For notes, warnings and disclaimers see chapter 1
Chapter
8: The Long and Winding Road
(Sam's POV)
Okay, I freely admit that this is one of those instances in which I'm sorely tempted to strangle Daniel, just on the general principle. Sure, he's a great guy but I'm not used to having my every word dissected and analyzed to such an extent and that can be more than a little frustrating. Of course, in a way I also know that that's to be expected seeing how he's a linguist but that does nothing to change the fact that I'm used to formulas, equations, variables and numbers. That is my world and that's what causes me to feel at times like I'm totally out of my depth when talking to him... especially when he lets his inner linguist show.
The problem is that I'm not used to thinking of something as basic as speech as being a science. For me it's something I've been doing ever since I can remember, something I've always taken for granted, and at times it is hard for me to remember that that's not how he sees it, that for him words are so much more than that... and he's good with them, frighteningly good.
Of course, to make matters worse, words are not the only problem here. Others that are far more relevant are the ones having to do with the way in which he just doesn't miss or forget anything, to say nothing of the way in which he can connect the dots months after the facts. That is one lesson I learned the hard way when he figured out what had happened on Simarka. He certainly didn't need words then. He did that just by watching me sleep when he barely knew me, and that is more than a little disturbing.
In fact that is the reason why I sometimes find myself feeling almost wary around him: because I don't know what I may be letting slip, what he may be picking up on. To me words and gestures have always been just words and gestures, they allow me to say what I want to say --to convey my meaning-- but for him they are so much more than that. For Daniel words are his weapon of choice and that is what makes him so dangerous.
The thing is that, even though I'm not really keeping anything from him --at least not right now-- he still has that determined look on his face and this is not one battle I'm in the mood to fight. I don't want to spend two hours debating whether that kiss was meaningful, meaningless or something in between. As far as I'm concerned it just was... and yes, that's was, as in past tense, as in it's over and done with.
Of course, I have to admit that things haven't been all bad here and Daniel does have a point when he says that the fact that the way in which I handled Narim wasn't influenced by Turghan was a good thing. In fact that is something I hadn't even considered, but at the same time I have to say that that was not the most important element of this whole experience, not to me.
In fact in a way I think that is precisely the part Daniel is missing, the one that says that this was never just about me, that it wasn't even mostly about me. Sure, I'm not denying that being able to kiss Narim was a big step forward --that would be foolish-- but to me the most important thing happened long before that, when General Hammond asked me to talk to him in the first place.
I know that sounds almost irrelevant by comparison but it isn't.
I am well aware that having me talk to him wasn't the general's first choice, of course, and I also know he only did it because it was the only opening he could see and he had the higher ups breathing hard down his neck but the bottom line is that he did it. He did it in spite of the fact that he must have been aware of the nature of Narim's interest in me. That is definitely a good thing, especially because for weeks I had been wondering if he'd ever allow me to set foot within a hundred miles of a male alien --other than Teal'c-- without an escort of marines armed to the teeth.
In other words, the good news is that --even though I still bristle at the thought of being asked to use my 'womanly charms' to get information-- at least in that regard things seem to be going slowly back to normal and that is almost more than I had dared to hope for when the truth about Simarka first came out. In fact for a while there I was worried that the general was determined to 'keep me safe', especially because I am all too aware of just how unreasonable that would have been considering what we do, considering the fact that I'm supposed to be a soldier.
Of course, it's not just the general that seems to be all but resigned to the fact that one way or another I intend to keep doing my job and living my life. The colonel too seems to be coming along nicely in that regard... though that doesn't mean he wasn't glaring at Narim with everything he had. Luckily it seems like all that male posturing was totally alien to the Tollan so Narim never really picked up on the colonel's hostility though I can't help but worry about what our next mission is going to bring... and about whether or not all that posturing is going to end up getting my CO killed.
That is most definitely a concern. After all I am well aware that our trip to Tollan was a milk run but that won't necessarily be the case the next time around. I know that sooner or later the general is going to have no choice but to give us a real mission, one in which it won't be possible for the guys to keep obsessing over my safety, and that is going to be the real test, the one that will determine whether or not we can really hope to get over this... whether or not we can go back to being the team we used to be before Daniel started digging and asking questions about things that weren't any of his business because in the end that is what this whole thing boils down to.
Yes, I do realize that the fact that I wouldn't have handled the encounter with Narim any differently if Simarka hadn't happened is a big step forward but at the same time I am also well aware that Daniel not finding out about it wouldn't have changed anything either. Sure, knowing that I can trust my team, that I don't have to keep what happened a secret has been a huge relief but the bottom line is that it hasn't made that much of a difference, at least not when it comes to how I feel about any of this.
That is one of the things that have made these past few weeks so frustrating: the fact that even though I have been the focus of their attention --whether I want to or not-- the whole thing has been about them coming to terms with what happened to me, not about me.
I know that sounds incredibly selfish but that is mostly because I'm not sure of how to phrase it. It's not so much that I expected it to be about me but rather that the guys were convinced that it was and that definitely contributed to making these past three weeks so confusing. I'm doing fine but they are determined to help me... and the truth is that I don't need that help, though I can't quite bring myself to tell them that.
What I need, what I miss the most is the easy camaraderie we used to share, the trust. That is the part of my life I am itching to get back now, the one I didn't lose so much to Turghan as to Daniel's revelation... and that is the part I'm still not sure I'll ever be able to reclaim.
In a way that is ironic. Yes, things are still far from normal for me and I know I still have a hard road ahead of me but that is not the part I'm worried about. I could live all my life without going on another date or kissing another guy, but to live my whole life without being trusted by my teammates and without being able to set foot on another planet? That's the prospect I find to be utterly terrifying. I love what I do. I've finally managed to find a place where I belong, where I can be both a scientist and a soldier, where I can see and experience things I never thought possible, but in order to be able to keep doing that I must first regain my team's trust and --even though things are definitely going better in that regard-- I know we still have a very long way to go.
Author's notes: Hi guys, okay, that's it for What Passes for Normal and that means that there's just one more ficlet to go in this universe. I wanted to take this opportunity to thank you for sticking with me, especially because I know that this series has been going on for way too long. Hopefully I'll be able to get the first chapter of the final story posted next week (yes, for once I think I have enough of a head start to do that without leaving a week in between).
Finally there's also the matter of credit where credit is due: the title for this particular chapter was borrowed from the Beatles (in case anyone didn't know that).
Once again, thanks for sticking with me, I really appreciate it,
Alec
