Elixir for Sale
Or
The Thousand Enemies of Jymbo Gak

Chapter Nine
Grandma Dub, Jymbo's Mortal Enemy #24

From the Sphere Diary of Callo Dub:

"Your move...Anuella!" Grandma Dub slapped down her cards on the table, grinning toothily at her adversary (which was no mean feat, as she had so few). Anuella frowned over her cards. "You uh...you went first."

"What?" Grandma Dub asked, thrown off by the abrupt change in tactics.

"You just said 'Your move' and then laid out your cards. Which completely makes no sense at all, because it was my turn."

"Uh..." This gave Grandma a bit of a pause. She looked to me, and I buried my nose into my diary, pretending not to pay attention. I still don't know why we came all the way to Kilika...though really, its not as if we could keep journeying, with all our product destroyed, we had nothing to sell. Nothing to sell meant no money for the inn. And Grandma isn't on great terms with the guy who owns all the travel agencies.

"So! Trying to confuse me, eh!" Grandma shouted, leaping onto the table. It was hard not to giggle at the sight of her trying to intimidate a woman ten times her size...and four times mine. My grandma launched into a long-winded diatribe on the perils of confusing a Dub, and from the sound of it, it was a speech she'd given before. Many times.

A large tentacle snaked around her ankle at that point, raising her into the air. I don't know how anyone missed it, as it had stretched across the eight feet from the kitchen. It waved my Grandma at Anuella Gak threateningly, as though it was arming itself for battle. Anuella just reached over and grabbed the tentacle and tugged roughly. It dropped Grandma, and we both stared in horror as Anuella slammed it against the table repeatedly, calmly surveying the cards in her free hand as she did battle.

When she let it go, it slithered back into the kitchen, and Gran and I leaned in our seats to see through the door...and watched as the tentacle replaced a lid on the pot it was trapped in.

Grandma took a deep breath, and I stomped on her foot under the table, not wanting her to ruin my chances at true happiness. Grandma yelped loudly, and grabbed her foot; if Anuella noticed, she gave no reaction.

"What can you tell me about Jymbo, Mrs. Gak!" I exclaimed.

Anuella shrugged, collecting the cards and shuffling them with an ease I was certain was practiced. "He's a lazy bum, a bit of a whiner, he snores, and he hasn't done an honest days work in his life...but I love him all the same."

This time I was the one given pause. "...What?"

Anuella sighed dreamily, resting her chin in her hands like a lovestruck girl -much as I'd been doing since we first arrived at the Gak home- and said, "My husband may be many things, but he's always been good to me."

"Your...husband!" My eyes burned furiously. I don't know when, but somewhere on the long trip from the Moonflow, I'd realized that I'd fallen desperately, impossibly in love with the boy I'd met who was now so far away...and married!

"Excuse me!" I said quickly, painfully aware of my squeaky voice. I rushed to the corner, and cried and cried.

"Uh..." Anuella said. "Why do you ask?"

"Because!" Grandma hissed through the few teeth she had. "That little fart sabotaged my shipment of Elixir!"

At this point they both looked at me, because my wailing set the monkey's screeching from the roof back off towards the jungle.

"Look what he's done!" Granny tsked loudly, trying to be heard over my infinite sorrow. "She had her heart set on this journey."

"Jymbo...sabotage? Hah! He hasn't the motivation to tend to husbandly matters, much less matters of espionage."

"WWWWAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!"


Callo put the Sphere into my bag, and sniffed despairingly. Watching herself flee Anuella's home had been just as depressing the second time. She didn't notice a young woman approach until she was standing next to me. "Hey, who are those creepy guys?" she asked.

Callo glanced up at her, and then in the direction the girl nodded. "Oh..." she said weakly. "Those are my suitors. They're trying to get my hand in marriage."

"All of them?" The girl asked. "There's like twenty guys."

"Hmm. I guess the ones I threw off the docks must've crawled out of the ocean, then."

The girl hesitated a moment, then sat down beside Callo. "So uh...Why are you sitting out here?"

"I just found out the man I love is married to another woman, and I needed some time to think." Callo hung her head sadly, wondering why she was discussing the matter with a complete stranger, as opposed to flinging herself off of the docks next.

Of course, the suitors would just dive in to save me... Callo thought.

"Well...try not to think about it," the girl said. She looked away quickly, realizing how completely unhelpful the advice was. "...My name's Iya, by the way."

"Callo." Callo extended a hand weakly, letting Iya shake it: which she did with an overabundance of energy that was either compensation for being unable to console her, or nervousness from being stared at by so many creepy suitors.

"You should really find yourself a hobby," Iya said quickly. "Something to distract your mind from-"

"-all consuming despair?" Callo interrupted.

Iya hesitated. "Uh...yeah."

Callo frowned. "Yeah...Yeah, you're right, I mean, what does it matter if he was my only love?" Callo leapt to her feet, placing her hands on her hips. "I'm not some...some wimpy island girl that can't do anything except sit at home and wait for her lover to return!"

"Yeah! ...wait, what?"

"I'm going to go out right now, and do something to distract myself from the absolute meaninglessness of life without love!"

Iya stammered. "I...I can do things..."

Callo didn't notice, grinning with newfound confidence. "Thanks Iya!" She rushed off down the docks, leaving the Kilika Island girl behind her.

"You're...welcome..." Iya said sadly.

Half the suitors fled the scene after Callo, while half remained, watching Iya slip into depression. "It seems her heart is broken," commented Suitor #4.

"Indeed," replied Suitor #15. "Such a lovely girl -as lovely as Callo, I daresay- should never be allowed to be sad! We must cheer her!"

"And perhaps, win her love..." sighed Suitor #20.

The first to approach Iya was flung into the ocean, and the rest decided to admire her from afar.

Meanwhile, Callo reached the gates to the jungle, where an old man and a young man were glaring at each other furiously. "Hey, you two! Guys, or whatever!" Callo shouted.

"What?" they snapped back, not breaking their angry staring contest.

"What kind of things are around here for a young girl to do-"

The young man -a Youth League representative- whipped around quickly, a smile breaking out on his face.

"-when she has become bitter, despairing, and old before her time?" Callo finished, beaming at them. The young man's smile slipped away, and the older man leaped in front of him, taking Callo's hand. "Despair? Bitterness? Why, that's what New Yevon is all about! Right this way...I'll need you to fill out some forms..."

"Of course! Religion!" Callo exclaimed gleefully. She allowed the old man to show her towards a conveniently placed New Yevon drafting booth. "Why didn't I think of that?"


"Hey gramps..." Teityr asked, leaning back in the soft cushy sofa fastened to the back of the Shoopuff. "You ever get the feeling somebody somewhere is confusing you with an evil, dirty little goblin?"

"All the time," Jymbo said. "Hey driver, are we there yet? Don't spare the whip!"

"Wot?" the Hypello asked as it turned in its seat and boggled its eyes at Jymbo, completely uncomprehending.

"I said snap this thing into gear! Put the spurs to it! Lets go go go!" Jymbo said, hopping in place, his fury mounting as the Hypello continued to stare at him with googly eyes.

"Gramps wants to know when we reach shore," Teityr said, grabbing Jymbo and forcing him to sit. Jymbo folded his arms furiously, but said nothing more.

"Ah. Shoon. Yesh," the Hypello waved his arms at them in a gesture that could have meant anything, and returned to driving.

"See?" Teityr said. "Relax."

"I need a drink," Jymbo said, still grumping with all his might.

"Kupo," Mog seconded. Teityr threw up his hands helplessly. "Fine. Fine. Why don't we just blow all our cash at some dive in Guadosalam, and then head home in disgrace."

Jymbo brightened considerably, clapping Teityr on the back. "Now you're getting the hang of what it means to be a Ether Salesman!"

Teityr just sighed and buried his face in his hands.