Disclaimer: this work borrows from the world of J.K. Rowling's Harry Potter books; some plot elements, characters, and concepts are hers.
Who's your daddy?
Harry lay in his bedroom at number 12 Grimmauld place, staring at the dark and discolored ceiling through his tears.
He had arrived from school a week ago; he had just finished his 6th year, and decided that he needed to destroy the Horcruxes more than he needed to attend his final year of school.
But what hope was there with Dumbledore gone? Who would guide him through his task?
His stream of depressed thoughts was interrupted by a flash of light and the sound of roaring flames for a moment.
Harry looked down to see Fawkes sitting on the footboard of his bed glaring at him.
"Fawkes? Why are you here?" Harry asked, sitting up. "Have you chosen me as your new owner?"
Fawkes snorted. "Owner indeed!" he chirped, making Harry blink in shock. "No one has ever owned me."
"You can talk?" He asked dumbly.
"Of course I can talk, every phoenix can talk, and the surprising thing is that you can understand me." Fawkes explained curtly.
"So this is kind of like Parseltongue, you are chirping like normal, but I hear talking?"
Fawkes sighed. "Something like that."
"But I didn't think that this was possible for a human." Harry said in confusion.
"You're not human, at least not pure human."
"What? Of course I'm human."
"Am I human Harry?" Fawkes asked patiently
"No, of course not, but what does that have to do with it anyway?" Harry replied hotly.
"Show a little more respect, I'm your father." Fawkes chirped.
"What the hell? You mean to tell me my mum was shagging a phoenix on the side?"
Fawkes sighed. "I wish, she was rather pretty, for a human." He said, his eyes growing distant. "What's wrong with you?"
Harry had suddenly developed a nervous twitch and dry heaves from hearing Fawkes talking about wanting to shag his mum.
"I'm fine" Harry said shakily. "How are you my father if you didn't shag my mum?"
Fawkes sighed. "Apparently the one called Sirius pulled a prank involving some of my ashes, and your parents were feeling rather amorous when said prank was pulled."
He explained.
"It would seem that they decided to get cleaned up afterwards, and while human birth control normally does work for humans, it does not take into account the regenerative effect that phoenix ashes have." Fawkes explained dryly
"So you are the first being to have two fathers, one human and one phoenix." He continued.
"That is why the killing curse bounced off of you all those years ago."
Harry fainted.
"Stupid humans!" Fawkes growled. "I guess this is why the council banned interbreeding with humans after the great orgy of 6082 B.C." He sighed. "Oh God that was a fun party."
"Of course they had to sink the continent it happened on too, I guess they got tired of us going back every few decades." He sighed. "Atlantis was a nice place for a vacation too."
