Never ever let me post a story again without having it completely finished before I start. Also, never ever let me (try to) write three stories at once ever again.
I'm back to work. Seriously this time.
Eh, its okay. I don't believe me either.
Also, I read the Complete Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy ... I think it shows. Maybe a little too much.
Ether for Sale!
Or,
Those Who Hunt Moogles
Chapter Six
Jymbo's Mortal Enemy: Gippal, of the Machine Faction!
Ten years ago...
"Snore..."
Jymbo slapped Teityr awake for the third time. "Dammit boy, I'm not gonna try to explain this again!" Grouchily, he dropped to the ground, sat cross-legged, and folded his arms across his chest, pointedly not looking at Teityr.
"I'm sorry! Something about stories in italics just makes me fall asleep!"
Jymbo and Teityr were sitting at the gated area, where the Mi'hien Highroad changed into the Mushroom Rock Road. Around them, various people stood about, minding their own business. Except for the Prophet, who kept trying to hand them flyers.
"Y'know..." Jymbo thought out loud. "We could zoom right past those Machine Faction geeks if we snagged us a Chocobo..."
Teityr arched an eyebrow. "Haven't you been listening? There aren't any Chocobo's on the highroad anymore. Hovers and Fiends? That loony Prophet has been rambling about it for twenty minutes."
"And lo," intoned the Prophet, "The Big-Chocobo said to the Little Boco..."
"Makes me want to bring them back, just so I can shut him up," Teityr growled.
Jymbo dug around in his pockets, inside his vest, and eventually in his pants. Finally (from his pants) he produced a tiny stone, which he tossed on the ground.
"What's that?" Teityr asked, moving away as inconspicuously as he could.
"This is a Choco-Lure!" Jymbo jumped up, grinning broadly. "Now all I have to do is remember how it works, and summon a Chocobo!"
"But...Why do you keep it in your pants?" Teityr asked.
Jymbo nodded gravely. "That is a long, and rambling story. It all began one day..."
"Snore..." Teityr snored, falling over onto the grass.
Jymbo snapped his fingers. "Mog, remember how to use this thing?"
"Use the Choco-carina, kupopo."
Jymbo snapped his fingers, nodding quickly. "That's right! Now where did I put that thing..." He fumbled around in his pants, finding it. "Ah ha! Now...how did that go again?"
Mog dug himself out of the bag, perching atop Teityr's chest. "X, Circle, X, R1, Triangle, kupo."
Jymbo examined the Choco-carina, then glanced at Mog, then examined the Choco-carina again. There were no such symbols on it. "Uh...let's just try...this!" Jymbo smashed the Choco-carina against the stone, shattering them both.
They waited silently, looking from one direction to the next. Neither Mog nor Jymbo could spy a Chocobo. "Hunk of junk."
A Chocobo arrived from the east, peering about in confusion. "Wark?" it asked.
Jymbo and Mog exchanged glances, before waking Teityr and leaping onto the back of the Chocobo. "C'mon boy! Let's go!"
The Prophet kept intoning; by bad luck or fate, his back was to the Chocobo. Everyone else standing there saw it, and tried to point it out, but he just kept babbling.
"And Choco said to Bocobo, Wark-wark warkity wark!" The Prophet waited for applause, but there was no one listening, so he got none. He cleared his throat, completely misinterpreting the situation, and explained, "It loses some in the translation, but the story means we must fight for the noble Chocobo!"
"Uh...Prophet?" his assistant asked.
"Chocobo, away!" Jymbo yelled, and he, a sleepy Teityr, and Mog rode off.
Finally, the Prophet stopped, and held out his hand dramatically to his assistant. Playing up the role of 'savior', as always. He claimed not to enjoy it, but he obviously did. "What is it, Celia?"
She opened her mouth, but then wisely said nothing. "Nevermind. Please, continue."
Ten years ago...Calm Lands: Edge of the Scar
"Uid uv dra fyo! Mad sa cruud ed!" the Al Bhed man shouted. ("Out of the way! Let me shoot it!")
"Shooting it won't help!" Jymbo snapped back, dancing away from the Fiend. It was some kind of giant gray-skinned Behemoth, the fur on its back shock-white, zig-zagged with black. It stood on its hind legs, seemingly impervious to attack. It ignored the bullets bouncing off of its hide and stretched, muscles rippling under leathery skin.
He stabbed at it with his spear, but the point just slid across the hide, not even scratching it. It swiped at him without really looking -both knew he couldn't harm the beast- and started closing in on its real prey.
Mog got groggily to his feet, flapping his wings in an effort to maintain his balance. The Behemoth reached out with a gigantic hand, seizing the little Mog and bringing it to his mouth. Teeth dripping a black, viscous saliva, it smacked its lips hungrily as it tossed Mog into the air.
"Kupopo!" Mog cried.
"No!" Jymbo shouted.
There was a loud click from behind them, so loud it shook even the beast. Then a beam fired, catching the Behemoth, and flinging it over the edge of the chasm, to a screaming death. Mog fell through the dissipating energy, and struck the ground: pom-pom smoking, looking frazzled.
Jymbo ran to his Moogle, picking it up carefully. "You all right Mog?" he carefully patted out the tiny flame on Mog's pom-pom.
"Mog Aid, kupo!" Mog said, gleaming brightly for the second it took the skill to bring him back to health, and becoming his old self again. "Kupopo..."
The Ether Salesman turned and saw the Machina weapon -a massive suit of armor, only slightly resembling an Iron Giant- shaking and sputtering behind them, a trail of flaming grass leading from one of its arm cannons to where Jymbo stood. Then suddenly, it too burst into flames. Someone leapt out of the back, and laughed as his Machina shook itself apart.
"Whoo...that was something, eh?" The young Al Bhed slapped his knees (putting out small fires) and chuckled. "Finally got to test the..." He hesitated for a moment, then shrugged. "Okay, so I haven't named it yet. But it still works!" Surveying the damage done to his machine, he cleared his throat. "Well...Worked."
Jymbo stalked up, and shoved Mog under his nose. "You! Look what you've done! You know how many Kupo nuts and alcohol its going to take to regrow the burnt hair!"
The Al Bhed scratched his chin, before standing up, and putting one foot on the opposite leg's knee. "Gotta say...he does look much prettier now."
"ULTIMA-" Mog tried to shout, but Jymbo clamped a hand over his mouth.
"Look you damned broom-headed chicken!" Jymbo snapped. "You burnt my Moogle! I demand compensation! And stop standing there like a rooster -you look like you're about to start pecking the ground!"
"Hey old man!" the Al Bhed shouted back. "Don't call me a chicken! Or a broom-head! And I'll stand however I damn well please, you...you... lnaabo yhleahd vukao!"
"Creepy ancient fogey! That's it, you...you..." Jymbo frowned, leaning back and examining his opponent. "Who the hell are you, anyways?"
"What!" The Al Bhed reached out and grabbed Jymbo by his shirt. "I've told you nineteen times, my name is Gippal! You hired me to fight off these Mog Eaters; the least you could do is remember my name!"
"Oh yeah, that's right...Well forget it! I'm not paying you! You burnt my Moogle, so you can stick that foot up your ass, and walk like a dumbass chicken all the way to Luca!" Jymbo snorted, slapped away Gippal's hand, and stalked off towards path to Gagazet.
"You...you can't do this!" Gippal shouted after him.
"You're wrong about that, Chumpy!" Jymbo yelled, making a rude gesture just before vanishing out of sight.
"Its Gippal! GIPPAL, you old...bastard!" Gippal turned and kicked one of the unnamed machina's legs (the only piece of it still standing, and not smoldering on the ground).
The Present
"Why don't you tell Teityr you still haven't paid your debt to Gippal, and that's why you have to run past the Machine faction?" Jymbo glanced at Mog with an arched eyebrow, and the Mog quickly added, "Kupopo?"
"Because, its against the Gak Code of Sales," Jymbo snapped, waving at the road ahead of him. "Now shut up, and help me." Jymbo seized another loose thread from Teityr's shirt, and pulled at it, until he had a healthy ball of string, and Teityr had no shirt. He carefully looped it through some tree branches, and then wrapped it around the Chocobo's midsection.
"How come there was a Chocobo on the Highroad, kupo?"
Jymbo shrugged, grabbing some more branches, and wrapping them around the uncomfortable Chocobo's head with liberal amounts of the stolen thread.
"Why not go make peace with Gippal, kupo? Will I ever evolve into a Moomba, kupo? Why is the sky blue, kupo?"
Jymbo stared at the sky, before grabbing Mog and stuffing him back into Teityr's pack. He leapt up onto the Chocobo, which now hung its head in regret, sorry it had ever come to check on the sound of a Choco-carina being smashed. Jymbo snapped the reins (standard equipment available on every Chocobo) and they trotted slowly down the path.
Unbeknowst to our noble salesmen, the Shakes family was currently in negotiations with the Al Bhed. And by negotiations, what I mean is...
"...Give me your freakin' scooter, you swirly-eyed geek!" Shaker snarled, punching out a driver. He grabbed the man, and bodily flung him into some nearby bushes. Solt and Peppor stood gawking.
"What's the matter with you?" Shaker stalked towards them, shoving them back towards the Djose Temple. "Go block the damn path! I can't spend the whole day beating up these people!" He paused, glancing up the road -to where their quarry was unwittingly walking into their trap- and then towards the Machine Faction's temple. "Although..."
"Y-yes! Of course!" Solt said, saluting quickly. "We'll get right on it! Of that you can be certainly certain!"
Peppor wasn't paying attention, as he pushed a Hypello's head back and ran a razor carefully under its chin. Shaker and Solt both stared at their brother, slack-jawed with confusion. With a heavy sigh, Shaker stalked off to set up his ambush, muttering obscenities under his breath.
"Peppor? Peppor, what are you doing?" Solt asked, tappingly-tapping his brother on the shoulder. "We are supposed to be guarding the path from the Temple, so no Al Bhed discover our theft of their technologies."
The heavyset Shakes' brother looked away from the Hypello only briefly. "Don't shakin' know! One shake, he was complainin' about the bandits on the Moonflow, then he asked me to shakin' shave him!" He shrugged, and put his hand on the squirming blue fellow's face, twisting his head to the side. "Got big shakin' wobbly fingers too, so I figured I'd give him a hand."
Solt considered the Hypello, and then nodded. "True, true. His hands are rather ill-suited to hold a razor. Perhaps you should check his chin again...That's where the most stubbornly-stubborn hair resides."
"No, its the shakin' cheekbones!" Peppor exclaimed, turning away from the Hypello. He gestured pointedly at Solt's face with the razor, flicking bits of shaving cream at him.
At this moment, Shaker was daydreaming...his favorite daydream was the one where he imagined what life would be if he were an only child. He sat atop some rocks, resting his chin on his hands and his elbows on his knees, and devoted a great deal of concentration to the daydream. Of course, since he could still hear his brothers argument about shaving, it was an exceptionally difficult task.
It was then that two things happened:
Jymbo's poorly-done camoflague fell out of place, and the branches slid into the Chocobo's eyes. It let out a terrified "Wark!" and began to run back and forth haphazardly, all over the road. Jymbo and Teityr held on desperately, but each time they grabbed the reins they'd cut their hands on the rather thorny branches Jymbo had picked for his camoflague.
And then the second thing happened... three bandits appeared from the path towards the Moonflow, and stood by the traveler's map, scowling about. You probably figured out that the Hypello was not in fact saying "Shave me". He had said "Save me", but figured if he was going to get a free trim out of someone else's misunderstanding, who was he to complain? However, upon seeing the bandits, he panicked, wrestled himself free of the Shakes brothers, and fled into the bushes where he'd concealed his chocobos and his cart. Except...his chocobo was missing.
"Mishing! Imposhibibble!" the Hypello exclaimed, searching quickly under the branches for several terrified seconds, before it decided to do what Hypello do best.
He waved his hands frantically in the air, and shouted, "Shave me! Shave me!"
Gippal stepped off of the bridge -having come to check on his missing workers- in a perfect position to see the pandemonium. An insane chocobo on his left, bandits charging from the Moonflow, a Hypello in the bushes dancing about comically -"Shave me! Shave me!"- and two men struggling through the brush -"We're tryingly-trying!"- in an attempt to reach the blue fellow.
"Fryd dra...?" (What the...?) he began, when Shaker leaped to his feet.
"There they are!" he shouted, pointing at the Chocobo. Realizing abruptly his brothers weren't coming to his aid, he stood in the road, arms spread. He had no choice but to attempt to catch the rampaging Chocobo. "I've got you now, Moogle!"
Aboard the panicky Chocobo, Teityr had seized some feathers on the left side of the Chocobo's neck, and was tugging frantically left, while Jymbo had seized some feather on the opposite side, and was tugging frantically right. They were going to hit someone, since they could only barely control the Chocobo, and each had their own idea about who.
"Stop gramps! That's the guy that tried to steal Mog!" Teityr shouted. Teityr didn't actually want to run anyone down, but he figured better a thief then a stranger.
"And that's Chumpy, the Machine Faction leader!" Jymbo shouted back, a mad grin splitting his face. "Gippal," corrected Mog helpfully. "Whatever!" both Jymbo and Teityr snapped.
The Chocobo finally decided it had had enough, and skidded to a halt, flinging off the Ether salesmen. It then shook off all the branches, lowered its head, and charged forward. Shaker turned his head to follow the flight of the Gaks, while using every obscenity he knew.
With a loud "WARK!" the Chocobo bowled him over, and continued forward, smashing through all the bandits, and the other bumbling Shakes brothers. Only two people escaped the enraged Chocobo's wrath. Gippal -who had simply stepped back, leaned against the signpost with the map and watched- and the Hypello, which reached out with a wobbly hand to catch the Chocobo's reins, and deftly hooked it to his Chocobo-less cart.
The angry Chocobo didn't slow, and dragged the cart along wildly behind it; the poor, shaven Hypello hanging on for dear life.
(Footnote) I don't dislike Gippal; Jymbo's just a jerk.
