For notes, warnings and disclaimers see chapter 1
Chapter
4: Whose Life Is It Anyway?
(Sam's POV)
The good news is that so far Daniel hasn't really said anything about what happened earlier today... the bad news is that he is not even trying to disguise the fact that he is waiting for me to bring it up and if there's one thing I've learned the hard way in these past three weeks it is precisely how determined he can be.
The problem is that I don't know what to say, in fact I'm not even sure what I think. I do remember, however, being invaded by Narim's feelings for me. That was totally unexpected and more than a little overwhelming but at the same time it was nowhere near as scary as I was expecting it to be... or rather it was nowhere near as terrifying as I would have expected it to be if I had ever imagined that I was about to get to experience his feelings for me first hand. There is no denying, however, that it was the element of surprise that kept me from bolting. Luckily while his device had recorded his feelings for me, it hadn't recorded mine. That would have been worse, much worse... just like my current predicament would have been much worse if the one walking in on us had been Janet instead of Daniel.
That little reprieve has bought me a bit of time but nowhere near as much as I would have liked. After all, I've been dealing with them long enough to know that if I don't talk to Daniel 'voluntarily', sooner rather than later he will ask Janet for advice. That is the risk I can't afford to take because if her little stunt with that movie a few days ago taught me anything it is that Janet is not afraid to push it... not that I was expecting her to be. Besides, this is exactly what she was talking about back then and I really don't want to revisit that particular conversation.
In other words my choices are talk to Daniel now or talk to Janet later... and at least with Daniel I am fairly certain that he will not push past a certain point. That makes him the lesser evil, though that doesn't mean I'm looking forward to it, far from it.
Besides, the fact that I do realize that I'm going to have no choice but to talk to Daniel doesn't mean that my original problem is about to magically disappear, nor does it mean that I suddenly know what am I supposed to say to him about any of this. I know I can trust him, that is not the problem, the problem is that there are some things I feel are personal, some things I don't feel comfortable sharing. Unfortunately I have several well-meaning friends who don't seem to realize that.
That is another subject I'm going to have to bring up sooner or later. I think they will understand, or at least I hope they will, but at the same time I don't want to sound ungrateful. They have been great in these past few weeks and I certainly don't want Daniel to feel rejected but it is my life and I'm not a child. I don't need to have someone second-guessing my every action. That is the part they tend to forget sometimes in their attempt to fix what's not broken... or at least what I don't think is broken.
The problem is that that isn't always quite so easy to tell and sometimes I can't help but wonder if the others are seeing something I'm not.
I know that for the most part I am doing fairly well. I can function and I don't have any major problems. Sure, there is the odd nightmare every now and then but I don't want to blow that out of proportion... and I also know that, with or without nightmares, I have to move on with my life. The thing is that, just like Janet told me, the first eighty percent is easy enough to overcome, the real problem is that final twenty percent... and to make matters worse there's also the fact that reliable references are hard to come by because in that regard the past just won't do.
Sure, wanting to go back to the way things were sounds logical enough but it is not realistic. I can't go back to where I was. What I have to do is to figure out a way to get from where I am to where I'm going and the bottom line is that life would be so much easier if it came with a roadmap.
What happened on Simarka happened. I can't deny it. It is a part of my past and it will always be a part of my past. Whether I like it or not, it will always be there and I have already come to terms with that fact. The question is what am I supposed to do going forward... that's the part I sometimes fear is getting lost in the shuffle, especially because everyone seems to be determined to focus on the past.
The problem is that I know things can never go back to the way they were before that mission, just like they never went back to the way they were before my mom died in that accident. In fact even less relevant events, such as my relationship with Jonas, have left their mark. That is what makes this whole thing so tricky.
Of course, another question I'm going to have to deal with is whether or not what happened earlier today with Narim qualifies as going forward at all.
It wasn't a step back, that is for sure, and in a way it did kind of address one of Janet's concerns so that was probably a good thing. If nothing else at least it is one more hurdle I can honestly say is behind me. Unfortunately, even though I'm confident that it wasn't a step back, that does not necessarily mean it was a step forward and in that regard I suspect it may well have been a side step more than anything else.
It was a surprise but, even as it was happening I knew it was never going to be more than a kiss, something I admit made the whole thing easier for me to handle. I could respond confident that the kiss was not going to be followed by anything else, that that was as far as things would ever go between us. That is not a safety net I'm ever likely to find again... and there was also something about Narim that made it easy for me to trust him.
I think it had something to do with the way in which he carried himself. There was no trace of a warrior or a soldier in him and that was deeply reassuring. In fact there wasn't even an attempt to establish some sort of dominance when he kissed me. In that regard he was the total opposite from Turghan... or most men here on earth for that matter.
Of course, that doesn't mean that --even if we could somehow remove all the obstacles that stand between us-- I could possibly picture myself being in a real relationship with him. I can't, though I'm not sure whether that is a consequence of what happened on Simarka or if it is just that Narim isn't really my type.
Sure, he is nice enough but I'm not sure we could ever connect on that level, not really... besides, I have to admit that --even though there was nothing threatening in his behavior-- the way he kept looking at me whenever we were together did make me more than a little nervous.
