Into the Vortex
Chapter 16
Savvy Pirates
Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. Any resemblance to real people and places is purely intentional but should not be taken seriously.
A/N (11/13/05): I don't go to high school anymore, so I can make fun of whomever I please. Just remember, this is all in good fun, and not meant to offend anyone. But the homeroom teachers' names are totally made up. Although I may go back and add some things that really happened. Jill is so going to have to tell me everything that goes on. Some of this is actually based loosely off real events, but it happened a couple years ago, not a few months in the future.
A ship is like a country, on a scale so very small;
And when we make a choice, we vote upon it, one an' all.
We're really savvy pirates, we're the terror of the sea.
Run up that Jolly Roger! It's a pirate's life for me.
(exerpt from "A Pirate's Life for Me" by yours truly.)
It was, once again, that time of year. The time most dreaded by secondary school students throughout the state of Florida.
What was that? Final exams? Who cares about finals? They're easy, and at least somewhat interesting. No need to stress over them.
No, this was far worse. It was time to take the dreaded FCATs, that comprehensive achievement test that tested knowledge a baby would know, gave way too much time for the tests, and wouldn't allow students to read or do much of anything once they were through.
At West Shore Jr/Sr High, a tradition was being carried out. Every year, while the younger unfortunates were penned away taking the nefarious test, the Juniors and Seniors would get all spirited up and would take part in what was known as the Wildcat Challenge. First Junior homerooms competed against other Juniors, while Seniors competed against Seniors; then it would be Juniors versus Seniors.
"Juniors are so going to win," Lyn said to Katie as they discussed the upcoming events. "This year's Seniors suck."
Katie shrugged and nodded. She and Lyn had both started out with the current Senior class, and both had skipped grades in order to get out of it. Lyn had ended up in the coolest of the cool of all classes. Katie hadn't been quite so lucky.
"We kicked your ass," Lyn told Katie. And they had indeed. The Wildcat Challenge, like Powderpuff, was engineered so that the Seniors would always win. Somehow, though, Lyn's Junior class had beaten Katie's Senior class at both Powderpuff and Wildcat Challenge.
"Lisa's a Junior this year," Katie said. She was rather proud of her younger sister. "You know what we should do? We should go there. To the school. We could, like, be an unattached team or something."
Now that they didn't have Herald Lyndsay to act as a killjoy, and Killjoy Kate was on their side—hell, it was her idea in the first place—they decided to go ahead and do as she suggested. Lyn, Jack, Katie, Trey, Sam, Toby, Kyra, and Bard Woggle headed together for West Shore Junior/Senior High School.
They headed first for the classrooms, where the proctors were trying to proctor the FCATs. The first room they entered, the proctor held up his hands in surrender as soon as he saw their drawn pistols. The students hid under their desks while the pirates pilfered the classroom. Sam stuck sticky notes all over the walls. Lyn leapt from desk to desk, reciting lines from "The Princess Bride." Toby shot off a shiny party popper. Kyra chased after the confetti, a gleam in her eyes. "Shiny," she said.
The second classroom was slightly less disorganized. The proctor, rather than immediately surrender, flipped madly through his instruction book. "Pirates," he muttered. "Pirates. I don't have a rubric for pirates! They're not on my roster."
Growing bored with the classrooms, they headed for the gym, where the juniors and seniors were gathered for Brain Bowl, where homerooms competed against each other to see who was smartest.
Inside the gym…
Lisa's homeroom had chosen the name Veldan's Vampires. Lisa herself was dressed up as what she termed a "vampirate," with a picture of said beastie done in red on the back of her black shirt. She wore a red sash around her waist and a black bandana. Blood—no one quite dared ask whether it was real or fake—dripped down her chin. Long golden fangs flashed every time she smiled.
The others in her homeroom had gone totally goth, with black lipstick, corsets, and everything. Most of them were breathing, so they must not have laced their corsets tight enough. Perhaps that was the reason only vampires wore corsets these days—they were undead, so they didn't have to breathe.
Another homeroom was the Savvy Pirates. Well, at least it was a better name than one of the teams from Katie's Senior year, the Happy Pirates. They'd wanted to be called the Gay Pirates, but Administration nixed the idea. Anyhoo, the Savvy Pirates were dressed up in outfits that were absolutely absurd when one considered the fact that pirates had to live on ships. Four-inch heels were all well and good for poking holes in too-ardent suitors, but there was no way a girl could walk in them on a swaying deck. And the guys had so many frills they'd fly away in a stiff breeze.
The seniors were having their Brain Bowl at the moment, and the Savvy Pirates were among the competitors. Actually, from the looks of things, they might have the best chance at winning. This year's seniors weren't really the sharpest knives in the drawer.
"Name the English actress who—" the person asking the questions began.
One of the Savvy Pirates buzzed in. Before he could be called, he yelled out, "Johnny Depp."
Lisa groaned. "Hang the pirates!" she yelled just as the real pirates swaggered, swished, and stumbled into the gym.
"Hang the pirates?" Katie demanded. "Is that any way to greet your sister?"
"Not you, them!" Lisa replied, waving her plastic sword in the direction of the contestants. "They call themselves the Savvy Pirates, but they just said—they said—" She broke off in a wail, unable to repeat such blasphemy.
"They said Johnny Depp was an English actress," a classmate finished for her.
"Oh," said Katie. "You're right. Hang the pirates."
"Now, twinny dear, aren't you being a bit harsh?" Lyn asked.
"Harsh?" Katie demanded. "Harsh? These—these—these wannabes are making us look bad. Hang them, I say. Make room in the sea for the real buccaneers."
"That means you're going to have to hang yourselves," someone observed.
Katie shrugged. "Already been done. 'Listen, ye who hear my words—'"
"Yes, Katie," Lyn interrupted. "I think they all saw the newscasts of that particular episode. Although that was the shooting, not the hanging." She smiled a feral smile at the Savvy Pirates, who were now only yards away from her. "So, mates. Ye think yer savvier than us?"
"You got a problem with that?" demanded one of the Savvy Pirates—not the same one who'd recently uttered such sacrilege. Thus was proven that stupidity was not monopolized by a single one of the so-called Pirates, but shared equally amongst them.
"Aye," Lyn replied. "A big problem. If ye think yer savvier than us, then yer bloody wrong."
"Prove it."
"Who's this?" Lyn jerked her thumb at Jack.
"In real life or in costume?" Hey, someone with brains! However small they might be.
"Either one."
"Jack Sparrow." Well, so much for brains.
"Wrong."
"Then who?"
"Captain Jack Sparrow, Junior." They so should have seen that coming.
They swept their way into the stands, Katie's glare and her hand on her throwing knives just daring anyone to say them nay. Lyn spotted Dean Melia heading their way. "Hey, look! It's the HMS Melia, pride of the administration. Whatever should we do?"
Katie shot her a grin. "Run out the guns, shoot down his masts, burn down his sails, and set him adrift."
"No, I've got a better idea," Lyn declared. "We'll aim high, shoot down half his masts, burn down half his sails, and set him a-midriff, 'cause he really hates that." Dean Melia was well-known for being a stickler for the "no-midriff" rule.
As Dean Melia got closer, Katie took out her gun. "Bye-bye. We're terrorists, remember? Maybe you should evacuate the school."
"Hey!" Lyn said. "I object to being called a terrorist. I'm a thief, not a martyr."
"Well, I, for one, am perfectly content to terrorize little children," Katie replied, baring her fangs. "Hello, students. I vant to suck your blood."
The gym was cleared in record time.
Thanks to my friend Sebastian Piccione for the "set him a-midriff" joke. Hilarious as I found it, I'm afraid I can't take credit for that one. And, yes, we really had a homeroom call themselves the Happy Pirates. And they also wore four-inch heels. Saints preserve us from idiots the world over.
Now, in flagrant violation of ff.mort's ridiculous no-reply-to-reviews rule:
City-seagull: Glad to know my story interested you. I would like to point out that this story can easily be classified as "marysue crap" as well (because every third character is a self-insert; but shh! Don't tell anyone), but I do try to make it interesting to people other than myself. I was overjoyed to get your review, because it's the first review for this story I've gotten since I updated it for the first time in over a year. It's also always nice to get a new reviewer. I hope you continue to enjoy—and review—my story. ;-)
