TOMMY
I'm so angry, I can't think straight. I'm sick and tired of all of this. I know I'll never be as smart or as educated as they are. Hell, according to what Zedd said one time, he's already lived the equivalent of several of my potential lifetimes. I get that - from their perspective - I'm nothing more than a child. But for someone who claims to respect me and trust me and love me, he sure doesn't show it.
That's another thing too, how is it he can claim he loves me and call me family when I'm evil and punching him in the face, but afterwards when I give myself up to him voluntarily and of my own free will I don't even get so much as an affectionate whisper. I may not recall everything that occurred between myself and my past girlfriends, but I do know that after Kat and I slept together I made certain to tell her how I felt. Which really begs the question of if he actually feels that way, or did he just say it when I was evil to try and calm me down and appease me.
Ignoring the small voice in my head reminding me that I haven't exactly said it to him either, I feel my frustration getting the better of me. It shouldn't matter that I haven't said it yet, at least I didn't say it just to lead him on and get him into bed with me like I'm starting to get the feeling he did, or else I misunderstood how he meant it when he said it, assuming it wasn't to be taken the same way as one would care for a close friend or family member...despite the fact he did follow it up by referring to me as part of his family. Shit.
Screw it. Maybe I should just go back home once I'm better. Well, as better as I'm going to get. I can relearn to read and write and stuff back on Earth just as easily as here. Jason would help me, I know, so would Hales, and if Billy and Trini are helping her out with the kids that's two more people to aid in the task. Besides even if they can't, at least now I'm functional enough to care for myself so I wouldn't really be a burden on them… At least I don't think I would.
I make sure that I stay outside long enough for them to finish eating and leave. I'll clean up and then start dinner since it will take a while.
Once I'm sure that the coast is clear, I deal with the lunch leftovers before I start on dinner. If I am going back home, I definitely need to figure out a way to break the damn bond. Otherwise, I get the feeling that he's going to be trying to live in my back pocket, so to speak, and again the last thing I need is him trying to be my god damn babysitter. Wouldn't that be a fun explanation to give the kids and everyone else.
Sighing, I continue to work on the meal as I try and figure things out. As much as I hate to say it, I do care for Zedd - much more than I thought I would and a lot faster. I didn't lie to him when I said that he'd beaten out all my past girlfriends. But I can't and won't stay in a relationship that's obviously this unequal. I've just turned thirty - a third of my life gone - and I don't need to spend the rest feeling like he's looking down on me and has to take care of me because I'm too damn careless and stupid to take care of myself or contribute anything to our relationship, or his work, or just anything.
I admit, he had me fooled - especially with that lie about my name. He called me that even when I was just a teenager - and it was annoying then too. He's been lying to me off and on ever since he - abducted me. I mean, that's really what it was, despite the situation and circumstances surrounding it. Freaking evil bastards are always abducting me, and until now Zedd had been the only one not to pull that crap. Though again, he did do it to save me. No, no I am not doing this. I am not going to let myself be convinced that he is some heroic savior when in reality I know he's an egotistical, manipulative, whiny when sick, untrusting, lying prick…who maybe cares about me. Maybe. Either way, it doesn't matter.
And, yeah, it's going to hurt to leave him, but I've been hurt before and gotten over it and I will this time too, right? As long as I keep him blocked, I won't have to deal with whatever he's feeling when I'm gone - probably relief that he doesn't have to babysit the child anymore.
That damn small voice in the back of my head whispers that I wouldn't feel like this if I wasn't so damn tired. 'No, I just would push it away, the same as I've been doing since I got here.' I know that it's unfair. When he took me away from that place, I wasn't much above the level of a human child. I'm a long way away from there, but still a long way away from the man I was - and probably will never be again.
Okay - I don't really want to go home, but I don't want to stay here and be treated this way either. Never mind that none of this is fair to Zedd… Why does everything seem to come back around to him? This is supposed to be about me! Suddenly I realize that it's probably the bond that's making me think this way. Even when I block him out, I can't get rid of him!
Angry once more, I give up trying to figure things out and focus on keeping the others fed - well, at least until Dar feels better. Then I'm back to being essentially useless.
