Chapter 06: Old Wounds

Max stood like a statue amidst the bustle of the hospital ward, looking more lost and forlorn than he had in years. All around him doctors in lab coats and nurses in coloured scrubs passed to either side of his massive frame like water flowing around a rock in the stream, leaving Max feeling too out of place to even stop someone and ask for directions. He blinked and screwed his eyes shut, forcing out the fluorescent lights and giving himself time to think. The confusion was a familiar feeling, sending ripples of disquiet through his gut, although the last time he felt it had not been because he was lost. Not in a physical sense, at least. Max winced and forced his eyes open, away from the memories and back to his purpose.

He walked forwards and the people continued to part around him, moving out of the way of this giant man who towered above them. Eventually he came to a nurses' station and put a hand on the counter.

"Hey, anyone home?"

Several nurses turned their heads towards him. One stopped what she was doing, glanced upwards at his bright blue hair with a sniff, and indulged him with a false smile.

"Can I help you?"

"I'm looking for Commander Rachel," Max explained.

That only won him a disapproving frown. "Visiting hours ended thirty six minutes ago."

Max offered her his most serious expression and pulled out his official ID. "Military business, miss."

The nurse blinked in surprise, but that damn frown refused to budge. "I'll have to clear this with the doctor," she muttered, picking up a phone.

Max smiled to himself and straightened up, leaving the nurse to a short conversation that left her looking more and more disgruntled. It was amazing how many doors you could open with just those two words. Military business. Being a CO in the Orange Star Army had its perks. The pleasure of watching people who wanted to tell you to shove it accommodate your every whim never failed to brighten Max's day. His smile only widened as the nurse put down the phone and turned back to him.

"So what's the verdict?"

"Go ahead," the nurse answered in the most sour voice Max had ever heard. "Room 412. Down the hall, around the corner and second door on the right."

"Thanks," Max said, trying not to break into a full blown grin as he started down the hall. He found the room without any difficulty.

"Surprise!" He exclaimed as he headed through the door.

"Max," Rachel blurted out, shaking her head a little as if to clear her thoughts.

The greeting had been nothing more than an idle joke, but it was obvious to Max that his arrival had actually taken her somewhat by surprise. He reassured himself that he hadn't woken her; Rachel's eyes had already been open when he walked in the door.

Walking over to the bed gave him the opportunity to study her more closely. Rachel was propped upright in her hospital bed by a tower of pillows, and her leg was elevated and wrapped in heavy plaster. She looked strange lying there without her baggy clothes and cap. Max found himself oddly aware of her small shoulders and pale forehead, things he had never really noticed before. She was almost a different person, thinner and subdued in a way that he could not quite reconcile with his mental image of Rachel. Still, the smile she gave him as he sat down beside her was not much different to the one he was used to, and her clear blue eyes with their long lashes were perfect as ever.

"It's good to see you," Max offered when she did not speak further. Up close he realised that there was a certain weariness about her, a dull shadow lurking within those bright eyes.

"Yeah, you too," she replied, running a hand through her messy hair.

"How bad's the leg?" He asked with a nod towards her cast. "Are they gonna have to cut it off or...?"

Another bad joke. The slight curl of Rachel's lip was more exasperated than amused, and even that much effort seemed to tire her. Max felt a pang of regret, and that swirling mess of confusion threatened to rise again. Perhaps it was better if he didn't try to lift her spirits.

"So what's been happening with Black Hole since we found that cannon?" Rachel asked. "No one's told me anything since I've been in here. They just keep telling me to rest."

Max shrugged. "Well, I took care of those goons by the beach. Routed them and destroyed the cannon. After that there was another incident with Black Hole. Sami was down by the south end of the Blue Moon border when a bunch of fighters and bombers came outta nowhere. She'd have been in big trouble if Green Earth hadn't shown up. Eagle was in the area, and when he caught wind of what was going down he came to lend a hand."

"So now Green Earth's involved," Rachel murmured. "Good. It's good to know we're not alone. Have you guys figured out who might be behind all this?"

"Well, after Eagle and Sami stopped the attack, the enemy CO made contact. It was Flak. Still don't have a clue who he's workin' for, 'cause you know that ape doesn't have the brains to plan anything like this himself, but it's something."

"But we're no closer to understanding what's really going on." Her delicate brow furrowed. "We really don't know anything more about what Black Hole's doing?"

"Nope. We know they're out there, and we know they're up to something, but that's about it."

Rachel bowed her head. "It's not good enough. We have to get to the truth, Max. We have to. If this keeps happening..."

"Hey," Max cut her off. "We're doing everything we can. We'll figure it out."

"I just hope it isn't too late."

Another burst of unease stirred in Max's gut. What was he supposed to say to that? They were all struggling with the same fears, whether they admitted it or not. The attack on Sami's forces had confirmed what they'd already suspected: the appearance of the Black Cannon on the coast was not an isolated incident, but part of something much bigger. Perhaps even the start of another Great War. Orange Star had pulled through the recent conflicts in good shape compared to other countries, but they couldn't keep fighting endless wars against an enemy that never seemed to tire. Sooner or later something had to give.

Max took a breath to steady himself. There was no point dwelling on their problems, not here, not now. What Rachel needed was comfort and reassurance. Max forced himself to pay attention to their surroundings, looking over the hospital room as a way of refocusing his thoughts. Rachel had been given a corner room with two walls of solid windows. The bright vista outside was a beautiful expanse of buildings old and new, grey steel and weathered stone side by side. The hospital overlooked a university, its slow accumulation of architecture dotted with spots of greenery. Max smiled. Nell had probably pulled a few strings to get her sister the best room possible. It was the kind of thing Orange Star's commander-in-chief would do; Nell never failed to look out for everyone who served under her.

"It's a nice view," Rachel said in a distant voice, her eyes staring straight into the sunlight. She looked sad as she said it, Max thought.

"I don't like hospitals much myself," he offered, more because he felt as though he should say something to break the uncomfortable silence than because it was something he actually wanted to volunteer. "But hey, at least you've got something to look at, to keep you from getting bored."

"I guess," Rachel said with a faintly visible shrug. "I just…" A strangely concerned look passed over her and she stopped. "It's not that I'm bored. I just don't like being stuck here, not being able to do anything."

"Hm." Max scratched his chin. "Yeah, you've been going at it pretty hard since the Omega War wrapped up."

"We all have. There's just been so much to do."

"Tell me about it. I'm still waiting for my bratwurst tasting tour in Green Earth." Max smiled a little, but it soon faded. "I thought you'd at least rest up a bit after we got that mess sorted, but you just kinda kept going. You after your sister's job or something?"

At least that made her laugh, although not nearly as much as Max would have liked. Max wasn't an expert in psychology by any means, but he was perceptive enough to recognise that Rachel was struggling with something. He just hoped that when the time came for her to give voice to her feelings – if it came – he would be able to say the right thing. Nell had always said he was clumsy, and it was true in more ways than one. Sometimes, he didn't think, even when he needed to most. That was when his crude attempts to comfort people tended to go completely awry, and he wound up feeling like a fool.

Clumsy. Sometimes Max thought that was just another word for stupid.

"I like to keep busy," Rachel said at last, a guarded tone coming into her voice. "You know that."

"Yeah, but you knew when to take a break before."

A faint shudder seemed to run through her like the first sign of an earthquake. "I just… don't want to have to think about things. It's easier if I'm distracted."

"About things? You mean everything that happened?"

"Yeah, about everything. About everyone. It's hard, going from seeing people all the time to never seeing them at all."

"You talking 'bout Jake?"

She flinched when he said the name. "Yeah. So…" She took a sharp breath, and for a moment Max thought she was going to burst into tears. "You knew?"

He shrugged, suddenly unable to look her in the eye. "Well, uh, sure. I mean, I could kinda see the way you looked at him sometimes."

"He didn't like me," she said softly. "He likes Sasha."

"But you still miss him," Max offered. "Just because he likes someone else doesn't mean you stop feeling what you feel."

She screwed her eyes up tight in an attempt to hold back the tears that were threatening to flood. "I just didn't think he'd leave, not after everything. I thought we were closer than that. I didn't - I didn't think he'd leave me all alone."

"It wasn't about you." Max sighed. "He was always different. You and me, we wanted to fight, to stand up for what was right no matter what. Jake didn't make that choice, he only did it 'cause he had to. He fought to protect his home, and when that was done he was done." He offered her a forced grin. "Hey, it's not like he went over to Blue Moon with Sasha. Sometimes there's just nothing you can do."

"I keep thinking that if there was something I had done differently, if there was just some way I had been better, then maybe…" There was a tear on her cheek now.

"You can't blame yourself," Max said, his eyes downcast. "You can't change how someone feels if they don't love you. It's not your fault, it's nothin' you did wrong, it's just how it is."

"Then what do you do?" Rachel pleaded, more tears painting silvery streaks over her flushed skin.

"You accept it," Max murmured, "and you move on."

She didn't say anything, she just settled back and let herself cry. Max didn't think he had ever seen Rachel so distraught. He had certainly never seen her cry before. As he sat there watching it occurred to him that she never really showed anything of herself that wasn't vibrant and happy. With a slight tang of shock Max wondered at himself for not realising that earlier. How much more was there to Rachel that she kept hidden away?

Eventually she wiped her tears away and laughed at herself, a sad and shaken little giggle. "Thanks," she said, her eyes lighter than they had been in months. "That feels a little better."

"It'll get easier. Might take a while, but it will."

She looked directly at him, her eyes wide and her lips parted a little as if something had shocked her. "Max, are you speaking from experience?"

"Wha-" He cut himself off. There was a flush in his cheeks and Max knew that he had turned scarlet. For a moment he considered denying it and trying to play it cool, but the impulse vanished as soon as it came. His body had already answered the question without even meaning to, and now there was nothing left to do but own up to the truth. "You figured that out, huh?"

"The way you talk…" Rachel shrugged and smiled a little. "It just sounds like something you've been through."

Max grunted. "Guess I was never much good at keeping things secret. That went real well, back when I was in your shoes. I'm pretty sure everyone could read me like a book."

With a small groan Rachel managed to lean a little closer to him. "Hey, you know, if you want to talk about it… maybe it'll help."

"Not much to talk about," Max said, looking away. "It was a long time ago. No point digging up the past."

"You sure? I could use the distraction." Suddenly she grinned at him, the first trace Max had seen of the old exuberant Rachel since he got there. "And I'm the one who's stuck here in a hospital bed, so maybe you should just indulge me!"

Max hadn't intended on saying anything at all, but it was so good to see some of Rachel's high spirits return that he couldn't help but give in. "Alright, but I don't think I ever told anyone about this before, so I mightn't be much good at it."

"I'm not expecting poetry," Rachel said wryly. "Just be yourself."

"Ha, yeah. Got it." Max sucked in a giant breath and scratched at the back of his head, surprised at how foolish he felt. "Well, actually, it was over your sister."

"Really?" Rachel was suddenly laughing like a lunatic, the tears rolling from her eyes those of pure mirth now. "You like my Sis?"

Max blanched, wondering just what it was that had compelled him to volunteer his deepest secret. "Man, I knew I shouldn't have said anything."

Rachel's expression softened as he spoke, and she made sure to offer him a sympathetic smile. "It's okay. I mean, I understand. Nell's smart and beautiful and lucky – however that works – I can see how you might fall in love with her. I don't think I'll ever be half as amazing as her."

"It was a long time ago," Max repeated, clasping his big hands together and staring at them as if they were made of gold. "Before we even knew Black Hole existed. Seems like another life, another world, after all the stuff that's gone down."

"But sometimes…" Rachel sighed. "Sometimes even time doesn't completely heal the pain."

He grunted again. "Yeah, and I guess… I guess I still look around and see how everything that happened back then made things end up here. Even though it was ages ago, it's still around, if that makes any sense." Max paused to roll his eyes at himself. "I sound nuts."

"No," Rachel said, reaching out and putting her hand on his. "You don't."

Max looked at her hand holding his and followed the line of her slender arm up to the comforting smile on her lips and warmth flowing from her red eyes. He took another breath and resolved to tell her the rest. She deserved to hear it after coming this far.

"So you know about me and your sister, but the other guy…" Max closed his eyes and swallowed. "It was Grit. The three of us were close back then. Real close – he was my best friend. But then we both felt the same way about her, and it ended up driving us apart."

"But Grit's a Blue Moon CO," Rachel said with a bewildered frown. "How were the three of you close back when the two countries were at war?"

Max breathed slowly in, surprise spreading across his broad face. "You didn't know that Grit's from Orange Star?"

Rachel stared at him for a few moments. "No, I didn't."

"Not even with the accent?"

"I just thought he was weird."

"Well then you don't know why he left," Max surmised. "Though you can probably make a guess by now."

"You don't mean that he defected because he was in love with my sister," Rachel said, her voice full of disbelief.

Max glanced away. "I dunno. He'll give a different answer every time you ask. I was too angry to even see it for a long time, but now… seems like it's the only thing that makes sense. That's the thing with Grit. He acts all aloof and laid back like he doesn't care 'bout anything, but underneath it all he's got a bigger heart than anyone else I know. I think he knew how I felt and so… he left."

"I'm sorry," Rachel said in a soft voice. "And my sister… she liked Grit, and he left… I can't believe she never told me anything about this."

Max got to his feet, stretching his muscles and flexing his arms. "I don't know for sure if she did like Grit, I only know she didn't feel that way 'bout me. That's something you'd have to ask her."

"Right." Rachel bowed her head a little, a chastised look coming over her.

Max couldn't help but wonder if he had been too abrupt and defensive. The reflex to push the feelings away, to avoid dwelling on the questions that had caused him so much pain for so long, was too strong. He'd just reacted without a second thought. By the time he knew what he was saying and how it might come across, the words had already come spilling out, and it was far too late to change them. Clumsy. No wonder Nell liked Grit more than him.

"Well, I'd better get going. Gotta head back out again."

"No rest for the wicked, huh?"

"Nope," Max said, his voice low and conflicted. He couldn't look Rachel in the eye as he hurried over to the door, unable to bear the thought that he had hurt her somehow.

"Max, wait!" Her eyes were full of pleading and remorse as they found him on the brink of departing. "I'm sorry if I hurt you. I didn't mean to."

"Hurt me?" Max echoed, confused. "You didn't. Not at all. It's just... hard for me to talk about." He offered up an apologetic look. "Guess I'm not as over everything as I thought."

She beamed a smile of pure relief. "Okay."

"You just relax," he said, one hand on the door frame. "You're gonna need your strength soon."

She closed her eyes and settled back into the cloud of pillows at her back. "Thank you," she said, her voice dreamy and quiet as she began to drift asleep.

"Anytime," Max murmured as he slipped out into the hall. "Anytime."