TOMMY

Jason and I head into the garden. I have no idea where to begin. Before I can really make up my mind, he speaks.

"I talked to Hayley and found out what happened and Zedd filled me in even further." His voice is low and tinged with something I can't name. "She's been blaming herself, but I told her to stop. Did you know that she called every day to try and see how you were and maybe talk to you? They told her that you were refusing to talk to anyone and that you needed more time to adjust."

I stop in my tracks, stunned. I recover enough to answer. "They told me that she didn't want anything to do with me, that she'd dumped me there and wasn't ever going to come for me. I didn't know that she had been calling every day. I didn't even know that she had called at all."

"Not true, bro. Oh, and the one you called creepy, Dr. Franklin? He's in very big trouble."

I'm a little startled. "What? Why? How?"

"Partly because of what happened to you and the others - he sanctioned it." I must have given him a blank stare as I tried to figure out what he meant because he takes a breath and tries again. "He okayed it, Tommy."

Oh no. No no no no no. I can feel the panic rising. I barely hear Jason speak again, sharp tones of command I haven't heard for a very long time. "Tommy, calm down or I have to call Zedd and Pina and I don't want them mad at me."

I force my eyes to lock with the calm brown-eyed gaze of my best friend and force myself to breathe. A million thoughts race through my head as I become calmer. A million thoughts in a hundred directions. One question pops out of my mouth for no real reason that I can understand except that the man in front of me knows me better than anyone right now. "Jason, have you ever noticed me being interested in guys before?"

His eyes widen at the sudden change in subject - and just what it changed to. He frowns and I can see the change in his eyes as he flips back through memories. "Maybe once or twice, but not so much that I ever doubted that you were into girls. Why? You don't think that what happened at rehab-"

And let's not go there, thank you very much. I stop him with a shake of my head. "No, I don't think that exactly. But it did make me question things I didn't think about before. And - I might be interested in one guy, but I don't know."

"Bro, I love you, but not like that. Truthfully, I have my eye on the red head that I ran into not long ago…"

"Not you. I was talking about-" My brain came to a screeching halt. Wait, what? Red head? "You don't mean Hayley?" His grin told me all I needed to know. "Aw man, if she goes for it, that'd be awesome!"

"I haven't even asked her out yet so we'll have to wait and see. But who do you think you might be attracted to?"

I take a deep breath. "Zedd." I watch Jason carefully, emotions, thoughts and ideas racing across his face. The longer he thinks, the more nervous I'm getting. Finally, he focuses on me once more and he speaks.

"Does he know?"

I think of what I said the first day we sparred about fantasizing about him. Yeah and Jason doesn't really need to know about that. "I don't think he knows, but I think he's guessed - or at least suspects."

His face seems to turn to stone. "I see." After a minute and a brief nod to himself, he continues, "Well, Tommy, right now you know him better than I do."

I interrupt him, "Yeah, but bro-"

He grins. "Look, I know that he isn't powerless, but what do you think will happen if he hurts you somehow? There are teams and teams of Rangers - plus all the Distress Reds - that would be more than happy to teach him how NOT to treat our Tommy."

I pause uncertainly. What he's saying makes no sense. "There are? Why?"

Jason had wandered a step or two while I thought, but now he turns to me, puzzled. "Why what?"

Suddenly, I am confused and angry - very angry. Like the time Zedd was angry when he found out about our bond, but this time I know it's all me. I make a cursory effort to shield Zedd from it, but I lose all control of it in no time as I rant. "Why are there teams and teams of Rangers? And why would they fight for me? Who am I to them? Hell - who the hell am I?! I don't even know myself and I sure as hell don't remember that there's a lot of people that give a damn about me! Oh yeah, all these people that cared about me - where the hell were they when I was in the hospital or rehab? Where was everybody then? Why, Jase, why? Why was nobody there when I needed them?"

I drop to my knees, sobbing so hard in pain and rage that I can barely breathe for several minutes. I hear Jason say something that I can't make out. What feels like forever later, I feel him settle his hand on my shoulder. "Tommy - bro-"

"NO!" I snap, knocking his hand away from me. "No matter what Zedd or Hayley has told you, you have no idea what it was really like." Quickly, I regain my feet, wiping my face and circling him as I continue.

"You are seeing me after they healed my body and got rid of all the bad drugs that were in me. You have no idea what the beginning was actually like. Never mind the original accident - just the physical damage they did in that place was bad enough! The drugs so I couldn't even function worth a damn on a basic level!" I hold up my hand with my fingers less than an inch apart. "I was this close to being a drooling lump. This close! It was so hard to string thoughts together and physical movement was a joke. I'd been told that I was an excellent fighter - one of the best - and most days it was all I could do to walk from one room to another! Barely functioning and still all too aware of what they were doing to me and the others at night and not able to do a damn thing about any of it!"

I see him flinch and in my rage it feels good to inflict a little pain on someone else. "But where were all my friends, Jason? Nobody but Hayley and the kids came to see me in the hospital and they restricted the kids' visits. Hayley still had a business to run. I had hours of empty time to wonder where Kim or Kat or you or anyone was and why you had all forgotten about me!"

A flash of pain in my head that accompanied a returned memory, but I fight against the pain. "And, now that I think about it, where were the Powers That Be that I had served so faithfully through four sets of powers, never mind the first set that I used for good after you freed me? Where were they, Jason? Why did they abandon me when I needed them the most?"

"What do you want me to say, Tommy? I'm sorry I wasn't there for you, but I didn't know! Hayley tried to reach me, but she couldn't!"

I can feel my hands ball into fists and the urge to hit something is almost overwhelming. "Fine! Then you're excused! Does that make you feel better, Jason? I forgive you - does that help?"

He gets very still for a moment before he closes the distance between us. He's less than an arm's length away before he speaks again - and his voice is hollow and it grates on my nerves. "No, Tommy it doesn't - especially when you don't really mean it. If there was any real forgiveness there, then maybe I could blame myself less. Besides, I think what you really want is to hit me. That's what you want, isn't it, Tommy? I think you want to strike out and hurt someone just because you were hurt. So go ahead, Tommy. Hit me all you want because I'm not going to fight back. Maybe I deserve this."

Rage howls through my veins and without another thought a cry rips out of my throat as my fist launches forward toward his face.