Doo Wah Diddy, Diddy Dum, Diddy Doo

Doo Wah Diddy, Diddy Dum, Diddy Doo

An Inuyasha Fanfiction by

Tea Party Hell © Productions

Part 9 Bananas

I turn back to Kagome nervously. "Looks like we've got some company." I say to her with a smirk. Just then, Inuyasha reaches the top of the stairs and walks confidently back into the room, flinging Kagome over his shoulder and heading back out. "What're you doing, Inuyasha?!" I ask, confused. He stops impatiently.

"We're gonna go eat Kagome." He then hurries towards the unknown guests by the door. I follow him in curiosity, observing Kagome's arms as they dangle behind him and slap repeatedly against his back with each step down the stairs. I follow him through the dark crowd to the front porch. "Wait!" I guess it's true: I really couldn't believe this was happening. He is so annoyed this time, when he turns around to face me, he again smacks Kagome's head, this time into the side of the doorframe. He shoots his eyes down to Kagome's face, which now has a stream of blood coming down her forehead. He shrugs. "What do you what?" He asks. The crowd behind me mumbles sounds of equal questioning.

"I just want to know what you're doing with her body. You know, for interview's sake."

"You'll find out." He pauses again. "Eh-You're welcome to join in if you like. If you're hungry that is."

"Hahah! Wooooooow no. I would never let such garbage enter my system." He shrugs again.

"Fair enough. Still plenty for the others." I raise my finger quickly before he attempts to continue transporting Kagome's body.

"And who exactly…are the others?" He smirks, and then heads off to the side of the house. Just then, the people in the doorway march out to follow him, my body like a stick caught upright in a charging stream. They push and shove, and I almost fall over with the camera, but when this crowd of fellow cannibals reach the outside light, I notice an odd resemblance. No, not a resemblance. These are in fact familiar faces.

They cut through some bushes, and into a small field of grass where a lovely bonfire is set up. It burns beautifully under the navy sky as the people crowd around it, including myself. Inuyasha stretches the body, still in bunny-rabbit nightwear, over a long roasting stick. Before anything can be done, Kikyo emerges from the others and struts confidently towards the body, nodding to Inuyasha before she strikes her arm into Kagome and pulls out a beating heart. She holds it daringly in her hands as the broken arteries spew blood in meandering trails down her arms. She then smashes it against her mouth while deep red dribbles down her chin, suckling mercilessly as if she were Akasha, queen of the damned. After her vengeance is complete, she drops the heart sourly to the grass, and fades back into the crowd.

They sit on log-seats and peacefully gaze into the crackling embers. I notice, inch-by-inch, the end of Kagome's pajama-shirt dipping down into the fire, until finally it catches ablaze, and the flames swallow her whole! They all slap their hands over their mouths, making loud American-Indian-esque tribal calls.

Sesshoumaru has a fat bottle of mustard in his hand, while Sango carries barbeque sauce, and Miroku struggles to manage various spices balanced in the folds of his clothing. Mayonaise, pepper and salt, relish, and salad items are laid out in the grass by hands of different size and color. Kanna delicately lays down a set of sparkling silverware over an unfurled fabric napkin. Sauces and dressing, vegetables and casual picnic items are laid out as appetizers as they wait for Kagome to reach a golden brown. I sit in the grass a little ways away, trying to avoid the drifting hot wood chips that blow in the wind and irritate my eyes. But I have to ask myself how all of these people could coincidentally want to eat Kagome as well. The opposing side, rather the enemies, sit in a clique near the right. Naraku holds a salad bowl and chats casually with other villains while his arm is flung over Kagura, Kanna picks at some crackers and dip, but as my eyes wander off to the left, I spot Inuyasha conversing with Miroku. "Inuyasha?" I shout across the fire. He looks over to me nonchalantly, and then excuses himself from his conversing and laughing friends and joins me at the other side.

"You changed your mind, didn't you?" He smirks.

"No actually…I was just wondering…uhm…how did you get nearly all the important cast and your main enemies, and hell, Kagome's own friends to resort to cannibalism with you?" He rolls his neck back to enjoy the view of the clouds as he cackles, again, maniacally.

"Well…I was just gonna mention it to them as a joke to you know, see their reactions, but…ah…if they were cool with it, I was just gonna go from there. " He nods- I try to nod as well, but reluctantly.

"I see." Our mouths flicker smiles on and off, but then resort to a forced laugh.

"Well, I think it's about time we serve the main course." He rises from the grass and pokes Kagome's thigh with a meat thermometer. "130 degrees everybody! She's done!" Him and Sesshoumaru take some oven mitts and haul her out over a sheet to the side of the bonfire. She sizzles and cools in the night-air, when finally, the group begins their dastardly deed.

"Here's to Kagome." Naraku holds up a mug of sake, the other hand with a plate of Kagome's face. "For she never truly knew how much of a pest she really was."

"Here's to Kagome." Sesshoumaru states proudly. "I never knew her personally…but what I do know…is that her right thigh tastes amazingly good with A1."

"Here's to Kagome." Kanna shouts proudly with her soft voice.

"She didn't have much of a personally," Kohaku adds on, "in fact, it was quite a lot like my sister's, but not quite annoying." Sango looks over to Kohaku with agitation engraved in her forehead.

"Well," Sango begins, holding a plate with Kagome's left arm hanging over it. "It makes me sad that anyone would compare me to Kagome, but, for her family's sake, I hope she didn't rub off on any of them."

"Too late for that," I add. They look at me for a moment with confusion, but then their faces grow soft and amused.

"Amen to that," Inuyasha replies.

"Wait a second; who exactly is that girl over there?" Kouga asks, sharing the other thigh.

"I'm the narrator." I state dryly. They stare at me, the food in their laps sitting soundly.

"Oh." The dinner continues. I look all around me. Miroku complains of her chest being too greasy, regretting that he chose it based solely on his perversion. However, Kagura seems pleased with the batter-covered brain-tempura, and Rin gobbles vigorously over a plate of finger-shish kebab. I notice Jaken stuck with toes, a few of Kagome's loser friends picking from place to place at the remaining cadaver, while Inuyasha is seated proudly before a platter of Kagome's ass. It seems Shippo is leaning over his plate with glimmering hungry eyes before the fire, but Inuyasha repeatedly smacks him away.

"Nnnnno! NO!" Inuyasha yells authoritatively to him. He puckers his lower lip and then scampers off to the cadaver off to the side, reluctantly resorting to feast on the entrails, as Sango has already let Kilala run off and get a head start on. The cat-demon thing doesn't seem to mind, while Shippo looks disappointed and set apart from the rest of the crowd. I smirk at the little retard, and then wait, without a word, as the others finish their 'divine' dining experience.

Lots of people wondered where she went after that. A lot of people asked. Inuyasha's only response was "She's on vacation," and the endless trail of excuses continued on and on like when Miranda cut her contract on Lizzie McGuire around the end of the series.

It was weird not having Kagome around. No one to pick on, nobody to be annoyed by. Everybody was peaceful and content, not a lot of fighting went on after that; it must have been that they had formed a bond on that peaceful night that Kagome left the world. No doubt, she didn't deserve to die. Nobody deserves to die. Unless they're evil like Albert Fish or Jeffrey Dahmer. In fact, I would agree with all you readers that this story is sick. But it's the truth. This is what happened at the end of the series.

"Bodies are like bananas. I don't think Kagome was ripe enough."

"Really? I thought she was a little too ripe." THE END

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If you have read this story and have anything to say to me, first consider reading the FAQ below to see if any of your questions can be answered.

Q: You must have no life, right?
A: This is basically some kind of question asking the only reason why they think someone could write something that they disagree with. But hey, you're right. I don't have much of a life. On the other hand, this story wasn't a 400pg epic that I was consumed with for months, so not having a life was sort of just a convenience. I worked on this on and off for a while and had fun with it, like I assume is the situation for other non-serious fanfic writers and their stories. I might not be interested in said 'offendee''s stories either. So should I ask why they wrote them?

Q: What's wrong with Kagome?!
A: She's boring. She acts like any other female anime lead I've ever seen. Why am I singling her out? She seems to be so idealized, even though she's the queen of sues. What makes her a real human at all is missing to me. You can give me any example you want, but Kagome bores me. And when she's not boring me, she's annoying me. And even after a million explanations, and reader's rants about how I'm wrong, I will still sit down at the end of the day, run into Inuyasha on television, and be bored and annoyed for a few seconds before I change the channel.

Q: Well what do you want Kagome to be? A crack whore?
A: Nooooo….I'd like it if she was more realistic. If she could manage things in moderate amounts and actually have problems beyond "oh, I might miss school while I'm off gallivanting with a group of people that shouldn't give a shit about me." Basic human flaws would be awesome, past the point of getting in simple fights with Inuyasha and being mad at Naraku. Those are all predictable and normal.

Q: Do you even know very much about Inuyasha to be making these claims?
A: I used to be an Inuyasha super-fan when I was 14, so yeah, I know what I'm talking about.

Q: Why do you hate people just because they're perfect?!
A: Firstly, hate is a strong word. But I don't hate perfect people, if anything, I hate boring fictional characters. The point of a story is that there is a conflict, one that dramatically changes the character for better or worse in the end. Kagome just seems to be getting closer and closer to Inuyasha's pants. I'm sorry that our tastes don't match.

Q: Well why did you write this fanfic if you don't even like Kagome?
A: Because I dislike Kagome and crew in a very comical way. If you've never wanted to write a satire or make a figure that annoyed you into the butt of a joke, then I imagine you haven't been a writer long and/or aren't having much fun. Besides, I still have a bit of a liking (very small) for some of the other characters.

Q: Why can't you just not watch the show if you don't like it? Why did you have to write this?
A: Because I had FUN writing this. That's why people write stories and submit them to fanfiction dot net.

Q: Are you socially rejected, with no friends and pissed off at the world?
A: I'm actually a pretty happy person. I go to college, I'm working towards a major, I work on more serious writing, and I see a lot of direction in my life. I have a lot of friends. I don't see how disliking a cartoon character means I have to be filled with hatred.

Q: "Do you hate preps, because they are nice and wear colors, unlike you?" (rephrased to make sense)
A: I don't really know where you're going with this. I'm a nice person, and I wear plenty of colors. I don't hate preps, but at the same time, I'm glad I'm not one. Besides, I don't see how 'prep' is the only label considered to be happy and have friends, and everybody's different.

Q: Do you expect everyone else to agree with you?
A: No? You can make the decision between reading this or not; what I think is funny is people will read it even though it's clearly meant to be offensive, just so they can send me rants and try to scare me into taking this story off the site. I don't bother any of you for writing your Inuyasha fanfics, even though I don't understand how you could like it, so what do you think you're doing bothering me about mine? There are other people that dislike Kagome and will enjoy this, if you don't, then here's the smallest violin playing for you. --rubs thumb and index together--

Q: How could you be such a horrible person?
A: You don't need to get offended over a 2-dimensional character being insulted in some story written by someone they've never met before. Furthermore, this is just my humor. It's the fact that cannibalism would never happen and it's ridiculous. In reality, I would not enjoy seeing anybody, even if they were the most annoying person on the planet, being served over an open fire. I don't think I'm a horrible person. If you do, I think you're just getting too upset over nothing.

Q: I read this and I don't like this story! What do I do?!
A: A real Kagome fan would continue their fandom, simple as that. You can't yell at me, because I'm not going to listen to a raving lunatic. You can't reason with me, because I know the show inside and out.