Into the Vortex

Chapter 18

Embrace Your Inner Child

A/N (7/28/2006): Let's see, what did I do on my 18th birthday? Well, basically what I'm putting in this chapter. I had my friend Kaly drive me to an adult toy store, then to Wal-Mart so I could buy a cake and a piñata. Too bad Fetish Ball was two weeks before my birthday. Ask if you dare.

A/N (7/31/2006): Ow. My poor, aching nose. I was out with my cousin yesterday, learning how to surf. So she's sitting behind me on her board, helping position my board to catch the wave—this is my very first attempt, mind—and then the wave comes, grabs me, grabs her board, and leaves her behind. Her board bangs down on the back of my head and whams my face into my board. So there I am, sandwiched between two boards, with the wave pounding around me. Yeah. Not fun. I suppose I'm lucky my nose isn't broken.

Rachel: Yay! You're back! I've missed you. Sorry about the ear infection. Have some cyber-chocolate to make it better. Guess what? I've been working at this place called Harmony Farms on Saturdays. It's a horse ranch for handicapped kids. So, anyway, I've been volunteering there. Just thought you might like to know, since I remember you like horses. Oh, and please don't kittynap my cats. I'll update quickly, I promise.


The date was May 13, 2006. Not a Friday. It was, in fact, a Saturday. This startling fact followed quite naturally from the fact that this very same date, the year previously, had landed one day prior in the week, that is, a Friday. Days and dates are funny that way.

This day, although lacking the strange and, frankly, quite frightening power of a Friday the 13th (for which small grace one Captain Jack Sparrow was quite grateful; bad enough to have a crew full of insane children, even worse when the elements lost their wits), was still quite important. And terrifying in its own right.

It was, much to the detriment of the world in general and Floridian politics in particular, the eighteenth birthday of Lyndsay Anne Astra Sparrow and Kathleen Kelly Adams Turner.

It was also, incidentally, precisely a year after this story began, thus making it the anniversary of the day when Jack and Trey had been bested by a half-conscious girl.

Lyn woke at the ungodly hour of ten in the morning to the sound of Bard Woggle singing "Happy Birthday" while Corwin looked on with a dreamy expression. Lyn groaned and snuggled her head more deeply against Jack's chest. Dreamy eyes first thing in the morning made her sick. Or maybe that was just the baby kicking.

It seemed Corwin shared the opinion that it was the baby, because when Lyn groaned into her pillow, "Oh, please, stop looking at her like that before I puke," he replied, "If you feel sick, it's only because you're increasing."

That got Lyn to sit straight up. "Increasing? Who uses words like increasing anymore? That's so last century. I'm not increasing, I'm increased!"

Katie was also on the Pearl, having had a brief falling-out with Trey. Well, actually, he'd said something thoughtless, and she'd bit him, then decided that perhaps she should nip on over to another ship to visit with her good twin, leaving Billy in the care of Toby's new wife, Jenny.

Katie, being Katie, was already up. The only reason she hadn't also woken everyone else on the Pearl before the crack of dawn (besides the fact that Uncle Jack would shoot her if she tried anything so foolish) was that it was Lyn's birthday. So, as a treat to her good twin, she'd let everyone sleep in four hours longer than she would otherwise have allowed.

"I think we should have a party," Katie announced.

Uncle Jack's eyes lit up. "Aye, with rum."

"No, without rum," Katie said without sarcasm.

Uncle Jack eyed her warily. "Without rum?" he asked, hoping she'd laugh and say it was just a joke.

Unfortunately for him, it wasn't. "Lyn and I are eighteen today. We're adults in the eyes of the world. I think we should show them that we still know how to be kids. After we pay a visit to the nearest adult toy store, that is," she added, casting a speculative glance at the Windrunner (that's Will Turner's ship, for those of you who've forgotten because I've been remiss in updating).

"Aye, show 'em ye know how to be kids by gettin' roarin' drunk an' makin' fools o' yerselves," Uncle Jack said desperately. No rum? How could she do this to him? Why, it was—it was—

It was evil, that's what it was, he realized with a sigh. Just like Killjoy Kate.

"No, we'll show we know how to be kids by drinking soda and eating cake," Katie countered, smiling maliciously at Uncle Jack's disappointment. "Now get up, Lyn. You and me and Junior have a date with an adult toy store."

Jack frowned as Lyn got a devilish glint in her eyes. "What's an adult toy store?"

"Porn shop," Lyn said, then sighed when Jack still didn't seem to understand. She leaned over to whisper in his ear, and soon Jack's expression mirrored her own.

"Well, what are we waiting for?" he demanded. "C'mon, Dad. Make for the nearest port. We're going shopping!"


Because this story is meant to be PG-13 (or T, with ff-dot-mort's stupid new rating system), we'll skim over what happened in the adult toy store. Use your imagination. Suffice to say: Katie and fishnet; Lyn and a T-shirt saying "Kiss Me, I'm Wasted"; and Jack declaring that she'd better not wear that shirt in front of anyone but him.

Then it was on to Wal-Mart for their piñata. Unicorn, of course. Katie considered it the perfect irony.

Lyn somehow arranged for them to rent a bounce house while Katie was turning in their voters registrations. The poor clerk who accepted the registrations cast a wary glance at Katie. "Do I know you?"

"Nay, I've ne'er seen ye afore in me life," Katie replied in her most piratey voice.

"Do you have identification?"

Katie took out both her and Lyn's drivers' licences.

"This says your surname is Adams, but you've put 'Turner' on the registration."

"I got married," Katie said blandly, waiting for the clerk to get a look at Lyn's name.

"And—Sparrow? Excuse me, but if this is some sort of jest, it's not particularly funny."

"Lyn got married, too." Katie smiled pleasantly, showing off her fangs. "It was quite the affair. She invited the entire nation. Surely you saw her, barging into the conference, stealing the microphone from the president. Oh, did I forget to mention? We're pirates. Quite infamous pirates. In fact, there's probably a price on my head. I've been too busy robbing people to pay attention to possible rewards, but no doubt you could become quite rich if you picked up that phone and dialed the police."

"You mean—you're—?"

"Killjoy Kate Turner, yes," Katie said. "And Lyn would be me good twin, Lightning Lyn Sparrow, formerly known as Lightning Lyn Astra."

"Twin?"

"It's a term of endearment. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a party to attend."


"She kicked me!"

"Did not!"

"Did too!"

"Did not!"

"Did too! Look, it even left a bruise."

"That's just from banging your shin."

"On what?"

"Well, you kicked me first!"

"Ha! So you admit it."

"So?"

Just as Lyn and Katie quit their argument and became fast friends once more, another sprang up between the Stormwind twins. "Uncle Jack, Toby poured soda on my shirt."

Uncle Jack sighed and stared at his bottle of rum. He'd had to smuggle it in with him under his shirt. Smuggle! Rum. Into a party. It was just wrong. For a brief moment he considered pouring the rum over Sam's head to match the soda on his shirt, but quickly thought better of it. He drank it instead.

"It was an accident, I swear," Toby whined. The effect was rather spoiled by the wide grin he just couldn't conceal.

In the background, "The Song That Doesn't End" played a nice counterpoint to their childish squabbling.

Uncle Jack didn't dare look at the bounce house for fear that this time, it would tip over. The children—and they were still children, no matter that they were legally adults and married besides—inside were extremely boisterous. They tended to bounce right into the walls of the house, making it shake.

"Bouncy, bouncy, whee!"

Uncle Jack took another swallow of rum.

The song changed. "I am not trying to seduce you."

Five bodies squirmed out of the small tentflap entrance to the bounce house.

"When I dance they call me Macarena, and the boys say yo soy buena…"

Katie and Lyn quickly had everyone in lines and showed those who didn't know how to dance to the Macarena. Halfway through the song, Lyn decided to get creative, dancing a counterpoint to Jack. There was really nothing childish about the way they were dancing—except the way Lyn kept giggling like a schoolgirl.

Then the song was over, and it was back to whatever they'd been doing before. For Toby, this meant trying every type of soda—of which there were quite a lot, more than they'd be able to drink in a week. For Sam, this meant retaliating to his brother's latest prank by spraying Toby with silly string. Lyn, Katie, Jack, Trey, and Lisa squirmed back into the bounce house. Tom and his girlfriend, Kay Benaire, went back to attempting to work the make-your-own cotton candy machine. When they finally did figure out how to turn it on, they realized they'd filled it a bit too full when cotton candy sprayed everywhere. Beth Turner joined them, marveling at the cloudlike quality of the sugar.

Corwin Vespers arrived at the party just a bit late. From the looks of him and Bard Woggle, they hadn't been embracing their inner child so much as creating one.

"Hello, vampire," said Evan Faber the vampire hunter.

"Hello, Faber," Corwin replied.

"You look much better now that you've gotten rid of the sunscreen," Evan observed.

"Yes, well, it wouldn't do for vampires to find out how to go out during the day, now would it?" Corwin said pleasantly.

"Nope, if you could your kind would become damned hard to catch. Daywalkers are bad enough," Evan referred to those vampires who had been born with souls, thus having the ability to go out in the sun. "And they're usually nice."

Both Herald Lyndsay and Bard Woggle watched their respective lovers with some trepidation. They hadn't killed each other last time they met, but that didn't necessarily mean anything. One was a vampire and the other a vampire slayer, after all.

But Corwin and Evan seemed to be getting along just fine. A bit tense, maybe, but that was only to be expected.

"It's the Hokey Pokey! C'mon let's dance!" And everyone was back on the dance floor, this time in a circle. "You put your right foot in, you put your right foot out…"

Finally, it was time for the piñata. Uncle Jack, still in possession of his faculties but rather wobbly due to the rum he'd consumed, was put in charge of pulling on the string. Whack! And the bat hit the tree. Whistle! The bat clove only air. Whump! Yay, the piñata. Next! Spin, spin, spin. Whuffle.

"Oh, come on, you can do better than that."

Whang!

"Ow, blast you, that hurt."

"Yeah, well, you shouldn't have gotten in my way. I've got a blindfold on, it's not like I can see you."

Whump!

And this went on for quite some time, until finally the piñata broke open.

Immediately, everyone dove into a pile on top of the fallen piñata, grabbing for candy.

"Hey, that's my head you just elbowed."

"Yeah, well, that's my elbow you just headed."

"Watch it, vampire, I am not a meal."

"Oh, sorry, didn't realize that was you I was biting."

"You bite anyone here, I'll have to kill you."

"Even Sally?" Corwin's voice was full of disappointment.

"Okay, don't even go there. I so do not want to know what the two of you do in the dark."

"Everything I do is in the dark."

"Yes, of course."

"Alright everyone!" Katie announced, holding up a ten-inch butcher's knife. "I'm cutting the cake."

As the cake and soda disappeared, something else appeared.

Alcohol.

Lyn had brought it. She'd also added some choice songs to the end of the playlist.

So much for "Embrace Your Inner Child."

"Some men are attracted to a pair of big blue eyes. It takes a purty face to make their temperature rise. But looks aren't that important, just icing on the cake. What really turns me on is the shake."

Lyn emphasized the beginning of the song with an enthusiastic shake of her undersized bottom.

And then…

"Dum da da dum da da dum da da dum da da da da…" The beginning of "Save a Horse, Ride a Cowboy" wasn't met with the same cheers as it had been at Homecoming, but it still caused some excitement among those partiers still sober enough to recognize the song.

And then Bard Woggle began to sing along. Only she didn't exactly sing "Save a Horse, Ride a Cowboy." She sang the parody she'd learnt at an SCA meeting she just happened to attend: "Save a Boat, Ride a Viking."

Unfortunately, the author of this story does not know the lyrics to that particular song, so cannot include them for the reader's enjoyment.


It's true, I'm afraid. I've only heard of the song, never actually heard it. If anyone knows the lyrics (although I doubt any of my readers do), please include whatever you can remember in the review I just know you're going to leave.