TOMMY
I wake up in the morning, feeling better than I have in a very long time. Zedd's still in bed with me and, for no real reason whatsoever, it makes me smile. The sun is just coming up but maybe he won't mind a very special wake up call. I push the covers off us and let my gaze roam over him. I decide to throw caution to the wind and do what I want. My hands wander over him even as I'm pressing kisses to his chest. He sighs in his sleep, making me grin. Once he's ready, I work my way down and slowly take him in. He moans and shifts, still asleep. I take my time, experimenting with small changes and paying close attention to his reactions.
I really want him right now, but I tell myself to wait as I continue to explore. I want to make the most of this opportunity and I'm not going to be able to if I skip ahead. Sure, Zedd would let me do this when he's awake, but I like the subconscious responses I'm getting. I can tell he's getting close and I ease up, wanting this to last a little longer. Not to mention that it's kind of a thrill to see if I can still get him off while he's sleeping or if he'll wake up this time.
Finally, I decide to grant his body a bit of mercy and finish him. I take him deeply and in moments, he finds his release. As he cries out, he says something - but it isn't my name. Stunned, I slide off him and hastily fix his clothes and pull the blankets back over him. Swiftly, I wash, dress, grab my staff and leave the room without looking back at him. Who in the hell was he calling out for?
I head down to the kitchen. I can't ask Dar or Pina about this and I don't want to ask Zedd. Even if they are - all of them - less shy than I am about sex related stuff, I'm pretty sure that calling out the wrong name is still a screw up and I really don't need to embarrass Zedd like that. Once there, I accept the coffee that Dar hands me and return to my thoughts as I eat automatically.
I know he can't help what he dreams about any more than I can, but it still hurts. Considering what I was doing at the time, odds are it's a former lover that he was dreaming of. Which is fine. I mean I've had dreams of that nature before, I get it. So why the hell is it bothering me so much? Out of the blue, I remember the conversation I had with Zedd when I told him that I'd compared him to my former girlfriends. He'd made the remark that it would be difficult for us to be proper mates if I was pining for someone else and the reverse would certainly hold true as well. I know he said that he loves me, but am I just a - substitute for someone else? Maybe even someone he can't have? Does he even know? Do I want to know?
The idea that I'm just filling in turns my stomach and I abandon the rest of my breakfast. I grab my staff and head out the door, having not said a word to the pair in the kitchen. I need to let this go. Again, I remind myself that he can't control what he dreams. Once out front, I stretch out and begin doing some katas, hoping that I'll find my center before I have to face Zedd.
I completely lose track of time as I go through one kata after another. I'm somewhat calmer now, even if I'm still hurt and aggravated at myself for being hurt over again something he can't control. Trying to shake those thoughts away again and refocus, I'm just about to try a brief meditation when I hear Zedd speak behind me. "Morning, Thomas. You should have woken me up if you wanted to get an early start."
And that just twisted the knife that he doesn't even know is there. "I tried - kind of. When you didn't, I decided to let you go ahead and sleep." More or less. It was actually less a decision and more of an escape.
"You should have tried harder then. I rarely need a lot of sleep." His arms sliding around my waist, he presses himself against my back, kissing my neck teasingly. "Don't like waking up without you there, didn't get a pre-breakfast kiss or snack." Really? Just really? I hear the playful tone and I'm well aware that he doesn't know what happened this morning.
"I'll remember that for next time. Since you're here now, are you ready to practice?" He looks at me oddly at the terse tone I'd let slip. "Sorry."
"Thomas, what's wrong?"
I remind myself that I'm not going to ask. But, again, what if he's just settling for me because there's someone out there that he can't have? I try to skirt the issue for now. "Just thinking about some things, Zedd."
He studies me for a minute and I can't meet his eyes, afraid of what I'll see there. "Whatever it is that you're thinking about is upsetting you and you won't be able to practice effectively if you can't focus and that's crucial to you learning to use your staff properly."
"Maybe now isn't a good time to practice." I doubt I could really focus that much anyways at the moment.
"While I agree practicing this type of skill while upset isn't a good idea, unlike regular sparring, I'd still like to know what's wrong. You were fine last night when we went to bed. What happened since then? Did you have a bad dream again?" I suppose that's close enough to the problem. "Please talk to me, love. I can't help you if you won't talk to me and if it was another nightmare perhaps I can help you through it. After all, what kind of mate would I be if I let you suffer through the night tossing and turning."
And that's like a slap in the face. I force myself to look up at him, certain that his expression will tell me what I need to know. "It wasn't me who was tossing and turning. Who's Annwyl?"
He pales and stammers, "H-how did you-? Where did you hear that name?"
Oh god. I am filling in for someone else, someone he's pining for. No wonder he was dreaming of them while I was- I take a step back from him. "Never mind. I know what I needed to know."
I turn away, intent on heading into the castle, but he grabs my arm. "No, you don't know anything - you just think you do."
I know that I'm hurt and, right now, all I want to do is lash out myself. Because I do care, though, I don't want to do this when I'm apt to say something that I'll regret. "Just stop, Zedd. I think we both know that you'd rather be with them and I'm - filling in."
"Thomas, no. I love you. I've told you this and that I want you to be my mate. You aren't filling in for anyone, I'd think you'd know me well enough by now to know that I would never use you as a substitute for someone else." He did not just seriously try to turn this around on me. He is not that stupid.
"Except my name isn't the one you called out this morning" I answer dully. "I know you can't help what you dream, but if you're longing for someone else-"
"I'm not. I don't even know how you-" Sudden realization dawning on his face I know he now realizes just how I came to hear that name. "This morning, when you said you tried to wake me you…oh hell." Yeah, hell is right. Shaking his head he continues quickly, "Look, Thomas, you're right in that I can't control my dreams - any more than you can. I'm so very sorry that you were hurt, but it wasn't intentional by any means. Please let me explain."
"Who is it?" This is the thing I need to know above all else. I have to know what ghosts from his past I'm going to have to deal with if he's telling the truth.
"Thomas I don't think now-"
"Who, Zedd?" Not backing down as my hurt starts to give way to slight anger now, I stare him down determined to at least know what I'm up against here.
Zedd's voice softens in a way I don't like. "Annwyl was my first lover." Pain engulfs my heart. He continues, still speaking softly, with a tinge of pain of his own. "We were lovers for almost ten years."
"Oh."
"Don't look so downhearted, it was hardly some great romance." Despite his words, the look on his face in a way implies otherwise.
"What happened?"
Shrugging, he averts his gaze to his own staff, held rather tightly in his hand now, using it as almost a distraction it seems. "We were both young, both from very prominent families, his parents weren't fond of me though, in fairness mine weren't overly fond of me either. I was a bit rebellious, I didn't like being told what to do, wasn't interested in much of anything so as a result when I wasn't with Annwyl, I was getting into trouble. My father decided to send me away for a while, get me away from the bad influences in the city, in reality I think it was more to do some damage control on the reputation I was giving our family. Either way I wasn't even permitted to come back and visit for more than a year. While I was gone we traded letters and calls as often as we could sneak them in. When I was finally allowed to return to the city, I couldn't wait to see him - be with him."
Oh god. Not only am I competing with his first love and lover, but another male to boot - and Eltarian, no less. Feeling like I've already lost, I say, "Go on."
"While I was gone, somehow he'd bonded to someone else. I pointed out that bond mates weren't always mates and that there was no reason that we couldn't pick up where we'd left off. That's when he told me that they'd - become mates two days before - without ending things with me first. I had every right to challenge his new lover but, knowing that they were bonded, I couldn't bring myself to do that to Annwyl because I'd have - at the time - killed him without a second thought. I walked away instead. I wish I could say that I'd never looked back, but I did. I wasn't even out of the garden when his mate was holding him - and it was my biggest rival, no less. I'd beat that worthless bastard at everything we'd gone after, but he still won in the end. He took the one thing I actually cared about and he knew it. I headed straight to a bar - and didn't really see daylight for a week. If I wasn't drinking, I was fighting. If I wasn't fighting, I was sleeping."
He sighs. "One night, I woke up and got ready to go out. I was told I had visitors. I didn't really care, as all they were doing was cutting into my drinking and fighting time. Nevertheless, I was raised with some manners so I went to see who it was. It was Annwyl's parents. It turned out that they'd known that he and I had been together. They wanted me to hear what had happened from them. Annwyl's mate had been attacked - tortured really, I found out later - and he was hovering on the brink of death and Annwyl wasn't much better off still being so young and freshly bonded. They asked if I knew who would do such a thing to their boy and his mate. It felt like they were accusing me and even more so when I wanted to see him and they refused to allow me. Their refusal sparked my anger again and I asked why I should help them if they wouldn't even let me see my mate one last time. They said he wasn't my mate, but he cared for me so I should at least do the same and help them find those responsible. Apparently caring in their minds meant getting rid of me as I found out it was partly Annwyl's idea I go away for a while. He'd voiced concerns to my family about my increasingly reckless and improper behavior when I went out and suggested I go…study abroad is the term I think you use on Earth."
Taking a breath he says something which I'm sure is a curse in his own language before continuing. "Anyway I gave them a few names, people that I knew didn't care for either of them - particularly due to their treatment of me. Society being what it is, whispers started - saying that I'd done it or had it done. I hadn't, I won't lie and say the thought hadn't crossed my mind once or twice, but I never went through with it, and there was no proof to even remotely connect me to it, but that didn't stop the accusations and rumors. As I said I was young, rebellious, and by that point quite angry at everyone and everything… people accusing me of something like that thinking that I could hurt someone I cared so much for, it was sort of my snapping point I guess you'd say. I felt that if everyone thought that I was capable of doing such a thing maybe I should just go be the person they thought I was. It wasn't long after that when I joined the alliance, letting my hate and rage fuel my ambitions for power so that it would silence my critics."
"What happened to them?" I ask quietly.
"The last I heard some centuries ago, his mate died not too long after I left and Annwyl was in a long term care facility, never expected to wake again." Once again, I remember comparing Zedd to a wounded animal and here was the proof. This is why he's always afraid that I'm going to leave him, in spite of the bond.
My train of thought jumps and suddenly I'm angry. They hurt him. Of course Zedd never bonded to him - Zedd's mine. Centuries before I was born, he was meant to be mine and they hurt him. My grip tightens on my own staff. How dare they? That - cheating slut and his boyfriend - death and coma are too good for them both. They deserved to live in misery forever for this. I vaguely realize that I'm growling low in my throat, wanting nothing more than to hurt them the way that they hurt Zedd - and more. I'm not really paying attention to anything but my own rage - not even when Zedd speaks again.
"Calm down, Thomas. Take it easy."
"Why?" I snarl. "They hurt you! Nobody hurts my mate and gets away with it - not while I'm around. I won't stand here and do nothing, Zedd!"
"First of all, Thomas, there's nothing you can do - not anymore. Second, you weren't around when it happened - and wouldn't be for hundreds of years. Third, you need to calm down. You're pulling power into your staff and if you aren't careful, you could hurt both of us." I look down at the weapon in my hand, momentarily surprised to see it glowing very brightly. Zedd doesn't come any closer as he speaks again, suddenly looking almost nervous as his eyes remain on my staff. "Your power isn't the same as mine, I can't pull it for you as I could if it was dark power, so you need to listen carefully. You need to discharge the power before it overloads the staff. Aim it toward the sky so that you don't damage anything. Once released, it'll either hit something or return to its origin harmlessly, hopefully the second option."
I move to do as he says, but before I can get it clear of everything, it - basically - goes off. "Shit!" The bolt hits one of the turrets on the castle, raining stone and mortar down on the lawn. Somehow I'm not surprised when Pina and Dar come running out to see what's going on. I stare at what I've just done, stunned by the amount of power that I didn't even know I had. In a way, it was almost - satisfying. Realizing now why Zedd had stated that using power outside of a morph is a completely different matter, as well as why Zordon did not want us doing so, I can see how this could definitely become a threat one's enemies.
"And that's why we said that you need to practice - a lot" Zedd remarks dryly. No kidding.
