TOMMY
I sigh heavily as I watch Deca disappear from sight. Jason hasn't been gone five minutes and I miss him. I've gone through this before when he went to the Peace Conference and I know that it's temporary, not to mention he and Andros both said I could reach him now from Zedd's office or my communicator. I'll be fine. Once the desire to instantly call him subsides, it'll be fine, just like the last few times we had to go our own ways. In the meantime- I turn to see the other three looking at me with varying degrees of concern.
I roll my eyes. "I'll be okay, guys. Look, you all have things to do, I'm sure. Why don't you guys do what you used to do? I have some thinking to do and there's no reason for you to put off your stuff while I do that."
Zedd sighs heavily. "You're going back up in the turret again, aren't you?"
I shrug. "Maybe or I might go back out in the woods to that rocky area I went to before." I can see that Zedd's going to protest so I head him off. "Zedd, I'm not going to fall out of the tower and I have no intention of being out so long that I can't see properly to make the climb down like last time."
Pina smiles at me. "I think that I'm going to have to make you a pack of your own. And I still have to take you out some more."
"A pack would be a good idea," I agree. "But not right now. Seriously, you guys go do your other stuff. I can't expect Jason to put his life on permanent hold for me so why should you guys do that? You have a business to run, or manage, or whatever it is you all do, so go do it."
Dar sighs next, but I can see he is at least somewhat pleased by my refusal to let their work be pushed aside. "Go get Pina's pack for now and then come through the kitchen and I'll give you some water and snacks - just in case you miss lunch."
I can tell that Zedd's not happy with everyone siding with me, but this really needs to happen. "I'd rather you not be out that long."
"He'll be fine Zedd." Rolling his eyes, Dar shakes his head at his friend's over protective streak. "And what's more, he's right. You need to look over the contracts I left in your office and call your informants about an order you have yet to get hold of. We're reaching the deadline you quoted the customer and you don't even have the damn thing yet."
"See, you have work to do" I agree seriously. "So go do it and then, either at lunch or after dinner, we can work on my learning schedule. By then you all should know what kind of time you need." I head for the door, leaving no room for argument, with the others right behind me. Before I head for the infirmary for Pina's pack, an idea occurs to me. I head in the general direction of the tower. I have to go right past Zedd's office to get there and he's a little way behind me, no doubt still sulking about being told to do his work. His office door is open just enough and I slip inside.
He comes in, apparently lost in thought and I easily get behind him. I follow him across the room and when he turns behind his desk, I ambush him, planting a kiss on him before he can react. Even as he moves to counter, I can feel the instant he realizes it's me and he relaxes into it, pulling me closer and wrapping his arms around me. We trade kisses for a few minutes, neither of us deepening it or pressing further, reminding me of the more playful kisses I used to trade with Kim when younger.
Finally, I ease back. "I'm sorry about last night, Zedd." Gently, I stroke his cheek. "I am going to figure out what the hell my issues are so that I can deal with them."
He answers back softly. "No apology needed, Thomas. As long as you realize it was a dream and nothing like that will ever happen in the waking world, then I can let it go as well."
"Thank you. I'll let you work now and maybe we'll play later."
His eyebrows go up. "Maybe? Forgive me if I'm hoping for better than maybe."
As I head for the door, I shoot him a saucy grin over my shoulder. "That depends on how much work you get done." I hear his faint curse behind me as I hurry down the hall, grinning madly.
I swing by the infirmary, grab Pina's pack, pass through the kitchen to pick up the supplies that Dar has left out for me and head out the door. Now the way is familiar to me and I make it to my destination in record time. I make the climb and settle in comfortably. Now it's time for some serious thinking.
Why do I have such an issue with the idea of Zedd taking me? As much as I want to forget them, I have the feeling that the nightmares hold a large part of the answer. I take a deep breath and try to look at them without letting my emotions get in the way. I focus on the parts just before I woke up - when they were about to push in. I bite my lip as I think. That's the part where my terror is the highest, but why? In my dreams, I could actually feel them start to get in, but not far and oddly, it felt exactly the same. I know that can't be right - they aren't even built the same, so to speak and in the first nightmare, Big John put something on himself and in the second, Zedd didn't. That definitely shouldn't feel the same. And how would I even know what that feels like?
Suddenly, I remember. The first time Big John came into my room at rehab after lights out, he touched me there. He even got his finger a little way in! That must be what I'm connecting it to! Someone I didn't like touching me in a way that I didn't want - it makes too much sense. It doesn't mean that I'm ready for Zedd to touch me like that, but at least if I understand the problem, I can work toward fixing it. I know that Zedd's not going to be happy when I tell him as I realize now that I had apparently kind of left that little detail out when telling him what occurred before, but he'll have to know.
My train of thought is diverted when I realize something. I have no problem with taking Zedd down my throat, even when he's got his hands on my head. Is that something I got over when I was evil or is it because he's not forcing me? And I definitely have no problem with kissing him - probably because Big John never did, that wasn't tainted for me.
So if Zedd had taken me while I was evil, would I be over that too? I think back and remember our first encounter during that phase. "How does my lord wish to take me?" I'd offered, true, but in that mindset I was expecting him to just use me for his own relief - which would have been the purpose at the time. Absurdly grateful that he'd refused, I can't help but wonder if he knew - not that it really matters, I guess.
I turn my attention to my next problem, how to get past it. This is one of those things that watching movies isn't really going to help. I sigh, as all of zero ideas come to mind. I decide to let that go for the moment and come back to it later. My next issue is the potential lifespan of my relationship with Zedd. Jason's right - I can't let my past relationships dictate what happens in this one. Zedd may spend more time in the morning fixing his hair than Kim and be taller than Kat and more intelligent than Elena and darker than Becky and lighter than Eva and have a better sense of humor than Tanya and more affectionate than Caroline and have more common sense than Denise and- I stop suddenly.
What in the hell am I doing? Comparing Zedd to my past girlfriends? I pause a moment before I continue my train of thought. I suddenly realize that in each comparison, Zedd's winning hands down. He seems to have all the traits that each of my former girlfriends lacked - and what I apparently need. And I have no doubt that if he did ever want to end the 'more than friends' part of the relationship, he'd tell me to my face, not some letter mailed to a public place to humiliate me in front of my friends and teammates.
Moving on to my next issue, I find that my heart feels a little lighter than it did when I got up this morning - and man, am I grateful for that.
