TOMMY
I wake up slowly to discover that, once more, I'm curled up against Zedd. Sighing silently, I slide away from him and get out of bed. Why do I keep doing that? Is it because of the bond? Or maybe just the need for some kind of human contact that I've neglected over the past few years. How can I trust him so much when I'm asleep but not when I'm awake? In all fairness, I do trust him when I'm awake, just not in the same ways apparently.
Several minutes later, I'm dressed and headed for the kitchen. As I walk, my mind returns to the suggestion that Zedd made last night. I realize that I can't even consider it as I promised him I wouldn't touch him anymore when we were up in the turret. Well, I actually promised not to hurt him anymore and I've already screwed that up last night if the bites, bruises, and scratches I gave him trying to 'escape' mean anything. Looking at my own wrists that are still rather raw from the cuffs I tug my sleeves down hoping to again avoid having them seen and gaining another lecture or sigh from the others.
Zedd's right - we do need to talk about a lot of things. I wish that I could make notes or a list or something, but since I can't even write - or read them if I did - that's pointless. I sigh and push open the kitchen door. It's too early to be this damn depressed.
Not surprisingly, everyone else is here and it looks like the only one who got a decent night's sleep is Andros. "Hey look who's up. Morning Tommy."
"Morning."
"Where's Zedd?" Unsure if he's asking because he thinks I may have killed him, or if he's just curious I try not to think too much into it as I reply.
"Let him sleep. He seemed really tired, so figured I wouldn't wake him." Plus the more sleep he gets the more rested he'll be to deal with me if I should happen to turn on him again.
"That's nice, kind of wish Jason had let me sleep in" he ribs before he finishes his coffee and stands. "I'm going to go make that call now."
I nod as he passes me and take a seat at the counter. Without a word, Dar passes me a cup of coffee and a minute after that, sets a plate in front of me. For the time being, I ignore the food, instead drinking my coffee and returning to my thoughts.
I'm not sure how long I sit there, drinking my coffee and thinking in circles before Jason's voice gets my attention. "Penny for your thoughts, bro?"
I shake my head. "They aren't even worth that much," I answer despondently.
"Want to talk about it?" He offers.
I shrug. "Not really. Besides what good will it do?" I ask. "I have to figure this out on my own."
It's almost amusing when his voice takes on the firm tone of command. "Sometimes you just need a sounding board to get things straight in your head. You know that. I'm here for you if you need to talk, spar, vent, whatever."
"I know, Jase. I just-"
Before I can go any further, Jason's communicator goes off. "Go ahead."
Andros replies, "Dulcea wants to see Tommy. Would you bring him out to the ship?"
Dar heads for the door. "I'll get Zedd."
"No, Dar." He stops stunned by my refusal. "I need to do this on my own. Besides like I said he should get what sleep he can after the hell I put him through last night."
Sighs from everyone and - I'm sure - eye rolls too. Pina addresses Dar. "Go get him and we'll meet you out there." Well then, that's fine, just ignore me. Whatever.
Dar leaves quickly and I rise from my seat. I head for the door, immediately followed by Jason and Pina. "I don't need babysitters, Pina."
"Maybe, maybe not," she answers "but you might need friends."
I don't even know where to start arguing that so I let it go for the time being. I really need to remember to properly apologize to her and Dar later. All too soon, I'm in the ship and I'm shaking, afraid of what she's going to tell me. I catch the last bit of what Dulcea is saying to Andros - and she looks pissed. "- ever again." She sees me and sighs. "I'm so very sorry this happened, young Falcon."
I shrug, not sure what to say. As she studies me, I try and control my thoughts on just what has happened again as well as my shaking over it, but she of course notices. "Don't be afraid."
"I'm not afraid." Not exactly an outright lie as I'm not exactly afraid of her personally, just what she may have to tell me.
"You're trembling." And your observation isn't making it any easier to ignore. "You've never trembled before me before, even when you had the audacity to challenge me at the base of my own temple and end up with my weapon to your throat because of it."
"That wasn't the same thing." Vaguely recalling bits and pieces of what she's referring to, I shake my head, frustration mounting quickly.
"You're right, you didn't seem the least bothered I could have broken your neck with a flick of my wrist at the time, but now, just talking to me has you so agitated you can barely stand still and meet my gaze. What's wrong Falcon, why are you so upset? Talk to me, let me see if I can't help alleviate some of your fears."
"He's not really in a talking mo-"
Cutting off Jason, I don't mean to, but I can't seem to stop the rush of words as they come out. "Right now, I'm terrified of everything. I'm afraid that the spell isn't gone and it'll come back. I'm afraid that when it does that I'll hurt Zedd and Pina again. The things that I dreamed about while I was evil were so much worse than what I did do - I don't even want to think about it. I'm afraid that I'll never get past what happened to me on Earth or what I did here and Zedd and I won't be able to be together. I'm afraid of what's happening with the Rangers and I can't even help them because I screwed up and got hurt and I'm not there when they need me. I'm afraid that I'm never going to actually get any better and I'll be nothing but a burden or a plaything because I'll be too stupid to be any more than that. I'm absolutely useless and I can't even just go off and die and put myself out of everyone else's misery because that'll hurt Zedd too. Zedd says that I'm his equal but I'm not - maybe before I got hurt, but not now. None of this is fair to him! Not to Goldar or Scorpina or Jason or Hayley or the Rangers. I made a mistake and I was weak and I've messed up everybody's lives and they're all paying for it! And they all keep forgiving me and it's frustrating the hell out of me because they shouldn't!"
Stunned silence falls around me, the silence louder than my rant. I realize that tears are running down my face and I wipe them away roughly. Quietly, I finish with, "Zedd has turned his and Pina and Dar's lives completely upside down and inside out for me and it's not worth it. I'm not worth it."
I hear Zedd speak quietly from behind me. "You are worth it, Thomas. I don't know how many times I've told you that, or will keep having to tell you that until you believe it, but you are worth it."
Dulcea agrees with him. "Worth that and so much more. That spell, Falcon, was hampering your recovery. If it is truly gone, as I believe it to be, you will make great strides from here on out. Ideally, Rita should have removed the spell, but it makes no great difference in the long run as long as it's gone. The first thing you must do, however, is forgive yourself. Forgive yourself for the mistake - for that's all it was - that started all of this. Forgive yourself for the things out of your control. Find a way to let it all go so that your heart can heal."
"It's not that easy. It's not that simple," I protest.
"It is. It's a choice you have to make each and every day until it becomes as natural as breathing. On Earth, the falcon is referred to as the Bird of Kings and it's time for you to start behaving as the royalty that you are. Let it go and soar above, young one. It will only touch you and drag you down as long as you allow it."
She holds my gaze for another minute before she allows her eyes to sweep over the others. "I can see in each of you your spirit creatures. If you let them, their natures will help you do much that you never thought possible."
She returns her attention to me. "Without seeing you in person, Falcon, I cannot be certain that the spell is gone. However, you do have the means to find out. If it is not gone, have Andros contact me again and I'll make sure that it's handled –" When Zedd opens his mouth to interject she is quick to cut him off and continue. "-without Rita, Zeddic. You have my word that I will not allow her to interfere again with you or your mate without the threat of serious repercussions befalling her."
Seeming satisfied with this, he gives a nod.
Just as Andros is about to disconnect the call, Jason asks, "Dulcea, out of curiosity, what's my spirit animal?"
She smiles. "You'll have to find it within yourself, Red Ranger. Or you can feel free to come and see me before you go back to Earth." The screen goes dark.
