Reviews :
Snake557 : thank you so much!!! I'm glad you enjoyed :D
Burgie : thank you!!! I've been waiting an eternity trying to find the right scene to drop that in, and I was so glad I finally found it xD
Song Listened To :
Shadows by CHPTRS
*Chapter 190*
Windswept auburn hair that ruffled in his eyes, it wasn't the only reason Gideon sharply squinted to a scrunch shut. With a silent clack of his front door, he huffed a shaky breath, covered his eyes with his bigger hand and did whatever he could to desperately try and get his eyes to adjust to the sunlight that cut into the front foyer area of his and Tessa's outdoor gathering area, even in the shade he was in. He figured his eyes had finally adjusted, due to his and Beaux's new home being very airy and sunny, though somehow being out in it was far worse. Not being used to such blatant, saturated sunshine, he almost began to feel overwhelmed by it all. He did what he could to sag closer to the center of the grand foyer area, the cool air rippled through the breezeway with crisp, springtime goodness, though just as he heard a familiar flap of wings, he squinted and peered down the huge, sunny splay of the palace wall's walkways and took note that Kepa cutely landed on the balls of her bigger clawed feet. Absolutely tented by Gideon's big red hoodie, all splashed with the cool skater logo across her chest, she wore that and a pair of lazy black leggings that hugged her legs nicely.
With urgency Gideon understood was still raw and fresh, Kepa daintily jogged across their gap and approached Gideon without words. He softened, lowered his hand from trying to block out the beams of sunlight in his retinas and gave Kepa a sweet smile of full understanding as her crumpling, teary face scrunched into a bittersweet grimace. Like last night all over again, she firmly plowed into Gideon's center and grappled her arms about his middle in a huge hug that he easily afforded her as well. He wobbled, caught his footing, stood firm and readjusted the swallow of his big, strong arms tight about Kepa's dainty shoulders. She heaved a long, teary, shaky breath hard into Gideon's chest and firmly nuzzled into the base of his neck, she gripped him in a huge squeeze and absolutely didn't restrain herself from making clear that she was damn-near never going to let him go. Gideon grunted a cute chuckle, amidst her hefty squeeze on his torso and lower rib cage, to which he buried his face into the top of her head and gave her shoulders a good, strong squeeze in return. With every single last breath of love and luck afforded them, Gideon lulled his eyes closed and relished in these raw moments of solitude with her, although so much was definitely needing to be said, so much was waiting to be cleared, Gideon knew that Kepa was silently asking to just start with closeness, as if quiet, nurturing touch was the foundation. It was a secret notion he knew to honor, the fact that she didn't erupt into this second reunion with conversation told him more than enough.
Diligent in remembering, adamant about doing every single last thing with her correctly, he inhaled a huge, steady breath and recalled every instance of intimate information she has afforded him thus far. He snuck a sweet smile into the top of her head and remembered how she cutely revealed to him the fact that she didn't technically like stereotyping herself as a house cat, though definitely loved to be touched, to be pet and physically cared for. In slow, easy strokes, he broadened his palm, started in slow swoops down the base of her skull and down onto her bare skin into the huge gape of his own hoodie, that she wore. In firm, slow, easy presses, the tender weave of his big fingers through her adorable, curiously short hair, as soft as velvet, he slowly scrunched and sprawled his fingers into her scalp and down her neck in easy, methodical pets and scratches. Kepa's figure huffed a trembling exhale of full relief through her nose, she fluttered her teary eyes and allowed her head and shoulders to go limp in Gideon's steady care, and with such, he cautiously held the back of her head, as if she were simply a newborn who couldn't support her own head with her neck, and with his free hand, he continued to firmly pet the side and back of her head. Due to this, he was able to lull her head away from his chest and get a good look down into her innocent little face, eyes closed, mouth just barely agape, fully lost in every single feeling of blissful peace he could afford her. He finally choked a silent little chuckle and narrowed his gaze so to peer harder down into her adorable face.
"I'm here," Gideon's deep voice so kindly eased down into her face, their hair ruffled in the breeze, although she held herself upright in a stand, her head and neck was now entirely limp in the huge gape of Gideon's palm while his free hand continued to firmly and lovingly pet down the side of her face and head in firm strokes, coupled with him cupping her cheek and slowly stroking the broad of her cute eyebrow and into her temple with his big thumb. He marinated in the feel of her fur, he relished in this silent, physical stillness just as much as she did, both creatures in full disbelief that this was actually real. He narrowed his becoming-teary gaze and peered down to the literal angel in his grip, he could hardly believe that he had a second chance at winning her over, once more. He sighed a soft breath on her face and glanced down at her adorable, plump pink lips, just barely agape. He desperately wanted to steal kisses, though continued to take this whole thing slowly and only graciously receive whatever she would afford him. Even still he couldn't come out of this situation without spilling what was truly on his heart, "You are... So... Beautiful. So beautiful, it hurts."
Kepa raised her eyebrows in bittersweet, uplifted delight and peeled open her sleepy eyes in the slip of her second, black inner eye lids, and as they held gazes in the glint of nearby sunbeams, she wrinkled her nose and gave him that same ol' heart melting smile he had fallen in love with. He chuckled softly and felt his cheeks get red as they held in their own romantic, tender embrace of touching and admiring, still marinating in disbelief that any of this was real, he long-blinked deeper into her vivid orange gaze and smiled in the stretch of his handsome piercings.
"This may sound weird, but I feel the same way about you," Kepa stated in sweet, serious musing, and though Gideon just barely furrowed his brow in patient listening, having never been called beautiful before, he was interested in her reasoning. She regained control of her head and neck, in Gideon's support, and stood to correction inside his embrace that sagged to about the middle of her back, "It's in your eyes... Even through the horrible things you've likely been through, even back when we first met... I've always seen a world of beauty in your eyes. And even still. The light in the lighthouse was always you, Gideon... Your soul is the sunlight. After all this, I don't think there's really anything that could ever snuff it out."
"I've come close, but..." Gideon sighed softly as the two remained collected in enchanted eye contact, it felt healing, rejuvenating, both beings didn't waver from it, "Thank you... You've always kept it alive, in me."
"Gideon, I came here with the motive to maybe discuss a few things with you, get some questions answered, desperately try to find a new normal, but... I'm scared," Kepa whimpered nervously as she shook her head, Gideon furrowed his brow in mild dread and patiently allowed Kepa to carry on, "I just... I'm so scared for this small little season of joy to come to an end, I don't want to muddy this very moment with... Hard conversations. I don't want this to end, Gideon, I don't want to fight with you."
"Well," Gideon sighed as he readjusted his grip on her, as well as his firm stance, and looked as if he was due to getting comfortable, as if to insinuate he would stand here with her until the sky came crashing down. He gave her an apologetic little smile and shrugged, "We certainly don't have to fight... But, surely any answers I do give your questions might not be answers you like. You want to know what I was up to, what I was thinking, how could I possibly do what I did... Some of these question I don't even have good, reasonable answers for."
Kepa sighed and nervously rested her hands to Gideon's broad chest, she felt her heart thud in anxious terror, just thinking about Gideon's time in the dark web, the wall of stories he could tell, he felt scared that she'd never want to know just what he was up to.
"But... I won't dare fight you on any of it, I don't want to fight with you, either, love. I can be as open and honest with you as I can, and it's really up to you how we move forward with this information," Gideon pressed politely, "I'm... Almost positive diving back into a relationship with me isn't what either of us would be ready for, as much as we'd like to put a bandaid on this whole thing and pick up where we left off, you and I both know that's probably not possible."
"I-I WANT to move forward with you, though," Kepa worried, though she grimaced and shook her head, "I just... You're right, I'm still so angry with you, I can't even tell you how insanely conflicted I am. It's like... I want nothing to do with you, but then the second I leave you, it's... All I want is to just be in your arms, Gideon, it's ALL I've wanted this whole time. I always told my dad that it wouldn't matter to me any horrid thing you've done, while you're gone, I'd... I'd welcome you back home with open arms. It's like I've trapped myself in a toxic situation, and even though you're not a toxic person, it just... Do you see where I'm coming from?"
"Absolutely," Gideon mused patiently.
"I don't know why I feel selfish for presenting you with this, but... I have a rather huge ask I'd like to present to you," Kepa warily pressed on, her arms shook, Gideon furrowed his eyebrows and gingerly cupped her hands to his broad chest.
"You're void of coming across as selfish... I made selfish choices that nearly broke us forever. I'm well aware the ball is entirely in your court," Gideon eased in full certainty, and with such, Kepa was floored at just how easy this all was, "Ask away. It's yours."
"This all needs to move at my pace, for this next chapter of relearning each other, I need you to just be an open book, a still-standing monolith that I can come and go from," Kepa's voice shook in nervousness, though she felt confidence flood her the second Gideon sweetly cupped her cheek and stroked his thumb to the soft fur underneath her eye in loving, patient listening, "I STILL am trying to wrap my head around the fact that you're even here, I can feel outbursts wanting to come about, I can feel the desire to just be hugged for two hours straight, I can feel wanting to scold you until the end of time, it all feels so... Disorderly and chaotic, but I don't want to overload you, y'know? You've been through enough, I know you don't need my violent ups and downs..."
Gideon sucked in a huge breath through his nose and almost wanted to cutely laugh in her face, the sheer amount of crap he'd been through, Kepa's adorable request was something he could now somehow equate to a walk in the park. He held Kepa close and really pondered her words, he tossed his gaze over the top of her head and peered off into the distance in an attempt to really marinate in his emotions and wonder if this is all what emotional maturity felt like. He knew just what Kepa was asking for, as kindly as she could put it, she wanted Gideon to be a punching bag without being a punching bag. She was begging him to reserve a massive amount of space for her, their weird entanglement of commitment nearly demanded it, he knew he was bound to her by means nearly above a code swap, due to her molt, and in the lull of his closed eyes, he felt the proverbial hit of just how he would treat this situation if he were her husband, in this moment. A wash of unconditional love spilled over him, he had been around the darkened bend and came back out with a huge understanding that he had horribly hurt the love of his life, and due to finally feeling as if he had his footing, he knew he needed to be that same foundation for her.
"You're asking me to receive you and be a sea of still water you can choose to cannon ball into today, and maybe dip your toes into tomorrow," Gideon wisely mused, Kepa perked her ears in dainty curiosity as Gideon huffed a warm chuckle and lulled his eyes closed, "You want to approach me with vicious, splashing hands with the promise that said swiping splashes today don't stir a hurricane in me tomorrow, right?"
"Yeah, now that it's all said out loud, I'm..." Kepa flattened her ears and desperately tried to hold onto her father's words; she was a catch, Gideon definitely wronged her, she knew she deserved all of this, though somehow still felt as if it was all still too big of an ask.
"Kepa, I've been through hell... HELL," Gideon urged gently, "Just so much as standing here with you right now is like... A dream come true. You genuinely could request FAR wilder, you can seriously be far needier and I'd still happily be at your beck and call. What I said last night was true... ANYTHING you want, Kepa... If you need me to be a punching bag for this season, then sure. It's yours. You are worth it."
"I just don't want to be flippantly outright with you and have you resent me for it, later," Kepa worried as tears gathered in her eyes, she shook her head and tried to remain composed, "Sure, I'm heartbroken, but... I don't want to make your predicament worse. I don't even know a shred of what you've been up to, I don't have a leg to stand on, who am I to come FLYING at you with neediness and swiping hands?"
"Who are you?" Gideon gawked cutely as he beamed her a handsome grin and furrowed his eyebrows, such a smile that had Kepa shyly smiling, as well, "C'mon, Kepa. Come. On. You're the reason I came home. Surely this reality will sink in soon, and you'll see the sheer colossal amount of your worth, and you'll look back on this conversation and laugh all while you're smushing my face into the dirt."
"... I'm hoping that reality sets in quick, I got a whole skeleton to pick with you, not just a bone or two," Kepa muttered as she flattened her ears and shook her head, though Gideon sucked in a huge breath and bobbed her a nod.
"Alright, so... Let's begin, then, ask me anything, lay into me, I'm here for you," Gideon assured with a swing of warmth, it was beyond clear to Kepa that he was adamant about never misstepping with her, ever again, he was adamant about never making another single mistake; Kepa sighed as the two finally eased out of their embrace, she narrowed her gaze and understood that even though Gideon afforded her this wild request, she squeezed her eyes shut and knew that respect was still due, she still had a massive amount of respect for the man before her, no matter what.
"Alright... How about we just get this out of the way, then, why don't we dig RIGHT in to the nastiest detail you can lay on me," Kepa gestured to her chest, stood a little taller and fervently prepared herself, "What's one of the most HORRIBLE things you did, outside of the actual competition? You lived in the dark web, what's ONE thing you'd take back or do differently?"
Gideon sucked in a huge breath and now felt dread hit his skin. He bobbed a nervous nod, looked down to their feet and quickly collected his answer, hands down. It was the main thing he was currently struggling with, the mask he had to wear and the sharp, angry attitude he had to hide, especially from Kepa, he squeezed his eyes shut and felt terror plague him with the raw idea that he was now going to unveil his dirty secrets and let Kepa into his world. He sadly peered into her eyes in full apology, though as he unfurled his bigger hands from his pockets and eased his arms out from his sides, he nervously exposed the bends of his inner arms to Kepa, the tremors in his arms and hands gently got a little worse due to him holding his limbs extended. Kepa furrowed her brows and peered to his inner arms, though as her eyes collected with the now-fading, though still prominent constellations of needle marks, she sucked in a trembling little noise of despair and covered her mouth in full, prickled horror.
"Yeah, I... I would've stayed away from hard drugs," Gideon murmured in full regret, though he flinched as Kepa scoffed a loud, teary noise into her hand, squeezed her eyes shut and took a firm step away. Gideon grit his teeth and tucked his hands back into his pockets, his heart thud in full nervousness as he watched Kepa stiffen, squeeze her eyes shut and silently cry into her hand with the tremble of her shoulders. He looked about in now trembling anxiousness that made his tremors a bit more apparent, he grit his teeth and softly ushered her a meep of apology, "Y-Yeah, I... Maybe I should've started with something softer, huh..."
"Gideon," Kepa cried into her hand, she choked silent coughs of silent weeping and firmly covered her face with both of her hands. Gideon stood still and had to fervently remind himself to be still water for her, as desperately as he wanted to scoop her into his arms and shush away her worries, he tearfully peered to her and knew this all had to be allowed, every moment of grief had to be felt in order to move forward. Kepa sucked in a huge, trembling breath and peered her distraught gaze into his, "User, Gideon... I-I... Pl-please tell me you're clean?"
"Yeah, my manifestation and wrecking abilities have been temporarily muted, it was how I got substance, was... Manifesting it," Gideon grimaced, he knew such a rare and fragile skill, between the both of them, shouldn't have been abused like such, and with this, he shook his head and heaved a shaky breath, "But, yeah, I'm sober, I'm clean. It's been about a week... The resets and code cycling I went through have sharply curbed any withdrawals, but, yeah... I occasionally backslide in the form of a nasty attitude and short temper. So, in any of this, if I come across abrupt or mean, or even if I have loud, sudden outbursts, just... Know that I'm sorry, I'm just still struggling."
"Yeah, see that's where this gets tricky, because you're sitting here telling me that you'll do anything for me and anything I want is mine," Kepa wiped her eyes and shook her head, "That road goes both ways, Gideon, I can't just... Toss you aside and make it seem like I'm the only one suffering, here."
"Well... Then, let's come to a compromise," Gideon whispered sweetly as he pressed to her, once more, "We need to promise each other that constructive back and forth can be had, but... We also need to make space to vent and be angry, if we need. I think we need to keep any form of intense intimacy to a minimum... As much as I love you, as much as I want to just dive back into what we had, it's not fair."
"Slow," Kepa agreed through her tears as she thud the side of her head into Gideon's chest, "I'll hold space for you to be cranky if you hold space for me to be cranky... Deal?"
"Deal," Gideon chuckled as he pushed a firm few kisses into the top of her head, "We'll be okay... Just gotta stick together. I nearly blew it, but... Trust me, I'm not making any of these mistakes ever again."
"I love you," Kepa sighed in teary, though dreamy delight as she wrapped her arms about Gideon's torso, once more, he beamed a small smile into her soft hair and embraced her shoulders in a squeeze.
"I love you too," Gideon whispered, he sighed and fluttered his eyes, "Tell you what... Tessa, Beaux and I were going to go into Orion City to get a few things for mine and Beaux's new home. Tessa thinks it'll be good for me to get out and experience the public, while I can... Until episodes air, no one knows who I am..."
"You only can enjoy it until late Fall," Kepa worried as she peered up into Gideon's eyes.
"Yeah, and... Even then, I don't know if I can fully enjoy it," Gideon worried, "I'm pretty nervous to do this, but... We're all cloaked and can't be discovered by anyone outside Litwak's, Tessa just wants to get me to socializing again and find normality. I'd really love if you came, it'd make the experience not so scary..."
"Happily, I'm here for you," Kepa assured with a nod, "Come with you, Tessa and Beaux?"
"Yeah, we were gunna leave in the next hour, or so," Gideon eased nervously, "Having you there would really ease my anxiety... That is, if you and Tessa can get along."
"I can set my differences aside if it benefits you, Gid," Kepa assured warmly, she nodded and inhaled a huge breath of revival, and though she didn't yet understand the depth of how Gideon interacted with the public, she knew being there to spot him and make sure he was comfortable, per his request, made her heart soar "I'm sure Tessa would feel the same way."
"Beaux will be there, too... He's good about diffusing arguments," Gideon nodded, though he bit his tongue and reminded himself that Kepa had spent a great amount of time with Beaux, as is.
"If anything, he'd remind me to breathe if I get too angry," Kepa muttered, Gideon choked a laugh as he cautiously began to pull her closer to his front door, to begin melting Kepa into their day plans.
"You'd make a fine wrecker," Gideon mused warmly, he knew their conversation just blatantly made clear that moving too fast was off limits, though he was floored that Kepa shot him a shy, mildly annoyed little smile in sneaky allowance.
