Insomnia
By The Eternity Dragon
Disclaimer:…..XD
Chapter Six
Cold Fire
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"What do I do?"
That was the resounding question that had been troubling Tala for the past week, it was turning into a nagging obsession, he couldn't eat, sleep, or even breath without it churning around in his mind, gnawing away at his subconscious as he tried to busy himself with menial, pointless little tasks that in the end accomplished nothing. In the end what purpose did it serve? What thing had he accomplished? One might argue that these measures where necessary, that he had done the right thing in brining him here, back here, to these people- this place, that memory.
In essence, perhaps the question should have been turned to "What else could I do?"; it was absurd really, like an endless dance, he took two steps forward and Kai took two steps back and turned his head away, eyes closed in utter defiance and defeat. It pained him- no it killed him to see it like that, of course the current situation wasn't helping at all. Kai hated hospitals- he hated tests, he hated experiments, but most of all he hated cold dark corridors of stone with vaulted ceilings and tapering hallways with echo's of dark images that strayed across ones vision like the footsteps of long dead persons.
"Don't panic," he thought desperately, "just don't panic, it never did you any good, so just bloody well stop it."
It was no good of course, he was panicking, and he'd screwed up, badly this time, Kai had altogether stopped talking to-well anyone- and was now at the point of refusing food. Of course he was going crazy! What the hell did anyone expect from him! What the hell could he do that he hadn't already tried? So he had done the logical thing- well 'logical' of course is a debatably issue, he had done the thing he had thought to be 'logical'- what had made sense. Whether or not it was the 'right' decision still remained to be seen, okay, perhaps the word 'right' is too often used in everyday conversation, moral implications of this- these simple words can have catastrophic effects, what does 'right' really mean? Just an expression of what Tala had thought was the 'right' course of action, in that way was it debatable? No- it wasn't damn it, he had done the right thing this time. Regardless of the fact that Kai was glaring at him at him now with such open hostility that Tala was sure in a moment he would surely stride across the room and tear him limb from limb with his bare hands.
"You what?" came the deadly soft enquiry- Tala Valkov would have been a fool to have not caught those toxic stresses on the verbs, Kai was somewhere beyond angry at this point, he was livid with seething anger.
The red haired youth laughed nervously, "Well you see, Justine mentioned it to me, and I thought as you were spending a lot of time being anti-social, perhaps socialising might be a good alternative…" his voice trailed off, and he could feel the first painful prickles of sweat pierce his forehead under that penetrating lavender glare.
A quixotic twist of the lips and a slight narrowing of the eyes, limber and graceful and so damned furious, "What gave you the right?"
Tala raised his chin slightly, forcing himself not to break eye contact, "You know the reason why."
"Bullshit!"
Tala took a step back in surprise, never before had he heard Kai swear in his whole entire life, Hiwatari never showed an outward expression of emotion that anyone could identify as human, he was a living mask, totally unfathomable and untouchable.
Something in this 'predicament' had clearly wiggled its way beneath his friends skin, probing at the mask with long curious fingers, fighting for a way out, the fleeting look in his eyes, the slight twist of the lips, the curling of the fingers as they dug into the fabric of the sofa, the arched position of his back.
"I cannot see him again," came the hissing reply, "I simply cannot!"
"Why the hell not, what did you say to him?"
Tala watched the way that Kai bit down on his sensuous lower lip and scowled so venomously back at him he was sure his companion wished him dead.
"I can't remember."
"Shit, it was that bad?"
Kai shrugged his shoulders in a defensive manner and looked away from Tala in a peculiar display of vulnerability as he blinked hard, a quixotic expression winding its way sadistically over his lips.
"I totally blanked out," he admitted in little more then a whisper after a few moments of prolonged silence, he pressed his left thumb against his inviting bottom lip and bit down gently on the tip in a mixture of comfort and defeat.
"I just panicked, he was the last person I was expecting to see- and then out of nowhere…" he threw his hands up in the air and let his head fall onto the back of the sofa, palms splayed out flat over the sides, eyes half closed and mouth grim and unyielding, dark hair falling across his forehead.
"It's not your fault Kai; it's a perfectly understandable reaction to have taken-"
"Oh like hell it is!" Hiwatari retorted, "For whom? Someone who is emotionally retarded?"
Tala stood up suddenly furious, grey eyes scintillating cold anger as he responded in livid tones, "Stop talking about yourself like that for God damn sakes! You think it helps anything when you just give up like that?"
Kai sat up, a humourless smile twisting at his bottom lip, he felt literally sick with himself, it was one thing to know you have said something terrible to another person, but to have no recognition of what it was you said is even worse. The only thing he remembered about the conversation was the way Tyson had looked at him before turning to run as fast as he could away from him. That pained, earth shattering look that had hit Kai like an icy knife through his gut, slicing through layers and layers of skin, tissue and bleeding flesh to lodge itself, twisting in painful spirals penetrating deeper and deeper into his gut. His heart had been beating so fast, his head so dizzy, as he had felt so violently, interminably sick, wishing-wanting, praying, just for everything to stop so he wouldn't have to think about anything anymore. It wasn't fair, it wasn't fair damn it, to anyone to feel things like this, to say things you don't remember and hate yourself for it afterwards. Hadn't he thought, a long time ago it seemed now, but obviously not long enough, that he would never allow himself to be caged up like a lab rat again? Like he had been at the Abbey? The situation was almost laughable, and he would have laughed, had he have had the energy to do so, stuck full of tubes and needles, whilst Justine Moore with her piercing eyes and long blonde hair took sample after sample, test after test, and then just looked at him and shook her head.
"Giving up," he said sliding down to lie on his back, bottomless, unfathomable lavender irises looking up into cold grey wastelands, on foot propped up against the arm whilst he let the other slide, hair messy and ruffled about his scalp as he reached into his pocket took out a cigarette and lit it, taking a long drag, allowing the smoke to curl gently from his lips.
"Tell me Tala, what exactly am I giving up on?"
"Don't ask stupid questions." His friend growled, walking as far away from him as the small expanse of the room would allow, "I hate it when you're like this- in fact I hate you being like this- why can't you just let me try and help you?"
Tala was slightly afraid of the half lazy, half loathing look that Kai was giving him now, his slanted, angular eyes faintly narrowed, and lips pursed gently around the smoking drug, curled into a slight snarl.
"You had no right to get him involved in this." Came the horrible, subdued reply, Kai doesn't need to shout to make people squirm, Tala thought, crossing his arms and wriggling uncomfortably in his trainers, he just lowers his voice and lets them have it with a few well chosen words- damn I wish I could do that.
"Frankly I didn't know what else to do."
Hiwatari's gaze was resolute as he looked piercingly at Tala Valkov, "If anything happens to Tyson because of this," came his acid reply in bitter undertones,
"He won't be-" Tala began but his companion continued as if no interruption had been made, "If he's hurt, or if this- this thing really is transmittable, despite whatever you, or Justine says."
"Kai, Tyson can't-"
"I will kill you Tala."
The red haired youth stopped suddenly, and looked at his friend with hurt in his grey eyes, watching as he friend pulled the cigarette from his mouth and regarded the burning embers coolly, he had said it so simply, and yet, he had no doubt of the statements fidelity.
"Just so you know, I wouldn't want to take you by surprise, of course by that time I'll probably be dead anyway so it doesn't really matter, but I'll never for give you if it does happen. Ever- so let's just get that straight."
Tala felt as though something was obstructing his throat and swallowed painfully, "Well I'm glad we've got that sorted." He said in a voice he hoped sounded cheerful, "I mean it's not like I'm trying to save your life or anything like that- oh no, this is just all my selfish intention."
"Something's, aren't worth saving Tala." Kai replied firmly, looking at his friend from the corner of his eyes.
"And of course it's not like I didn't try everything else; and of course I mean everything!" Tala realised to his horror his voice was getting louder and louder, but he felt reckless and damned angry at Kai for saying that, how could he? How could he? Yes of course he knew the risks- but of course it wasn't as if Kai knew just how difficult it was literally pushing him into the arms of someone else- the someone else whom Tala Valkov knew he had been in love with during the duration of those three years- however hard he had tried to deny it to himself.
"I mean it's not like I'm not sleeping at night because I keep waking up and worrying about you, fifty times an hour, every hour, every minute, every second. And it's not as if you aren't helping me, oh no, you're being very helpful not eating, not talking to me and getting steadily worse. What am I talking about? Your being F helpful, Kai!" He slammed his fist hard into the nearby wall in a sudden vent of rage and despair, "It's not like it's any of those things Kai!" God damn it shut up, shut up! He thought distraughtly biting his lower lip savagely, his knuckles where bleeding from where he had shattered the wall plaster, and his eyes were beginning to sting, F this!.
"Tala."
Shit, Kai was right behind him now, the red haired youth felt himself stiffen in defence as his friend put one hand on his shoulder and said, "I'm sorry, it wasn't fair of me to say that."
Jesus, was that the understatement of the century or what?
"Not fair?" came his wolfish growl swatting the hand away in mad fury and contempt, wishing that Kai would stop looking so God damned cool in the middle of a heated argument, "Do you have any idea what it's like to see you like this, and to not be able to stop thinking about you-you-u…" he stumbled a little on his words here and felt his pale skin flush slightly, Hiwatari had raised his eyebrows a fraction, and was looking at him with some enigmatic expression that to be honest Tala didn't want to know what it meant.
"I mean," he began, rushing for the words now, "I just-no matter what I do, I can't help you…and I-I."
Oh shit, he thought.
Kai, had never really understood why Tala had always stuck by him, even though they argued and constantly got on each others nerves; Tala Valkov was- hard and yet simple to predict, in a simplistic assessment one might say, his heart ruled his head, and yet his more calculating instincts where always on the alert. There had never been a moment in the past few years when his pale skinned, red haired, gangly, grey eyed companion, and perhaps best friend had not been there for him. In essence it would be fair to say he loved Tala, his unpredictable mood swings, his short temperament, and of course this impenetrable ray of optimism, but it was a passionless love, like that of a brother. It wasn't like the blinding wanting, needing and pleading that he felt whenever he was close to Tyson, there were no thousand words that he wanted to say, to touch or to feel. With Tala, everything always seemed so much simpler, he said what he felt, Tala would see him, understand him for truly was and be able to accept that- he didn't need to pretend, and even when he pushed him away for fear of his friend getting in too deep, there was no getting rid of him.
In other words, he loved Tala, but he wasn't in love with him. And it was perhaps the easiness of the relationship that had caused him to ignore, certain-other feelings that he felt were generated towards him, unspoken, unexpressed, unheard things, but altogether there. He had the feeling, had it not been for Tala he would have fallen apart on that dark night three years ago when he had first gone to Russia- in the cold rational part of his mind, he knew it would have been easier if he had been in love with Tala Valkov. And yet now, even with his friend so upset, stumbling over stupid words with an altogether different meaning in mind he didn't really feel anything other then a binding loyalty and self disgust for making his companion so upset- and it was all his fault really.
It had seemed natural to touch in an effort to consolidate the bond and to say without sensitive words (which in truth he'd never been very good at anyway) I'm sorry for being a jerk, please forgive give me. What he hadn't expected, when in one very intimate movement touching the side of his friends face with the back of his forefinger and middle finger, one brow raised slightly in a mocking expression chiding his friend for all that worry, was for Tala's body to become so completely rigid, nor for his friend to look at him like…like that. Like he didn't understand something, or wanted something he couldn't have, but with such pain as he closed his eyes moved into his out stretched fingers and placed his head against Kai's broad shoulders and said in an almost inaudible voice, "I just don't want you to die."
Kai should have said here, "I won't I promise you." or something cocky in a manner of reassurance- some solace was needed at least, but instead he found himself holding onto Tala and biting down the bitter taste of fear that seemed to have smothered itself over his tongue, and thinking, as he always did in moments like these, about Tyson, and the way he walked, talked, laughed, and smiled- or at least used to smile.
It's not enough to want, he thought, closing his eyes and just breathing, it's not enough to think to yourself in the quite moments of the night of how much you need someone. It's not enough to just watch from the shadows, laugh at them when they approach you and then push them away again because you are afraid for them. It was never-will never be enough. It's a sin to want as much as this I am sure, lust, gluttony and greed, it's not enough to want you Tyson, he thought, I want to posses you, I want you to understand no one can touch you or look at you in the way that I do, no one can want you like I do.
Which is the exact reason why you have to stay away from me, because despite whatever they say, symbiotic or non-symbiotic this thing- this Insomnia- will some how spread to you, and if that happens- I think, know I know, I would become almost inhuman.
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"Kai," Justine Moore said, sticking her blonde head around the door and displaying all of her perfect white teeth, "I want you to take Mr Granger downstairs for me; while I see to something's." Her piercing pea green eyes settling narrowed on the sight of Tala sitting on the sofa with Kai leaning over him, first aid kit in hand, bandaging up his bloody knuckle, half exasperated, half indulging expression on his face as the pale skinned youth winced as the last sting of antiseptic subsided.
"I leave you two alone for a minute," she commented, leaning against the door post, clipboard in hand, "and look, there's world war three."
"I'm sorry," replied Kai smoothly, shutting up the box and placing both his hands in his black khakis, raising his chin slightly, "was that supposed to be funny?"
"Oh honey," came her sarcastic comeback, arms folded as she beckoned them both out, "you really are an original aren't you?"
She strode confidently across the room and grabbed the gangly red haired youth from his slump on the sofa, clasping hand about the forearms, and shoving him with remarkable strength, so he almost hurtled across the room.
"What?" questioned Tala perplexed, being pushed out the door by the bossy female, "I don't understand-" he began, being frog marched by Justine down the long marble corridor, the clip of her heels echoing down the empty archways.
"Hey," shouted Kai at both of their retreating backs, broad shoulders squared, brows descending over his quixotic eyes, "where are you going? And what about-…about Granger?"
"Oh honey, didn't I tell you?" she called back with one of her easy smiles that sent shivers of frustration up his spine, "I'm gonna be a little late- take him downstairs and keep him company for a while."
"Why can't you get someone else to do it?" he shouted after her, feeling the beginnings of panic claw hysterically at his stomach, damn it! He should have known Justine and Tala would cook up something like this together; his friend sent him an I-couldn't-help-it-please-don't-kill-me-later glance from over his shoulder and was shoved down a corridor and out of sight. The last Hiwatari saw of Justine was a cheerful wave, a flash of perfect teeth and the long swooping swish of her long blonde hair as it trailed out like a golden flag behind her.
Holy Shit, thought Kai, and for once he felt a truer word couldn't have been spoken.
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He had, admittedly procrastinated, he felt, on coming down to the reception room, he had taken the stairs, not the lift, he had waited for every last person to pass by him before allowing himself to go on, and he had taken the long way round. So by the time he actually saw Tyson Granger sitting in one the same black arm chair that he had been sitting in on that fateful day, with his arms crossed, tongue in his cheek, looking rather pissed off, it was understandable, due to the delay of a further thirty minutes for someone to have the decency to come down and fetch him.
Kai stood for about twenty seconds by the winding staircase, uncharacteristically unsure of exactly what it was he was supposed to do next; on closer inspection he was more than unsure, he was terrified. Terrified of what he might say, what he might do, but most of all terrified of hurting Tyson- again.
He took a deep breath, lowered his shoulders, lifted his chin slightly and placed the façade carefully over his visage again.
'Be nice to him Kai,' Tala had told him as he had bandaged his hand up, 'don't push him away anymore. He might help you never know.'
Easy for you to say, Hiwatari thought bitterly, clenching his hands and taking the plunge, you're not the one who could kill him.
"Tyson," he said in blunt direct voice, the world champion turned round, brows raised over his midnight blue eyes and gave him a very cold look.
"Hiwatari," he didn't stand up or make any other effort of recognition, but for fleeting a moment their eyes locked, Kai had had the horrible sensation of feeling naked, and had felt a familiar trickle of heat work its way down his spine, for a fraction of a second his eyes had slid down to Tyson's generous mouth, his skin seeming to tingle with an invisible electricity, his eyes had flickered up again, visions locking, and they then simultaneously looked away hurriedly.
"Shall we go?" came the world champions curt response, staring obstinately away from him, Kai noticed the slight flush that was creeping stealthily across his cheeks. Silently they traversed the length of the room, Kai was very careful not to touch Tyson, and felt unnaturally stiff in doing so. It didn't help that accidentally every few seconds, they kept catching each others eye and then turning to look abruptly away again wondering where all the heat came from, thinking surely someone else had felt it to.
Inside the lift the lavender eyed youth slumped against the cool metal framed and tried to calm his fraying nerves, Tyson in an effort to do something touched the glowing panel as the doors slid shut, and a small 'blip' filled the interior of the compartment as they shuddered upwards.
"That's the wrong floor." Stated Kai factually, drumming his fingers against the metal walls and looking at Tyson through the corner of his eyes.
"Oh is it?" the world champion flushed beetroot red and fumbled for the right switch, something else went 'blip' and a little crimson light began to flash in the glowing panel.
"Oh shoot!" mumbled the blue eyed blader, jabbing at the scarlet light in an effort to switch off; Kai couldn't help smiling, same old, same old, he thought standing behind Tyson and switching the blinking light off through a series of codes, his little finger brushing against the soft under skin of Tyson's palm for a nanosecond, and a spiral of heat seemed to wash over both of them and dancing electric pins and needles exploded in Kai's stomach.
The indigo haired youth snatched his hand away as though he had been burned, and as the elevator shuddered to a halt looked expectantly at the doors, but they didn't open, he frowned and bit his lip perplexed but didn't say anything.
"You activated the emergency block," Kai informed him factually, crossing his arms and leaning against the curved wall, willing himself to relax, waiting was something he was good at.
"We'll have to wait for the system to reset."
The stillness spiralled horribly for a moment- and then.
"I guess that was pretty stupid of me huh?"
The smile that was curling at Tyson's lips was humourless and calculating, he had a bitter expression residing in the depths of his eyes as he turned round to Kai and said in formal unfeeling tones, "But then I'm always doing moronic things aren't I Hiwatari?"
Kai raised both his brows and looked intently at him, "You're not moronic." He said after a moments pause, feeling his nails digging painfully into the flesh of his arms, this really was the last place on earth he wanted to be, it was difficult even looking at Tyson without his mind wondering to-other things. His vision kept settling on his mouth, the corners of his eyes, his slender neck with its creamy smooth skin, the slight twist of his lips that formed as he spoke, and the small brown mole on his collar bone. Oh Tala was going to pay for this, and for that matter, so was Justine.
"That's a new one," snarled Tyson suddenly very aggressive, shoulders rigid, arms crossed and pressed close against his body in a defensive posture, "but then you always have different something to say each time I see you don't you?"
Kai placed his thumb against his bottom lip and gently bit it, "If this is about last time Granger," he hesitated, he had never seen Tyson narrow his eyes at him like this before, and it left him feeling rather physically sick with wonder at what his own words must have been.
"I don't remember what it was I said to you."
There was a stunned silence, Tyson blinked several times and looked at Kai as though he thought he was laughing at him.
"What do you mean you don't remember?" He said quietly, fingers pressing very hard against his upper arms.
"Are you joking, all those things you said- and you don't remember?"
"I guess the moronic one here is me." Kai laughed sourly and turned his head away so he wouldn't have to look- he didn't trust himself to look, he felt himself to begin to sink.
"It's pathetic isn't it? I can't even remember what it was I said to you- perhaps I'd be better of dead. But I guess I soon will be, so it's a right, I won't be able to cause you anymore grieve, or-anything else."
"Why can't you…" Tyson's voice trailed off and his shoulder's lowered, his body visibly loosening from it's stiff position, he had that look again, Hiwatari thought, that innocent naïve look that fitted him so well.
Kai closed his eyes and tasted the bitter flavour of tobacco lingering on his tongue, for some reason his heart was jumping irregularly in his chest, and he felt, more then heard Tyson move a step closer.
'Tell him,' the small nagging voice of Tala badgered in his ear, 'tell him everything. Tell him now.'
"Kai?" Tyson said softly, Hiwatari opened his eyes and found the blue eyed youth staring intently back at him, his mouth; he subconsciously registered, only a few inches away from his own, warm and inviting, a prickle of something raw and hot quivered against his fingertips as lightly he reached out and brushed the digits of his right hand against the soft skin beneath Tyson's temple.
The blue eyed youth's mouth parted slightly, the delicate pink of his tongue peeping out between the burgundy lips, without thinking about it; in one deliberate, deft movement Kai brushed his own dry lips against Tyson's in the slightest of butterfly kisses. Electricity seemed to crackle between them as both of their temperatures peaked and rose, Kai's nose bumped against the soft concave of Tyson's left cheek, felt his hand move to the nape of his neck, where it burned against the cool of his flesh bringing him painfully closer, and he heard a small moan escape from his mouth. He felt the dull throbbing move closer about his chest and his head twinge in a sudden pain as Tyson moved his mouth over his own, feeling the sudden longing, wanting, desiring and needing, as he felt the press of the high shoulders, the hard torso and the long legs against his own body. It was in helpless concurrence that the kiss deepened and became steadily more desperate in own tongue moving into the soft heat beyond Tyson's teeth, wanting in blissful agony what became a blinding pain, becoming hotter and hotter with each passing second. Some boundary had been crossed into mutual ground for a moment out of time, something that they both sought after for three years, this was some physical reassurance of what they both craved for was still a reality, however faint, however ridiculous and however dangerous. He felt his own hands move up into Tyson's hair, the baseball cap falling to the floor with a light 'flump' pulling his mouth closer so he could feel him, taste him, know him more. Then as the kiss became too hot, too unfathomable and too reckless, the lift shuddered again, and then suddenly, as if they both realised what it was they were doing they broke away, breathing hard, Kai's eyes still half closed as he fought to regain control, hands clenching and unclenching spasmodically by his sides. A whole manner of words flew thick and fast though the fog residing in his head, he could settle on none; his heart jumped erratically in his chest as he fought the solid enticement to forget the world and everything in it for another moment of that raw elation. But then, as he pressed his thumb against his lower lip and willed for the world to stop spinning, he remembered that wishes are all, in nature pointless, and that nothing could alter or hinder the path that his fate was leading him down with cold merciless fingers. His fate was one thing, but to pass it on to another person, that other person being Tyson- he couldn't- he wouldn't ever allow that to happen.
Despite whatever Justine had told him, regardless of what Tala had said; Insomnia would stop with him- that he had decided.
And nothing on earth would be able to change that.
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Significantly longer, I got sick of the idea revolving in my head so here it is ladies in text- thank you NekoAnime, Road Kill Roko, Serenity Cathedral a.k.a. serena429, Kiina, Ereshkigali (huggles for her wonderful reviews), Laurelleaves, and phoenixandashes . :glomps all of you for the support:
Minako Mikoto, I defy you not to find TyKa content in this chapter here, I kept your comment in mind especially! XD
And to anyone else how has reviewed- I'm so beat one o'clock in the morning and posting- jeez, I have so much Biology to do- screw Phospholipids and bi-layers…:goes to curl up in a ball and sleeps:
P.S THANK YOU FOR READING!
