ZEDD
After Kira left, I realized two things - she has wisdom beyond her years and she was right. I do need to word myself carefully if Thomas is even going to listen to me, much less consider anything else. I take a breath while I organize my thoughts. "Thomas, love, do you remember telling me that you don't end your relationships?" He nods. "Well, I am the one who usually ends mine - and often because I've been, well, used or cheated on. After Annwyl, I didn't have any relationships for a long time. At first because I was too hurt and then because I was too busy making a name for myself. Honestly, most of them were convenience for me. There were very few of them that evoked true emotion between him and you and the few that did, well, it was nothing like what I'd had with him and I've already told you that was nothing to what we have together."
I take another breath. "When I saw what I saw, yes I jumped to a conclusion, but it's kind of like your stove metaphor. I, too, have been burned before and this time it felt like I had been told that the stove was cold so I laid my hand on it. You said once that what we have happened so fast and is so deep and powerful that it scares you sometimes. Well, Thomas, it does me too and I couldn't stand the idea that, as much as I love you, that you might not love me the same and suddenly realized that, thus your behavior."
He rolls his eyes. "Zedd, you've felt what I feel for you through the bond. You know better than that."
"Again, I also felt your arousal through the bond. Something that, until then, I hadn't felt from you that strongly for anyone but me. That coupled with your odd request to even go to a place you have stated before you hate, and that I only enjoy because of the fights and easy targets to con out of money, it almost seemed like you were setting me up to put on a show as Annwyl did."
Taking a breath and shaking his head, his response is one I should have seen coming. "Zedd, I'm not Annwyl. I know he hurt you, but I would like to think that you know me a little better than to think I'd end our relationship in such a callous and heartless way as to openly cheat on you to get rid of you. I don't run away from my problems like that."
"But yet you were planning to leave me anyway" I point out.
Suddenly seeming to realize how his behavior apparently doesn't quite fit with his earlier statement, he much to his credit however is quick to recover. "Because, of all the things my exes thought of me or accused me of, cheating was never one of them. I had no bond with any of them for them to know how committed I was, and yet none of them ever even suggested such a thing" he confesses in his turn. "If they knew, without a bond, that I wouldn't do that, why didn't you?"
Sighing myself now it's my turn to remind him of something he seems to have, like me with Annwyl, forgotten. "Thomas, much like you keep insisting you are not Annwyl, I am not any of your ex-mates. I'm glad they never accused you of straying, but from how you've described your relationships with them, I am honestly uncertain why they ever would. You yourself have stated how you remained on hip to them constantly throughout each relationship until they ended it, and not once I believe did you ever describe a scenario that even came close to what occurred at the bar. Also I never accused you to cheating on me, I told you what I thought was occurring and why, that's not so much me thinking you were straying or cheating as you were leaving me and because of that I didn't actually think about it. All I knew was that it looked like you were, you know, and the bond and I reacted. Honestly it was all I could do not to storm over there and throw you both across the damn bar."
Softly, he says, "I'd almost rather have had you hit me than to shut me out the way you did."
"I didn't know what else to do. I needed time and I couldn't even talk to you to explain it to you because at first all I could think about was how I was never going to trust or be with anyone ever again and later how I was going to deal with you bringing other mates home and not kill us all out of rage and jealousy."
"Again, I knew you needed time, Zedd it's just- wait what?" Pausing and looking at me oddly, he backtracks a bit. "What did you just say?"
"What?" Looking at him warily and fairly certain I didn't say anything to screw this up yet, I rethink my last statement before giving a lost shrug. "I was never going to trust or be mates with anyone ever again?"
"No, the other part."
"How I'd try not to kill us all out of spite when you brought your new mates home?"
"Yeah, that." Okay, did he want me to say I'd kill anyone else he decided to leave me for? Still confused, he thankfully elaborates a bit. "You thought I was leaving you, you assumed I was doing it in the most tactless, heartless way possible, and yet you still expected me to live with you at the palace?"
"Well, it's your home. Or at least I thought it was until you called Jason. Also I thought maybe that if I gave you enough time and space to figure out whatever it was I thought you were doing you'd maybe reconsider and realize you still belonged with me. Something I figured wouldn't happen if you were gone."
"Zedd, I…Zedd I honestly don't know what to say to that. You couldn't have possibly thought that would have been a good idea though."
"I didn't think it'd be an easy idea" I admit. "But I figured if I could keep from fighting with you and let you do what you felt you had to, we'd at least stand some chance in the end."
"But we can't stop fighting."
"What?"
"Look, when we're not fighting, things are great. The problem is we seem to be fighting more not less and that's just not how it should be."
"Thomas, we've been together all of a few months - not even a year. We're still learning. Besides I, I don't know, I like to fight, and thought, well you did too." At his highly doubtful look, I elaborate quickly. "Not fighting to emotionally hurt each other, but Thomas we're both males, both extremely hardheaded, stubborn, and more times than not convinced we're right despite all logic and reason saying otherwise. We fight, it's what we do. And when there are no actual opponents to fight against we have to do something with that pent up energy and as much as I love mating with you, we can't do so every moment of every day as it's just not feasible. Our squabbles are just that, any major arguments we've had we tend to resolve rather quickly, this one aside."
"Look I'm not denying couples fight. And yes we are both male, and yes we are both stubborn as hell, but Zedd, a lot of these fights really shouldn't have even turned into more than squabbles and wouldn't have if you'd only taken two minutes to think about what you were upset about."
Knowing he's right, I think it over for a minute before trying one last argument. "Thomas you said earlier I'm not a teenager so you don't understand why I tend to act like one were we're concerned. Well I might not be that young in years, intellegence, and maturity, however emotionally that's what I'm very close to. My species doesn't handle emotions well, as I and Andros have told you. Add in the fact I basically had to disregard any emotions aside rage while doing what I did for Spector as I would have ended up getting myself killed and I'm basically relearning how to process and deal with a lot of what I feel where you're concerned. It's like…okay, remember when I'd first rescued you from that facility? Remember how off you were from the amount of drugs they were giving you?" At his nod I continue. "It's like that. You basically had one emotion you were working with at the time, fear, and that was only thanks to the abuse you endured, the rest of the time you just felt-"
"Numb."
"Right. That's what I'm working with here. For hundreds of years I've been focused on and in control of one emotion, rage. The rest of the time I've just been, as you were, numb. Not because of any drugs or injury, but because it's just how I survived after so long. After Zordon's little attempted self-sacrifice, I got a little better, but only because of Goldar and Scorpina showing me that someone else actually cares whether I live or die. They didn't have to save me, Thomas, and they sure as hell didn't have to give up their lives to take care of me. The fact they did all they did by their own choice helped to break through that numbness. But love, I was still trying to get used to dealing with more than one emotion at a time again when you came along and needed me to help you like they helped me. Then throw in the onslaught of love, jealousy, fear, concern, depression, and all the rest that I get from the bond and are you honestly surprised I act like a bipolar teenager? In truth, thinking on it now, I'm honestly a little amazed I haven't killed us all yet."
He considers this for a minute before he shakes his head again. "I don't know, Zedd. I need to think."
"Can I at least stay with you while you think?"
"I'm doubtful I have enough energy to make you leave." He turns away from me, sighing heavily.
Not knowing what else to do, I sit in Kira's abandoned chair laying my arms and head on the edge of the bed. Softly, I say, "I didn't give up on our relationship or us, love. If I had, I would have packed your things for you - and long before you did."
I don't say anything else, but knowing that he's at least back with us settles my mind somewhat and I fall asleep as I wait.
