Into the Vortex

Chapter 20

Paradox Cove

Rachel: Okay, Budweiser Clydesdale. What's it look like? And you want to know Murphy's story? Okay, I'll see about including it. I really like Murphy. Not sure how soon his story will appear, though. I think I'm going to be keeping it kinda hidden for another year. Maybe just until Christmas. I'll drop hints.

A/N (8/8/06): Cave punos. (Beware of puns.)

"What have we here?" Captain Jack Senior, Senior, frowned at the small cove obscured from most views by palm trees and rock formations. Suddenly his face split into a smile. The cove would be perfect for smuggling. Moreover, it had room enough for all four—no, three—ships. Where had Jonny gone? Probably back to the 18th century. No doubt with Norrington on his tail. That worthy hadn't appeared in quite a while, which could only mean he was nowhere in this time. He'd already shown that a hurricane wouldn't deter him; the Bermuda Triangle, while crazy, wasn't as bad as all that.

Regardless, all three ships could easily fit between the beach on one side and the cliff face on the other. That made it a perfect new base of operations. Uncle Jack hadn't been actively looking for a new base, but he kind of missed the Isla de Muerta, with its penchant for not being found. Too bad the island also had an Atlantis-like penchant for sinking into the ocean.

He thought back over how they had come to be here. Lyn, that damnably vexing girl who had somehow managed to ensnare his son, had come to him with, of all things, a treasure map. She said she'd found it in a Xanth novel, whatever that meant. The map she had showed only how to get to the island, which could only be found by those who weren't looking for it. Or those who'd already been there.

At this point one might ask how Uncle Jack and crew had found it, since the existence of the map meant they were obviously looking for the island. But the thing was, Lyn had said the map led to a port town like Tortuga. Only once the island was in sight did she admit that it was a treasure map, and that another map would lead them to the buried treasure.

Somewhere toward the aft of the ship, Jack Junior was trying to explain to Lyn that the second map, hidden somewhere on the island, would be as difficult to find as the treasure itself. Assuming the treasure existed. After all, what use did a pirate have for burying treasure? Real pirates spent gold as quickly as they earned it. "But it's part of Xanth," Lyn insisted loud enough for Uncle Jack to hear her. "Things are different there."

Uncle Jack steered the ship into the cove. "Paradox Cove," Lyn announced, staring at her map. She, her daughter Cari, Jack Junior, Kyra, Bard Woggle, Corwin, Uncle Jack, and Anamaria disembarked on one of the jolly boats. They met Aunt Sammy, Toby, Jenny, Sam, Becky, Katie, Trey, and Billy on the beach. The first thing they noticed was a strange cottage whose front face was in the shape of a female wolf. The sign above the door read "Bitchfront Cottage." Beside it was a small nut-shaped hut labeled the "Tiki Nut." There were various other strange dwellings as well.

An islander approached Trey. "If I am not mistaken, Santa Claus exists."

"Who's Santa Claus?" Trey asked.

"Remember last year? We played Santa Claus," Lyn said.

"Saint Nicholas," Katie added. "He gave gifts to poor people on Christmas. Now he's a jolly fellow with a bulbous nose who wears a red suit and gives gifts to children. He doesn't really exist."

"But if I'm not mistaken, he does exist," said the islander.

"Okay," said Lyn. "I'll agree with that. If you're not mistaken, Santa Claus exists."

"So you agree: what I said was correct."

"Sure."

"Then I am not mistaken."

"If you say so."

"If I am not mistaken, then Santa Claus exists. I am not mistaken. Therefore, Santa Claus exists."

Santa popped into existence, sweating and cursing. "How'd I get here?" he demanded. "I was just on the north pole!"

Katie, unfazed, proceeded to explain the problem with the logic that had brought him here. "Ah, but you see, you are mistaken. What you said at first was perfectly correct, but not all of your assumptions, notably Santa's existence, were correct. Therefore, you were mistaken."

Santa disappeared.

Aunt Sammy suddenly cried out. "Tobias! What the bloody hell are you doing here?"

Tobias Carter—Aunt Sammy's husband and the father of Toby and Sam—stumbled down the beach in a very tattered navy uniform. "Oh, thank goodness. Familiar faces."

"Well?" Aunt Sammy placed her hands on her hips. "I'm waiting for an explanation."

"There was a storm. Norrington was convinced you were the cause, and ordered us to sail through it. I was swept overboard, and wound up here."

"Pardon me for asking, but isn't that a navy uniform?" Becky asked.

"Aye," Sam replied.

"So are we going to take him prisoner?"

"No, love. That's me dad." He raised his voice. "Dad! Toby an' I would like ye to meet our new brides. This is Becky an' that's Jenny. Girls, meet our father, Captain Tobias Carter o' the Royal Navy."

"I guess I don't need to ask why I wasn't invited to the wedding," Tobias said as he bowed to the ladies.

"The invitation got lost in the mail," Toby replied.

"Of course it did."

"So where's Norrington now?" Uncle Jack asked. "I haven't seen 'im in a while, an' I'm gettin' a bit edgy."

"I don't know, Jack. Be edgy for a while longer. It might do you some good."

"I never did like him," Uncle Jack remarked to Aunt Sammy.

Aunt Sammy rolled her eyes. "Yes, I know."

It wasn't long before they were approached by another islander. "I can prove that one equals negative one," he announced.

Katie pierced him with a look. "Very well. Go ahead."

Tobias covered his ears and hummed.

Writing in the sand, the islander explained, "Start with negative one equals negative one. Convert each side into vulgar fractions, leaving -1/1 1/-1. Apply square root to each side, giving you sqrt -1/1 sqrt 1/-1. The square root of a fraction equals the square root of the numerator divided by the square root of the denominator, so sqrt(-1)/sqrt(1) sqrt(1)/sqrt(-1). Cross multiplication gives you sqrt(-1) times sqrt(-1) sqrt(1) times sqrt(1). Combine the factors to get negative one equals one."

Lyn cocked her head. "There's a flaw in there somewhere, but I can't see it. I'll have to remember that one."

Katie, as always, had to spoil the fun. "The principle that the square root of x over y equals the square root of x over the square root of y is only applicable when y is a positive number. Thus, your proof is invalid."

"Oh, go suck a lemon," Lyn told her.

Katie smiled briefly, recognizing the reference. "Unlike Dr. McKay, I am not violently allergic to citrus."

"Well, fine! In that case, go kiss a shark."

"I can probe that two equals one," another islander, this one female, announced.

Both Lyn and Katie rolled their eyes. Together, they said, "So can I."

"One two three four five six seven eight nine ten jinx," Lyn said.

"I am a jinx," Katie replied.

Lyn stuck out her tongue at her evil twin.

The islander, ignoring the two girls, proceeded to prove that one equaled two. "Let a equal b. Both of them non-zero."

Uncle Jack groaned and clutched his head. Toby paid rapt attention.

"Multiply both sides by a, so you get a squared equals ab. Subtract b squared, and factor. This gives you (a – b)(a + b) b(a – b). Divide by (a – b)—"

"Which is zero," Katie interrupted.

The islander glared at her. "—which leaves a + b b. Since a b, you can substitute a for b, obtaining the result b + b b, or 2b b. Divide by nonzero quantity b to get two equals one."

Katie rolled her eyes. "Or you could subtract b from both sides to get a 0, thus proving that all numbers are equal to zero."

Suddenly, all the islanders disappeared.

Lyn looked at Katie. "Did you do that?"

"Must have."

They continued up the beach until they found a hotel. Well, two hotels, really. Both had an infinite number of rooms, and both were full. Toby, always the prankster, conjured up a tornado that destroyed one of the hotels, leaving an infinite number of people without rooms.

The people panicked. What would they do now? There certainly wasn't enough room for them elsewhere on the island.

Of all people, Katie came to the rescue. "I know this paradox, too," she explained. "All you have to do is move everyone in the other hotel to the room that is two times their current room number. That will leave an infinite number of odd rooms available."

The pirates continued on their way, only to run into a posse straight out of the Wild West, complete with smoking six-guns. They surrounded the pirates and escorted them to an old jail.

Kyra frowned at the rusty bars. "They're not shiny."

"No, they're not," Katie agreed absently. She and the others were busy trying to find a weakness in the bars.

"Hey!" Lyn yelled at the guard. "I demand to know what our crime is!"

"Better to ask what it wasn't," Trey commented.

"I demand a lawyer!" Lyn continued. "I have a right to legal counsel, no matter what my crime. Gideon vs. Wainwright—what year was that?"

"Nineteen sixty-three," Katie replied. "While she's busy making demands, let me add one of my own. Sixth amendment right to a fair and speedy trial."

"Isn't the right to know the accusation part of the sixth amendment, too?" Lyn asked.

"That's right."

"Well?" Lyn demanded of the guard. "What's our crime?"

"Horse theft," the guard replied.

"Horse theft? But wait, we haven't stolen any horses. I mean, not in over a year. And they already put us on trial for that."

"You've been accused of horse theft, and you're to hang next week. Judge's orders."

"But we haven't been in front of a judge!"

The guard ignored the protest. "What's more, the exact day of your hanging will be a surprise."

Kyra frowned. "But that's impossible. See, we can't be hanged on Friday—"

Katie clapped her hand over the girl's mouth. "Obviously, we're to be hanged on Monday. Gives us less time to figure out the judge's psychology and guess which day he'll choose to hang us."

Since Katie was the resident genius, the others believed her. They were quite surprised when they weren't hanged on Monday. Except for Lyn. She just shrugged. "Well, obviously, rare as such an occurrence is, Katie was wrong. I think we'll be hanged tomorrow. See, Tuesday is the most random day of the week. Monday is the beginning, Wednesday is the middle, and Thursday and Friday are the end. The judge would want to choose the most random day, so he'll be most likely to surprise us." When no one else was watching, she and Katie exchanged a wink.

Tuesday came and went without incident. Uncle Jack spent the entire day trying to pick the lock with various implements from Katie's pocketknife, which was the only weapon they had left among them.

"These ladies aren't looking at it right," Corwin said. "I've heard this paradox before. The prisoner's supposed to convince himself he can't be hanged because it won't be a surprise, then they come for him on Wednesday. We're in a place full of paradoxes; they're going to try to hang us tomorrow."

He was right. The very next day, the posse came to escort the very unsurprised pirates to the gallows. Lyn protested. "But we're not surprised." Well, she'd been surprised. A little. So had Katie, but she'd just put on her Killer expression to hide it. "The sentence was that we were to be treated to a surprise hanging." So they had to escort them back to the jail. Only, now that the paradox had been beaten, the posse, jail, and gallows all disintegrated.

"I think it's time to get out of here before we lose what little sanity we have left," Corwin suggested.

Lyn and Kyra exchanged a glance. "That would be a bad thing?"

Uncle Jack sighed. "Aye, it would. The vampire's right. Let's leave. However, we'll be back."

Just a few puns, for any Xanth fans in the audience. From my hallway in Duke TIP 2002, Paradise Cove. I lived in a room called the Beachfront Cottage, another room was called the Tiki Hut, etc.