PINA
I find myself heading for the same rocky outcropping that Tommy went to the other day. It's one of my favorite places, but right now it's just too far. As I reach the base, a sob escapes me. The tears blurring my vision prevent me from making the climb safely. I sit down, draw my knees up to my chest, drop my forehead on them and let the tears come. I haven't cried in a very, very long time, normally taking after Zedd or Dar and allowing my pain to fester into anger and then rage that I can vent out violently without losing face. Actually allowing myself tears this time is something new and it takes a long time before they subside.
Finally exhausting myself, I wipe my eyes, certain I've concerned at least some of the animals I associate with out here…or have I? Suddenly, I'm aware that there is no noise - the animals are all gone or have fallen silent. It's only when I hear a small noise nearby that I realize what must have happened to make them leave. Dar has probably followed me, in spite of my insistence that I wanted to be left alone. As I turn, I say, "Look, Dar, just leave me alo-" I stop short as I see who is really there.
Tommy's leaning on a tree, arms folded, and looking rather concerned. Quietly, he says, "I thought you might need a friend."
"I'm fine, Tommy." I don't need to dump this on him. He has enough that he's dealing with. Not to mention the last thing I need is for him to go blabbing to Zedd about how I'm having an emotional breakdown.
"Sure you are" he agrees dryly. "Just like I am when I fall apart like that." He pushes off the tree, crosses over to me and sits down. "Tell me what's wrong. Come on - you've let me dump on you more times than I can currently count to." Funny. "Talk to me, Pina. I'm not going to stop being your friend - whatever you tell me."
"I can't. It's nothing personal, Tommy, but you wouldn't understand."
A small smile appears. "Which is exactly why you should tell me if you don't want to tell them. If I don't understand, then I'm not going to judge you." He takes my hands, as I have his so many times. "It's just you and me and I won't repeat anything you tell me if you don't want me to. Just like you didn't tell Zedd what happened at rehab - you let me do it when I was ready." When I hesitate he continues in an almost teasing manner. "Besides do you really see me running to Dar to tell him anything? He'd probably throw me out a window if I told him I knew something about you that he didn't." That is a good point.
Thinking it over for a minute more I realize that as much as I dislike it, he's right - he's really the only one I can talk to here about this that won't instantly jump in with advice or plans for some unfulfillable justice based on what they know about me or my family. I gather my thoughts and speak slowly. "My father is full Eltarian and from a - prominent family. He met my mother while she was a waitress at a bar on another planet. He - wanted her as his and, after some time, convinced her to marry him. Because she was a half blood, it couldn't be the big society affair that was normally expected. He was marrying beneath his station and it was something for the family to be ashamed of. He caved to the pressure from his family to make it a long engagement. They were hoping that he'd get bored with waiting or find someone more suitable."
Frowning and seeming to think something over, his next words startle me out of my depression just a bit. "There are bars on other planets?" Either he is truly thick enough to miss the point of this, or he's just attempting to lighten the situation. Which it is, however, I'm unsure.
"Yes, you have actually been to one I believe with Andros before while attempting to gather information about Zedd's old Zord before you both set out to destroy it when it fell into the hands of the Machine Empire."
"Are there any bars here?" Really? This is really what we're doing?
"Not that I'm aware of," I reply dryly. "May I continue with my story now or would you like to discuss how Zedd cheats at cards and Dar picks bar fights for fun?"
Waving his hand in a dismissive gesture he seems to refocus somewhat. "No we can talk about that later, go on with your story. It's just weird to, you know, think about other planets having bars."
"Moving on now." Shaking my head, I try to recall where I was when he so helpfully pipes up again.
"So your dad had to wait it out to marry your mom."
"Yes, and like they thought he did get tired of waiting, but not to marry her. She refused to be intimate with him before they were married. She was afraid that was all he wanted her for. One night, he'd apparently had enough of waiting and was waiting for her behind the bar after work. He was drunk. She fought him, but he took her right there in the alley - several times. The next day, he apologized and showered her with gifts, promising it would never happen again." I swallow hard. "I was the result of that night."
"Ouch." Yes, indeed.
"When she found out she was carrying me that made the matter even more complicated and he started pushing back at his family to get them to let him and my mother be. His family told him that if he married the - Phaedosian slut - that he'd be disowned. He pretended to agree but he started gathering money and stashing it. I don't know if he thought he had enough or he got caught or what but he left and married my mother. Unfortunately, the lifestyle he was used to couldn't be supported by the money he'd taken and my mother's salary for all that long. She worked right up until she gave birth to me and was back at work three days later. My father had no skills and no work history which made him rather useless despite his past title."
"Is that like Zedd?"
"What?" Confused by his comparison, I shake my head. "Is what like Zedd?"
"Well I heard how you called him Lord Zedd once or twice and when Dar was angry at him, when you got hurt because of me, he referred to him as 'my lord' in a rather nasty manner. So is he like your father? Is he disowned from some high society family or something?"
Hesitating to answer his question, I in the end heave a sigh and decide that despite being somewhat okay with revealing my own past to the human, it would not be fair of me to out Zedd's. "You would have to ask Zedd that Tommy, as it's really not my place to say. However if you wish to know if he is like my father in personality, then no, he would never force himself on you or try to manipulate you for his own wants."
"Dar wouldn't do that with you either." Taken back by his statement, it takes me a moment to nod in response.
"I know." Taking a breath I'm about to say more when he nudges me lightly.
"You going to tell me more or would you like to go to a bar?" I can see why Dar wishes to kill him at times.
"As I was saying before I was interrupted, my father had no real skills and while he did take care of me while my mother worked it was not the best of care." Thinking back to my very early childhood and the lack of care I received it's not long before I'm lost in the past again. "I was about eight years old when they had a fight. They'd fought before - mostly about my father's spending habits. We were living in a one bedroom that my mother could barely afford on her salary and her tips went to pay for everything else. I remember my father telling her that there was a way for her to earn more money if she wasn't so - uptight. At the time, I didn't understand what he meant. Even looking back, she wasn't really - he was in the habit of taking her whenever and wherever and however he wanted to - and it didn't matter if I was in the room or not." I can hear the bitterness in my voice. "After all, what Father wants, Father gets."
I'd never realized how hard it would be to talk about this - now that I have an adult's understanding, it's actually worse than I remember, now that I'm remembering instead of pushing it all away. "A few days later, my mother had the night off. My father came home with a bunch of his - friends. He sent me to the bedroom and told me not to come out until he said. As I closed the door, I saw one of the men reach out and tear my mother's shirt open. I buried my head under the pillow, but I could still hear her screams and cries - could hear her gagging and choking - could still hear the men and they were laughing and grunting and-"
Tears are flowing again and I wipe them away roughly. "After that, any night my mother wasn't working at the bar, he brought over a bunch of men and I was sent to the bedroom. This went on for years. The night I turned fifteen, my mother had taken the night off to make a special dinner for me. In another year, I would reach the age of maturity by Phaedosian law. My father had promised her that he wouldn't bring anyone home that night - that it would be a family night. He lied."
"He wasn't there when we had dinner, which was actually fine with me. He didn't show up until just after the dinner dishes were done and he definitely didn't show up alone. He sent me to the room again, but before I could get there, one of them grabbed me by my hair. He wanted me but my father said no. He said that I was the only pure thing that he had left. The man offered my father a large sum of money to be the first to have me. Before my father could say anything, another man offered more and suddenly they were all - bidding on me. When my father pointed out that I wasn't of age yet - and by Eltarian law, I wouldn't be for several more years - the bids jumped even higher."
I shudder as I remember, barely feeling Tommy wrap his arm around my shoulder and pull my head against his shoulder. "My father - said that the highest bidder would get to have me first and then the second highest and so on. If they wanted anything 'unusual', it would cost extra and they could have use of my mother while they waited their turns with me. My mother begged him to stop before he did something that he'd regret. That was the first time I ever saw him strike her."
I take a deep breath. "At least the first one was mostly sober. He was as - gentle - as his lust allowed him to be. The rest of them were much rougher. It hurt so much. There were so many of them. One of the drunkest ones offered my father an extra hundred thousand to watch him take me." I squeeze my eyes shut, not wanting to see it again, but with my eyes closed, it's all the clearer. "I looked over at him, buried in my mother's throat. He'd had a lot more to drink by then. He said, 'Why not? She's not my daughter anymore, just a slut like her mother.' I begged him not to do it, not to destroy our family any further. He didn't listen."
I wrap my arms around Tommy's waist, allowing him to hold and comfort me as I had him some time ago. "After that, once a month for years, he made me do what he'd made my mother do. When I was thirty, my mother died. I had been made to leave school by then and had a regular job. Between my mother's job at the bar and my job, we were paying the rent and bills and buying food. All the money my father got, he spent on what he wanted. After my mother died, I ran away. I was so careful so that he'd never find me. I got a job somewhere else, found friends that taught me to take care of myself, finished school. I earned my way into the academy. That's where I became a warrior. I was thrown out about six months before I was supposed to graduate from the academy."
Looking surprised, Tommy tightens his hold on me as he shakes his head in disbelief. "Why the hell would they ever throw you out? You're an amazing fighter. It's not because of what he did to you…"
"No, not exactly at least. I had a little bit of a rage problem and I was provoked into attacking one of the other students. Needless to say that student didn't graduate either, though not because he was kicked out, but rather because I broke both of his legs."
"Wow, I mean I can see Zedd or Dar doing that but…"
"Trust me, I can be very dangerous when provoked. Anyways as I was standing outside the gates and trying to decide where to go and what to do, Rita approached me. She convinced me to join her on her mission. I did, was her companion for a long time. Then I got word that my father was ill, maybe dying. I went to go see him. I needed to confront him and it might have been my last chance. It's ironic that while I was gone was when Rita was trapped. The way I understand it, I had been gone about a year when she got Goldar. It was about a hundred years after that she got caught."
"I went to go see my father intending to make him pay for what he'd done to me and my mother, but before I could he turned the situation around on me. He had heard a rumor that someone matching my description had joined the side of evil. He begged me not to dirty the family name, to use another one. I refused at first. He pointed out that he was only one member of the family and there were innocent children that would suffer. What did I care? When the family disowned him, they made my life a living hell. Well, he did, but I was more than willing to spread blame around. During the argument, he started coughing - coughed up blood. He begged me one more time to change my name 'for the children'. I was about to refuse again when I realized that if I did change my name, I could have a new start - really establish myself in the new regime that I was working with. Rita had already been jokingly calling me Scorpina anyway because of how I fought."
"If it makes you feel any better, I really do like your name, both versions of it. It really does fit you."
Smiling slightly at his words I give a nod before continuing softly. "I worked my way up through the ranks during the time of Rita's imprisonment. Once she was freed, she started trying to take over Earth. It wasn't long before she decided that she needed more help and sent for me. However she got impatient waiting for me as I was still dealing with another mission at the time and because of it turned you before I arrived."
Tommy is quiet for a long time, but at least he hasn't pulled away in disgust yet or started outright blaming my absence for being dragged into the mess that is his own life. When he does finally reply, his voice is soft, but clearly confused. "Okay, but none of that was your fault, except choosing to turn to evil and even that I think you should be given some leeway on considering the hell you grew up in. So I'm a little confused on why don't you want Dar to know this?"
"Tommy, I don't want him to see me any differently. Not to mention he hated you for a long time for things that weren't your fault either. What do you think he'll think of me?" I can hear the despair in my voice as I beg him to see my logic in this.
"That's your argument?" Pulling back just enough to give me a disbelieving look he continues in what seems to be sheer amazement. "He hates me so he would have to in turn hate you too? Seriously? That's seriously what you're going to go with here?" Shaking his head he continues sternly. "Pina, he loves you too much for that to be even a possibility. He hated me without knowing me."
"Fine then, if he won't hate me than he'll sure as all hell pity me." And that would break my heart more than anything.
"He'll be proud of you - the warrior, the survivor, his mate - his choice." Oh yeah? And how do you know that? "Dar and Zedd are a lot alike. Zedd told me once that he respects me even more because of what I went through and, more importantly, I survived it. I wouldn't be very surprised if, when you tell Dar what you just told me, he goes into a nasty rage because of what you went through and then, when he calms down, he loves you even more."
"You don't know that." Although something deep inside me says that he's right on with his prediction. "I can't lose him."
"You won't."
Finally I admit, "I don't have the courage to find out."
He pulls back slightly and raises my chin so I have to look him in the eyes. "What? Is this the warrior talking? The same woman that chased Dar with a wooden spoon for a joke in very bad taste? The one that will snap back at Zedd when he's out of line? The one who is going to beat me within an inch of my life if I touch her inappropriately again?"
"That's different."
"No, it's not. You have the courage - you just have to decide to use it. You're no coward, Pina, whatever you may think of yourself."
"But-"
"No buts," he says firmly. "No matter what happens with Dar, I'll still be here for you, be your friend - just like you've been for me since I stepped off Zedd's ship. Now you can tell him or not, that's your choice, and just like I promised I won't interfere or go blabbing what you told me to anyone, but I think you need to decide if you trust him enough to let him know all of this and stay or if you want to keep having this secret hanging over your head for the rest of your life as you know it will always be in the back of his mind and yours that you couldn't bring yourself to tell him the truth."
"Maybe."
"No maybe. Tell him, Pina. Don't carry this weight around on your shoulders any longer than you have to. He loves you for who you are no matter what you did or what was done to you in the past."
His confidence bolsters mine, if only slightly. Impulsively, I hug him. "Thank you, Tommy."
"Anytime" he assures me. "Now let's go back before they get any more worried. Besides, I'm starving and Jason made chili - which I haven't had in forever." Right on cue, his stomach growls. He laughs and I can't help but giggle a little. "There she is." He stands up and offers me his hand. I take it and he pulls me to my feet, his arm going around my shoulders as we set off back for the castle. "Come on, my friend, everything will be fine. And if for some reason it's not I'll just tell Zedd he won't get to mate with me until he kills Goldar for you. Simple as that."
