TOMMY
I follow Kat outside. I have to make her understand. "Kat-"
She spins on me, hurt and confusion on her face. "Why, Tommy? Why him?"
There's no mistaking the unspoken question - why not me. "Kitten-"
"Don't. Not now."
"Kat, the fact that I'm with him now isn't a reflection on you. Remember, we didn't break up because of something wrong with either of us. Between my racing and your dancing, neither of us could devote the time to our relationship that it needed. We weren't ready for that kind of commitment."
"You weren't."
I stare at her, stunned. "What? You were the one who broke up with me!"
"I thought you'd fight for me - for us! I thought you'd at least try and talk me out of it, try to keep us together!" Yeah, because that's of course what I did with Kim and Heather. Not.
"Seriously? Wow and I thought I had trouble remembering things. Kat, when did I ever try and make you or anyone do something you didn't want to do? If you said that you wanted out, I wouldn't have tried to force you to stay with me."
A tear runs down her cheek, making my heart ache. "I wanted to know that I was important enough to you - that I was worth something to you." Well testing me like that sure as hell wasn't the way to do it.
"Kat, honey - I wasn't going to ask you to give up your dancing to stay with me and the racing was earning my college money and made me happy. Did you want me to give up racing?"
"Of course I didn't want you to be unhappy. And I'm glad you're happy now, I really am. But - I tried so hard."
I take her hands, pull her over to the porch steps and sit us both down. "Kitten, you didn't do anything wrong. See, not that long ago we found out that Zedd and I have been bonded for a long time - since before I even met you."
"What are you talking about?" I explain to her about bonding and Eltarians and how it relates to Zedd and me. I keep losing my train of thought though, distracted by how soft her skin is. "So - you're saying that we never would have worked out no matter how hard we tried?"
"Huh?" I blink at her, trying to focus once more. She repeats her question. "We could have made it work, but we wouldn't have been happy - or probably even satisfied and chances are once Zedd found out we were bonded he still would have pursued me."
She starts talking but I'm sidetracked by her mouth. Memories fill my mind, each more explicit than the last. These thoughts quickly change to recollections of Zedd and our mating and oh god, I need him - right now! I let go of Kat's hands and slide back from her as if she's contagious. My hands are shaking as I force myself to drop my gaze.
"Tommy are you okay?"
I see her reaching for me and suddenly I know that's a bad idea. "Don't touch me!" I take a breath and try and pull myself together, but it's proving damn near impossible. The door opens and I hear Zedd call my name.
"What's going on, Zedd?" Kat asks anxiously.
"The other females will have to explain things to you" he says tersely. "You all need to go now while I take care of him."
"Does this have to do with the changes he's gone through?" Tanya asks.
"Yes. Now go - and make sure that you don't touch him on your way by. I'm not sure what he'll do." Neither am I.
I catch a whiff of perfume as they go by. It's the wrong smell, but enticing all the same and I'm fighting the urge to launch myself after it, relief quickly becoming a necessity and the need isn't all that picky about how - or with who - it happens. Strong arms anchor me to the steps, a warm voice in my ear. I take a deep breath. This is the right scent! "Zedd, help me."
"Inside, love." I cling to him as he pulls me off the steps and into the house. I'm struggling to keep a grip on my intelligence, my dignity, my sanity - anything. As soon as the door shuts though, all bets are off and I'm more than ready as he pins me against it, kissing me. I feel him slip my shorts down and wrap his hand around me, making me moan loudly. "I've got you, Thomas. It'll be all right."
He takes me in and it only takes a few strokes before I lose it. He backs off me but it's nowhere near enough. "More, Zedd."
"Upstairs, Thomas, and you can have whatever you want." I step out of my shorts, snatch them up and hurry for the stairs, grabbing the front of his shirt as I go by and pulling him with me.
We're barely in the room with the door closed and I have very little control left. "Take your clothes off, Zedd. I like that outfit on you and I'd hate to lose it and destroy them."
He smiles slowly. I'd think he was amused by my growled demand, if it wasn't for the way his breath caught and his eyes darkened - not to mention the speed at which he strips out of his clothes. He crawls onto the bed and I start shaking at the view, my control sorely tested. Zedd looks over his shoulder at me. "Come on, love. I can feel how much you need this."
In some corner of my mind, I realize that he's used almost the same phrasing that I'd used on him on the reservation. Unable and unwilling to stop myself, I lunge for my lover, deep in him in a moment, taking him hard and fast and hoping that at some point soon he'll be able to do the same for me.
SOME TIME LATER
Zedd and I both collapse on the bed, panting, sweating and finally done - I think. I have no idea how much time has passed since I practically dragged him upstairs. I know that I'm hungry, thirsty, exhausted and I need a shower. The bed needs clean sheets. And I pray that I haven't hurt Zedd too much. "Zedd, are you okay?"
"Mmm." The satisfied purr makes me smile slightly. After I catch my breath, I rise slowly from the bed. "Where are you going, love?"
The sleepy voice makes me smile once more. "Need a shower and food, mate. Why don't you catch a quick nap while I do that and then you can grab a shower while I change the sheets?"
He sounds a little more awake when he answers just as I reach the bathroom. "Go get your shower, Thomas. I'll tend to the bed."
"No, Zedd. You rest. I know I was - rougher - than was necessary and you probably need some more recovery time. I'll take care of it when I'm done."
I close the door behind me and quickly get in the shower. The hot water streaming over me feels so good that I lose track of time. Still, I manage to get out before I use up all the hot water as the last thing I want to do is leave my already bruised up mate with a cold shower. I dry myself quickly and head into the bedroom to get some sweatpants and a shirt so that I can find us something to eat. I stop short as I realize that, not only is Zedd not in here, he's apparently ignored my orders and changed the sheets. Stubborn ass. I grab some clothes and throw them on before I go to find my missing mate.
I locate him in the kitchen, cooking something and humming to himself. "Zedd, what are doing?"
Smiling in amusement, he shakes his head slowly. "Is this a trick question?"
"You should be resting. I would have made us food and besides that I told you not to worry about the bed, that I'd take care of it."
"It's no big deal, Thomas. It was easily done and I've no doubt that half the mess was mine." He throws a grin at me over his shoulder before returning to what he's doing.
"I know it's easily done, Zedd. That's not the point."
"Then what is the point, Thomas?"
"I said I'd do it and after what I just put you through, you shouldn't have to -"
He swiftly moves the pan off the burner and shuts the stove off before turning to me, a puzzled frown on his face. "Wait a minute. What do you mean 'what you just put me through'? We mated, Thomas, just as we have before."
I can't help but stare at him in disbelief. "Zedd, I know I hurt you. Every time my hormones get out of control, you get hurt. You shouldn't have to do chores on top of it."
"Love, really, it's not that big of a deal. You don't hurt me every time and, like when you went through the drive, it's superficial. Besides in case you forgot, I do like it rough on occasion and I don't mind in the least if this was one of them."
"I do!" I have no idea how to verbalize what's bothering me. "Everything that happens between us - you're always getting the short end of! The only way I can try and start to equalize things is in the bedroom and that upsets you!"
"What?" He looks so completely lost I'm again at a loss to explain what I mean. "Back up, love, please and start over a little more slowly."
I begin to pace as I try to make him understand. "Okay, like what just happened. I know I hurt you, but when I try to take care of you to make up for it, you don't let me."
"Thomas, you don't need to make up for anything. What we did was great, I'm great, you were really great. I don't need any special treatment or apologies."
"Maybe you don't need me to, but I need to. I hurt you, I should fix it as best I can, if it's even fixable."
"Like when I hurt you?" I can hear the edge of self recrimination in his voice.
I shake my head. "Zedd, I asked for that. I asked you to take me hard and fast and, yes I was sore, but I wasn't lying when I said that it was worth it."
"And yet when I tell you it's worth it, you don't believe me."
"It's different Zedd! Maybe it's just because we've lived such different lives, Zedd, but sometimes I feel like things are very off with our relationship."
He raises an eyebrow at me. "How so?"
"I just - I don't know, Zedd." I give up, knowing that anything else I say will very likely launch us into a fight and I don't want that. "Just forget it."
"No, Thomas. Help me out here" he pleads. "I want to understand, but you're not giving me anything to work with."
I sigh. "I don't know how to say what I mean or what I'm feeling" I admit. "I guess the closest I can come is - you said that we should be equals in this and, well, we aren't. There is no part of our relationship where we are and, more often than not, I'm not up to your level."
He sighs in return. "This again? Thomas, we are equals-"
"No, we're not. In fact, I'll bet that you can't name three things in our relationship where we're actually equal, never mind where I'm actually in a position to lead us."
Quickly he says, "You're more instinctive than I am, anything dealing with Earth or humans and your grasp of languages."
"And the language thing has only come about recently."
"What do you want from me, love? You wanted three things that we're equal in and instead I gave you three things that you're better at than I am."
I shake my head. My upset is rapidly turning to depression. "But none of those have anything to do with us."
I feel a small surge of fear from him. "So what are you saying?"
My shoulders slump. "I don't know. Again, none of this is fair to you."
Silence falls in the kitchen for a long time. Finally, Zedd says, "Thomas, I don't know what to tell you. I can't help it that my thousands of years of living have made me more experienced than you are. Considering that you've only recently become free of the spell that was hindering you as well as going through your changes that have altered you, you do have a bit of catching up to do, but that's going to take time. At the rate you're learning, I have no doubt that before long you'll be as knowledgeable as I am."
"It's not just that. You're more knowledgeable, more experienced, have more money. I have no way to balance things except with my attention and trying to take care of you and - again - you don't like it because it makes you feel like things are out of balance."
His brow furrows. "Wait. What does the money have to do with anything?"
"You keep talking about wanting to spoil me, buy me things, but I don't have the means to do that for you. I'm not exactly dirt poor, but I'm sure that you could afford to buy and sell me a hundred times over-"
He looks horrified. "I'd never sell you, Thomas. Where in all the hells would you get an idea like that?"
Shaking my head and realizing that such phrases are not something in his vast knowledge I quickly work to settle him back down. "It's an Earth saying. It means that you have a hell of a lot of money - not that you'd literally sell me." Zedd exhales in relief even as I suddenly realize something. "Zedd, do you remember when I went through the first set of changes after Pina's drive?" When he nods, I continue, finally giving voice to one of my biggest worries. "When we went to the bedroom, you were upset. You were concerned that I was going to leave you because - as you put it - you didn't serve a purpose for me anymore since I didn't need a protector. I feel that way a lot - that I don't serve a purpose for you so why would you keep me?" He opens his mouth to protest, but I go on before he can. "I know, you love me. But you knew how I felt about you then, even if I couldn't say it and you were still worried that I was going to leave you. I don't want you to get bored with me or always feel like you have to take care of me."
Slowly he says, "And I believe that you told me at the time that I was stuck with you and to deal with it. Now I say the same to you, Thomas. I'm not going to be gotten rid of so easily. As far as the money goes, it's just money."
I shake my head. I can't understand his attitude, but then again if his family is half as rich as Goldar and Scorpina have hinted at, I guess it makes sense. How did I ever think this was going to work? We don't know all that much about each other, in spite of being in each other's company almost constantly for the last few months. Of course, a lot of that time has been spent mating and not much else, really. "I don't look at it that way. I've had to work for almost everything I have, Zedd."
Now he looks hurt. "So have I, Thomas. Almost everything I have now, I have had to work for as well. It's a large part of the reason that I have a business. I've just been very successful at it."
"Yeah, but-"
He cuts me off. "There was a time, late in my recovery from what Zordon did, that - between Dar, Pina and I - we only had about a thousand credits to our names. I was still recovering and not a lot of help to them. Scorpina got a job working as a teacher in the local academy and Goldar took a job as a bodyguard at night so that one of them could always be with me in case I relapsed. Neither of them were due to get paid yet and rent on our small apartment was coming due very quickly and we were nearly out of food. I felt bad that I'd dragged them down with me even though they never complained."
He sighs heavily and I can't help but cross over and take him in my arms. "You don't have to tell me this if you don't want to, Zedd."
"Yes, I do. I want you to understand. One night, I slipped out, leaving Pina asleep. I went to a nearby bar, figuring I'd make some small bets or something to get my drinks for the night. While I was sitting there planning who to work and how, I overheard a conversation at a nearby table. The people there wanted something, but didn't know how to get it. Nothing illegal, just hard to find. I knew where to get what they were after with a minimum of fuss - at least for me. I offered to get it for a fee. It took a little doing, but I got the job done - and so quickly that I got my fee and then some. That's when I realized that being a supplier could actually be rather lucrative. It was the first time I'd ever earned for myself. That job alone saved us from starving or being thrown out in the streets for a while. As I got better, I took on more jobs until Dar and Pina could quit their other jobs and come back to work for me."
"A decision we've never regretted" a soft voice says from the doorway.
"Well, maybe not never - but very, very rarely" says the mate of the voice. "Of course, until you told us what was going on, we did have to wonder where the hell you were getting the money from and what you were doing to get it."
"They thought I either murdered my parents, was whoring myself out or made some deal with Trey."
"Yeah, speaking of your parents, couldn't they have helped you considering you were on death's door?" Realizing that he had apparently gotten zero help from them financially as well as emotionally when he'd nearly died spikes my anger up a good bit.
"I told you love, we don't get along very well."
"In fairness, Scorpina and I did threaten to kill them if they tried to take Zedd from our care" Goldar admits earning a smile from my mate.
"Yeah thanks for that by the way, don't think I would have survived with any sanity intact if you had actually pawned me off on them."
