authorsnote: this chapter broke me a lil ;-;

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songrecs: lose you to love me - selena gomez


She shouldn't have walked out.

Here her courtesies have been her armour, her shield in Kings Landing. A polite nod, a kind but closed off smile, a curtsey deep and low, pretty words with no substance. They had protected her, kept her safe and unseen, they were her armour, her shield, her cloak to keep her invisible.

But now she'd forgotten them. She should have stayed, head down, silent. She should have kept them with her; she was back in the snake pit, regardless of who ruled it and she should have remembered that, it was foolish not to remember that.

Instead, she had flounced out, expression wooden, hands screwed into fists hidden under her cloak. She had forgotten herself, which was not okay, not in this place, not with these people.

Aegon may be charming, kind and she may have faith in him as King, but this was still Kings Landing, this was still the game of thrones, and she should have remembered that. She should remember just because the Lannisters had been ousted didn't make the Capitol safe, it was just as deadly, just as dangerous, and she'd be a fool to forget that.

This was not her home, this was not somewhere she could let her guard down or just be Sansa Stark with no airs, graces, or walls, this was not somewhere she should get comfortable. And yet, when Aegon had asked her…

'I wish you did not have to go'

'I know you can't stay though'

'Can't I?'

She was getting caught.

It was a dangerous game, and one she should recuse herself from. She had no business being involved with another King, no business potentially tying herself to the South. Her home was Winterfell, in the snows of the North, far away from the place that had been like one of the seven hells to her, far away from where she'd never felt such misery.

And so why had she allowed Aegon to draw her in? Wasn't she passed all of that? Falling for a handsome smile, a pretty face, and charming words? Apparently not.

Or perhaps it was because coming from Aegon it seemed like something more.

There was something there, beneath the surface, something genuine. She didn't know him well enough to know his full personality, but she could sense something akin to Northern honour, perhaps without so many hang ups, but she could see it. She could see something in him that was true, that was real, and that was what she knew she was drawn to.

There were plenty of handsome men, plenty of men with a charming smile and nice words, but few had something deeper beneath the surface, few had something more.

Did Aegon have something more? She thought so.

And yet, did it matter?

She didn't belong here.

For years she'd been on the run, a prisoner in the South, Kings Landing, and then a prisoner in the Vale. She remembered night after night, first in the tower of the Red Keep and then second hiding in the Eyrie, promising herself, over and over, if she were to ever be free again there would be only one place she would go, and it would be Winterfell.

She remembered creating the castle of ice and snow on the grounds of the Vale, crafting it with numb fingers to be a replica of the home she missed. She remembered the fierce ache and longing in her chest for the real thing, even if just to see it again, never mind step inside.

Even when she had been Alayne, trapped as a bastard girl, she'd had flashes and thoughts of Winterfell, of Sansa Starks home, and how sweet it would be to see it again.

'A pure world. I do not belong here. Yet she stepped out all the same... She could feel the snow on her lashes, taste it on her lips. It was the taste of Winterfell. The taste of innocence. The taste of dreams...'

And now, now she was suggesting to herself about turning back on that, turning back on the place she'd hungered for, for a place she'd fled in the night like a criminal.

This wasn't her home, and so why had she even suggested staying?

She knew why.

And yet was it enough? Was the charming and just Aegon Targaryen enough? Was his desire to rule but his promise to do so fairly? And was he enough to keep her here?

They'd had moments, fleeting moments, but moments where she felt as though he'd stolen her heart from her chest but was that enough to put herself back in the game, and not as a pawn this time.

Queen.

That was what staying with Aegon Targaryen meant, that was what staying in Kings Landing meant, and it meant not being a pawn, it meant not being a meek stand along to the side, it meant being a player, a significant player, and was that a commitment she could make?

She near laughed at herself; they'd had just moments, moments, and nothing more! And yet she knew how quickly things could snowball, knew how quickly things could move.

'I'd be Queen someday'

'I will remember, if I am ever a Queen, I'll make them love me'

That had been her future once, could it be again?

Her head felt like it might catch fire, burn hot and burn fast, muddling her thoughts, her mind, maybe even erasing it. Part of her felt such an urge to flee North it threatened to give her a lashing as she ran, part of her wanted to see Aegon smile at her again, brush his fingertips over her face and hold her close.

Part of her heard 'Queen' and wanted to recoil, part of her heard the word and wanted to step forward, almost as though the presence of Littlefinger was at her back nudging her forward, urging her on, the crown ready to rest on her head.

What did she do?

What did she want?

She was getting ahead of herself, but she knew the importance of being prepared, especially in the game they all played, one she'd vowed to leave but was being drawn back into.

If only she knew what to be prepared for.

But then the door burst open, and she didn't have to turn to know who it was.


"Sansa" Her name even sounded nice on his lips, made her want to turn around, to go to him, to maybe even stumble into his embrace and seek comfort, and yet she turned, but nothing more.

They were alone here, just the two of them, as court remained inside, and they were obscured, and yet she didn't step forward, couldn't step forward.

Her mind was a mess, a tangle so complex she felt she couldn't unpick it if she tried. She knew the people inside would be gossiping, to see her storm out in the face of the former Queen Cersei, and now with Aegon? The King, she reminded herself sternly, following, it only made it worse.

'"This whore?, have you already crawled into another Kings bed?"

Cersei had painted her as a schemer, was that what people would think of her? Was she?

But then her gaze met his, her blue to his purple, and she did feel something inside of her ease, something that pushed the tension from her shoulders, like she could breathe again.

This was all going too fast, too soon, too intense, like she was swept up in a great wave that had yet to crash. Would it crash? Would she be around for when it did?

"Your Grace" She dipped in a curtsey, to her foolishness she'd forgotten her manners, the courtesies that had protected her once and would have too again. She had to bring them back to her, like gathering ice and steel to form that wall again, the wall that had kept her safe.

Would that be her life if she stayed in Kings Landing? Always hiding behind the wall?

Or would Aegon coax her out? Did she want him too?

"Sansa" Aegon said, his tone kind, like the rest of him, part of what drew her in, made her want to step closer, but she resisted … just. "It's okay"

"Its not" She responded on instinct rather than thinking it through, her cheeks flamed, he did that to her, made her forget herself, made her not think. She could just imagine Littlefinger scolding her, calling her foolish, a little girl trusting in a handsome King once more. Forget herself again to her peril.

"It is" He said again and he stepped forward, Sansa stepped back, she didn't want to but her body hadn't betrayed her yet and forced her too, she was losing control of this, like a situation spiralling away from her, she needed to claw it back, claw back her wall.

She just managed to shake her head, take another step back. She wanted to scream, to yell, to cry, only pure effort kept her from doing so, kept her hand screwed into fists at her side, nails digging into her gentle flesh, her teeth biting into her bottom lip hard enough to draw blood, the taste metallic and with a tang on her tongue.

"I can't do this" Again it burst from her; honesty, something she'd been advised against, especially if she stayed here.

'We're all liars here'

As Alayne she'd tried not to be the girl Sansa Stark had become, a liar, a player, a part of the game, she had promised herself if she ever got free to go home, to be the Sansa Stark of hold, of Winterfell, of honour, integrity, justice, she couldn't do that here.

Perhaps she needed to be honest to go, even though she felt a desperate tug in her bones, in her heart, to stay.

"I can't" She shook her head then, tears threatened but she forced them down, she knew she was moments from crumbling, and had to say this, had to do this, now. "I can't stay here, with all of these people, the people who watched me tormented, who did nothing, who will keep playing the game" Another shake of her head, a tear escaped, like a traitor trickling down her cheek, she let it go, more would come, "I can't, I can't be pulled in"

"Sansa I-" Aegon began but again a shake of her head, like in a furious denial and she was.

She barely knew Aegon, knew he seemed good and kind, had shared a kiss that felt like magic but nothing more, and yet she wanted more, wanted to know him more, wanted to feel his embrace, wanted to walk with him in the gardens and hold his arm. She did want that, naïve as it may be, but could she have that?

If it meant staying here? Meant playing the game and facing those who'd see her gone? If it meant facing the schemers and players?

If it meant never going home?

More tears fell.

"I…" She stumbled, but forged ahead, even as Aegon stepped forward again, worry etched clear across her face, she raised her hands, as though to fend him off, but didn't step back, she didn't have the strength, not as her face crumpled, tears fresh on her cheeks now. "I can't" Shaking her head furiously, as though desperate to believe it, she was, she did, did she?

"They won't want me here, I don't know if I want to be here" Her head felt like it might explode, crash and burn into the river, maybe it would be easier that way, "I don't know if I can live here again, not after last time, not after what came of me here, I barely lived through it"

She knew she wasn't letting him get a word in, but she felt if she stopped talking, she'd never be able to say what she needed to, never be able to vocalise just what she needed him to hear. She was making the words up as she went along, them spilling from her, more truth than she'd said in years.

It had been so long since she'd committed to the truth, and she knew it was dangerous, and yet she trusted Aegon, to the gods knows why with her limited interactions with him but she did, truly, and so he got the truth, few did, but he did.

"I can't play the game again" She said, her gaze finally meeting Aegon's, her eyes blue, filled with tears, Aegon's purple and so kind, drawing her in. He took another step forward, but no step back from her, she held her ground, should run, should flee, but stayed still, wanted to step forward, but Aegon did for her, within touching distance.

"You don't have to" Aegon offered and she shook her head, she could see something in his gaze, that he knew the truth, but wouldn't speak it.

"I would, if I stayed here" She whispered then, dropping her voice, her urge to cry clouding her voice.

"With me" Aegon whispered too, gentle, "Stayed here with me"

"I…" She began, but then Aegon cut her off.

Not with words, no, he took a step forward, and without asking, without pausing, perhaps knowing she'd flee, he pulled her swiftly into his arms, immediate and quick, into the strength of his embrace, the surety of him, his arms strong around her, holding her up, keeping her steady.

And she crumpled.

A sob wretched from her lips, and then another and another, tears pouring down her face now, as she wept, wept for her home, wept for what had been done to her, and wept for what she wanted to do, but wasn't sure she could. Aegon never faulted, never let her fall, held her up, by her side.

She trusted him completely, wished she could trust herself too, trust herself enough to be here with him, in the snake pit, among the vipers and assassins, trust herself not to fail, not to fall apart, not to crumple as she was now, to stand strong, she wished she did.

…but she also wished she could trust herself on something far more important, trust herself not to be corrupted, as Petyr had begun to do, to not grow cold and distant inside as she had began to when she'd last been here, wished she could promise herself she wouldn't play the game…

And win.


sooo thoughts?

my poor bby sansa, so many worries, but aegon offers reassurances ... which will win?

do lemme know your thoughts

speak soon