TOMMY

Damn it, I'm not explaining this right, I just know it. The problem is that any way I can think of to clarify some of the issues just makes me sound whiny at best and childish at worst. And how in the hell did we get to talking about our mating habits from trying to make him understand that I won't let him control or order me around?

I sigh. "Somehow we got way off track here. But since we are here - I'm not used to it, Zedd, having all the attention focused on me, I mean."

The confusion is plain on the Eltarian's face. "What?" Here we go - I can already tell how this is going to go, not to mention end if our pattern of storming off mid-talk holds up.

"I'm used to making sure that whoever I'm with is taken care of. None of the women I've been with have been interested in taking a more dominant role, which is fine I guess, but you don't seem to feel that way and it's clearly making you uneasy as well as me as it's throwing off what I know and how I know to behave in that kind of situation."

"And how exactly do you feel you should behave?" Zedd questions, still looking as if he's not completely following me here.

"I'm used to being the one taking care of someone else first. It may seem old fashioned or sexist, but I've always been the guy in the relationship until now and I was sort of brought up to believe that you put your wife or girlfriend or whoever's feelings and needs ahead of your own, within reason. I'm - I don't know - secondary, I guess."

There's a long pause as he takes in what I've said. When he does finally speak, I don't know what to make of what he says. "Well, Thomas, that's certainly very - selfless and gentlemanly of you."

Hastily I assure him, "I'm not saying that I didn't enjoy it or that I was neglected or anything. It's just-" I struggle for the words I want. "For me, it's more important to make sure that my partner's needs are handled, that they get their pleasure before I get mine. That way I know I'm not neglecting them and that they're happy and won't…"

"Leave" he finishes calmly.

"Yeah." My gaze falls on my fingers, which I'm twisting nervously as the silence stretches between us.

Finally he speaks slowly. "Thomas - that actually explains a lot."

Not sure what to make of the odd, slightly thoughtful tone in his voice, I can hear my own voice shake as I say, "It does?"

"Yes, it does" he answers firmly. "From the very first time we mated, any time you've taken the dominant role, you've made certain that I'm getting mine before you take yours - even if it's only seconds before." Thinking about what he's said, I realize that he's right. "Thomas, love, I'm not going to leave you because you let yourself give in and take what you want before I do. Nor will I think you neglectful of my needs just because I'm the one tending to you. That's how it should be love, give and take between us, not just you having to give all the time."

"I know but…how am I supposed to take when I don't even know what I'm taking?" At his once again confused look I heave a sigh. "You know what you like, Zedd, you've been with males and females before. I've only been with the one gender before you and again I always took the more dominant role."

"Perhaps that's why you're so fascinated with what I like and, in turn, things you want to try. You're not sure about what all you'd enjoy - regardless of what gender your partner is. The fact that we're both male is leading you into a new field of research, so to speak."

"That's not the only reason," I protest.

"I'm aware of that" he answers quickly. "But I do think that it's a larger part of it than you realize."

He moves closer to where I'm still sitting on the stool, stepping in between my thighs. My heartbeat increases at his closeness as he wraps his arms around my shoulders. I slide my arms around his waist and rest my head on his chest. "I'm not trying to be a pain, Zedd. I'm just not used to being the more submissive partner even if it's only sometimes. You think I have issues now, don't you."

"Love, you do have issues, but that's partly why you keep my life so interesting. Besides we'll work through them in time."

"Maybe."

"Shall we go upstairs and try to get a start on it then? I know it'd be difficult for you, but I'd like to attend to you tonight."

I can't help but recoil slightly at the word. "Zedd, you aren't my slave or pet any more than I'm yours. You don't have to attend to me."

He leans in close, his voice a husky whisper that sends shivers down my spine. "Then let me love you, Thomas. Let me please and pleasure you the way you've done for me. Let me see you so completely lost in what I can do for you that words fail you."

Everything in me screams against what he's suggesting - everything except for one small, whispering voice and this is the one I heed, forcing myself to confront another of my issues head on. "Yes." I push him back just far enough that I can stand up before I kiss him. I'm more than a little nervous about this, but I trust that if he starts to do something that I'm not comfortable with, he'll stop.

It's not long before we're in our bedroom. He turns to me once the door is locked. Slowly, he crosses over to me and draws me into his arms. Knowing roughly what he intends to do has me trembling, both in anticipation and a small amount of fear as I attempt to force myself to relax. He kisses me softly before his lips travel along my jaw and down my neck. I slip my hands under his shirt, caressing his skin for a moment before trying to remove it. He takes my hands, stopping me. "No, Thomas. My turn, remember?"

"But I like touching you, Zedd."

He pulls my shirt off me as he says, "I know, love, but please let me do this for you."

Before I can answer him, he returns his mouth to my neck, quickly finding a spot that has me pressing against him tightly and moaning. I feel his smile on my skin just before he nips me lightly and then gently soothes it with his tongue. My fingers tangle in his hair as I hold him in place, trying to get lost in the sensations.

Zedd's hands slide over me, one working its way between us to rub me through my jeans, and oh hell it'd be so easy to just shove him back onto the bed right now. No, no I can do this, I can- "Touch me, please Zedd."

"Soon." Smiling and pushing my own hand away from his lap, he tsks me playfully. "And here I thought I had trouble keeping my hands off you."

"Want you."

"You have me, love. I'm yours, I've told you, I'll always be yours. Just like you'll always be mine." Hands moving around my back and down to cup my behind, squeezing lightly and pressing me all the tighter against him, he speaks again, his voice soft but rough at once. "Mine, all mine."

"NO!" Terror fills my mind as memories swamp me and I twist away from the tight grip lashing out on instinct and managing to lay a solid hit to his midsection. Moving to attack once more, I'm blocked before my legs are quickly taken out from under me and I land on the floor, hard. Knowing I'm not going to win, I scramble away until I feel the wall at my back. "Leave me alone!" Seeing nothing but the horrible memories, I slide into the corner and draw my knees up to my chest, making myself as small a target as possible. I see the figure coming for me. Oh god, he's going to beat the shit out of me again. I cover my head with my arms, praying that it'll be over quickly. Nothing happens for long minutes. What is he waiting for?

After another minute, I hear a soft voice speaking in another language. Gradually, I realize that the language is Eltarian and the speaker is Zedd. Not John, Zedd. It's Zedd and I'm okay. Slowly, I raise my head and look around cautiously. Remembering where I am and who I'm with, my forehead drops to my knees, tension leaving my body even as I'm cursing myself under my breath at length. I know the pained look he'd had in his eyes is going to haunt me for a long time, just as I know I have just completely and royally screwed up. I wish I could stop hurting him and us.

I hear him slowly sliding across the floor to me. "Easy, Thomas. It's all right. Everything's all right, love."

I feel a few tears escape as I respond. "No, Zedd, it's not. I messed up and hurt you again. I'm sorry."

"No, Thomas, I'm sorry. You didn't do anything wrong, I did." His voice is still soft, but there is an air of command in it. "What did I say or do that set this off?"

The shaking that was almost gone comes back with a vengeance. "Mine, all mine."

I hear him take a breath. "Okay. Was it just the words or how I said it or how I was holding you? All of the above? What part of that triggered the reaction?"

"The words mostly. I know you've said 'mine' before, but you've never put those words together that way before. He did and it just hit me all at once." I know he knows who I mean. "This is part of what I was afraid of, I didn't want to have some panic attack while we were together like that, I didn't want to screw this up again." I flinch sharply when he touches my hand, but I don't pull away. Instead, I find myself needing the comfort of his embrace, but I don't dare ask for it and risk being rejected because I hurt him again or he misunderstands what I'm trying to say once more.

"You didn't screw anything up, Thomas. And what do you mean by again? What do you think you've screwed up?"

"All we've been doing is fighting lately. I know it was petty to not sleep in our bed the other night, but I got so mad when you wouldn't listen to me. Then the stuff with Pina, and your moronic ex hasn't been helping things, and neither is my need to help the kids with Mesogog. I don't want to fight anymore, that's partly why I ignored my worry over this happening, because I miss just being with you and us being able to at least for a brief period of time not think about anything but each other."

"Thomas, the spats that we've been having lately, it's not because of something you've done, it's because we've both been highly agitated and stressed out over what's been going on around us and how we deal with that is fighting. Neither one of us however wants to physically lash out at the other, or at Pina and Dar, so it's somewhat understandable that the more aggravated and frustrated we got the more we fought the only way we could, verbally and with stubborn refusal to be the first to give in."

"I don't want to be stubborn right now."

"Me either. So how about you help me out here, love. Open the bond, even if it's just a little, so I can feel you, okay?"

I'd forgotten that I'd closed the bond after I'd gotten mad at him. But still, to let him feel how needy I am right now… I can't stop the soft words. "I don't want you to feel me right now."

"Why?"

"Because…because I'm not used to feeling like this and I don't like it and I don't know how to handle it and I'm afraid if you see what I want right now you're going to realize what a fucking mess I am." I explain in a rush, almost certain that once he does feel how pathetic I'm feeling he's going to very quickly rethink our stance as equals. "I don't know what to do. Please don't be mad at me."

"I'm not, Thomas. I could never be mad at you over something like this - something you can't control. Let me in, please."

Reluctantly, I do, praying that he's not going to be angry or put off at how much I need him right now. I need more than him to just hold me, but I'm definitely not going to risk asking for even that much, never mind anything else. Once I relax the barrier, I watch him anxiously for his reaction. Thankfully, understanding lights his eyes and he immediately sits down on the floor and opens his arms to me. Without another thought, I launch at him quickly settling into his lap even as his arms tighten around me.

"Shh, it's okay. It's fine, we're fine."

The words come before I can stop them. "Kiss me, please, Zedd."

He hesitates. "Thomas-"

"He never did and it will help. Please?" Lightly he sets his lips on mine. I'm not content with this, however and deepen it, letting him feel my terror leech away in the face of his love and soon, passion. After a few minutes of increasingly amorous kisses, I whisper in his ear, "Take me, Zedd. Now. Help me forget."

Between the two of us, it doesn't take long before we're both naked and on the bed. I don't know what makes me do it, but I roll to my hands and knees knowing this is hardly the 'loving me' way he wanted to go about tonight, but at the moment it's what I know I need.

"Thomas, I-"

"Mating and kissing are the only things that he didn't taint and I won't let him have that too. I want you to do this, Zedd. I'll let you try and take care of me next time, but right now I just can't. I need you and I need this to be hard and fast, please."

Just as I think he's going to refuse me, I feel him move in behind me. "You're sure about this?"

Knowing he can feel my need through the bond now, I still give him a nod. "I need this, Zedd. Please don't hold back." I take a deep breath and relax as much as I can as I hear him doing the same.

"All right, love. If that's what you want."

"It is." Try as I might I can't help the yelp that escapes me as he suddenly fills me in one rather forceful thrust, his hands tightening on my hips.

He pauses for a moment before he sets a hard, fast pace as I requested. And, oh god, he's hitting that spot perfectly over and over. "Hells, Thomas."

Without thought, the words leave my mouth. "Fuck me, Zedd. Fuck me hard." His fingers press into my flesh as his thrusts come harder and faster. It burns a little, but I welcome it because this is ours and nobody else's. Suddenly, I feel myself spiraling out of control and for once I don't bother to try and hold back. "Oh god yes, Zedd. More! I'm gonna-" Words fail me and I cry out as every muscle locks in pure pleasure, intensity aided by his continuing motion across the nerves deep in me. He keeps moving until my muscles relax and my head drops onto my arms, giving him even better access. It's not long before he follows me with a roar of his own, swelling and pulsing deep inside as his fingers dig into my hips hard enough to leave bruises I'm sure and pulls me tightly against him.