Chapter 15: The Characters Staying in My Closet

Disclaimer: SLK: Well, let's see. We are System Lord Kali, and as such, we are a goddess. We have no use for one measly pirate ship, since we already have our own fleets of spaceships. However, we would be very much obliged if Disney would simply hand over their copyrights without a fuss. Otherwise we might be forced to make war upon their theme parks and sow death and destruction among their customers.

Me: Shut up. You're a false goddess, you're the good twin, and despite Luke's fears and your love for dark chocolate, you're on the Light Side of the Force. Oh, and by the way, if you do conquer Disney, remember to give me PotC. You can keep Islands of Adventure as your private theme park.

A/N (5/2/05): We got our Yearbooks today. Apparently I was somehow intoxicated when I listed my nicknames (don't know how; I don't drink), and I'd written "Jack Sparrow" as one of them. Now I'll have to go through everyone's Yearbook and add the "Captain." And, yes, I have been called Jack Sparrow. By my Driver's Ed class. I actually responded to it. Then they began to call me Johnny Depp. And for those of you who are wondering, I'm female. May not look it all the time, but I am.


The pirates were just sailing around the vortex, minding their own business and trying not to think about all the things that could go wrong. Suddenly, for no reason at all, a dark, menacing, swirling black cloud, with lightning bolts going through it, just sort of appeared in the middle of the Pearl. Well, actually, not quite for no reason. Lyn had been singing some song about destruction and chaos. People started coming out of it. Random people. There was Firesong again; and Tom Bombadil; and Kalariel, looking rather dangerous and wielding a sword; a miniature Balrog by the name of Mithrander, whom Lyn greeted with delight; and two Aragorns.

"Wait a minute," Lyn said. "Two Aragorns?"

Yes, two Aragorns.

And—

"Merry! Pippin! What on Earth do you think you're doing?" yelled none other than System Lord Kali. On a side note to MacGyver, she said, "I should have known we wouldn't escape that easily."

"At least we're out of that closet," MacGyver said. They'd managed to go from "Into to Vortex" to "The Adventures of the Characters Staying in My Closet." Kali still wasn't sure which was worse. Well, "Into the Vortex," now, because it now had all the "Characters Staying in My Closet."

Merry looked up guiltily, but Pippin was, as always, unaware that he'd done anything wrong. "Merry here found some mushrooms. Do you want some?"

"Give me those!" Kali grabbed the mushrooms and threw them into the water. Several of the fish swimming around the Pearl got dreamy looks and floated to the surface. The mushrooms were, of course, magic mushrooms.

Lyn, who had managed to get a hold of some of the mushrooms and eat them, was now doubled over laughing. She was busy watching a fight between the cat Imperator Manlius Maximus, better known as Max, and Mithrander the mini-Balrog.

The Chaos Tunnel was still open, and more people—and things were coming out. There went the One Ring, quickly snatched up by Lyn, who was then attacked by Gollum. Lyn, Katie, Trey, and Jack immediately started a game of monkey-in-the-middle with Gollum as the monkey, only to be interrupted by Voldemort. "Scaredy-cat! Scaredy-cat!" Lyn taunted, grabbing for Voldy's wand. She missed.

Her taunts, however, caught the attention of Kali, who simply used her Jedi powers to call Voldy's wand to her.

"Hey!" Voldy said. "That's not fair. You shouldn't be able to do that."

Kali gave him a superior look. "We are the Goddess of Death, and you will bow before us."

Voldy, who was, after all, just a bully, crumbled under her glare and fell to his knees. "O most powerful Goddess, I beg your forgiveness, I have not worshipped you as I should have. Please have mercy on your humble servant."

Kali crooked a finger. "Come here, O humble servant. You will be our personal slave, catering to our every whim."

Lyn giggled when Kali made Voldemort brush her hair.

And, wonder of wonders, the Chaos Tunnel was now moving, dropping people into the water. Like Draco Malfoy, who was very affronted to have his robes dripping with saltwater. Toby threw him a rope and dragged him onto the Red Sun.

"You," Draco said with a sneer.

"Yeah, me," Toby said. "Do I know you?"

"You're that Stormwind kid. The one who's always playing pranks on people."

"Yeah, well, that describes all the Stormwinds, really," Toby said. "So who are you?"

"Draco Malfoy," Draco said, as if it meant he was Heir to the Throne of England.

"Well bully for you."

The Chaos Tunnel had followed Draco onto the Red Sun. Out came a dementor. Draco fainted.

"What's that?" Toby asked, shuddering a bit. He was reliving his worst moment, which was that time he'd had to kill that git from the Navy because he would not give up. Stupid git, though. Deserved to die. At least, that's what Toby kept telling himself.

System Lord Kali floated over and groaned. She was as pale as a ghost. Her worst moments were things no one should have to go through. She'd been tortured by rival System Lords, had very bad days that just went from bad to worse, done things she really didn't want to think about, and basically had a life that it took one tough girl to lead. It had left her very disillusioned with the world. "Dementors. Wonderful. We're being invaded by creatures from Harry Potter. When will it end?"

"Mhy nhaaame isss Deeemeee," said the dementor.

"Oh, lovely, it talks," said Kali.

"I can control it, your worship," said Voldemort from the other ship.

"Yes, Voldy-Moldy Valdewarts, I know you can control it, but I can control it better. Hello Deme. Could you tone down the sucking out every good thought a bit? It's really bothering people here. You're supposed to be a nice dementor."

How Kali knew about Deme, Lyn didn't know. Kali seemed to know a lot she shouldn't have any way of knowing.

Mithrander stopped fighting Max the Manx long enough to snatch the One Ring out of the air and eat it. The Chaos Tunnel moved back to the Pearl and spat out Morgoth and Sauron, currently arguing over who was the greater Dark Lord. Voldy, of course, could not resist joining the fight.

"I am the greatest of all Dark Lords!" Morgoth declared.

"Are not!" said Sauron. "I am the greatest. I created the One Ring."

"Which is currently in Mithrander's stomach," Lyn pointed out.

"Shut up, mortal!" Sauron snapped.

System Lord Kali intervened. "You will treat our sister goddess with respect. She is Minerva, Goddess of Wisdom, of which you obviously have none."

Lyn wanted to ask how Kali had known her Roman goddess identity she'd been given in Latin class, but she figured that would ruin the whole goddess persona Kali had just created for her.

"I am the greatest Dark Lord, indeed the greatest wizard alive," said Voldemort.

"Quiet, slave," Kali snapped. "Dumbledore is a greater wizard than you'll ever be."

Voldy bowed humbly before her.

"Gandalf is the greatest wizard in the world," Pippin piped up.

"Gandalf died," Lyn said.

"He did?" Pippin asked.

Samwise Gamgee appeared with a frying pan, and immediately went after Sauron, giving him a good whack over the head that knocked him unconscious.

Kali smiled darkly at Morgoth. "We are the Goddess of Death, and we will not stand for your petty power struggles. You must serve us or die."

Morgoth was nonplussed. He sent a bolt of power at Kali, which simply slid off her shield. She then used her Goa'uld hand-device to throw him across the length of the ship. He was nonplussed no longer.

Firesong, meanwhile, was having fits over Tom Bombadil's outfit. Firesong was still wearing his many layers of pirate silk, and Tom was wearing his usual bright blue jacket, brown pants, and yellow boots. Firesong alternately lectured Tom on fashion and hid his head in his arms with a groan. Then Tom began to sing, and Firesong threw up his arms in disgust. "You're hopeless, absolutely hopeless. I don't know why I even bother."

A poor little redhaired kid, name of Lavan, came tumbling out of the cloud. He hid behind the rigging in an attempt to stay away from the fighting, but no. Sauron spotted him and decided that here was a good object of torment. Lavan felt his skin heat up. Just as the two Aragorns attacked Sauron from the back, the Dark Lord burst into flame. Both Aragorns jumped back and exchanged a startled glance.

"No!" Uncle Jack said in despair. "My ship!" For now the rigging had caught fire.

With a thought, Lavan extinguished the flames. Uncle Jack looked muchly relieved.

Kali herded all the strange people back into the Chaos Tunnel, leaving only the people from various (relatively) normal PotC fics, Bard Woggle, Herald Lyndsay with her Companion Lyrna, and the Martian girl Kyra, with her mid-thigh coppery hair, done up in a braid, pale skin, and blue-green eyes.


Okay, that was my random bout of insanity for today, because I'd noticed the story was getting just a little too normal. Now you can all wait with baited breath for the attack of the purple underwear monkeys—or you can go read my Stargate fics, which are where System Lord Kali comes from, although she doesn't actually become System Lord Kali until much later. If you want to see her as System Lord Kali, read my MacGyver fics, which are in fact Stargate crossovers set in MacGyververse.

The next chapter is in progress and should be up soon. It will be up even sooner if I actually get reviews. DMC will be incorporated somewhere around Chapter 19, because that's when it comes/came out.