ZEDD
I stare after my mate. He says that a quick apology isn't going to fix it, but when he won't even give me the time of day, how can I apologize right? Maybe after everything's handled tomorrow since I'm fairly certain that I'll not see him tonight. Sighing heavily, I leave the room, giving the equipment a fairly evil - but useless - glare.
I head in the general direction of the kitchen, as it's nearly lunchtime. As I get closer I start to pick up the conversation. Pina's the first one I can make out. "Tommy, you really need to make sure you get some sleep tonight."
"Excuse me?" Uh oh.
"Beotie, honey, you look exhausted and not knowing what's going to happen tomorrow, I'd really feel better if we were all well rested in case things turn ugly."
"But if I can get this research done, it might prevent things from turning ugly" he protests.
"And there's no possible way for you to finish it before they get here" she answers firmly. "I appreciate what you're trying to do, I really do but realistically even if you and Dar worked around the clock for a week, you're not going to get through everything."
Silence. "It's not about trying to get through everything, Pina. I'm just hoping to find the right thing in time. I know I can't get through it all, but if what I can get through has the answer that you need-"
"Then the answer will still be there once we know what they want" she replies gently. "You and Dar - both of you are working so hard and it might not even be necessary. I would feel much better if you both stop working in time for dinner and leave it alone for the rest of the night. You and Zedd need to make up so that you both rest properly. I need you all at your best."
I can hear the suspicion in his voice. "Did Zedd put you up to this?" Really now?
"No, he didn't. At least try and put it aside for tonight. After the problem is resolved, you can go back to being mad at him if you really want to."
He's quiet again for a long minute. "I don't want to be mad at him at all. But I'm not going to let him command me like a child or minion."
"And he shouldn't. But you also have to realize that he only did it out of concern most likely. Well, that and it's a new relationship and he'd like to spend more time with you."
"I can't."
"Can't what? Spend more time with him? Why not?"
"Because." I roll my eyes, knowing his reasoning and not liking it at all.
Once more there's a long silence before Dar speaks up. "You do understand that the bond makes this different from any other relationship you've had before, don't you?"
"So I've heard."
"It's true. If you learn to use the bond, things will be easier between you than you think."
"What?"
Pina says, "Tommy, when you get angry or hurt or frustrated at Zedd, your way of lashing out is by closing the bond. Andros did say that you can't let your emotions overwhelm you, to extend your emotional control but-"
"But not so much that I'm unreadable to my mate. Yeah, I remember that."
Dar continues. "By closing the bond completely like you do, Zedd can't be sure what you're feeling and why so he's going to feel like he's, well, trying to navigate a mine field blindfolded. Now, we aren't saying that you can't ever block him out, but as often as you're doing it, pretty soon it's going to carry no weight."
There's silence for a long time. "Kind of like one of my ex girlfriends. She had this look that she'd use whenever she wanted to get her way. After a while, it didn't work any more."
"Exactly" Dar agrees. "It's not always a bad thing to let Zedd feel how hurt or angry you are and the reverse is true too. Think about it this way - are you going to learn faster if he just tells you that you hurt him or if you can feel just how hurt he really is?"
"Point taken." I push open the door just as he says, "But that doesn't mean that I'm ready to make up with him just yet."
"Ah, we must be discussing my wonderful self" I say to the room at large, ignoring the collective snorts and eye rolls. "I'm ready to receive your adulation."
Dar sighs. "How about lunch instead?"
"That'd be good too" I agree. "How are things going in the research department?"
"I've contacted several informants and no one can give me any information so we're still flying blind here."
I frown. I don't like going into a situation with no information at all. Reluctantly, I ask, "Have you tried Zordon?"
"Waiting to hear from him now." Once more, I get the feeling that he's going to be all of no help.
"What about-"
"I haven't called her and I won't unless it's absolutely necessary." Good. After all, it's not like the witch hasn't screwed up things around here enough.
Pina addresses me next. "So, since we can't really move forward on this, I suggested that Dar and Tommy stop their work at dinner time and just relax and unwind for the rest of the night. Since we don't know what they're after, I'd much rather everyone was rested and ready in case things turn against us somehow."
"If I have anything to say about it, Scorpina, they will not be making you do anything you don't want to do and I have no doubt that your mate and your brother feel the same."
The other two men nod firmly and she swallows hard. "I know and I thank you for it."
"I've told Goldar that I like to think that I've had his back - and yours - when you've needed it. I see no reason for that to change."
Hours later, dinner is over and I'm searching for Thomas once more. Unhappily, I find him in his lab. He's hunched over some papers on a clear corner of his worktable, writing rapidly. "Thomas? I thought Pina said that she didn't want you working on it any more tonight, didn't she?"
"I'm not." Okay, but then what are you doing? "What I'm doing now has nothing to do with Pina or the Rangers."
"Then may I ask what you are doing?"
"Just a minute." He continues writing for several minutes before he puts his pencil down and turns his attention to me. "Not long after the spell on me was broken, we agreed that we had a lot of things to talk about and it seemed like we never got around to it. More than once at the time, I wished that I could make a list of the things that I wanted or needed to address. Now I can make that list, so I've started it. I know that now is not the best time to deal with it, but at least when things calm down a bit and we do have the time, I won't be wondering what I've forgotten or if we get off track we can get back to it."
I take a breath. "That's actually a very good idea, Thomas. Perhaps tomorrow or the day after, I can make a list of my own as well."
"You probably should" he agrees. "But - for right now - you say that you feel that I'm your equal. However, you're still in protector mode, Zedd. Yes, there will probably be times that you'll have to drag me out of my lab when I'm really into something. And there will be times that I won't be able to leave what I'm working on because it might be particularly sensitive. And there'll probably be times you'll have to remind me to eat or sleep. It's not a habit I have, though, so if I am doing it, there's a reason behind it - even if I choose not to share it. That's when I'll need you to, well, help me take care of myself. Not order me around and make demands on me, but make sure that I do eat and sleep and get out once in a while. Especially when what I'm working on doesn't actually demand my attention, but because I'm just so caught up and fascinated with what I'm doing."
"I'm sorry I tried to command you like that. I was just frustrated and concerned and, well, to be honest, feeling a little bit neglected and unimportant."
He starts to say something but stops himself and thinks for a minute. "I don't understand, Zedd. How can you possibly think that you're not important to me just because I've spent a couple of days trying to help Pina? And I don't really understand the neglected part either since you've had my absolute undivided attention every night."
I take a moment so that I don't say this wrong and upset him again. "Yes, Thomas, you've been very attentive at night and as much as I enjoy the mating, I also want there to be more to our relationship than that. And while we're on the subject, I'd like to remind you that our mating isn't just about me getting all the pleasure that you can give me."
He throws his hands up in frustration. "I can't win, can I? I give you extra attention in the bedroom since I'm well aware that we're barely seeing each other and that's wrong but if I don't drop everything then I'm already getting tired of you. What the hell do you want from me, Zedd?"
"Thomas, love, you've misunderstood what I meant." I give him a moment to let this sink in. "You aren't a slave or bedroom pet. Sometimes I'd like to lavish attention on you the way you have me. I feel that's one part of our relationship that's become unbalanced in a way that I'm not comfortable with. Please don't misunderstand. I'm very pleased that you've come so far as soon as you have and you're enjoying it. But, well, I'm not used to being cared for like you've been doing - especially since you don't allow me to reciprocate."
His face reddens suddenly and he looks away. "I see."
I cross over to him and take his hands. "No, Thomas, I don't think you do. Is there something else behind your behavior? Something I can fix?"
"No, of course not" he answers quickly. "I did tell you that there were things that I wanted to try and we agreed to show rather than tell."
I take another breath. "Yes, we did. However, when I agreed to that I didn't realize that I wouldn't be permitted to attend to you in return." Silence falls for a minute between us as we both think about this. An idea occurs to me. "Thomas, you don't think that I'd, well, try something new without your approval first, do you?"
He pauses a beat too long. "It's not so much that, Zedd. There are other things that I'm curious about, but I don't want to do them. And-"
I wait for him to continue. When he doesn't, I prod him gently. "And what, Thomas?"
His gaze drops to our hands, face reddening once more. "It's nothing, Zedd."
"I don't believe you." I let go of his hands and step back. "I told you that I don't want a relationship built on lies and deception."
Thomas swallows hard. "Zedd, I swear I'm not trying to lie to you." He starts shaking as he continues. "The thing is, no matter what I tell you the problem is, you keep assuring me that it's not a problem and it'll be fine. And it might be true for you, but that doesn't make it true for me."
"Whatever are you talking about, Thomas?"
Softly and reluctantly he says, "There's still things that I'm afraid of and there's nothing you can do to fix them. And again, if I tell you what they are, you'll say that it's not a problem and it'll be fine but Zedd, you can't see the future. You don't know that the things that I'm worried about won't happen."
"I suppose not, Thomas, but as you've pointed out before, if you worry too much about those things then you won't be able to enjoy what we have now. While I agree there has to be some concern for the future, it shouldn't be to the detriment of the present. Please tell me what's worrying you. I might not be able to fix it, but at least I'm not in the dark."
"I don't know how."
"Why not?"
"I don't want to hurt you, Zedd."
Taking a breath, I keep my voice steady in spite of my now rising fear. "I'll keep that in mind. Please, Thomas?"
When he finally does speak again, I catch a tinge of fear in his voice, mostly because I'm listening for it. "Even as far as I've come in the last few weeks, you've said that it's only a small part of what we can do. I'm afraid that this is the best that I'll be able to do and one day it won't be enough for you anymore and that you'll get bored with me or be disappointed in me and find someone that can give you the things that you're missing. I know you say that you're happy now, but I'm afraid that I won't be able to keep you happy in the long run. I said that it wouldn't bother me as much if you wanted to leave me for someone else because at least we'd still be something because of the bond and at the time that was true, but I don't know if it is any more." His voice softens even further as he goes on so that I have to strain to hear him. "I said that if I lost you the way I almost lost you when Annwyl had you, it would destroy me. Now I think that if I lose you in any way, it'll destroy me and that scares the hell out of me."
"Thomas, do you really think that I don't have some of those same fears? That it never crosses my mind that one day you'll get tired of my reckless streak and the danger that it often puts me in? Or that you'll decide that you don't want to put up with my temper any more? Or what about when I get caught up in my own work?" I allow my voice to soften as I voice a very real concern of my own. "Or one day I give up fighting you about our mating balancing and just let you do what you want until you start to resent me not even trying to balance things anymore?"
I hear his breath catch. "That wouldn't happen, Zedd."
I shrug. "It could, just like those fears you expressed could happen. You're right, of course, as awesome as I am I cannot see the future. And, while our relationship isn't a job, that doesn't mean that it doesn't take a fair amount of work to keep it functioning correctly. Again, we need to make sure that we're talking about things, not just hiding them and worrying about them. Your concerns are not 'nothing', Thomas, but I feel that you are worrying about things that are far into the future, certainly not next week, next month or even next year."
"You don't know that either. Zedd, look, I've been trying very hard not to let my past relationships rule ours but the fact is that I've only ever had one that lasted more than six months and there wasn't even mating involved."
I sigh, knowing who that was. "However, you also said that in your comparisons of me and your exes, I won every time. If you let it, that will certainly help us be successful. And before you accuse me of it, I'm not trying to downplay your concerns. They are important but, again, not yet."
