ZEDD - SEVERAL HOURS LATER
Thomas and I have slept through lunch and now I'm in the kitchen with Dar and Pina while dinner is being prepared. I left Thomas sleeping but I fully intend to wake him for the meal. The three of us are talking about business and possibly putting it all on hold while we travel to Earth to avoid the possibility of having to leave while we're there.
I pause in what I'm saying when I feel him through the bond. Contentment, confusion and finally upset before I feel him shut down - not block the bond, just shutting down his own emotions. Not again. Sighing, I stand up. "We'll finish this later. I need to go see what's bothering him this time."
"If he's gotten his memory back, he's probably upset about how he treated you" Pina says.
I head for our room, thinking of ways to reassure him. I open the door quietly. "Thomas."
"Zedd." There's no emotion in the way he says my name. He's still curled up under the covers, arms wrapped around my pillow.
"If you'd rather, you could hold me instead of the pillow" I offer as I sit on the edge of the bed. He simply shrugs in response. "Come on, love. Talk to me."
"I'm just tired of - everything" he answers.
"Like what?" Like me?
"Just everything." I wait, unsure what to do. "I'm tired of hurting you. I'm tired of hurting us. I'm tired of being a problem every time I turn around. I-" He stops and just shakes his head.
"Thomas, love, what's happened isn't your fault."
"We don't deserve each other."
"Wait what?"
"You shouldn't have to put up with all of this and you're better than I deserve with the mess that I am. I've made things harder for you than they should have been. Things would have been so much easier for you if I'd just died that day. At that distance and as weak as the bond was, you'd have probably been fine."
For a minute, terror grips my soul before I can control it. Think, Zedd. Logically, I know what he means, but to actually hear him say it… "And yet, in spite of the difficulties, I've never known greater joy than when I'm with you, Thomas."
He scoffs. "Only you could call all the shit we've been through 'difficulties', Zedd."
"Yes, we've had a few setbacks, Thomas, but what couple - especially a relatively new one - doesn't?"
"I said once that our relationship shouldn't be a job, but it's quickly becoming one for you. A crappy job with lots of stress, emotional pain, no pay and no perks."
"Oh, I wouldn't say no perks. Anything worth having is worth working for, Thomas. I would have been the universe's biggest fool to think that everything would have gone smoothly from day one. Our relationship is moving very fast, Thomas. Fast by your species' standards and extremely fast by my species' standards. Between two Eltarians it can take a century before they move into the mating stage, never mind anything more."
His gaze locks on me. "That reminds me. Why did you say that I was your soon to be husband? We've never really discussed anything like that." His memory is definitely back.
I shrug. "Again, time is relative. To me, as an Eltarian, 'soon' could be anytime in the next few centuries."
"Oh."
"And yes, we have been through - as you put it - shit, but Thomas we don't have a normal relationship by anyone's standards. But then again, we are - neither of us - normal people."
Unfortunately, this seems to make him more depressed - to the point that I'm starting to feel it in spite of his efforts to contain himself. "No, we're not. A former evil lord with twin streaks of mischief and rage and a former human, former Ranger mess."
And right there we've reached my limit for today. "Thomas Oliver, that is enough!" He looks at me startled as I rise to my feet. "I love you but I am tired of hearing you run yourself down every time there's some kind of problem!"
"Okay, but-"
Still irate, I cut him off. "No, no buts! Even when Annwyl captured me, you still tried to make it your fault! As important as you are to me, the world doesn't revolve around you as you yourself stated once!"
I stop abruptly. What in all the hells am I doing? Slightly ashamed of myself, I look at Thomas. I can't read his expression but I'm more than a little surprised to see the corner of his mouth quirk up into a smile. "Wow. I have been a self-centered brat, haven't I?"
"Maybe a bit" I relent.
"I'm sorry. I just - I am tired, as I said, of hurting you and us though."
"It hurts us more when you take it all on yourself - even when neither of us are at fault."
He sighs. "I was so rude to you yesterday."
"Considering the situation, I'd have disappointed if you weren't since you only would have remembered me as an enemy."
"If I ask you a question, will you answer it absolutely honestly? No matter what the answer is?"
"Truthfully, that depends on the question. If I can, I will."
He turns this over in his head for a minute. "If I hadn't been hurt and you'd never have come for me, would you have gotten back together with Annwyl?"
Oh, this is an easy one. "No, I wouldn't have. Or if I had, it wouldn't have been for long." Curiosity lights his eyes and I answer the question I see there. "He's no longer the boy I cared so much for and I don't like the man he's become. Come to think of it, he never was the boy I thought he was. The person I cared about didn't exist."
"I'm sorry. That sucks."
"It does" I agree. "Now, are you all right?"
"Yeah. Thanks for the reality check."
"Anytime, love. Hungry?"
He nods. "I need to check on the chemicals too."
"Not all night, though, right?"
"No, and I'm expecting you to follow me down there and keep me from getting lost time wise. Then, if you want to, we can come back up here and have some fun."
He sounds slightly uncertain. "Sounds like a great idea to me, mate."
Thomas climbs out of bed and digs out some clothes. "And um, by the way, you're the only person that has and will get away with calling me Thomas."
"I've gathered that, but why?"
"I hate it. For one thing, when I was younger, that's how I knew when I was in real trouble with my parents, when they'd use my full name." For some reason, this saddens him, but I don't know why. "For another, it just sounds so - formal and stiff. I'm not thrilled that you use it, in spite of your reasoning behind it. For what we are to each other, the formality feels wrong to me. The only reason you get to do it is because I understand your reasoning. To you, Tommy sounds like a child's name. To me, it sounds casual and comfortable."
I consider this as he finishes dressing. "I suppose I understand your point, but-"
"I don't expect you to call me that if it makes you uncomfortable. And it's not like I've never used it before in a professional or business setting. Just understand that when I'm not in my, well, right mind, I'm going to protest."
"That's become very obvious."
He comes over and hugs me. "Again, I'm sorry. Even if I didn't know who you were or when I was, there was no call to be that rude."
I kiss him lightly. "Forgiven, love, of course. Let's join the others in the kitchen, shall we?"
Once we're all seated for the meal, conversation resumes regarding the Earth trip. I fill Thomas in on our plans so far. He frowns as he considers this. "Well, I certainly didn't intend for you to put your business on complete hold while we're there. Plus, I wanted to get this formula thing figured out and sent ahead so that - hopefully - the Rangers can finish their current problem." He thinks for a minute. "On the other hand, I could see the other former Ranger teams for the holidays like I always do."
A vague memory sparks in the back of my mind. "Isn't that something you humans like to do anyway? Get together with friends and family for the holidays?"
"Yeah" he agrees. "I'll have to get together with Sam and David while we're there, too."
"Who?" Pina asks, looking at me anxiously.
"His grandfather and brother" I answer her. "Apparently, Thomas was adopted as an infant."
"Oh. So then will you want to see your adopted parents while you're there as well?" she asks. I feel the surge of sadness from him again, but why?
"I'll probably swing by and say hello" he agrees steadily.
"Considering they raised you, I'd think you'd want to do more than just 'swing by'" Goldar comments. "Unless you've had some kind of falling out?"
"No, we just - don't talk anymore." Again I feel it. He shoves away his half full plate. "I'm not as hungry as I thought. I'm going down to the lab for a bit. Zedd, come and get me when you're done, okay?"
Swiftly, he leaves the room before I can even respond. The three of us exchange looks and I can clearly see the question in their eyes. "I have no idea." Quickly, I finish eating and head down to his lab.
I slip through the door. He's measuring something very carefully so I wait silently until he's finished. "Thomas-"
"No, Zedd." He adds what he just measured to another mixture in a much larger container. The necessity of the size of the container is obvious as the concoction swells as he mixes it.
"No, what?"
"I'm not going to talk about my parents."
"But-"
"This is non-negotiable, Zedd. Let it go." But how can I when I can tell how much it's bothering him? He checks a few more things before he turns to me. "Okay, this is done for now. I don't have to do any more with it until tomorrow. Ready to go back to our room?"
"If you are, love."
Thomas takes my hand and leads me out of the lab, makes sure that the door is closed securely and then heads upstairs. When we reach our room, he slides his arms around me with a smile. "So - what can I do to make up for treating you so horribly yesterday?"
I pretend to give this some thought. "Let's get undressed and into bed and see where the night takes us."
He kisses me quickly. "I like the sound of that."
