ZEDD
He what now? Okay, as he would say, first thing's first. His distress and upset is obvious enough - even without the bond, so getting him settled down is my main priority at the moment. Closing him off from my side of the bond again, still slightly aggravated he managed to make me lose enough concentration to shove his way in after I specifically told him not to, I shove my feelings back over what did occur once more. "Thomas, love, calm down. It's not as bad as you think, I promise. Come on, mate, breathe for me."
His eyes are watering, but I can't tell if they are tears or simply from the force of his being sick. I stroke his hair even as I grab a napkin from the counter so he can wipe his mouth. "I can't. Oh god. So sorry Zedd."
I'm really too tired for this, but for my mate's sake I make my voice as firm as I can, cutting him off from another round of self-recrimination. "Thomas, that's enough."
"But-"
"Listen to me. I'd really rather not go into this right now, but you're giving me no choice." I take a deep breath and get my runaway emotions under control. "Thomas, love, I promise you things were nowhere near as bad as you're imagining right now. The only reason I'm even as distressed as I am at the moment is mostly due to anger at myself for being so careless in the first place and feeling guilty about what did occur even if it wasn't by my own choice."
"If I hadn't made you mad that morning, you wouldn't have been distracted and you would have most likely taken me with you. You wouldn't have been put through any of this." Oh honestly now.
Resisting the urge to roll my eyes, barely, I try to keep my response as calm as I can. "Thomas it was my own damn temper that made me storm off without thinking and my own carelessness that got me captured. You got to me as soon as you could and thankfully it was soon enough to save my life, that's what counts. Not what did happen before you got there, not how bad it was, and not fifty different 'what if' scenarios."
"How bad, Zedd?" I can hear the sorrow in his voice. While I understand the depression and upset of not being able to protect your mate, taking the blame on himself won't help anyone either. "And please - don't lie to me. Just - tell me."
"He didn't take me, Thomas, which is what you really want to know." He rests his head on the edge of the trash can, no doubt trying to get his own roiling emotions together. "He did touch me and put his mouth on me. He wasn't lying when he said he knows me and has learned me well over the years. He still remembered perfectly well what to do and how to do it to get to me, however by the time you got there he'd realized those tactics weren't working, thus the torture."
"But when I got though the bond-"
"You were pushing me and I'm still not perfectly healed yet. Just like how you didn't want me pushing to get through when you were blocking me after you first arrived here, I was still thinking on what had happened and feeling rather guilty for giving in to it despite not being able to stop him. You just jumped to the conclusion that what I was feeling was because of something worse since you've yet to feel much of anything aside positive emotions and rage from me so far."
"So if he did all that, why didn't he just…"
"He wanted to take me, tried to get me to cave to it, but I wasn't having it and apparently forcing me that way would have somehow gone too far."
"What?"
"I think that, since he wanted me in his bed again, he realized that I certainly would never have gone willingly once he forced me. Beating me and making me ill was preferable, I guess."
Shaking his head and looking as if he can't grasp this completely, I realize again what completely different pasts and lives we've had before now. "But he did force you."
"It's different." When he doesn't look pleased by this, I heave a sigh and try to think of a way to explain it better. "Think of it like this, what happened to you at that damn place on Earth, as upsetting as it is, would it have been worse had I not gotten there in time to stop them from fucking you, or would it not have made a difference to you in the end?"
"That's not the same-"
"No, but it's the only way I can think to present it to you so you'll understand. What happened, I can deal with, as I said I mostly feel badly because I feel guilty he managed to get to me so easily." Deciding to leave out my initial confusion and misunderstanding that I thought it was Thomas while I was only half conscious, I again shove my guilt back deciding to again deal with it later. Seeing as he's finished being ill for the moment, I pull him gently into my arms. "I have no doubt in another day or so - had he not decided to make me sick - he'd have lost his patience and forced me. It's all right, Thomas. You saved me from the worst."
For the first time since just before he got sick he looks at me, studying my face. "You're still not telling me something."
"Love, if you care about me at all, you will let it rest for now. As I said I already feel guilty enough over what occurred, even though logically I know I shouldn't, I do, and it's not a feeling I'm even remotely used to. So for now, just let it be, please."
Remaining silent long enough that I'm almost certain he'll deny my request, it's only when he gives a very slow, very thoughtful nod that I realize for the moment his feelings and my guilt will be spared. Finally, he slowly pulls himself off the floor. I stand as well, wondering what's going through his mind right now. He holds his hand out to me and I take it. "Come on."
I let him lead, dreading the idea that he might be headed back to the dungeon and as much as I don't want to, I will have to deny him that if that's what he has in mind, as truthfully I'm just not up to watching him beat the hell out of my former mate again. Instead, thankfully, we end up in our bedroom. Oddly, this time he's the one who locks the door. He sits me down on the bed and assures me he'll be right back as he heads into the bathroom. I can hear water running - first in the sink and then in the tub. "Thomas?"
He comes out a minute later, still more pale than I'd care for. Still, when he speaks, his voice is calm and quiet. "Just a minute, Zedd, please." Gently, he undresses me and leads me into the bathroom. He nudges me toward the filled, steaming tub. "Get in."
I hesitate for a moment and see that he's pulling his own clothes off. Recalling all too well his panic attack the last time he attempted this idea, I try to stop him and make certain I'm not going to have another episode of heaving and distress on my hands. "Thomas-"
Shirt still in hand, he points at the tub, look brooking no resistance. Fine, but if he vomits again I'm not cleaning it up. I ease myself into the water and I can't help the sigh of contentment as the heat seeps into my bones. In another minute, he's climbing in behind me. Once he's settled, he pulls me to lie back against him. Seated between his legs as I am, I can tell that he's not aroused at the moment, most likely only needing the comfort of being close right now.
He picks up a cloth, wets it and runs it over my chest and arms over and over, being careful of the few still healing spots I have. His touch is light and soothing and I relax against him. As I do, I become aware that he's trembling slightly. This isn't upsetting him, is it? Still blocking him slightly as my own troubles are still too close to the surface to let him in yet, I have to do my best to figure out what's wrong without the aid of the bond. "Thomas?"
"Shh. Relax, Zedd. I'm fine." He kisses my temple lightly. There's no hint of fear or nervousness in his voice so I try to do as he's asked. Lightly, I stroke one hand along his leg at my side, which earns me another kiss. We settle into a comfortable silence, simply enjoying each other's company and comfort and touch.
After a very long time, he speaks quietly. "Sometimes this - us - scares me." I cock my head slightly so that he knows I'm listening. "This happened so fast and it's so deep and powerful - especially compared to the shadows of relationships I've had in the past. I know what I feel for you and I know you don't need to hear the words, but it bothers me that I can't say them. I thought I loved them, I really did, but they always fell apart and usually not all that long after we - became intimate. Not that I slept with all of them, but still."
As much as I really don't want to hear about his past mates, I realize that this is important to him so I let him continue uninterrupted. "When we had our misunderstanding, I said something wrong. That was when it occurred to me that most of my relationships hadn't even lasted six months. One of them, Becky, I had heard her bragging to one of her friends about me. Things like how I didn't fall asleep right after sex like her friend's boyfriends and how I was a great cuddler. Two months later, she broke up with me saying that I was too clingy. The girls that I did sleep with, they almost always broke up with me a couple of months after we started sleeping together. That's what had me wondering if I was, well, not performing well for them."
He sighs deeply and continues. "And I know that I'm not just a novelty for you. But I do think that, like you said, it is partly because this is so new that you're so easily distracted. I'm sorry that I upset you, Zedd."
I take his hand and press a kiss to it. I keep my voice soft as well. "Forgiven, love, of course. I shouldn't have jumped to the conclusion that what you were saying was about me or us. I told you before, when we were in the kitchen that night after I was recovering from the flu, I'm not perfect love. I can try as hard as I possibly can to keep my temper and not hurt your feelings, but that's all I can do, is try, because I know I'd be lying if I said it would never happen. It will, and I will feel horrible about it afterwards, however all I can do is promise to learn from it and try to make it up to you. I won't ever physically lash out at you, Thomas, but if you make me mad enough I will leave until I can calm down enough to be reasonable again. That's why I left without you that morning, I had to calm down before I said or did something that would make it worse. I wasn't trying to punish you or disregard what you were saying, I just had to calm down and get myself together."
"I know, Jason used to do the same thing. I was always one to stay until it got to the point of a physical altercation, Jason never would though, he's like you, he has a temper, but he knows it and tends to walk away before it can come to the surface."
"I like Jason, surprisingly" I admit, hoping that the former Ranger will actually be around some when we do follow Thomas back to Earth for a bit so he can handle his affairs. "As far as your breakups go though, is it possible that there was something else going on at the time? Something that actually had nothing to do with your mating? Maybe some other stressor?"
He thinks about this for some time before he answers, "I don't know how relevant it is, but once we'd sleep together and I'd tell them how I felt, we'd start spending a lot of time together - like almost constantly when we weren't in class or working, but that's just what couples do. Especially younger couples in college." Starting to get an idea of what the problem might have been now, I make certain to keep my tone neutral as I venture a new question.
"Didn't you say the other Rangers weren't around much when you were in college?"
"Yeah, we all sort of went our separate ways because we all had different career paths we wanted to pursue." Uh huh. Recalling very well how much time he used to spend with the other Rangers before my time being their main opponent ended, how it was almost impossible to ever find any of them separated from the group, especially Thomas, I realize, even if he doesn't, how such a transition from always having someone there to having no one could have affected how he behaved with his mates.
Deciding not to hurt his feelings by informing him of my theory on why his former mates perhaps considered him clingy, especially if he actually was, I offer a much more flattering opinion. "Perhaps that's when they really started to get to know you and realize that you were too good for them."
He snorts. "Whatever."
"Well, all right. How about that's when they realized that the two of you weren't as good a fit as they - and you - thought?"
"Better." He wraps his arms around me and squeezes me lightly. We're both quiet for a minute before he speaks again. "You do understand that if I lose you like I almost lost you a few days ago, it will utterly destroy me, don't you?" If that doesn't translate to 'I love you', I don't know what does. Before I can react, he says, "Water's getting cold and you aren't fully recovered yet."
He sits me up and quickly gets out, wrapping a towel around his waist and snatching up another for me. In a few short minutes, he has me dried and wrapped up. Thomas gives me a gentle push toward the bedroom. "I'll be there in a minute, mate."
I hear the tenderness in his tone and turn to do as he wants even as he turns and pulls the plug. I toss my towel into the hamper and climb into bed. It's not long before Thomas joins me, lightly capturing my mouth, before asking softly, "Tired?"
"Not enough that I'd turn down time with you."
"Good." Smiling, his hands drift over my skin, slowly arousing without teasing.
Letting him caress me much as he had earlier in the bath, I try to grasp the idea of what he's doing with the lazy almost calm touches, not used to such a slow pace without the added frustration and teasing, but certainly not opposed to it. "Thomas, yes."
After several minutes, he finally positions himself and enters me slowly. He settles himself above me, moving slowly as he continues to kiss me interspersed with loving whispers and light caresses. Slowly it dawns on me that he's doing what the humans call 'making love' - and I can absolutely see why they'd name it such a thing. Now that I understand what he's doing, I begin to do the same for him.
I fear that I've caught on too late for him to join me, however his answering moan suggests otherwise. As we both get caught up in the moment, he increases the pace, fanning the flames in me. I murmur, "Thomas, with me? Please?"
"Yes."
A few strokes later, I can't help the reminder. "So close, Thomas."
I can hear the slight strain in his voice. "I'm with you, Zedd. Go ahead."
I tighten up and can feel him swell in me even as my own rush begins and our cries mingle around us. He stays where he is, feathering my face with kisses as we slowly come down from our high. Once he slips free of me, he gives me one more lingering kiss and grabs a nearby towel. Once we're cleaned up, he lies down and pulls me to him. "I know this isn't how we usually do this, but I'd really like to hold you tonight."
I'm more than okay with this and tell him so. Softly so as not to disturb the mellow mood, I ask, "Why?"
"Because I can't say the words yet and, even though I know you can feel it through the bond, I wanted - no - needed to show you how much you mean to me, kalleimat."
I smile at the Eltarian word meaning 'most precious'. It's actually a fairly rarely used word these days, being from an older dialect, but somehow I'm not completely surprised that he would find it and use it. "Research that, did we?"
"Maybe a little" he admits. "But none of the words I have in the languages I know felt quite right."
"Now I have to find an endearment for you" I respond, the teasing complaint almost completely wiped out by a yawn.
"Tomorrow, mate" Thomas answers tenderly. "And, coming from you, my own name would be an endearment." His own name? I realize he means the child's name that everyone else calls him.
"Not a child, Thomas, a man." I can feel myself losing the battle against sleep and drifting off even as I struggle to finish my thought. "My man. My equal."
"My mate" he agrees. The last thing I'm aware of is the kiss to my forehead.
