anything, except my cat—no, wait, my cat owns me. But I now own a blue fuzzy pen and shiny multi-colored pencils! Woot! Anyhoo...
Author's Note (2/27/04): Here I am, taking a leaf out o' Salienne's book, writin' author's notes an' puttin' th' dates when I'm writin' them. Well, today's Friday, two weeks after th' firs' story takes place. By that I mean Pirates, Ye Be Warned, which I still need t' type an' post. I 'eard that th' next PotC movie's comin' out in 2005. I think it'd be funny if it comes out on May 13, which is th' day this story starts. An' now yer all prolly real confused, an' yer thinkin' I should'a' put this stuff in me firs' author's note. But look at th' date. I'm writin' this before I'm typin' th' beginnin' o' th' story. Anyhoo, I jes' wan'ed t' say that the scary thing is, I came (am comin') up wi' this chapter all by me onesy (or foursy, as th' case may be; fivesy now, I guess, since another personality has been spawned since I took that test that tol' me I had four personalities).
A/N (4/30/05): Okay, so I take that back. I came up with the second part of the chapter all by me onesy/fivesy, but the first part, which I decided to add after I'd already typed the second part, was a joint effort between me an' the Kid, that would be me brother jes' in case y'all didn't know. For once in our lives, we were getting along, and, well, the result is kinda scary.
As mentioned in the previous chapter, Captain Jack Sparrow, Sr., had recently disappeared—where to, only the Shadow knew. Jack himself had no idea, since he'd never seen anything like it before. But then again, he didn't watch Star Trek.
Jack examined his surroundings. He was in a corridor, too large to belong to a person of limited wealth, but too plain to belong to the wealthy, and altogether too sterile.
A bald man stepped into the corridor from one of the numerous doors that didn't behave at all like any doors Jack had ever seen. Rather than opening and closing like normal doors, they slid into the walls. Jack shrugged it off philosophically. This was no worse than skeletal pirates or Ultrasonic Flying Oranges.
Then the bald man spotted Jack and did a double-take. Jack got that a lot. "Who are you, and what the Hell are you doing on my ship?" the bald man demanded.
"This is a ship?" Jack asked skeptically. "Awful strange-lookin' ship you got here, mate. Is it a, whaddayacallit, Carnival Cruise ship?" That ship had been awfully big, and could easily have held this corridor.
"It's a starship," the bald man said, as if it were the most obvious thing in the world. "And you haven't answered my questions."
"The name's Smith, or Smithy, if you like. As for the rest, I haven't the least ideer 'ow I got here, son." Jack grinned impudently at the bald man.
"I am Captain Picard," the bald man introduced himself, "and as of right now, you are a guest aboard my ship, and I expect you to behave yourself accordingly."
As soon as he had gotten the new arrival to the guest quarters, Picard went to talk this over with Data. "There's a new… guest… aboard the ship. I was wondering if you knew anything about him."
"He appears to be a sailor from 18th Century England. In fact, he very closely resembles the character Jack Sparrow in the 21st Century movie "Pirates of the Caribbean," played by the actor Johnny Depp.
"He claimed his name was Smith."
"Ah. In the movie, Jack Sparrow did that very thing when asked his name by two sailors in the British Navy. Since Jack Sparrow does not exist, we must assume that he is the actor Johnny Depp, somehow transported forward in time."
On that note, they went to find their new guest. They found him where Picard had left him, sleeping on the floor of the guest quarters.
"Mr. Depp," Picard said.
Jack raised his head blearily. "Captain. It's Captain Jack S—Smith." Obviously he wasn't quite on top of things.
"Mr. Depp," Picard repeated.
"The name's Smith, not Depp," Jack insisted. "Bloody Hell, you've got to be the tenth person who's called me that since I started this adventure."
"In that case, you are a nonexistent 18th Century pirate by the name of Jack Sparrow," Data announced.
"Captain Jack Sparrow," Jack corrected. For goodness' sake, why couldn't anyone get his title right?
Picard raised an eyebrow. "So your name is not Smith."
Jack shrugged elaborately. "Apparently I am a nonexistent pirate from the 18th Century by the name of Captain Jack Sparrow. What day is it, by the way?"
"Saturday, February 14th," Data replied. He didn't provide a year, not that Jack cared. He was tired of trying to keep track of what year it was. He'd never done that great a job back in his own time, so why start now?
But… Saturday the 14th. "Huh. Looks like that bloody girl was right."
Commander Riker entered at that point. "What girl?"
"About what?" Picard asked.
"Lyndsay Astra," Jack replied. "Lyndsay Sparrow, now. She married my son. Calls 'erself Lightning. Craziest girl I ever met—an' that's including Samantha Williams."
"Right about what?" Picard repeated.
"About Friday the 13th an' all the crazy stuff that happens then."
Data gave him a superior look. "Friday the 13th is no more nor less strange than any other day."
"Oh really?" Jack raised an eyebrow. "On Friday, the 13th of May, 1988, the craziest girl ever to curse the face of the earth was born." He only knew that much because Lyn had drilled it into his head. Same for the rest of it. "On Friday, the 13th of February, 2004, the Black Pearl showed up on the eastern coast of Florida and kidnapped two children, name of Lyndsay and Tomas Astra. On Friday, the 13th of August of the same year, the Black Pearl showed up again on the same beach, an' kidnapped a young girl named Kathleen Adams, now known as Killjoy Kate. On Friday, the 13th of May, 2005—"
"Thank you, Mr. Sparrow," Picard interrupted. "That is enough."
"—the Black Pearl showed up yet again, after traveling through the bloody vortex in the Bermuda Triangle, and kidnapped Lyndsay Astra a second time."
"Data?" Picard asked.
Data checked his memory banks. "It is true that a girl named Kathleen Adams disappeared from her home on the east coast of Florida on the 13th of August in 2004, and that Lyndsay Astra disappeared on the 13th of May in 2005. However, both were reportedly seen I late May during an attack on a local high school. Around that time there was also a report of a sighting of the Black Pearl by tourists aboard the Carnival Glory. However the report was discounted because the Black Pearl, of course, did not exist."
"Well, I wish I could be in me nonexistent ship right now," Jack said, a bit wistfully. "A nonexistent pirate in a nonexistent ship."
"You're a pirate?" Riker asked. He'd come in after that part of the conversation.
"No," Jack said scornfully. "I'm the daughter of a pirate, not a pirate myself."
"What!"
"He said that he was the daughter of a pirate," Data said. "I assume he was being facetious, because it would be biologically impossible—"
"Data?" Picard interrupted.
"Yes, sir?"
"Shut up."
"Yes, sir."
The three people from the Enterprise left, and Jack watched closely to learn how they opened the door.
"You appear to be preoccupied with something, Captain," Data observed.
"I've been thinking about our guest," Picard replied. "He shouldn't have been able to get aboard the ship—he shouldn't even exist!"
"Perhaps there is a problem with the hologram generator," Data suggested. "I will look into it."
Jack palmed open the door and looked down both sides of the hall to make sure the coast was clear. Reasonably certain that he wouldn't be stopped, he stepped out on a mission to explore this "spaceship" and, perhaps, commandeer it.
A pointy-eared fellow who looked like he'd never laughed in his life stepped out of one of the alcoves to block Jack's way. "You will please stay in your room."
"An' why must I stay in my room?" Jack demanded.
"Because you are a potential threat to the crew."
"But I'm a nonexistent pirate from the 18th Century by the name of Captain Jack Sparrow," Jack protested reasonably. "If I don't exist, how can I be a danger to the crew?"
The grave elven fellow chewed on that for a bit, then dismissed it. "My orders are clear. You are not to leave this room for any reason."
Jack tried a new tactic. "I wonder, do your orders include starving your prisoner?"
"You are not a prisoner. You are a guest."
"Uh-huh. So are all your guests confined to their rooms, or just the potentially dangerous ones?"
"Just the potentially dangerous ones."
"I see. So I suppose the potentially dangerous ones would take care of themselves, then. By starving to death. Eh?"
"Food can be gotten from the replicator. If you are hungry now, simply state what you would like, and I will see that you get it."
"Edible food. With rum," he added, lifting one finger.
The elf herded him back into the room and showed him how to work the replicator, which spat out some rather bland-looking food and a bottle of what he supposed was rum. He used the bottle to give the elf a good rap behind the ears, then took a swig. He spat it out immediately. It was alcohol, yes, but that was all it tasted like. No sweet fruity taste like he liked in his rum.
He wandered around the ship until he came to what looked like a park, with some rather tall trees. Spaceships had to do with the space program, he recalled from one of Tom's lectures. So what were trees doing growing in space?
That thought was driven from his head when he heard screams from one of the trees. A small child was trapped and could not get down. He turned to a youth in a blue uniform. "Will you be saving him, then?"
"I can't climb," said the youth.
"Pride of the space program, you are. Do not lose these." He handed the kid his synthohol and hat. Sure the stuff tasted nasty, but it was alcohol. He might just want to get drunk. He climbed up the tree and handed the child down to Picard, who had just arrived.
Picard looked stern. "You were supposed to stay in your quarters."
Jack threw his arms up dramatically. "Maybe I should stop rescuin' people. It always seems to get me in trouble, for some reason."
"How did you get out of your quarters?"
Jack grinned impudently. "Easy. I opened the door, mate."
The kid handed him back his synthohol and hat.
"Thank you," Jack said. He uncorked the bottle. "Drink up, me 'earties, yo ho!" He took another swig, this time prepared for the nasty taste. It wasn't so bad, really. He'd had worse.
"We're devils and black sheep," a little girl began to sing.
"And really bad eggs," Jack joined in. "Drink up, me 'earties, yo ho! Yo ho, yo ho, a pirate's life for me! I love this song! Really bad eggs." He stumbled off, singing at the top of his lungs.
"I checked the holodeck, sir, and there's nothing wrong with it."
"Mr. Sparrow was in there earlier. He was singing something about being proud to be a buccaneer."
"Ah, yes. The tune belongs to a patriotic song popular in the late 20th and early 21st century America. He should not have known the tune."
Picard groaned.
"Perhaps he learned the song in the year 2005, when there was the purported sighting of the Black Pearl. I am beginning to consider the possibility that he was telling the truth. Indeed, that version of the song was temporarily popular in various parts of the United States, beginning with the high school which was the target of the pirate attack. It was supposedly written by the girl Lyndsay Astra."
"Supposedly?"
"Lyndsay Astra became something of a local legend. According to the stories, she and her brother suddenly became excellent fencers in the middle of February in 2004. The stories also claim that she found Jack Sparrow's hat. Another story claims that she single-handedly hijacked a Disney Carnival Cruise ship. Several stories portray her as an elf."
More stuff happened, including an encounter with French space pirates, but that's not really important to this story. What is important is that exactly a month after Jack's arrival, the Enterprise lost engine power while orbiting Earth and began to fall toward the ground.
Imagine all the freaks from your high school, added to all the politicians you can name. Now imagine all those people stuck on an island with nothing to do. Now imagine that insanity multiplied by ten, and you've got the level of craziness that was present at the time.
It started with Uncle Jack's disappearance. In the middle of December, he just vanished without a trace. A month later, his whereabouts were still unknown. If Uncle Jack had been there, at least one of the ships would have gotten out okay. But he wasn't, so when the Coast Guard and the redcoats ran aground while chasing the pirate ships, all the pirates pointed and laughed, and none of them paid attention to where they were headed. Shortly thereafter, they, too, had run aground.
So the Coast Guard, the redcoats, and the pirates were stuck on a tropical island, which would have been bad enough by itself. But no, fate—or Friday—wasn't content to leave it at that. This was yet another Friday the 13th, and Friday's Law, as Lightning called it, was coming into play with full force.
"What's that?" Tom asked. He pointed at a strange shape in the sky.
"It's a bird!" Lyn cried. "It's a plane! It's—"
"It looks like a spaceship," Katie said, half-jokingly. "It is a UFO, after all."
Lyn grinned. "Help! We're—" She doubled over in laughter.
"Breathe, Lyn," said Katie.
When Lyn finally calmed down, she began again. "Help! We're being attacked by an Ultrasonic Flying Orange!"
Beth, who'd been protected from most of the vagaries of the Bermuda Triangle, gave Lyn an edgy look. "Ha!" said Lyn. "I can still scare the little kids. Don't worry, Beth, I'm perfectly insane. Crazier than Sammy. Craziest girl around."
"Sammy" rolled her eyes. She was over forty now, and did not appreciate being referred to as "Sammy," but she knew that there was no reasoning with Lyn. When she was twenty-five, Jack Sparrow had declared her to be the craziest girl he'd ever met; twenty years ago, Lyn had received that title, although for Lyn it had been more like two years. "Herald Lyndsay is crazier. Thinks she's from another world. Vethkar or something."
"Velgarth," Herald Lyndsay corrected.
"She is from another world," Lyn said.
"And she talks to her horse," Samantha added.
"Companion," both Lyndsays corrected.
At that moment, Tom cried, "It's a spaceship!"
"She is a Companion," Herald Lyndsay repeated.
Lyn wiggled her eyebrows in a wave pattern to show that she didn't see the sense in what Tom had said. "Kid, you just went over the edge into lunacy."
"No, look!" Tom insisted, pointing toward the sky. Toward the spaceship.
"Oh," Lyn said, looking abashed.
"Oh," Tom said, in an it-took-you-long-enough tone of voice.
"But I'm supposed to be Jack!" Lyn protested.
Junior pointed out, "You are Sparrow."
"Wee! Wee!" Lyn flapped her arms. Her face fell. "I can't fly."
"Come on!" Tom yelled. "It's the Enterprise!"
The ship landed in the water. A shuttle came out. The shuttle crashed into the palm trees. The exit ramp came out. The first person out was—
"Jack Sparrow?"
"Captain Jack Sparrow," Lyn corrected her brother.
"Ensign Jack Sparrow," Tom insisted impudently.
"Cap'n Picard!" Jack called. "Data! Come take a look at this. More nonexistent pirates from the 18th Century, an' a few from the 21st Century."
"The Enterprise doesn't exist either," Lyn said.
"It will," Tom said.
"Yes, and Captain Jack Sparrow is a real person," Lyn said, suppressing a grin.
"What's that?" Norrington demanded, gesturing toward the Enterprise.
"It's called a spaceship, mate," Lyn drawled. Katie winced.
"Please don't do that. Once accent at a time, savvy?"
"Aye, savvy."
Meanwhile, the Coast Guard had gone off on their own and were now singing patriotic songs, possibly in an attempt to convince themselves that they were better than these crazy pirates. Lyn recognized the first song: "God Bless the USA." When they were finished singing it, she called to her friends, "C'mon, y'all, let's show 'em what real singin's like!"
If tomorrow all the loot were gone I'd stolen on this run,
An' I had to start again with just me Captain and 'is son,
I'd thank my lucky stars that I was on this ship today,
'Cause the flag still stands for freedom, an' they can't take that away!
An' I'm proud to be a buccaneer, where at least I know I'm free,
An' I won't forget the Captain brave, who gave that right to me,
An' I'd gladly stand up next to you an' defend 'er out at sea,
'Cause there ain't no doubt I love this ship... a pirate's life for me!
From the taverns of Tortuga to the slums of Port Royal,
Across the waves that take us where eagles wheel an' call,
We'll sail to that horizon, in good spirits all the way,
'Cause there's pride in every buccaneer 'eart, an' it's time we stood to say:
I'm proud to be a buccaneer, where at least I know I'm free,
An' I won't forget the Captain brave, who gave that right to me,
An' I'd gladly stand up next to you an' defend 'er out at sea,
'Cause there ain't no doubt I love this ship... a pirate's life for me!
Well, the Coast Guard weren't going to stand for that. They began singing the national anthem; not even pirates would dare to make a parody of that. But the pirates didn't need to. As soon as they were through, Uncle Jack laughed and began to sing the drinking song to which the national anthem had been set.
In the middle of the song, another voice joined in, and Lyn looked from Uncle Jack... to the newcomer... to Uncle Jack... to the newcomer... to Uncle Jack... to the newcomer... to... until she forgot which one was which. "Where are we?" That must have been the newcomer.
"I think Merry an' Pippin have fixed th' cloning machine," Lyn remarked.
"I'm not quite sure exactly where we are, son," Uncle Jack admitted. "Somewhere in th' Bermuda Triangle would by my guess. In the year 2005."
"Two thousand six," Katie corrected.
"One was bad enough," Riker said. "Now there are three of them?" He meant Jack, the newcomer, and Junior.
"Jonny's the name," the newcomer introduced himself. "Jonathan Kingsley. But, sad to say, there actually are two Jack Sparrows. Stay away from both of them if you value your sanity." At that, Riker looked so scared that Jonny had to laugh.
The CG began another song; this time it was "God Bless America." Jonny made up a parody on the spot: "God bless the Liberty, ship that I love. Stand beside 'er, an' guide 'er, through the night with the light from above. From the taverns of Tortuga to the oceans white with foam, God bless the Liberty, my home sweet home. God bless the Liberty, my home sweet home!"
It quickly devolved into a contest for who could come up with the better song. The CG sang "Battle Hymn of the Republic"; Lyn countered with "Dixie." After they sang "My Country 'Tis of Thee," Bard Woggle, who was getting into the spirit of the contest, came up with a song with the same tune: "Sweet ocean 'tis of thee, great sea of liberty, of thee I sing. Sea that the pirates hail, sea where my fathers dwell, from every ship's tall sail, let freedom ring!"
The Coast Guard then tried "America the Beautiful." Lyn totally bested them with a song her sister and friends had made up. "Oh beautiful for theorems proved, which finish Q.E.D. Conjectures, lemmas, postulates, reach to infinity! Oh Mathcamp alma mater dear, we love the golden phi. From epsilons to polygons, the only place to be!
"Oh beautiful for nots and links, for computations' reign. For real, discrete, and Abel's crew are filling up my brain. Oh Mathcamp alma mater dear, our home forever more. For all our days, we'll keep your ways, both mellow and hardcore."
The CG were getting rather riled up by this time. In an attempt to calm down, they sang "This Land Is My Land."
"This ship is our ship, an' it ain't your ship, an' it's our freedom that we will worship, from the port of Nassau, to Port Royal's taverns, this ship was made to sail the sea."
The CG next sang "Swannee River."
"Who wants to be around a bunch o' old folks?" Lyn demanded.
"Lyn," Jack said warningly.
"Old people are slow, an' they smell like Gimbel!"
"Lyn."
"Ooh, look, fiddles!" Lyn exclaimed. "Ha! Jack, you devil, come 'ere! Jonny, you too!" She whispered something to them, then began to sing. "Oh, the devil went down to Georgia. He was lookin' for a soul to steal. He was in a bind, 'cause 'e was way behind, an' 'e was willin' to make a deal. He came across this young man sawin' on a fiddle an' playin' it hot, an' the devil jumped up on a hickory stump an' said:"
"Boy, let me tell you what," Jack sang. "In case you didn't know it, I'm a fiddle player too, an' if you care to take a dare I'll make a bet with you. Now you play pretty good fiddle, boy, but give the devil 'is due. I'll bet a fiddle o' gold against yer soul 'cause I think I'm better'n you."
"The boy said:"
"My name's Jonny, an' it might be a sin, but I'll take yer bet, yer gonna regret, 'cause I'm the best there's ever been," Jonny sang.
"Jonny, rosin up yer bow, an' play yer fiddle hard, 'cause hell's broke lose in Georgia an' the devil deals the cards. An' if you win you get that shiny fiddle made of gold, but if you lose the devil gets your soul." She paused for the fiddle music. "The devil opened up 'is case an' said:"
"I'll start this show."
"Fire flew from 'is fingertips as 'e rosined up 'is bow. He drew the bow across the strings an' it made a evil hiss. Then a band o' demons joined in, an' it sounded somethin' like this." There was another pause. "When the devil finished, Jonny said:"
"Now, yer pretty good, ol' son. But sit down in that chair right there an' let me show you how it's done."
"He played."
"Fire on the mountains, run boys run. Devil's in the house with the risin' sun. Chicken in the breadpan, pickin' out dough. Granny does yer dog bite, no, child, no."
"The devil bowed his head because he knew that he'd been beat. He laid that golden fiddle down on the ground at Jonny's feet. Jonny said:"
"Devil, just come on back, if you ever wanna try again. I done told you once, you son of a bitch, I'm the best there's ever been."
Of course, the CG wasn't going to let the pirates have the last say, so they began to sing "The Devil Went Back Down to Georgia," only Lyn drowned them out with her screeching. She had a nice voice most of the time, and a loud voice most of the time, but rarely the twain would be at the same time.
Apparently the Coast Guard had gotten into some of the pirates' rum, because one of them stood up rather unsteadily and challenged the pirates to a race.
"I'm on it!" Lyn said.
So they plotted out a racecourse. The CG captain, as Lyn could tell from his stripes, was faster, and Lyn wasn't going to stand for that. So when he passed her on the way back, she kicked him in the stomach, leaving him winded and easily passed. Lyn tripped on the sand on the way back and he almost caught up with her, but she put on a burst of speed and barely made it to the finish line first. "You cheated!" he accused.
Lyn smiled innocently. "Pirate."
He grabbed her and threw her into the water. In retaliation, the other pirates grabbed him and the rest of the CG and threw them into the water. When the Navy tried to join the fray, they also took a swim, except most of them couldn't swim and almost drowned in three feet of water.
Katie, meanwhile, was having her baby, a boy whom she named William Turner the Third. Go figure.
System Lord Kali watched it all from her vantage point ten feet in the air. How she managed to stay there, no one could tell. She was chanting something—what was it? Oh, that old Airborne Rangers chant of Lyn's. "Oh, there are no airborne rangers in the Coast Guard."
"In the Coast Guard!" Lyn said.
"Oh, there are no airborne rangers in the Coast Guard."
"In the Coast Guard!"
"'Cause they're chasing after pirates, and they don't know how to fight us, oh, there are no airborne rangers in the Coast Guard."
"In the Coast Guard!"
Uncle Jack woke up three days later with a headache the size of Jamaica. "What day is it?" he asked. He was answered by several shrugs. Everyone else had also been out for the past two days, and had no more idea than him what day it was.
Uncle Jack squinted at the sky. It was still dark out. He decided to go back to sleep.
"Oh no you don't," said that crazy girl who'd been floating in the air singing Lyn's song. "It's Monday."
"How do you know?" Uncle Jack grumbled. Bloody girl. She sounded too damn cheerful. And that stick she was holding in her hand glowed. And it gave off the most annoying buzzing sound, which made his head pound more than ever.
"I swore off getting drunk when I married Jack," she replied. "I figured one of us had to be sober at all times, and it sure wasn't going to be Jack."
That got his attention. "Huh?" Maybe she was Lyn come back from the future. That made sense, in a Tom sort of way. Except she had a different name. Collie or something.
"You know, Colonel Jack O'Neill. He outranks you. He's actually the clone of General Jack O'Neill, from when my buddy Loki stole Jack's ass and made a mini-him. Loki's probably still behind bars for that one."
Uncle Jack squinted at her, hoping this was all just a dream. He'd caught maybe every other word she said. And wasn't Loki a Norse god?
"Loki's an Asgard," the crazy lady explained. "Norse god of mischief. The Asgard are the Roswell aliens, which you wouldn't know about since they're after your time. Little grey guys, three feet tall, big heads, skinny legs, enormous eyes. Can't miss 'em."
"Yer crazier than Lyn," Uncle Jack declared.
"No, actually, Lyn's crazier than I am, I just seem crazier. I would never take most of the risks she's been taking, for no reason but that it's fun. I risk my life for the betterment of the universe—mine and all the other alternate ones I keep getting thrown into, one of which would be this one. Now get up."
She wandered off, still waving that glowing stick of hers, singing something about a guy called Anakin. She found Tom easily enough. "Tom, kid, wake up. Time to go to school."
"I don't wanna go to school," Tom whined. "I got a headache."
"I don't care. Get up."
"But Mom—"
"I'm not your mother, I'm your sister from an alternate reality."
That jolted Tom out of sleep. "Alternate reality? No, you're too old to be my sister. You're like as old as my mom!"
Kali rolled her eyes. "Not quite, kiddo. Old enough to be your mom, I'll grant you that. Though I don't look it." And she didn't. But that was because she had a snake living in her head that kept her from aging. "Now get your butt out of bed so I can take you to school."
"How am I going to get there?"
"Well, there's a nice spaceship right over there. I think I can figure out how to fly it. Just don't ask me to use the weapons."
There had to be a story behind that, but Tom knew better than to ask.
Unfortunately, Lyn was also awake by this time, and she didn't know better. "Why?"
"Well, there was that one time when Blake was flying me up to that big Goa'uld mothership so we could rescue Méra and Zak, and those bloody Jaffa warriors had to come after us in their death gliders, and I couldn't hit a one of them. Managed to hit the mothership, though. Damaged the inertial dampeners. That was a problem when the Kid was trying to fly the mothership back to Omalya, and managed to knock everyone out when he finally got the damn thing moving. Broke my leg, too."
Lyn winced. Tom looked like you-deserved-what-you-got. Uncle Jack just looked confused.
"C'mon, Kid. Let's get you to school," Kali said. She finally turned off the glowy light stick thingy, which was in fact a lightsaber. She grabbed Tom by the scruff of his neck and dragged him into the Enterprise, which had been vacated of its crew.
The ship, of course, wouldn't turn on. The engines were all dead. "Hmm. Guess I'll have to MacGyver this," Kali muttered.
At that moment, MacGyver himself walked out of one of the doors. "Kali?" he asked, obviously recognizing the crazy Jedi lady. "Is this your ship?"
"Actually, this is the Enterprise," Kali said, frowning at the engine. "I don't suppose you'd know how to fix it." Then she seemed to really notice that MacGyver was there. "Wait. I came through the Stargate, but right now it's at the bottom of the ocean—so how in Sokar's name did you get here?"
"Well, I'm not sure. I thought you'd beamed me up or something."
"No, don't have any Asgard beaming technology on this ship, and besides, we're still on land."
Tom just laughed. "You could've used the Enterprise's beaming technology."
MacGyver looked at Tom. "Who's he? Jack Junior?"
Tom looked offended.
"No, Junior's still a little kid. That's my brother in this reality. More time-travel stuff, you know."
"Somebody call my name?" Jack (Junior) asked, boarding the ship.
Only Tom seemed to understand what on Earth, Omalya, or Abydos he meant. "Yeah, she did."
"Did not," Kali protested. "What is your name?"
Jack doffed his tricorn hat with a flourish. "Captain Jack Sparrow, Junior."
"Oh," Kali said. "I shoulda known. Actually, I was talking about my son, Jack O'Neill, Junior. Looks nothing like you, not to mention that he's only five years old."
Jack shook his head and got off the ship.
Meanwhile MacGyver was trying to fix the engine. "There. I think I've got it." He stepped back, and the ship vibrated to life.
"Okay," Kali said, looking at the controls. "I have no idea how to pilot this thing. Kid?"
Tom nodded and took over. He'd watched Star Trek often enough that he knew how to fly the Enterprise. Only, he didn't know how to land. So when they got to the school, they managed to crash into the field where frightened children had recently abandoned their game of soccer to watch the UFO. Unfortunately, the other UFO, the orange one, had, for some reason, followed them, and was now wreaking havoc among the poor schoolchildren.
"What the Hell just hit me?" Kali demanded when she got out of the ship and was immediately bowled over by the Ultrasonic Flying Orange.
"Oh, that," Tom said. "That must be the Ultrasonic Flying Orange Lyn was talking about."
Kali held out her hand. She had this ribbony gold thing on it, wrapped around her arm, with a clear red stone in the palm. A glittery force shield formed around her, preventing her from being hit again.
They walked to Attendance. "Hello. I know you, but I don't remember your name," Kali said to the lady who was sitting in attendance. "Oh well. We just came to tell you why Tom has been absent from school. He got kidnapped by pirates. No, really."
"Oh, you mean the pirates who attacked the school last year?"
"Er, I guess. I'm not really sure. Look, I've been busy working on some really important classified stuff at the Cheyenne Mountain Complex, so I've been really out of the loop. All I know is that my cousin asked me to come rescue her son from a bunch of pirates who had kidnapped him over"—she looked at the calendar—"Christmas Break. See, I used to be in Military Intelligence, and I'd go on rescue missions like that all the time. I was going to rescue his sister Lyn as well, but she's one of the pirates, so she didn't want to be rescued."
The attendance lady seemed to accept this explanation, so Kali and MacGyver left. "So," MacGyver said. "Antarctica?"
Kali shook her head. "They've already moved that Gate. Let's try our luck in Colorado. Maybe this time I can convince them I'm a Tok'ra, not a Goa'uld. Failing all else, I'll use Jedi mind-tricks to make them let me go through the Stargate."
"And failing that?"
"Well, there's still the Gate at the bottom of the ocean. I may be able to bring it up to the surface."
MacGyver shook his head. "You are by far the craziest woman I've ever met," he said.
"Lyn's crazier," Kali said.
"Never met her," Mac pointed out.
"Point," Kali allowed. "So, Colorado?"
"Colorado is it."
Okay, so sorry about that. I forgot that the hijacking of the Enterprise was supposed to be in this chapter. Lost my notes, you see.
