TOMMY
I really don't know what to do. I guess I understand better why he reacted the way he did, but still to just assume that I'd behave like that worries me for the future. I mean, I know I'm not the best looking guy in the universe, but with my now extended lifespan it's not impossible that it could happen again - or something similar and to deal with this nightmare all over again- hell.
The week that Zedd was avoiding me was the worst week of my life. Knowing that he was doing everything he could to not see me - that hurt worse than the letter from Kim. Though at least I have a slightly better understanding of why he was doing it. And that in mind has he lost his damn mind? He'd actually try and put up with me moving a new lover into the palace after supposedly cheating on him? Right, and if Goldar didn't tear the hypothetical woman limb from limb, I'm not so certain Zedd wouldn't throw her in a pit of snakes out in the woods - never mind what Pina would do. Still though, you have to give the man some credit, out of all the desperate - though very misguided and slightly pathetic - ways he could have shown he still cared, that would be a big one. Damn it, I have to make a decision - give him another chance or not? This would have been so much easier if he'd just said what he said a week ago!
I do love him, I have no doubt about it. I know he loves me, I've felt it through the bond enough. Not to mention that he has a point about why we fight so much. It's not the only reason, but it does explain some of it.
If I do stick to what I said before, that we're done as mates and I'm moving back home, I know that I'll never be able to have another relationship of any depth or length again. My own species is too short lived and I wasn't lying about not leaving the planet again if I do go back to stay. But can I really live with him acting, as he said, like a five year old who doesn't get his way? I can't even imagine having kids with him if that's going to be the case. Not to mention him saying that I have to help him mature out of it. I know it's not the same as raising a child, but in a way it really is. However, on the other hand again, didn't he honestly do the same for me? When he rescued me, no one forced him to take on the task of caring for me himself, his supposed debt to me would have easily been paid by the rescue alone and he could have simply handed me back off to the kids and Hayley, or hell even a former Ranger he knew better like Jason. He saw how screwed up I was and took it upon himself before even knowing about the bond to tend to me and try and teach me, and now with me aware of what we are, can I honestly deny him the same caring and understanding?
Suddenly, at the recollection of how Zedd took care of me and why, my train of thought changes to something else. I have no idea how long Wopenga had me, nor what he may have done to me while he did. Once I realized that he wasn't going to take my refusal easily, I forced myself into a meditation before I panicked so that I wouldn't know what he did to me. For all I know, I was there for a long time. So much he could have done to me…
I push away the, frankly, terrifying thoughts and return my attention to my current problem, who is snoring lightly on the edge of my bed. I can't look at him or I know I'll cave, no matter what I really think I should do. Even as that thought crosses my mind, I know what I'm going to do. Part time misery and a handful of verbal battles every few months, beats the hell out of living in misery day after day with no hope of happiness at all, and if I leave him I know that will be the outcome. I'll have my family and friends back on Earth for a brief time, they'll annoy the hell out of me trying to cheer me up, which won't work, and then in the next fifty years or so they'll be gone and I'll be alone. Damn Jason is gonna be pissed.
Sighing heavily to myself, I finally look at Zedd. He's sound asleep - a much needed sleep by the look of him - but his brow is furrowed. Whatever he's dreaming about isn't pleasant. He makes a noise of distress, triggering my own protective response. "Shh, it's all right."
I run my fingers through his hair soothingly. He mutters in his sleep. "It's not all right. Have to fix this. Have to help him."
Doubting I'll get an answer, I ask, "Help who?"
"Thomas." Oh hell. He's probably dreaming about me being a prisoner.
"I'm all right. You saved me. I'm safe now."
He mumbles something else that I can't make out. I'm about to wake him when he suddenly jerks awake on his own. "Thomas, no!"
"Easy, Zedd. I'm here. I'm all right."
He looks around confused until he remembers where he is and why. His eyes close as he exhales heavily. Finally, he looks up at me. "Thomas, I have never begged anyone for anything ever, but I'm begging you now. Please, love, don't go back to Earth to stay. Come home. Even if you don't want to be with me anymore, I'll find a way to accept that and leave you and your new mate alone. I'll do whatever you want, just please don't leave. Please."
I take his hand gently. "What were you dreaming about, Zedd? What has you so upset?"
He shudders. "Don't go back to Earth."
"Zedd, you need to tell me why, mate. What's wrong?"
"It was about a hundred years after you left me to go back to Earth. Through all that time, Pina or Dar were the ones to go to that planet anytime we needed anything because I didn't want to take a chance that I'd see you happy with someone else. Finally, they pushed me to go, pointing out that they'd never seen you on any of their visits so it should be fine. I'm not sure why I was, but I was walking down the street and I was approached by an obviously homeless man. He asked me for money, but I told him that what I had would be no use to him. He turned away and something about how he moved was familiar. I called out your name and he stopped. He didn't turn around but said, 'Someone I loved once called me that.' It was you, homeless, dirty and ill kempt. You were - insane. The short version of the story was that all of your friends and colleagues on the planet had died, your home was taken away from you because nobody believed that you were who you said you were because you still looked the way you did when you left the planet. You had nobody to go to and nowhere to stay and no way to get to me or any other off planet Rangers and no way to call for help as your communicator had broken some fifty years before. When your money ran out, you started living on the streets, slowly losing your mind to the point that you barely remembered me and nothing at all about the bond so I couldn't even prove to you that it was me and I could help you." He shudders again. Jeez, not saying that's the most logical of dreams, especially with SPD going to have a base on Earth, but still, I can indeed see his concern now.
"Okay, just a fast reassurance here. Chances are even when my friends pass, they will by that time have had children, who very likely at some point in their lives will have been told about all of us being Rangers and why I don't seem to age to them. So even if something occurred with my holdings and I had an inability to reach you or any current Rangers for help, I feel almost certain Jason's offspring, or even members of my family's tribe would protect me and find a way to make certain I was taken care of until I can get other help. Never mind what would happen when I just stop showing up at the Ranger reunions. On another note, I also find it hard to believe that - even if I did go back to stay - Pina and Dar wouldn't keep tabs on me in case you needed me."
"They probably will" he sighs. "Would you please at least meet with Goldar and Scorpina when they go to Earth? Just to at least reassure me you're safe and –" He freezes suddenly. "Wait, what do you mean if you did go back to stay?"
Cautiously, I say, "I had already decided to come back to the palace and try again. If you want me to." Much to my disbelief, tears start to roll down his face. In all the time I've been with him, I've never seen Zedd cry. As worn out as I am, I force my body to sit up and take him in my arms. He wraps his arms around my waist and lets himself go. I pull him up on the bed to lie with me, arms tightening around him when he's settled. Somewhere in the back of my mind I realize that what he said about his inability to deal with emotions explains a lot about his behavior when I first met him. Recalling how unintentionally hostile and business-like he behaved when trying to reassure me those first few days, seeming frustrated and confused when I kept shrinking away from him now makes much more sense if he wasn't used to dealing with any fear of his own for how long. The same very likely being the case with how awkward he was whenever I cried on him the first few times, completely uncertain how to hold or comfort me. If he was too hurt to recall how Scorpina and Goldar comforted him when he needed it, it's easy to see why he looked so panic stricken and lost now. "It's okay, love. It's going to be okay."
I soothe him as best I can until his sobs taper off. After some time, I'm fairly certain he's exhausted himself and fallen back asleep. "Oh, Zedd. What am I going to do with you?"
Softly he answers, "Forgive me and love me?"
Unable to help the slight smile this causes, I heave a soft sigh. "Done." I realize that, with him so much calmer I can clear something up. "And, by the way mate, yes I do hate going to that bar, but you don't and I wanted to do something for you that you'd like. Pina suggested the bar, though I think we can now agree that that wasn't the best of ideas."
He groans softly. "Thomas, I'm so sorry. I didn't even think about that once she - attacked you."
I chuckle lightly. "I don't know that I'd exactly call it an attack, Zedd. An assault maybe. Either way though from now on maybe we should just stick to outings in more subdued locations. At least until we reach a point that we're not so paranoid about each other leaving or someone else turning my head - or yours."
"That's probably a good idea. Besides, I'd rather take you somewhere without so much noise and distraction. That's why I suggested dinner, so we could have a quiet evening together."
"Dinner it is then next time. I just hope the waiter doesn't start flirting with me or else I have a feeling we're going to end up banned from the restaurant" I tease slightly, smiling a bit as he hugs me tighter and mutters out another soft apology about his jumping to conclusions and lack of sense. "I'm just teasing. I know at worse you'll just throw him in the lobster tank."
"As long as he doesn't touch you, I'll settle for threatening him with a fork."
"What would warrant a spoon?"
"I don't know…touching your butt maybe?" He shrugs and changes the subject. "Thomas, what was in that beaker that you drank the day I came to talk to you in the lab?"
I sigh. "Nothing dangerous, Zedd. I hadn't been eating much that week and when I did eat it was upsetting my stomach. So I'd mixed together something that would settle my stomach and provide me some of what I was missing. I'd warmed it up a bit to help it go down easier because, while it works, it tastes nasty."
He sighs in relief and snuggles more tightly against me. "When you wouldn't tell me what it was, it scared me." At my curious look he elaborates a bit. "Thomas you're at times too intelligent for your own good. I worry about you when you get in a certain mindset that things are bad beyond repair and that you need to do something about it, usually at the cost of your own safety or wellbeing."
"Zedd I'm hardly Billy, nor am I suicidal."
"Maybe not, but when depressed you seem to sink much further and faster into despair than most. Also while not William, you are however just as intelligent if not more so in your own way. Some of the things you come up with, your biomechanics, the raptors, hell even your whole lair should be more than enough proof for you to see how intelligent you are."
"Maybe, either way though I wasn't trying to scare you, mate. I just - didn't feel that was nearly as important as why you were in my lab at all." I bite my lip. "Speaking of what's important…Zedd - how long did he have me?"
"Less than three whole days, love." Not long, at least. "What do you remember?" he asks softly.
"Not too much. He - tried to mate with me on his ship, wanted to, but I refused. I told him that I needed some time. He warned me that I had until we reached his home to get over you as a master because I belonged to him now. When we got there, he instructed some of his servants to bathe me since I stunk and to prepare me for bed. Once I was in the bath, I put myself into a meditative state so that I wouldn't know what he did to me after that. The next thing I knew, Kira was yelling at me."
Silence falls for a long time. "So you don't know if he took you or not?"
"No idea and I'd kind of like to keep it that way. If he did, I definitely don't want to know it." I shift slightly testing how my body feels. I don't think he had me. I know how I feel after I've mated with Zedd and I don't feel anything like that. Though in fairness I'm usually actively participating with Zedd.
Zedd doesn't sound happy. "Not that I blame you love, not in the least for feeling that way, but now the problem is I don't know how badly to torment him before I kill him."
"Can't he just go to prison or something? I don't want you killing anyone if it isn't necessary. Plus he did only have me for two days and I seem to be, for the most part at least, okay."
"I suppose - if I can still torture him."
"That's fair" I agree. "After all, I got to torture Annwyl."
"True, so can I break some bones?"
"Mmm, I'm not sure."
"Just a few?"
"I'll think about it."
"What about just his leg?"
Looking at him knowingly, I heave a sigh. "You already broke his leg didn't you?"
"Actually Goldar did." Taken by surprise, I raise a brow at this. "He tried to run when Jason called in the troops. Goldar went after him and from what I understand he said something that set Dar off enough that he was about remove his leg rather than just break it."
"Where is he now by the way?"
"On Trey's ship, although everyone seems to have gathered here."
Remembering how Kira had mentioned how many Rangers had come to rescue me, I say, "Oh my god the ship must be crowded."
"You have no idea" he agrees. "Quite frankly, I'm surprised that I didn't run into anyone when I was sneaking back here to see you." At my questioning look, he admits sheepishly, "I was supposed to be sleeping."
Smiling slightly as I shake my head, "Well, we should both sleep better now."
"How bad were your nightmares that week, Thomas?"
My smile fades. "I wasn't actually sleeping all that much, Zedd. I was kind of worried about the nightmares, but it was more because I was just so damn miserable without you."
"I'll try not to do that again, Thomas. I just - couldn't get my feelings under control this time."
Suddenly I remember something else I need to worry about. "Has Jason gotten hold of you yet?"
"Not yet, but apparently he saw fit to tell my mother we were having problems."
"Mara's here? And how did Jason tell her? Who translated for them?"
"I'm fairly certain that Trey or Andros could have easily. I can't see any other way. And yes, both she and Father are here. It's not uncommon for parents to negotiate for the release of their children in a situation like that and Mother certainly has included you in our family now - as has Serena."
I freeze, horrified. "Wait, what? These kind of hostage situations are normal?! And you want to have kids? Are you crazy?"
"It's not quite the same. They usually aren't taken to be pets, love, bedroom or otherwise, no. Usually when one party is wronged, they'll take a child as a bargaining chip to get what they feel they deserve. We won't have to worry about that as my reputation will prevent a lot of that."
"Right. Like with Bezeroa? He was planning to make us all pets, Zedd!"
"I wouldn't have let that happen, Thomas, even if you weren't hiding where you were. Worst case, he might have had me - might - but I'd have used my power on him as I did with Rita. Since he doesn't hold any kind of power or magic, the results would have been far worse for him."
I know that Bezeroa was planning far worse than that, but I don't dare tell him. Still knowing what I know, combined with the idea that people kidnap children as an everyday occurrence, scares the hell out of me. I force myself to push that away, as we're not having kids in the near future. Shaking my head, I say, "Well, we don't have to worry about that now."
He yawns. "True." He snuggles tighter against me and in minutes is fast asleep once more. It's not that long before I follow him.
