ZEDD
I rise in the morning, having slept little and that was poor at best. Thomas apparently didn't have a nightmare as I'm slightly ashamed to admit I'd hoped he would. So much for that plan I guess. I'm going to really have to keep my mouth and my attitude on a tight rein today - especially if Thomas hasn't regained his memory. The night we spent apart because of our fight was bad enough but to be, well, rejected like that really hurt. I shake my head and get ready for the day.
When I leave my room, I see that his door is open and a quick glance inside shows that he's apparently already up. Perhaps he's already in the kitchen, maybe with his memory intact once more. Hoping for the best, but bracing myself for whatever may happen, I head toward the room in question. Upon arriving, however, I find that my missing mate is nowhere to be seen. I give the couple that are here a questioning look and get negative headshakes in return. Damn.
Miserably, I sit down. So now I have two choices, do I unblock him and find him or do I just let him go until he wants to be found? Even if I do go find him what's to say he'll even give me the time of day though? If I knew what he needed, I would give it gladly just to have him back. Unfortunately, we've blown his view of himself to hell and back and I doubt he knows what he needs right now even if he's determined that it's apparently not me.
Seeing my misery, Pina lays her hand on my arm. "It'll be all right Zedd, once he gets his memory back you know he won't let you out of his sight until he's sure he's made up for hurting your feelings during all this."
"Yeah" I agree mostly just to agree. But I can't help but worry. I mean what if he doesn't get his memory back? Then what? Will he continue to keep me at arm's length? Break off our relationship? Demand to go back to Earth? Refuse to ever see me again? None of these options are workable for me, either as his mate or his bond mate.
Unbidden, a memory returns to me. Dulcea had said, "You think too little of yourself and of his strength." Granted, that was in reference to my using his access to the great power, but she also said that she knew many things. She apparently knew about the spell Rita put on him, so what if she expected something like this - or even something else that has not yet come to pass? I agree with Goldar, this is why we all hate this cryptic crap. I'd love to be able to pin her down to just exactly what all she knows about my mate - and myself come to think of it.
I sigh heavily, ignoring my companions anxious looks. All three of us become alert at the sound of approaching footsteps. Thomas enters and stops short. "Sorry, I didn't know that anyone would be in here."
I'm dismayed at his appearance. "Thomas, you didn't sleep last night, did you?"
"I was busy" he answers dismissively. As Pina opens her mouth to speak, he cuts her off quickly. "I know you said that sleep might help my memory return, but it might not and I was looking at the notes from the most current experiment. There were a lot of little mistakes so I fixed them. Nothing should explode this time. In fact, now the formula should work, I just need to finish building the Tyrannodrone to test it."
"Is that the humanoid creature that you had in the lab before?"
He raises an eyebrow at me. "And I would know this how exactly?" Good point I suppose, but still must he be such a snot about making it.
Sighing and muttering to myself in Eltarian I focus on my coffee determined not to snap at him or say anything to drive him further away from me right now.
Apparently catching my mood nevertheless though he at least amends his statement somewhat. "Judging from the notes, I would say yes, if there was a creature down there before chances are that's what it was. However, the figures that I saw would have made the damn thing unstable. Between its instability and the chemical mix that was designed to defeat it, well, let's just say that we're all glad that things didn't end up worse. And don't ask - you really don't want to know."
"And how do we know that your creation won't get loose?"
He sighs. "It's based on the paper I'm writing about biomechanics. Basically it's a combination of robotics and organic material. Until it's programmed and activated, it's harmless and for these tests, there's no reason to program it, much less activate it." Well, that's something, I guess.
"So what are you doing now?" Pina asks.
"Came up for something to eat and maybe get some sleep. The chemicals that are working right now won't be ready for hours and it really doesn't need to be watched. Also I wanted to talk to Zedd about something, but I'd like to eat first." Oh this should be fun.
Quickly, Goldar sets plates in front of us, inquiring as he does, "So Tommy, why would you even make something like that?"
"My original concept was for them to be used as a teaching tool, not henchmen to take over the world." Now that sounds much more like something he'd do. "Unfortunately if I'm getting the gist of things from you all, what Jason has said, and the notes I've made on the matter, it didn't work out like that as Anton, or whatever alter ego he's created ran off in his own insane direction with them."
Pina continues the conversation. "So tell me more about this 'biomechanics' and how it works."
In less than a minute, the pair of them have lost me, but I'm more than content to watch Thomas. His face has become very animated as he discusses the subject with Pina, and despite feeling a bit left out, I can't help but be slightly pleased to see him momentarily pleased. Since I can't follow the conversation, I allow my thoughts to wander. What does he want to talk to me about? Not knowing has me in a state of nerves, which I'm very careful to hide.
Once the meal is over, he turns to me. "Where do you want to talk?"
"Wherever you'd be most comfortable, Thomas." After all, I don't really care much since it doesn't seem that he's going to be back in our bed anytime soon.
He contemplates this for a minute. "Your room, maybe?" Really now? Well maybe there is some hope after all.
Mentally crossing my fingers and taking a chance, I remind him, "Our room." Swiftly his eyes drop to his coffee cup, but he doesn't challenge my statement even as he reddens slightly. "That's fine, Thomas. Would you like to go now?"
He nods, muttering something under his breath that sounds suspiciously like 'before I lose my nerve'. He follows me and the trip is a silent one. Once there, I have to resist the habit of closing and locking the door immediately, as I don't want him to feel trapped and really when I think about it what would be the point as I'm aware nothing is going to occur that requires privacy. Watching as he wanders over by the window I decide to give him the option nevertheless, "Do you want the door left open?"
He takes a slow, deep breath. "That's - not necessary." Okay.
I close the door and turn back to my obviously nervous mate. "Whenever you're ready, Thomas. There's no rush - except so that you get some sleep."
"Why do you call me that? If we're…together, shouldn't you call me by my name?" This is what we're doing? Really?
"Again with this?" Heaving a sigh, I go with as honest of a response as I can muster at the moment, given my own rather exhausted state. "First of all that is your name. Second, as I've said many, many times before I respect you too much to call you by a child's name and to be perfectly honest I don't know why you prefer to go by the child's version of it to begin with. You're not a youngling Thomas and quite frankly I feel slightly uncomfortable calling you by a name meant for one considering what we do together."
"Yeah about that…" This isn't going to be good. "That's kind of what I wanted to talk to you about."
"This isn't more accusations about how I'm somehow lying to you about our relationship is it? Because as much as I love you I got very little sleep last night and I'm not sure I have the energy to fend off your verbal attacks right now."
"No, it's nothing like that." Well that's one good thing I suppose. He continues to look out the window as he speaks. "Look, I know I was being a jerk yesterday for no good reason and I know I hurt your feelings with what I said. I'm still not sure why or how I hurt them, but I know I did and I'm sorry." That's it? Why couldn't he do this downstairs? He continues before I can comment. "That being said, I've had a lot of time to think and I - need to ask for a favor."
His gaze has fallen to his hands as he twists his fingers. His nervousness is so strong, it's almost a living thing. I keep my voice steady. "Whatever you need, Thomas. What is it?"
"I, um, I - I want you to kiss me." What?! "I know it's an odd request especially after the way I've been treating you, but I really need this right now to help figure stuff out, so please."
Certain I've misheard him, I try to catch up fully with the program. "What now?"
"I want you to kiss me" he repeats with a bit more firmness, but still mostly fear and unease.
"You want me to kiss you" I repeat still trying to wrap my head around his request and sudden change of attitude.
"Yes."
"You went from despising the very ground I walk on, to wanting me to kiss you. You'll forgive me if I'm taken a bit by surprise right now, love." Slowly I cross the room as I turn this over in my head. Why is he doing this? Is he testing me? Teasing me? This feels almost like a trap and honestly I'd think it was if not for how nervous he is. Before I can wonder or question him further, he suddenly breaks out into - giggles. Has he been drinking? Has his mind snapped? This can't be good. Just about to go and retrieve Pina, suddenly I realize - he's nearly hysterical. Immediately I sit down on the edge of the bed and wait, watching him calmly.
After a minute and with a monumental effort, he seems to pull himself together. "I'm sorry. I'm not laughing at you, I swear. It's just, this…all of this, I…this is completely and utterly surreal to me right now and I don't know what to do, and I can honestly say I never ever thought I'd be standing here with you of all people asking you to kiss me."
"I figured as much. Listen, maybe you should get some rest, all right? I think perhaps you're overtired for this right now, Thomas."
This apparently sobers him slightly. "I am tired, but I have to do this."
"Why?"
"If I don't, I won't be able to sleep worth a damn."
"Why not?" When he only looks further upset by this, I change tactics slightly. "Thomas I want to help you, and I'll do anything you ask me to within reason, but you have to help me a bit here first. You've got to tell me what's wrong before I can try and fix it."
He returns to the window. "I know all of you - and even Jason - have said that we're - mates but - no offense - it makes no sense to me. The whole past enemies thing aside, I've never looked at a guy that way before. I'm just finding it hard to believe that I'm attracted to another man."
And abruptly it all becomes clear. This is really no different than when the spell was broken and he had to reassure himself then, too. Well only this time I'm not being punched in the face beforehand. "All right, Thomas."
"All right?"
"Yes, all right. After all this isn't the first time we've had to do this."
"It's not?"
"No. Maybe after you've had some sleep we can talk about it, but now's really not the time."
Looking as if he wants to ask, he thankfully however lets it be for now, apparently still too focused on the task at hand. "Okay so…how do we…I mean…" Wow, really? You'd think he's forgotten how to be with anyone male or female with how he's behaving, avoiding even looking at me now.
Shaking my head, I stand up and cross over behind him, making sure that he hears me coming. I'm also on my guard for any potential flashbacks because that was oh-so-fun the last time. I set my hands on his shoulders, feeling the tension there. "Relax, love. I'm not going to hurt you."
I rub his shoulders for a minute, feeling a bit bad it does little to soothe him, before I turn him to face me. I kiss him gently and he kisses me back, but it seems…automatic somehow. That just won't do. Lightly, I pull him closer and slide my arms around him. Tentatively, his arms creep around my neck. His fingers tangle in my hair as he hesitantly runs his tongue over my bottom lip. Heeding his unspoken request, I open for him, allowing him to deepen the kiss at his own pace.
The groan deep in his chest along with the way he's now pressing just a bit tighter against me makes me want to smile. There we go, much better. Not great, but definitely a step in the right direction at least. After a minute more Thomas breaks the kiss, looking at me in wonder and surprise, sentiments that are echoed by his breathy, "Zedd." And I swear if I was anyone else I would be tempted to refer to his current amazement as cute.
Not wanting to let him go, I lean my forehead briefly against his, glad that he's apparently gotten the answer he was looking for from this, but at the same time rather agitated that I'm still for the most part without my mate. "You have no idea how much I miss you."
Blushing deeply once more, I'll admit his response does make me smile despite my slight depression, "I kind of do given how you're holding me against you." Wanting to tell him he doesn't know the half of it, I don't have a chance as only a moment later he's leaned back in and initiated another kiss. I let him continue to lead for several minutes as he becomes bolder. By all the hells, I want him, but I don't dare push now.
His hands coast over me slowly, if not still a bit nervously, as he permits himself more freedom to explore. I moan into his still very active mouth, unable to hold back either that or the thrust against him. He thrusts back, although I'm not entirely sure if it's on instinct or by desire, not that it matters I suppose. Hesitantly, he cups me and I moan louder, breaking the kiss. "Hells, Thomas."
He doesn't stop his movement on me and by the powers I've missed his touch. It's only been a day and already that's too long. I shouldn't be this needy, but the lack of sleep and my rather childish move of blocking him yesterday certainly isn't helping my self-control. He squeezes me lightly as he whispers in my ear, "How does the bond affect this?"
"What?" Trying to catch up with the program, I do my best to focus on him rather than his hands right now.
"The bond, you said we feel each other and it got stronger when we…did this." A wickedly amusing thought crosses my mind and I abruptly drop the barrier on the bond, letting him get the full effect of what he's doing to me. He gasps and shudders against me, grip tightening as he does. "Oh god!"
Momentarily satisfied that I'd paid him back for the stunt he'd pulled on me when he'd first arrived here, my smugness however is short lived as with the bond now open it's not just him that gets the full effect. I get what it's doing to him too and with a cry I erupt, as I'm fairly certain he is as well. It's been a while since I've needed a fresh change of clothes after nothing more than some heavy petting, but it's worth it. He clings to me as he gets his breath back and his heart rate slows. After a few minutes, I speak softly. "To answer your earlier question, that's how the bond affects it."
"That's…I don't know what that is, but starting to see why Goldar might not have been lying about me yelling."
"I like when you yell" I admit with a slight grin before kissing him on the forehead. "For now though I think we need to get cleaned up, don't you?"
He kisses me lightly before he pulls back. "You go ahead. I think I'll get a shower. Maybe, um, since I haven't slept and you apparently haven't slept much, maybe we could - get a nap together?"
"I'd like that." I grab some clothes and head into the bathroom, quickly cleaning up and heading back into the bedroom definitely in need of some rest. I begin turning down the bed as he goes in next and shortly I hear the water running. It's only a few minutes, however, before I suddenly feel fear, distress, and confusion from him. What is he do- Oh hell, he didn't. In a moment, I'm at the door. "Thomas?"
I barely catch his answer. "Zedd. Help me."
I open the door to find him curled up in the corner and shaking rather badly. "Easy mate, I'm here." Swiftly, I change the water to something warmer and start the shower for him. The sound of the shower seems to help bring him back a little and after grabbing a towel to wrap around him I crouch down to his level and speak softly. "It's all right, Thomas. You're safe. I'm sorry love, I thought you were going to take a shower. Had I known you planned on having a bath instead I would have said something."
After a few minutes, he calms down. "I changed my mind when I got undressed. My back was stiff from being in the lab all night and I thought a bath would help, but then… I don't know, I just lost it. What the hell happened? I've never freaked out taking a bath before!"
"Technically, yes you have. You just don't remember it."
"Why would I lose it over a bath?"
I sigh. There's no way that this is going to go well. "Get your shower, Thomas and then I'll give you the short version so that you can sleep. After you wake up, if your memory hasn't returned, I'll tell you everything you want to know, but I can assure you it won't be a very reassuring story until we get to the part where I save you."
"To be honest that's not the most reassuring answer either."
"I know, but I'd honestly rather not give you nightmares by telling you things that might cause them. I'd at least like you to get some rest first if possible."
Not looking particularly pleased by this, he stands slowly. "Okay, fine but the only reason that I'm agreeing to it at all is because I do need the sleep."
"Understood. Will you be all right?" Reluctant to leave him alone after a panic attack, I however can't help but notice he's yet to remove the towel he's holding around him and very likely won't in front of me now.
"I think I can manage a shower." Suddenly pausing and looking slightly wary, he shakes his head. "At least I'd hope I can. I don't freak out over showers, do I?"
"Not that I've seen, no."
Nodding and standing a bit straighter, he seems to get himself settled once more. "Okay then, I'll be out in a few minutes."
"All right." I stand myself and leave the bathroom, closing the door behind me. I pace anxiously, wondering how short of an explanation I can actually get away with for now until I hear the water turn off. I settle into bed and wait for him to join me.
He comes out a few minutes later and surveys the bed before going around to climb in. "So, um, how do we usually do this?"
I bite my tongue to avoid saying something I shouldn't. Instead, I answer, "Usually you curl up into my side."
"Oh."
"Something wrong with that?"
"No, just…it's just a little weird that's all." So getting me off was fine, but laying against me to sleep is unnerving? Really?
"It's by no means the only way that we've slept, but you said 'usually' and when we do sleep in different positions that's typically how you end up at some point in the night anyways as you seem to be rather fond of cuddling, I believe it's called."
Blushing deeply again, he shakes his head before muttering something I don't quite catch as he attempts to get settled as he normally would.
I wait patiently until he's as comfortable as he's going to get before preparing myself for the explanation I promised him. "Now, the short version of your bath problem. When you were hurt, you were - brain damaged."
Looking surprised, he interrupts quickly. "How brain damaged?"
"You recalled some aspects of who you were, but had trouble performing certain basic tasks, which is why you spent some time in a rehabilitation facility where they actually did you more harm than good."
"That's the place you're referring to when you mention saving me?"
"Yes. Unfortunately I didn't get there in time to prevent you from being hurt further. I'm sorry for that, had I known what was happening I would have gotten to you sooner." Shaking my head and still feeling badly I didn't manage to prevent the pain he'd had to endure there, I tighten my hold on him a bit. "Anyway, it's because of that place that you have some issues with taking a bath."
"Is there anything else I should watch out for that's going to send me into a heart stopping panic?"
"Certain phrases tend to cause a bad reaction, but the ones I know of I won't say to you or around you. You also get upset when I drink or go away on business apparently, but that really doesn't have much to do with what occurred on Earth so much as you just not being happy I'm away, I think."
"Why do I get upset when you drink?"
"You told me it's because you can't taste me, just the liquor" I reply with a slight smile.
He's quiet for a long time. Finally, he says, "I guess that'll do for now, but we will talk more later."
"All right" I agree. "For now though - pleasant dreams, Thomas."
"You too." He shifts uncomfortably off and on for a little while before he finally falls asleep.
