For notes, warnings and disclaimers see chapter 1

Chapter 7: The Meaningful Meaning of Meaningless
(Daniel's POV)

I can almost see Sam steeling herself and I realize that she's finally made up her mind to stop beating around the bush. That is most definitely a good thing, though I'm not denying that trying to figure out the Tollan's perspective has been fun... especially because for me the Tollan represent something I never thought I would have: an opportunity to study a human civilization with roots that are not so much in our past as in our possible future. Still, there will be time for that later.

"So, are you ready to talk about it?" I ask.

"Sort of."

"What is it?"

"It's just that I'm really glad the whole thing is behind me. I know it sounds silly but I feel like it's one more item I can cross off my mental check list, my first kiss after what happened with Turghan, but at the same time I don't really know what it means or even whether or not it means anything. It's like... I don't know," she says, shaking her head in frustration and this time around I really can't help her because I'm not sure I understand what she's trying to say either.

"I'm afraid I'm not following you," I admit.

"The kiss, it didn't mean anything. Yes, I wasn't scared or anything like that and that was a major relief but other than that..." she trails off again.

"Other than that it was just a kiss?"

"Pretty much. As I said, I know it's silly but there was no real emotion behind it, not on my part anyway."

"So we don't have to worry about the possibility of you giving up your place in SG-1 to follow Narim to the other end of the galaxy... literally?" I ask, trying to keep the mood light.

"No, that is definitely not something you should be worried about."

"Good, so let me ask you something. If Simarka hadn't happened, would you have handled things differently, would that have changed anything in the way you dealt with Narim?"

"Not really, at least not this time around," she says.

"Well, then I have to say that that is definitely a big step forward."

"What do you mean?"

"I mean that Simarka is no longer controlling everything you do and that's a good thing," I point out.

"I guess, though I hadn't really thought about it in those terms. It's just that I've been trying so hard to hold on to my life these past few months, to keep it from spinning totally out of control, that..."

"That to realize that you don't have to hold on because your life is not going anywhere no matter what you do comes as a bit of a shock?" I finish for her.

"Something like that... though it's not that simple."

"Why not?"

"Because in a way I don't feel like I'm ready. It's like I can function for the most part and I can be me so I don't have to be on guard 24/7 but at the same time I'm afraid to let my guard down because I don't know what's going to trigger a memory when I can least afford it and that's driving me crazy."'

"Okay, that I think I understand."

"You do?" asks Sam, sounding rather surprised.

"Well, sort of. I mean, I know it's not the exact same thing but I was pretty young when my parents died and I remember that it came a time when the accident was no longer the only, or even the foremost, thing on my mind but at the same time I still couldn't make it through the day without having something remind me of it... and I also remember how scary that was because I couldn't control it, because I didn't know when it was going to happen. In a way it felt worse --more overwhelming-- then than it had been at the beginning when the memories hadn't been unexpected."

"That's part of it, I guess, but there is also a sense of frustration because just as soon as I start allowing myself to believe that things are going back to normal I'm pushed back and reminded that that will never really happen, that one way or another Simarka will be with me until the day I die," she says, letting out a sigh.

"But your first kiss AT wasn't so bad?" I ask, trying to keep things in perspective.

"AT?"

"'After Turghan'... or we could go with AS for 'After Simarka'," I joke, in an attempt to keep the mood from turning morbid.

"Yeah, it wasn't so bad. In fact in a way it almost turned out to be a disappointment... though I'm not sure that's the right word for it. I mean, I'm not wishing it would have met my expectations because those were pretty scary but at the same time the truth is that I had built the whole thing into this huge milestone in my mind, into this hurdle I had to overcome somehow and then..."

"And then in the end it turned out to be just a kiss?" I ask, knowing better than to point out the fact that the word she is looking for is probably 'anticlimactic'.

"Exactly. I know it sounds silly but..."

"But after months of building it up in your mind the whole thing felt almost disappointingly normal?"

"Something like that. I don't know. I guess that, as stupid as it sounds, on a certain level I had almost managed to convince myself that once that first kiss was behind me I would be able to look at myself in the mirror and say 'there, it's all over with, life can go back to normal now' but now that it's finally happened I am being confronted with the fact that it wasn't that simple. That kiss made me realize that I really didn't feel any different or any better than I did before. It made me realize that the memories were still there in spite of everything and were most definitely not going anywhere. That was something I already knew on a rational level, of course, but I really couldn't help it. So I guess in the end you could say that the whole thing boils down to my own stupidity."

"Your own stupidity?" I repeat, not liking where this is going in the least.

"Well, yes. After all, I was the one who had managed to convince herself that being able to kiss someone without panicking would mean it was all over. I was the one who thought it would be something that would enable me to honestly say that the whole thing was behind me."

"Actually, Sam, I think that's called being human, not being stupid," I point out.

"It is being stupid when you know better. Of course, I admit that the whole thing with Janet probably contributed to building up my expectations in that regard."

"What thing with Janet?" I ask, trying to figure out what she means by that.

"She was pushing me to get back on the dating bandwagon the other day... in fact she was pretty adamant about it. I hadn't really given it much thought up until then, to tell you the truth," she explains.

"You didn't say anything."

"It's just that it didn't seem like a big deal, at least not at the time, but I haven't been able to get the idea out of my head since then and I think that contributed to making it seem like a big deal."

"And now that kiss is behind you."

"Yes, and I'm trying to come to terms with the fact that that kiss is not only behind me but that it also turned out to be meaningless."

"I think you are being too hard on yourself."

"Don't coddle me, Daniel," she growls and I realize that maybe that wasn't the best way for me to phrase that.

"I'm not, I'm just saying that it was another step forward and as such it was far from meaningless... even if it was nowhere near as meaningful as you would have liked it to be," I explain, wondering if maybe I should be ducking for cover just about now.