ZEDD
I wake, darkness already beginning to fall. I stretch and am pleased to be feeling better. Odds are, come morning, I'll be completely over this - for which I will be grateful - and hopefully by then Thomas will be back in bed with me, for which I will be even more grateful. I rise and dress. A quick trip to the bathroom and I'm ready to head downstairs. Two steps into the hall and I'm greeted with the most tantalizing smell. I have no idea what it is, but my mouth waters and I'm eager to find out. Pina's door opens and she and Dar emerge. I know the moment they catch the scent, as they pause also.
We all hurry downstairs and find the table set - with three place settings, not four. Thomas comes out and sets a couple of dishes on the table before we can question it. He sees us and says, "You guys look better. Go ahead and sit down while I get the rest of the food."
He disappears into the kitchen as we sit down and start filling our plates. I know that the other two have noticed the absence of a plate for him as well, but our hunger is unfortunately getting the better of us at the moment. He returns and sets a couple more dishes down. "Thomas, aren't you going to eat with us?"
"I've already eaten. I'm going to clean the kitchen. Holler if you need anything." Disturbed at this development, I don't know what to do.
"Thomas, I'm glad you got something to eat, but if you were hungry you could have woken us up. We gladly would have gotten up early to eat with you."
"You needed the rest, Zedd. All of you did. Besides I don't mind eating alone - I'm used to it." What?
"Thomas I don't-"
"At home Zedd. I live alone remember. Between Rangering, school, and well you know the whole alone thing, I know how to handle dining by myself. It's fine." Heading back into the kitchen and leaving me to ponder this, I don't know what the hell to do with him.
Sighing heavily, I begin to eat and stop almost immediately. Who knew he could cook like this? This is amazing! He pops back in and sets a basket of rolls on the table. "Almost forgot these."
"Tommy, this is fantastic!" Pina exclaims.
He smiles. "One of the few things I make well," he admits. "There's about a dozen things that I'm good at." I know at least one thing aside this that he's very good at and has yet to share with me recently. That aside though, by the power this is fantastic food! Right up there with what Dar turns out. "If you want I can maybe make you guys lasagna one night. Jason's mom taught me how to make it when I was still in college."
"That sounds great, whatever lasagna is. You should teach Dar to make this too though," I say around a mouthful of food, manners completely gone. "This is incredible, Thomas."
Out of the corner of my eye, I see his smile disappear even as Dar protests. "He doesn't have to teach me - he can just make it himself. Along with the lasagna, whatever that consists of. If it's anything like this though, I'm sure it will be amazing."
His voice is quiet. "No, it's all right, Dar. I'll teach you. That way if you want it and I'm not here for any reason, you can still have it." He heads for the kitchen as the other two glare at me.
"What?"
"Seriously, Zedd?" Dar hisses at me, keeping his voice low. "What in all the hells is wrong with you?"
"Something he does well and is proud of and you suggest that he teach someone else how to do it?" Pina chimes in. "Are you insane?"
"But- but- cooking is Dar's job," I stutter. "I didn't think about it like that."
"Do you do this sort of thing all the time? Because if you do, I get why he has an issue with the bond and your relationship." What the hell? Dar of all people is telling me I'm being insensitive in my relationship with Thomas? Dar?!
"No!" I answer automatically. At the looks I'm getting, I actually give it some thought.
"Really? You don't ignore or disregard his abilities or ideas, even subconsciously?" Dar challenges softly, but seriously. "I'm not accusing you of doing it purposely Zedd, but if you recall what occurred in the kitchen earlier with his advice on our illness, and now this. I know when you first brought him here he could barely button his shirt, but he seems to basically be back to at least the intellectual level of a normal human now, and indeed seems to know what he's talking about."
Slowly I realize that, while he's gotten better, I've not really changed how I've been treating him since he arrived. I do doubt and question - not to mention assuming that I know better than he does on most everything. The only thing I've not done that with is our bedroom activities. I have to deal with this.
Swiftly, I get up and head for the kitchen, though pause briefly once inside, as I'm distracted by the state of the room. "By the hells, Thomas, did you use every dish?"
His irritated reply brings me back to the moment. "I'm cleaning up, Zedd."
"Wait. That's not what I came in here for. Thomas, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to imply that I didn't want you to cook for us. What you made tonight is great and Dar is right there's no reason to have him make it when you can."
"It's fine Zedd, I don't mind. Now I need to clean up." Okay so that's not going to work.
"It's not fine, you're upset, and you do mind. I really am sorry, I didn't mean to upset you it's just… I'm an idiot and I haven't been handling our relationship well." He remains silent, but pauses in what he's doing. "And I don't just mean the cooking or the taking care of us part."
"Go on." Okay, it's a start.
"You see, when I was with Rita, I had come to take over since she had messed everything up with trying to take over Earth. So I was in charge, similar to being the boss here, only more so."
"Our relationship shouldn't be a job, Zedd."
"I know, and it's not. I'm just trying to explain how things with her were. I had to be the one calling the shots before were together and after, partly because she kept screwing everything up. Think about it like you and Kimberly. I don't know how your other relationships worked, but I recall when with her, I watched you have to constantly appease her and keep her safe, as well as direct her on what to do on the battlefield. That was like myself and Rita, only ours was on a much larger scale. Unfortunately she wasn't the first I had to do that with either. In several of my relationships before that, I had to take the lead or be the provider or protector. When you first came here, you needed me to be a protector and that was fine. It was a role I was used to and knew how to play. It was familiar to me, which is why in spite of your obvious improvement, I've not really been able to step away from that role, lest you need me."
I take a breath and continue. "As for looking to Pina earlier today, well, it's just been the three of us for so long that it's just become a habit to check with one of them when I'm unsure of something. I didn't even realize that I'd been doing it. I don't want you to - as you put it - not be here for any reason."
He sighs. "Yes, you are an idiot. And I told you, even if I stay, I still have to go back to Earth to deal with some stuff."
"Thomas, I want you to stay, and if you have to go back to Earth for a bit I'd like very much to come with you. I'm not claiming I'd be the best company considering I'm doubtful I could be very patient with the children, or know how to handle social situations there, but I'd at least like to be with you while you do those things so I could maybe learn a bit more about you and your life there."
"I'm not sure that's such a good idea, Zedd."
"It probably isn't" I admit, truthfully knowing my temper probably wouldn't last around a large number of humans or the teenagers he's friends with, however… "But if you'll let me I promise to try my best to not embarrass you with outbursts of death threats or attempts to attract attention from your law enforcement by starting any fights in the local bars."
Seeing the beginning of a faint snicker from him, I continue, hoping I'm not pressing my luck too much. "Thomas, it worries me when you talk about not being here. You've been blocking me for a week now and I don't know why, and then you talk about leaving, and even when you say it's only for a little while it scares me because despite your earlier assurances you want to stay with me, your recent behavior has kind of implied otherwise." Taking a breath I continue seriously. "Pina said you asked her about breaking the bond. I don't know why you asked her that, but I want you to know if it's because you think I don't want to be bonded to you then you're wrong. I don't want to break the bond - even if it were possible, which it's not without severely damaging both of us, I wouldn't want to be bonded to anyone else but you."
"Why?"
"I, I don't know. I want us to have a real relationship and I feel like the bond helps that. It's important to my species and to be perfectly honest with you I've been more than a little miserable since you blocked me again. It's bad enough I've been ill and unable to be near you physically, but I couldn't even feel you mentally and that makes it worse."
"Even if the one you're bonded to is a lesser species that's viewed as a stupid child?" Okay, that was a bit childish right there, however pointing it out I feel will not at all help my case.
"You aren't stupid - you've lost memories, which isn't the same. And just because your species hasn't evolved as far as ours has, doesn't necessarily make you a lesser species. And I know you aren't careless. If you recall, I simply said that to goad you into a fight so that I could test your physical abilities. I love you, Thomas. I don't know how else to make you believe that."
"How?" he asks.
"I don't understand. How what?"
"How can you love me? How do you love me?" I'm confused. I honestly don't know what he's after. Apparently, my puzzlement has kept me silent for too long as he suddenly shakes his head and begins working on the dishes again. "Never mind."
"No, explain to me what you mean." Looking at him lost, I plead my case once more. "I'm not a mind reader, Thomas. As amazing as I am, I still can't see exactly what you're thinking, and it's harder for me now because I can't feel you either with how you have me blocked. It's distracting and more than a little distressing that I can't feel you right now and thus don't have much of a clue how to help."
Thinking this over for a minute, he at least seems to be willing to meet me half way as he elaborates slightly on his earlier statement. "How can you love me after the way I treated you? You said that you love me, that I'm a part of your family, but I don't know what that means to you. How do you know that you love me and that it's not the bond making you feel like that?"
Suddenly, I do understand his confusion. "Because you would have never treated me that way if you hadn't been under the spell. I know that and that's why I couldn't hurt you back. The bond doesn't dictate how I feel, Thomas. It's merely a connection. And, yes, I've chosen to include you in my family, but not as friend or brother or best friend but as my mate, my partner."
"Why is it logical for us to be mates because of the bond instead of just very good friends?"
I frown. "I really don't know how to explain that one very well. Frankly, Andros probably would have been the best one to explain that since he's extremely familiar with both our species." I think for a minute. "Okay, this is the best I can do. It's logical because I love you. I know it and so does the bond. Thomas, I am thousands of your years old and have had hundreds of relationships, including being married to the witch."
"You are an idiot when it comes to relationships." Knowing by his tone that he's not pleased by what I've just said, I nevertheless decide to press on.
"I believe I already agreed with that. However I do have a reason from telling you this, so just hear me out." When he gives me a signal to go ahead, I press on. "In all those relationships - intimate and not - the bond never connected to another being and yet, a teenage human that I barely had actual contact with - the bond found something in him that made him worthy to be my future companion and potential mate and connected with him. Love is only a small part of what we can potentially have and share, Thomas. Hell, we've already had some when you were younger. The bond, once made, kept us from actually hurting each other even then."
I pause to let this sink in before I go on. "Before me, had you ever considered a relationship of this kind with another male?" I'm not surprised when I get a negative headshake. "You've not been here with me all that long. Evil aside, were you considering this kind of interaction between us?" I don't need his confirmation, but am still pleased when I get it never the less. "Right. The bond has made you aware of me in ways that you'd have never thought about before, but it was still your choice to act on it or not. When you were taken over by the spell, it gave you the courage to do what you wanted to do, and as rough a time as we had while you were under the spell, I can honestly say I'm not sorry it happened, because it helped you realize what you wanted and conquered some of your fears that would have held you back otherwise."
Having said my piece, I decide that it's time to give him some space to absorb and ponder what I've told him. "Do what you want with the information, Thomas. I won't push you into something that you truly aren't ready for, but I can't let you go without a fight either. I'm sorry if that's not what you wanted to hear, but I do love you and I'd never forgive myself if I let you just shove me away now." Kissing his cheek as he's yet to turn fully to look at me, I let it be for now. "I'm sorry I hurt your feelings, but I'm not perfect, not by a long shot. I do make mistakes, and I do have faults, and I can't promise to never screw up or never hurt your feelings again, because it will happen, but I promise to try my best to fix it when it does and learn from it so I don't make the same mistakes again."
I head back out to the dining room to finish my dinner. Although my appetite is all but gone, I know that not eating will not help me complete the healing that my body still needs. I'm not at all surprised to see that Pina and Dar, in spite of being finished, have waited. I'm certain that they heard every word, but are waiting to find out how it went. I simply shrug at them and return to my plate. Under my breath I tell Pina, "Odds are, he'll have a lot of questions for you about the bond later or tomorrow." She nods and I attempt to finish my meal.
