Insomnia
By The Eternity Dragon
Disclaimer: …..;)
Chapter Nine
Indemnity
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It's in a moment when you no longer have normality that you suddenly realise how important it really is to you. It was like that for Tyson Granger, hating the tedium of dancing two steps closer, and then pushing five steps further away again, like the endless ripples of the tide on the wet impressionable sand of a beach. With each incoming spray the water rakes down a little more with it, leaving nothing more then a condensation of bits and pieces all muddled up into a greater contingency.
It was in a word monotony, one that drank him up with smiling lips and a blistering tongue, a feeling that was both hot and cold at once, sweet and sour, bitter with relish and honey dew delicacy, sickening and moorish it beckoned you slowly back only to delve deeper into things that he knew he should never have thought of, never have wanted, and certainly never have done. But was that entirely his fault? Did he belong to Kai? Had it ever been his obligation not to have 'other' lovers, had he and Kai actually ever had a relationship it might have been different; he thought acidly to himself. Even now Tyson could feel Kai's eyes raking across his back causing him to shiver ever so slightly. There were certain things one did do, and other things one had to do, and that had been one of them, no if, buts, or don'ts about it. It was like obligation, need, urgency, how fast, or how slow, or simply to be there, to be alive, just to make sure, just to understand, just to stop the endless needing. It was an empty existence, and empty feeling afterwards despite the warmth, a slightly sickening feeling in some ways, and in others delicious. And yet it was never really enough- not for him anyway, it was like eternally craving something that was just out of reach, you could see it, touched it on a few occasions but could never have it.
Temptation like that was worse than death, it was maddening, and all the things he had ever thought to himself in his own defence had turned to ashes in his mouth, burning in hot acidic thought on their way down. Yet despite this, despite all of this he still wanted it, the first and last fool in the world, and he still wanted what it was he couldn't have.
It was then, as Tyson felt his own shoulders rise a little as his thoughts became defensive of his own feelings and the long hours he had spent aching with regret and denial only to have the word 'numerous others' thrown in his face made him damned angry. In fact it made him furious, and forgetting his own design to deny all outward showing of emotion he spun around, hands clenched tightly into fists and his blue eyes glittering fiercely.
It was in that moment when he turned and looked, unblinking at Kai Hiwatari, his face oddly pale, and beautiful slanted quixotic eyes startling in their raw intensity loose all focus as he staggered back against the wall. A confused look twisting across his lips as he raised one hand to the side of his head and let out a little moan, there was a short pause; Tyson felt his stomach plummet down a dark spiral of ice. Kai gasped slightly as though his lungs couldn't contain enough oxygen and then slid further down the wall, without awareness of his body moving Tyson tore across the stone floor to catch him as Kai's legs buckled beneath him and a little moan of pain and despair flew from his lips like the feeble beating of a young bird's wings.
It was then that the whole world seemed to go mad, the lights flickered out in a sudden breath of darkness and a high ethereal sound, like the scream of the dead beneath miles of cold concrete and slate rose, blue, wordless and mindless up through the roof as the monitor screens exploded showering Tyson with red hot sparks as a sharp callous pain wrenched through his temple. Tyson yelled and pulled Kai closer to him as the circuits all blew out, hissing and spitting golden sparks and dancing like jumping beans across the dark marble stone of the floor.
Everything went still.
The blue eyed youth sat his own heart racing madly in his ears, feeling the warmth of Hiwatari's body press against his own. His face was pressed gently against Tyson's neck and the rhythmic rise and fall of his chest gave him comfort in the indemnity that he was alive.
"Kai," he spoke softly, between the dark undulations of his thick hair and to the rim of his ear.
"Are you awake?"
Nothing, Tyson pressed his nose against the soft curls and closed his eyes, gently rocking his body back and forward, his limbs shaking with the release of adrenaline; total silence pressed down on the from all sides like a cascade of stillness that ripped the breath from his lungs.
"Oh god Kai," he pleaded, hating himself for the still figure he held so inanimate in his arms; "please say something."
"No."
It was something I didn't ever think could happen to me.
Tyson let out a long shuddering breath and then held very still as another word came, the words sluggish and tied together as if in a knot of emotion and feelings, the body against his suddenly stiffened and he felt the concave of a tensed palm push hard against his chest.
"No, don't make me do it again." It was like a dry sob, the plea of a desperate child; Kai Hiwatari had his own eyes shut very tightly as he said it, his body tensed, muscles rigid like that of a child's in the claws of a nightmare. The dim light fell sharply across the contours of his face, casting hollows about his eyes and cheeks.
"It hurt so much, I don't want it. I want it to stop, make it stop!"
"Kai!" Tyson said gripping him tightly by the shoulders and shaking him his own voice shuddering in shock as Hiwatari's lavender eyes suddenly jerked open, it was in one fluid movement he suddenly moved back, his visage unsteady, unknowing as he staggered back against the wall, turned away and retched. His hands stark white as he pushed them firmly against his mouth and squeezed his eyes shut as he leant back against the wall, his body weak with shock.
I never wanted you to see.
"Kai," Tyson began, his mouth impossibly dry, all sense and thought had seemed to have been in that one moment driven from his mind; a mixture of acute pain and misery clung about his chest as he looked at Kai, his back against the wall, dark hair falling onto his arms as he pulled his legs in towards his chest.
"Kai." He repeated, knowing not what else to do, he could only liked it to talking to a child, a very small, helpless child who seemed to be silently screaming in pain.
Kai shook his head against he knees and seemed to pull them even closer towards his body; his hands clasped so hard together were trembling slightly, the knuckles a strident white in bloodless paleness of his skin.
Please don't look at me now.
"Kai, please look at me. Tell me what's happening."
Hiwatari had placed both hands over his ears now, his eyes closed and his breathing ragged as if in severe pain, Tyson felt dread slowly creep up on him from behind and settle, coiled and bitter about his neck and stomach; his hands were shaking as he leant down and placed his cool palms against the heat of Kai's face and tilted his head so their eyes met.
It was such a selfish dream, a future that drowned in its own happiness.
The lavender eyed youth made a little sound of pain; on impulse Tyson pulled Hiwatari towards him, ignoring the sudden stiffening of his body and the coldness of his fingers; he tried to push away but Tyson just held on tighter, murmuring over and over again into his ear "Oh god Kai, don't shut me out, please, not again, not again. Don't shut me out again." Like a mantra, until the words became incoherent, meaningless and just sound as they lay, limbs entwined, one wordless, eyes fighting a darkness that seemed to sweep over them from within, the other swimming in a sea of deep blue of tears and regrets.
"I didn't want to come back." Kai said after what seemed an age, his fingers moving up the back of Tyson's neck, and coiling about the soft skin their, the tips of his fore and middle finger stroking the sensitive patch at the back there.
"I didn't want you to know."
Tyson Granger had his eyes closed so tightly shut now, feeling and listening to the gentle rhythm of their heart beats, feeling the gentle elation as Kai's hands dipped lower down his back, and his face press into the warms of his hair, and his lips brush the rim of his ear.
Why would I dare to presume that after all this time you would still feel the same?
"I didn't want you to know," and it was with some hesitation that he went on, the press of his fingers becoming very hard against the back of Tyson's neck, "what a monster I'm going to become." As the syllables wrenched themselves out his voice suddenly broke, and the blue eyed though found himself mindlessly, wordlessly pressing his numb lips against the hot skin of that pale deathly face.
"And I know how wicked of me it is to want you to…" Kai's eyes seemed to be hewn from some deep bleeding stone as he pulled Tyson's mouth towards his own and kissed him so deeply that they both shuddered for breath, pressing so close to each other that skin seemed to be in the way of some greater comfort that they both ached for.
"I want you to tell me this time Kai." The blue eyed youth said breathlessly, his heart dancing like a butterfly inside his chest as his back touched the floor and Hiwatari moved over him, powerful and muscular as a black panther, both their breathing hard and jagged as his hands slid beneath Tyson's shirt and lay burning on the lower part of his abdomen.
"I don't even understand it myself." Kai answered callously against Tyson's mouth, he looked down into the blue eyes beneath him that seemed to drink him in and yet hold him back at the same time.
"You know Kai," the blue eyed youth stated, lips flushed and swollen, titling into a knowing smile, "the faster you tell me, the faster you'll get what you want."
"You want this as much as I do." He replied quietly.
"But not enough to be hurt again without good reason Kai."
There was a silence in which they both looked at each other clearly for the first time without any walls or barriers in between them; they saw the raw pain, and the wanting and the needing. A look can express a thousand words, one sigh, or a slight flicker of the eyes can express so very much more than words could ever convey in an eternity of existence.
This I owe to you at least, this, and so much more.
It was therefore with one slow and sinuous movement that Kai twisted his body off of Tyson's and lay breathing low and heavy on the floor next to him. The pain had gone almost entirely from his head and the high ethereal was only a slight buzzing hum in his ear now. Beside him he felt the body of the one he loved the most, move close beside him, his warm breath tickling the flesh of his cheek as he stared up at the dark roof of the ceiling and searched for words without answers.
"They called it," he began eventually, and the hardness of the words momentarily choked him in their sudden anxiety, "project Insomnia."
Tyson's hands clenched and unclenched by his sides, and he rested his chin against the broad beginnings of Kai's shoulder.
"Why?" the fragile continents hanging in the air like wisps of undulating smoke in the darkness.
"Because," Kai continued without look at him, "at the beginning, the symptoms mimicked those cause by the chronic anxiety disorder Insomnia. It was supposed to," he paused and gave a bitter laugh that rang out against the cold tiles of the room, the smell of burning plastic curling about their nostrils and rising to the roof.
"It was supposed to make us unstoppable Tyson, but it all went so badly wrong."
Not because I was selfish or wanting, but you took all of my innocence, and then you destroyed it.
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A/N Okay, okay, I think this one is messy, forgive me! School term ended (thank god) but I fell down the stairs and ripped the muscles in my right ankle and now my foot has swollen up to the size of an elephant and is all black and blue and painful- and is generally gross. So, any inconsistencies, I'll blame on painkillers and incoherency due to PAIN!
Chemistry seems to take all joy from my life so forgive me for the little (to no) sense in this chapter at all, I have answered one question, and in chapter ten…fufufu I will give away yet more, but not all XD….ha-ha (I'm such a cow).
This will so teach me from laughing at Paul Robinson from neighbours because he lost his leg ;…; irony…
Jeez, what are these forum thingies:pokes:
