TOMMY
I climb into bed with a sigh. I knew that Zedd wanted to talk after Dar and Pina left for theirs, but I convinced him to let me spend the afternoon with Jason. After all, with Jason and Andros leaving tomorrow, when will I get another chance? Jason can't count on Andros being available every time he wants to come and see me. At this point, I'm hoping to put off the conversation until after they leave tomorrow.
"Thomas?" If wishes were horses.
"Yes Zedd?"
"You do know that I'm not going to force you into anything you aren't ready for, yes?"
I fight the urge to roll my eyes. "Yes, Zedd, you've made that very clear."
"And, just for the record, we haven't done nearly 'everything'. What we have done is a very small part of what we can do."
In my mind, I shy away from the things that are popping up. "We'll get there Zedd."
Even to my own ears, I sound scared and uncertain. He turns his attention fully on me. "What's really bothering you, Thomas?" I don't answer him. How can I tell him that one of my greatest fears is that this is the best that I'll ever be able to do? That one day it won't be enough for him anymore? That I'll disappoint him? "Thomas?"
I can't even dodge the question because he'll know - he always knows. Finally I decide that honesty - at least in part - is the way to go. "Look, Zedd. There's no point in discussing what's bothering me. We've ridden this horse before, so to speak. I'll tell you what's bothering me, you'll tell me that I'm wrong and then we both let it go. So let's just skip the middleman and move on to the letting it go part, okay?" I know that he can hear the edge in my voice. I take a breath, willing myself to calm down. "I need a little time to get it all straight in my head so I understand exactly what all my issues are, Zedd. And again, I know that frustrates you because you want to fix it and I'm sorry, but if I can't explain my issues right, how can you fix them?"
Reluctantly, he concedes my point and I lie down to sleep. Not curled up against him as I've done in the recent past, but on my side with my back to him. Between hearing about Pina's past, Jason leaving, and my own issues I just really need the space right now. I feel the small twinge of hurt from him, but I don't move as he puts the light out and lies down himself. I lie awake for a long time, thinking about what happened to me in rehab, what Pina told me today - which is much worse than what happened to me - my relationship with Zedd. Finally, I fall into a troubled sleep, still undecided what to do.
SEVERAL HOURS LATER
I wake up, panting for air and shaking. Where am I? Who's holding me? I shake harder as the arm around my waist tightens briefly. Oh god, they're touching me and they're pressed against me there. I try to get away, but the arm tightens more. The words burst out of me. "Let me go!"
Suddenly, I'm released, but I misjudge where the edge of the bed is, fall to the floor and crack my head on the wall. In spite of the pain, I scramble to get my back against the wall so that nobody can get behind me. The small amount of moonlight coming in through the curtains backlights the large figure now rising from the bed. Oh god, it's Big John. "Stay away from me!"
The lights suddenly come on and I cover my head with my arms against the blinding brightness and to protect myself against the beating that's coming. A voice speaks, but it's not Big John's harsh tones. "Easy, Thomas. You're all right. You're safe."
If that's not Big John, then who-? Cautiously, I peek around my arm. It's Zedd and he looks terribly concerned. I raise my head and look around to make sure that we're the only ones in the room. I realize what must have happened - another nightmare, no doubt brought on by Pina's story and my thoughts before I fell asleep. "Zedd."
I rest my head on my knees as I will myself to calm down. I can hear Zedd moving slowly, getting out of bed and approaching me. I can't help the flinch when he lightly strokes my hair. "Shhh, it's all right, Thomas. No one will harm you."
I can hear the bitterness in my voice. "Fucking nightmares."
Now that I'm fully awake, I can feel his frustration and unhappiness as well as my own. "So sleeping beside me isn't helping anymore?"
As I'm about to speak, I remember my promise to Pina. "I think something else triggered it, Zedd. Things I was thinking about before I went to sleep."
And he is far too astute sometimes. "Does this have anything to do with your talk with Pina yesterday?"
I raise my head and look him in the eye. "Even if it did, I couldn't tell you. And I'm sure it's irritating the hell out of you that everybody in the castle knows but you, but I'm not going to break my promise so you'll have to talk to Dar or Pina."
I'm startled when he says calmly, "I think I've figured out enough for now. Dar told me what Pina told him. If I'm right, that certainly could have been a trigger for your nightmare."
I shrug noncommittally. It's not up to me to confirm or deny his suspicions and even if it was I really don't want to broach the topic right now, so I change the subject. "I'm sorry I woke up. I'm okay now. Let's get back into bed."
As he moves around the bed to climb in, he says, "I'm sorry if my closeness upset you, Thomas."
I shake my head. "It's not your fault. It's like the nightmare I had the first night here. I was awake, but-"
"But that was still very much your focus. I remember."
I'm puzzled by the relief that I hear in his voice. Suddenly, I realize that he thought that he'd somehow caused my reaction. I remember thinking one time that, even though Zedd's a predator, he's still a wounded animal in his own way - and I just twisted the knife in that wound. Great.
Not wanting any more nightmares, I turn my focus away from the troubling thoughts and curl up against him. "Sorry for upsetting you."
"Not your fault, Thomas. Do you want to tell me about it? Judging by your behavior, it had something to do with that place." Uncertain if he's referring to the rehab center or where he was actually pressed against me, I decide to take his comment to mean the rehabilitation center as the other option is again something I'm not ready to talk about yet.
"Not so much that place, just him - Big John."
Looking surprised, his reply is one I probably should have expected. "You know he can't get you here, right? Even if I hadn't hurt him, he doesn't have any way to get you while you're here with me."
"I know, I just...I don't know, logically I know that. It's just that I've had people that have had it out for me before that I thought I took care of or that I assumed would no longer be a threat and sure enough as soon as my guard was down they found a way to prove me wrong. All I need is another Zeltrax or Mesogog hunting me down."
Looking confused at this, he asks, "Who's Zeltrax?"
"It's a long story. Let's just say that if Big John ever joins up with some new evil I'm screwed, both figuratively and literally I think."
"I wish I'd killed him so that you'd know he would never touch you again. It's not enough that he's probably damaged enough to be in a place like that for the rest of his life."
I sigh. "Zedd, at the time, it probably would have scared the hell out of me if you'd have killed him. I was already terrified of what you might do to me when you showed up and I saw how dangerous you were."
"Truthfully, that's the reason I didn't. Because I didn't want you any more frightened than you already were." Good to know. "So would you rather not tell me?"
I take a breath, determined not to let my emotions get out of control again. "I don't know where I was, but Big John was there. He was standing over me and unfastening his pants. He told me that now that he'd found me he wasn't letting me go until he was finished with me. I couldn't really fight him. Every move I made seemed slow and sluggish."
I lay my leg across Zedd's and wiggle a little closer as he tightens his arm around my shoulders. "He forced himself down my throat again. He said something about how I must have been practicing while I was away because I'd gotten so much better at it. When he was done, he tied my hands together and dragged me over to a bed. He punched me in the face and stomach several times to make sure that I couldn't fight much. Then he - tied me to the bed. Bent over at the end of it, arms pulled tight and tied to the headboard and he tied my ankles to the bedposts."
I take another calming breath. "He looked at me for a long time. Finally he said that as pretty as I looked like that, that wasn't how he was going to take me. He untied my ankles and shoved me up on the bed. He shortened the rope holding me to the headboard and made me lie on my side. He got behind me and-" I falter for a minute. "He spread me open and touched me a little. He said that because I'd escaped he wasn't going to use or do anything to make it easier for me, not that it mattered because I clearly liked it rough with how I was already hard. I can hear him moving around and I look over my shoulder. He's spreading something on himself. He sees me looking and grins at me in a mean way. He tells me that the stuff will make it easier for him - and it'll burn like fire to me. He moves up behind me and positions himself. I can feel him just start to get in, just enough to make sure he's lined up. I can feel the muscles in his legs tighten up as he gets ready to- He says that he's going to make me scream and he reaches around and grabs me and squeezes hard as he starts to thrust forward. And that's when I woke up."
Silence falls when I stop speaking. I can feel Zedd's heart pounding under my hand, but I can't feel him in my head. For a change, he's blocking me. "Zedd?" Getting no response I realize he must be more than upset to be so quiet for once. "Zedd don't be mad, it was just a dream. And like you said he can't get me, I know that. And even if he did somehow find me or join Mesogog or whatever I know you wouldn't let him near me."
"You're mine, of course I wouldn't let him near you." Okay that was an odd tone. Curious, I raise my head and look at him. My heart stops at the lust filled look he now has. A quick glance shows just how aroused he is. Oh my god. This is why I never wanted to tell him things in the beginning. I try to pull away but his arm tightens. "You play so innocent, but you aren't are you."
"Zedd let go." Trying to squirm out of his hold, I gasp as I feel him press against me, his teeth biting my neck hard in what I'm guessing is a show of dominance.
"Not this time." He moves quickly, lying on top of me and using his body weight to pin me down.
"Zedd stop, you said you wouldn't-"
"I changed my mind." He growls at me. "You little tease. You tell me that and expect me not to want you. You're mine and I will have you. And I think that now is as good a time as any since I'm getting tired of waiting."
He pins my hands over my head so that I have no leverage, using one of his hands to hold them together. With the other, he reaches between us and shoves his underwear down enough to free himself. He tears my boxers so that he has free access to me. He adjusts himself as I beg him not to do this. He draws back and thrusts forward with a loud, "THOMAS!"
I feel the scream torn from my throat as I realize that I'm sitting up in bed in the darkened room, panting and shaking from terror. What the hell is going on here? There is a light touch on my back and I scramble to get away from it still lost as to what just happened or is happening. "NO!"
The light comes on and I see a sleepy, concerned and very confused Zedd. "Thomas, what's wrong?"
"Stay away from me." Shaking and reaching for anything that I might use as a weapon, I throw the first thing my hand lands on, which unfortunately is only my pillow.
Taking the pillow to the face and looking less confused and now slightly miffed, Zedd shakes his head slowly before responding. "All right, that was slightly uncalled for. Thomas, you're all right. It was just a nightmare. You're safe."
I can't stop the words. "Am I? Or is this just another dream?"
"What? What do you mean?" Looking confused again though holding up a finger in warning as he sees me reach for another pillow he shakes his head at my action. "Don't you dare, or you will end up with a face full of feathers yourself, Thomas."
Slowly and carefully, I leave the pillow where it is and settle myself at the opposite corner of the bed from him, watching him carefully the whole time. "I woke up from a nightmare - well, I thought I did. And you asked me to tell you about it, which I did. It was about Big John. I told you all about it and then-" I eye him warily and take a breath, wanting to get this all out in one go. "You didn't say anything at first and I thought you were upset, but when I looked at you, you were turned on by what I'd said and you pinned me to the bed and called me a tease and said that you were going to have me and you tore my boxers and just as you were going to- I woke up again."
Zedd blinks in confusion as he sorts out what I said, apparently needing a minute due to the speed at which I said it in. "You had a nightmare inside a nightmare," he says slowly. "And when you told me in your second nightmare about your first nightmare it turned me into - a rapist?" Well when you put it like that...
I'm so ashamed I can't even look him in the face. "Yeah."
"Okay, that would explain the pillow to the face I suppose. Though for future reference if you are ever attacked maybe try and find a more suitable weapon than something made of feathers and cloth."
"I panicked."
Nodding and putting the pillow back down on my side of the bed, he continues seriously, seeming a bit more awake now. "I can see why, though just so you know hearing about how you were violated does very little in way of getting me excited, at least in a non homicidal manner."
"I'm sorry, Zedd."
I'm more than a little leery when he speaks calmly. "You can't control what you dream about, Thomas. Although I can't help but wonder what triggered it."
I keep silent, having my own suspicions. Someone I trust, taking me by force - not too far off from what Pina told me yesterday, not to mention my fears of not being able to move further with Zedd and disappointing him because of it. "I'm not sure."
Looking as if he doesn't exactly believe me, he however lets it be for the moment, not pressing for the matter of the cause, but just focusing on the aftermath. "Thomas, whatever happened in your dream, will not happen here. I told you that I can outwait you - and I will if that's what you need."
"But what if you can't?" I continue quickly as I see his surprised look, I hear the rush of words spill out before I can stop them. "It's not fair to you that I get to have you like that but you can't have me and I feel guilty about because I know you want to, or at least I think you want to and what if you get tired of waiting and bored and someone else comes along like I said before who can give you everything and-" I almost can't believe what comes out of my mouth next. "-and maybe we should just do it and get it over with so that I can stop worrying about it. I mean then at least it'd be done with and I'd know if I liked it or hated it or could do it again or... I don't know just deal with it the next time you want to."
"No." I look up at him at the horrified tone in his voice.
"But-"
"Thomas, no. That's not something you do to 'get it over with' and certainly not to appease me. You do it because you want to and are ready to. What we've done so far, Thomas, is fine. What you're comfortable with - well, it's been very satisfying because you're comfortable with it and can enjoy it too. But you trying to force yourself into something you're not ready for - I can't and won't be a party to that."
He gets out of bed and walks over to the window. When he speaks again, there is something in his tone that I can't put a name to. "I don't know, Thomas. Maybe I've already pushed you too far with my wants. Maybe you weren't actually ready for what we have done."
My eyes narrow as I see all too clearly what he's doing - especially since I did it myself to Pina just yesterday. "Stop it, Zedd, I'm not that stupid. I did that to Pina yesterday. Besides, if you'd pushed me too far already, I'd have had a nightmare about it before now."
There's a long pause followed by a rather defeated sigh before he turns back to face me. "Then you have me at a loss, Thomas. I want to help, but I don't know how at the moment when I'm part of what you're afraid of. Do you want to tell me about either of your nightmares? If you want, I can stay over here so that you feel safer."
I hesitate. I pinch myself hard to make sure I'm awake. "You don't have to stay over there. I don't want you to stay over there." I wait for him to come back and sit down before I tell him everything, knowing he's unhappy about my subconscious making him a potential rapist as he said, especially when it seems like he's suddenly put a rather tight hold on his emotions.
Once I'm finished, I can't help but glance at him. He is in no way aroused by what I've said, but he is thinking heavily. Finally, he says, "Well, Thomas, the disgust I feel at the idea of forcing you aside I will say this, while I don't mind a little bit of bondage or role playing, and I did indulge you the other day since you initiated it and it helped you be more at ease with things, we are a very, very long way away from doing any of that in our mating."
I say, "You mean I am."
"No, I mean we. Thomas, you may recall I told you that what we have done is only a small part of what we could do. We still have much to learn about each other's reactions and bodies and such before we could - and should - even consider such things. The last thing I want to do is accidentally do something that us going to harm or scare you, and while I am stronger than you are you could accidentally do some unpleasant damage to me if I was restrained enough and unable to make you realize I wasn't playing." Running his fingers through my hair, he shakes his head slowly. "Besides I think that kind of thing should wait until after we've covered the basics, don't you?"
"And what if I said that I wanted you to take me now?"
"I wouldn't believe you." He shoots a look of pure exasperation at me. "Honestly, Thomas, give me a little credit. How needy do you think I am that I would jump at the first opportunity? I do want you, but not at the expense of our relationship." I hesitate and he presses his point. "Why do you think that I stopped you in the dungeons when you were evil and tried to service me? Because I didn't know what it would do to our relationship once we broke the spell. As much effort as you were putting into it then, it would have been so easy to just let you, and let me tell you the thought was overpoweringly tempting. However I knew you'd be hurt by it once the spell was broken and I didn't want to lose your trust in me."
Unable to help myself, I hear the question come before I can stop it. "What about later?"
"The only reason I gave in later was because Rita believed that you getting relief would burn the spell off faster. I was, quite frankly, expecting to have to fend you off until it did."
I absorb what he's said. There is a ring of truth to it and it makes me feel even worse. "I'm sorry, Zedd. I just - I'm tired of being afraid of it, but I can't figure out how to get past it."
"Slowly, Thomas. You said the other day that you wanted to back up and try my ideas with the movies and such. So we will. Until you want to try something new, we'll stick to what you know and are comfortable with and it will still be satisfying for both of us. I don't want you to feel like you're being unfair to me, I don't mind being the only one that's taken right now. I do enjoy it in case you didn't notice, and I feel rather confident in believing that eventually you will be comfortable enough to let me show you how it feels. Until then however what we are doing now is more than satisfying for me. Now I think, if you're able, we need to go back to sleep and we can discuss this more tomorrow after our guests have left."
I nod, my fears having faded as we talked. He's not going to jump me, I know, but he's also not going to be much help right now in getting past this hurdle. I move back to my side of the bed as he turns the light back out. Once we're both comfortable and I decide that sleeping alone so to speak isn't going to help, I curl back up at his side, my arm going across his waist as his lays across my back. "To be honest I'm not really sure I want to go back to sleep, Zedd."
"You'll be exhausted tomorrow if you don't and that will definitely be cause for Jason to worry." True. "Besides with you laying like this I don't think you'll have another nightmare tonight." At my confused look he elaborates. "When you laid with your back to me the first time I probably moved in my sleep to find you. Odds are, what triggered your first nightmare was that I ended up lying tightly against you and I was probably pressed against you like in your dream."
"You spooning me shouldn't have given me a nightmare version of a panic attack."
"No, but I'd be lying if I didn't say I'm fairly certain that I was also aroused and very likely moving in my sleep against you." As I lift my head to give him a slightly chiding look he continues quickly. "In fairness I was dreaming about you at the time. Well before you woke me up with thoughts that someone was trying to murder you in your sleep."
I nod, finding that it makes a lot of sense. "Fine, but if I wake you up again it's your own fault for making me go back to sleep."
"I'll take the chance. Besides, you I can appease, Jason, not so much."
"Good night, Zedd."
He squeezes me lightly. "Good night, Thomas."
