TOMMY
I wake up with a start, tears coursing down my face. This time it's not so much a dream as a memory that has me upset. It was the day after Dar took off in a rage and Zedd and I were talking in his office. "Shame on me for being stuck in a forced bond that could very well kill me when you go back and take up those fucking powers again!"
What have I done? What's wrong with me? How selfish am I that I've continued to be with him when he didn't even want to be bonded in the first place? The words 'stuck in a forced bond' keep repeating themselves in my head even as I look at the sleeping man beside me. "God Zedd, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."
Feeling me move, or maybe just feeling my upset through the bond, Zedd suddenly tightens his hold on me, hand rubbing my back slowly as I'd wager he's still mostly asleep. "Mmmm s'early, love. Go back to sleep."
Laying still for a few minutes, until I'm sure he's back asleep himself, I move slowly, untangling myself from his hold. Carefully, I get out of bed and pull my clothes on. What am I going to do now? I slip out of the room and head for the kitchen, hoping that the others are still asleep as the last thing I want to do is face any of them right now.
The kitchen is empty, but at least the coffee is made. I get a cup and settle in at the counter for the time being. I was too stupid then to really get it but now I realize that continuing the relationship has endangered Zedd even further. Not that I don't want our relationship to continue, but not at the cost of his life. I'm so lost in my misery that I don't even notice when Pina comes in.
"Morning, Tommy."
"Morning." I'm sure she knows that something is wrong by my lackluster response. Before she can question me about it, I stand up and head for the door, abandoning my still mostly full cup of coffee. "I'll be back in a while."
"Where-" I don't wait for her to finish her question before I'm out the door. I wander deep into the garden, lost in thought.
I have to figure out what to do before Zedd comes looking for me. The more the bond strengthens, the more dangerous it will be for him. So, short of death, is there any other way to get rid of the bond? Obviously if he's 'stuck' with it, he'll be glad to get rid of it.
I don't want to hurt him anymore so, at the very least, we're going to have to stop mating. It almost breaks my heart but it's for the best, right? A small voice in my head whispers that Zedd has enjoyed what we've done and wanted it as much - or more - than I did. This just confuses me all the more. I slump down on a nearby bench as I try to figure out what to do.
If I've understood everything I've been told and heard correctly about this bond stuff, it's been getting, well, worse for him ever since he got me. The close proximity, sleeping together, sparring together, mating - all of them strengthen the bond. Theoretically, if all those things strengthen the bond, then the reverse should be true too, right? If the bond is weakened enough, could it be broken? Maybe if we can break it, I can stay and we can still be together without risking him. That way it's his choice to be in a relationship with me without the bond forcing him to.
Somehow, I get the feeling that Pina would know, but I also know that the minute I ask she'll want to run to Zedd and that's going to lead to him wanting to talk. As weak as the bond was when I was hurt and as far apart as we were, maybe it would have been better for him if I had just died. Not that I want to be dead, but I'm not thrilled that anything that happens to me from now on could kill him.
Maybe - maybe there is a way to find out what I want to know without Pina tattling to Zedd. As my plan starts forming, I'm briefly distracted by the bond. Zedd's waking up - and he's not happy. Knowing somehow that I'm the reason, I quickly block him out - as thoroughly as I had when I ran from them before. I return my thoughts to my plan, wording my questions carefully so as not to make her suspicious.
Finally, I steel myself to do this - for him. Ignoring all the revelations I came to yesterday about how well suited we are for each other, I head for the castle. Either she'll still be in the kitchen or - hopefully - she's gone to the infirmary. Another thought occurs to me.
While I was evil, Zedd said that if I didn't keep up my treatment that I'd begin to regress. Was that true or did he just say that so that I wouldn't argue anymore? Would that weaken the bond?
I enter the kitchen and, seeing that Zedd and Dar are the only ones here, I head straight through and for the infirmary without so much as a word to them. Really, it wouldn't have mattered if I said anything or not - I'm sure that Zedd already knows that something is 'wrong'. After all, I was so - affectionate - yesterday and now… I can't even bring myself to look at him, knowing he doesn't want the bond.
It's not long before I reach the infirmary. Pina looks up from what she's doing, clear concern on her face, when I come in. "Are you all right?"
I shrug. "Pina, um, is there any way to break the bond between Zedd and me?"
"What?" Okay so blurting it out was not originally in my plan. Get it together here.
I fidget deliberately, not looking at her. "You know, in case something happens or he doesn't want the bond anymore because he finds someone else or when I get old so he doesn't die too."
As I knew it would, the last bit makes her relax, if only a little bit. "Not that I know of, Tommy. But with the bond, there's very little chance that he'd find someone else." Of course she'd address that part. "Also as I'm certain Zedd's told you the powers you've held have no doubt extended your natural lifespan at least a bit. I don't think you should worry yourself about your eventual passing, especially not when you're still rather young, even by your species standards."
"Okay fine, so there would be some time before I kick the bucket, assuming I wasn't killed in some battle with some new epic evil, but what if he doesn't want to be bonded?" Didn't mean to say that.
Her brow furrows. "Where would you get an idea like that?"
Sighing heavily, I reluctantly tell her, "He didn't want to be bonded in the first place. He said so. Said that he was 'stuck in a forced bond'. So I was just wondering if there was maybe some way to help him be…unstuck."
"When did he say that?" she demands.
I shrug again. "It doesn't really matter, does it?" I take another breath. "On another subject, while I was evil, Zedd said that if I didn't keep up my treatment, I'd begin to regress. Is that true or was that just to make me behave?"
Eyes narrowing and I think unfortunately seeing my question for what it is, her response is carefully given. "I don't know that you'd actually regress, Tommy, but if you stop your treatments, you probably won't get much better."
"And what would that do to the bond?"
"Very little, I would imagine. However it would do you a great disservice as well as highly upset Zedd." Damn. "You two have been bonded since you were a Ranger, Tommy - and long before this injury, even Dulcea, in her own way confirmed that."
Forgot about that. I move over to the table and lie down. "Might as well get it over with then." As she gets it ready, I wrap my hands around the edge of the table, ready to grip it when the pain starts.
