TOMMY

I race through the passages of the castle with no clear idea of where I'm going, visions of Zedd's bruised and swollen face before my eyes. What have I done? How could I possibly do that? I burst through a door and collapse on the floor, sobbing. Why would I do such a thing? Why did he let me? Why didn't he stop me? After all he's done for me, why?

After several minutes, I can't cry any more. Listlessly, I raise my head and look around at where I've ended up, even though I don't really care. Apparently, I've stopped in one of the turrets of the castle. I pull myself off the floor and move over to the low wall at the edge. He has a hell of a view from here, but I'm not really of a mind to appreciate it right now. I sit on the wall and turn, bracing my back against one of the supports before drawing my knees to my chest. I wrap my arms around them and try to think.

I remember the migraine and they wanted to try a magical scan on me. When I woke up a little while ago, I just assumed that I fell asleep during the scan. But if what Jason says is true, then - none of it was a dream. I went back to being evil - and worse than they'd ever been. What I did to Pina and Zedd - never mind what I wanted to do, what I had dreamed about doing in my evil little dreams. Quickly, my mind skitters away from the memory of those particular dreams. Those were even worse than what I had done and had been thinking of doing. And what I did do to Pina - well, that's not going to help Dar look upon me any more favorably. At least he can't read my mind and see what I'd planned to do or else I have a feeling I wouldn't have even made it out of the kitchen.

I mean, sure, I have my darker moments - doesn't everybody? But to do that to any woman, much less a friend- My thoughts turn again to what I did to Zedd. My heart breaks as I become conscious of the fact that, not only did I beat the shit out of him, essentially - I raped him. I know he'd said that he was more than willing to have sex with me, but somehow, I don't think that was what he had in mind. Never mind I remember him saying that I was hurting him. Never mind that I remember wanting to hurt him.

Oh, god. I'm no better than Big John at rehab. Why didn't he stop me? He's proven how strong he is before now, why the hell didn't he knock me through a wall? No, instead he lets me punch him in the face, have my way with him, and tells me he loves me. Oh god, he told me he loved me.

Zedd told me he loved me - that I was a part of his chosen family, but how can he after what I've done? As good as it felt to be intimate with him, my fears over it return and worse than before. Never mind letting him touch me like that, but I can't allow myself to touch him like that again. If they even let me stay after what I've done, I can't - won't do that to him again.

I sigh heavily and rest my forehead on my knees. I've ruined everything, destroyed anything Zedd and I could have had and all because I wasn't strong enough. I'm not entirely sure when I'd started thinking about staying with him - being with him, but it doesn't matter now. After this, I can't even think about sleeping in the same room with him. Odds are, I'll be banished to the dungeon anyway so that they can lock me in and don't have to worry about their safety.

I'm not sure how much time passes as my thoughts keep jumping from one horrible memory to another, but somehow, I'm not all that surprised to hear a soft voice finally interrupt me. "Be careful, Thomas. It's a long way down."

"And still not long enough" I answer flatly.

I can hear the panic creep into his voice as he says, "You weren't going to-"

"No," I interrupt him. "We're bonded and I have no idea what it would do to you. I've hurt you enough. But I promise it'll never happen again."

"All right first of all, what happened wasn't your fault, Thomas. Second of all, I'd feel much much better if you didn't just justify not committing suicide because it might accidentally kill me as well, though I do appreciate the concern to a degree." Moving to me and heaving a sigh he wraps a coat around my shoulders. "And third, it's cold up here and you are not dressed properly to be wandering around the castle at this time of night." Seriously?

"It is my fault Zedd, I couldn't control myself, I let it take over. Zedd, I beat the hell out of you and you bring me a coat!"

"Again, it was not your fault."

"The scrapes on my knuckles say otherwise." I can hear him cross the space left between us and him sit across from me. "Does my bedroom door lock?"

Surprise in his voice at my question, he answers, "It has a lock, yes, but I'm not entirely sure where the key is. Why?"

"What about my cell in the dungeon?"

Looking at me suspiciously, his answer is now much more hesitant than before. "The keys are down there, yes. Again, why?" You really have to ask?

"Because I don't want to hurt anybody anymore. I want you to lock me in my room or the dungeon, I don't care which, and I wouldn't blame you if it was the dungeon." In the stunned silence that falls, I continue. "Either that or make arrangements with Jason and Andros to transport me back to Earth. They can probably put me in a straitjacket or something to keep me from hurting them until they get me back."

"Thomas, that's not necessary."

"Again my knuckles and your face say otherwise."

Heaving a sigh and reaching for my hand, he shakes his head. "My face will heal, Thomas. Trust me, I've taken worse hits than you could ever give and healed just fine. Besides I don't want to sleep in the dungeon." Funny.

"I'm not letting you fall asleep beside me, Zedd. There's no way I'm going to make you endure that, or risk your safety. I shouldn't be let around anyone right now."

"Thomas you don't belong in the dungeon, or locked up in your room. You belong with me." Reaching out to run his hand through my hair in what I think he assumes is a reassuring gesture, I know I take him back as I jerk away. "Thomas don't do this to yourself."

My head snaps up and I fix him with a look that makes him flinch. "I belong in a nuthouse for the criminally insane, Zedd. I assaulted Pina in a way I'd never have dreamed of doing before. I assaulted and raped you. And that's just what I did - never mind what I'd considered or dreamed about."

"But, Thomas, that's not who you really are. And you didn't rape me. I was willing enough."

Angry over his constant denials and excuses for me, I stand and stalk across the room from him. "It's not willing if you have no choice in the matter, Zedd. Think about it. What do you think would have happened if you'd refused me? Because I know what I was planning to do if you did." I force myself to watch as he pales. "That's what I thought."

I cross back over to him and reach out toward his face to make him look at me. He flinches again. I can almost taste the sorrow in my voice when I speak again. "Look at what I've done to you, Zedd. In one day, one fucking day, I've made you afraid of me - a mere human. There is no apology in any universe that's good enough to make up for that."

I return to my prior place and turn my attention to the landscape. "I'm sorry, Zedd, but I really need to be alone for a little while. I promise you I won't jump."

"Thomas-"

Softly, I cut him off. "I have no right to ask for any favors after what I did, but please Zedd, give me this one."

He sits silently for so long that I'm starting to think that he's going to refuse my request. Finally, he stands and presses a kiss to my head before slowly heading for the door. Just before he closes the door behind him, he says, "You were under a spell, Thomas, and not at fault. I've been there before, I know what it feels like to be so consumed by that kind of darkness and power. I also know how terrifying it is to suddenly lose it too and have to face what you've done while under that influence. And if you can forgive me for all I've done in the past then I can forgive you for what you've done now. And I do, I forgive you for it all." He closes the door gently. If only I could forgive myself as easily.