Chapter 5

"Sorry I wasn't here," Wilson said, motioning to a seat in front of his desk. "What was all that about with House?"

"He followed me down here to wind me up, I think," Nicky explained. "He thought you were trying to poach me." She smiled and Wilson smiled back.

"You could work for me you know," Wilson said, his thoughts drifting.

"But then you couldn't be my Oncologist," Nicky said, bringing him back. "Right now, I think I need you to be that rather than my boss."

The smile slid from his face and Nicky saw it was bad news.

"I rushed the mammogram through as a favour to you," Wilson said, "But I'm afraid it's not good news."

Nicky took a sharp intake of breath, she felt as though a bucket of icy water had just been thrown over her.

"How aggressive?" she asked.

"I don't know that yet," Wilson replied. "I want to do a biopsy and run some more tests, although I'm pretty sure that it's contained in your right breast. We've picked it up much earlier this time, so your chances of keeping it are very good."

"Okay, when do you want me in?" Nicky asked. She sounded calm, but her face betrayed how she was really feeling.

"I'm scheduling the biopsy for tomorrow."

"That soon?"

"I think it's best under the circumstances, Nicky," Wilson said. He got up and walked around the desk and touched her shoulder, "I'm really sorry I couldn't have given you better news."

He could see tears welling up but she was fighting them back.

"See you in the morning then," Nicky whispered eventually.

Nicky didn't remember driving home, her head was fit to explode by the time she opened the door to her apartment. She felt so unclean, this alien was growing inside her body again. Why didn't it just fuck off and die?

She idly sat on the edge of the bathtub as it filled with warm water, the memories were still fresh from the last battle. She added bubbles and watched as they grew and popped. The sick feeling in the pit of her stomach had grown to nausea and she retched as she hunched herself over the toilet bowl. She started to cry, the enormity of the news finally reaching the surface, big racking sobs escaped and she grabbed some toilet paper to wipe her eyes and blow her nose. Every time she felt she'd got it under control, another wave hit her and she'd break down all over again.

She didn't know how long she'd sat there in silence since she'd turned the taps off as the water threatened to spill over, but a sharp rap at the door disturbed her. She mechanically got up to answer it and House was standing on her doorstep.

"You stood…" he broke off as he looked at her red eyes and tear stained face. "What's happened?"

Nicky opened the door wider to let him through, he noticed that she looked worn out and beaten. She pulled her robe closer around her as she shut the door quietly behind him.

"I'm sorry," Nicky whispered, "I forgot."

She wouldn't take her eyes off the floor, so House tilted her chin up gently, so that she had to look at him.

"Nicky, what's happened?" he asked again quietly. He led her to the sofa and pulled her down with him.

"It's come back," was all she said as she stared into space.

"The cancer?" He was almost too afraid to say it.

Nicky nodded her head slowly.

"Where is it?"

"In my breast."

"The chances are good," House said, but he knew she'd been here before, he felt it.

Nicky nodded her head again.

He took her hand and she dissolved into tears. He pulled her into his arms, trying to calm her whispering that it was going to be all right, he was here. He rocked her slowly, his hands gently rubbing her back.

Eventually she calmed down, "I'm sorry," she said. "Maybe it's best if I'm alone right now."

House shook his head he wasn't going anywhere, he wasn't leaving her in this state.

"What did Wilson say?" he probed gently.

"He did a routine mammogram yesterday and rushed it through as a favour, although I didn't ask him," she added quickly, thinking of resources.

"Wilson thinks of you as a friend and it's what us doctors have the power to do," House said smiling and he was pleased to see that she gave him a ghost of a smile back.

"Well, he's not happy with the growth, so he wants to do a biopsy in the morning," Nicky carried on.

"I'll come with you."

She shook her head and looked quite startled. "No, it's alright."

"Why not?" House asked, not understanding.

"I'd rather do this on my own, that's all," Nicky replied. She looked down at her hands still in his.

He tilted her head to look at him, "Tell me," he coaxed gently.

"There's nothing to tell," Nicky replied.

He realised that there was indeed a story to tell, she'd been let down or hurt because of the cancer before, probably both and she was protecting herself this time.

Another tear fell down her face, followed quickly by another and he could see how hard this was for her.

"There is," House still coaxed gently, "tell me what happened the last time."

Eventually, she took a deep breath and leaned back against the sofa and tucked her legs underneath her. House arranged his legs to a comfortable position and turned to face her, his arm resting along the back of the sofa.

"When I first found out that I had breast cancer, I was only twenty eight. The doctor thought it was just a cyst and by the time it was diagnosed, the only way to get rid of it was by removing my breast." A tear fell again and House gently wiped it away, he saw the pain in her face as she relived it all again for him. "I was married at the time, but it was just too much for him to handle, he couldn't take it," she gave a little laugh, "Michael wanted a whole wife, not a repulsive disfigured one. He couldn't look at me in the end, and who could blame him?"

Another tear escaped and House just kept wiping them away. Nicky saw compassion in his eyes and it spurred her on to keep talking.

"My hair fell out, I was just a shadow of myself. Once the chemo started, I was sick all the time. I had no energy to keep smiling and reassuring him that everything would turn out fine. His visits got less frequent and he would never stay long. It was then that Michael told me that he'd found someone else and wanted a divorce."

She paused, deep in thought and House waited for her to go on.

"He'd got her pregnant."

"No way?" House was astonished.

Nicky nodded, looking straight at him.

"Ever since then, I haven't let anyone get close to me. I couldn't go through the rejection if it happened again," she said. "Plus, I'm not whole, all he'd see is the scar and one breast, not the woman inside."

House knew she was talking sense. A lot of men couldn't accept a woman who'd had a mastectomy, he'd seen it.

"Come here," he said softly when he knew she'd finished.

Nicky looked at him hesitantly, not sure what he was asking. He touched the side of her neck tenderly, then pulled her gently towards him. As she moved along the sofa, he put his arms around her and she lightly laid her head against his chest, his fingers running through her hair.