Quicken
By: Junsui Kegasu
A/N: Decided not to change my pen name. I'm too famous as "JK."
Disclaimer: Own nothing…I wonder if there's still a chance of me getting Naruto for Christmas…
December is supposed to be a cheery month, right? At least, I think it's December. Thanksgiving was nearly a week ago, so it should be about the first of December. Yet another reason why I wish we had clocks or at least some form of information, delineated in the cynical words of Akasuna Sasori. Yes, yes, cheer for me.
One thing I really don't understand about this place is that they put you here, dragging you out of school, and then they give you school work. That doesn't sound so bad, but the thing is that when you're here for such an extended period of time, and over the summer, while we're at it, you're not going to know pre-calculus. If Mom and Dad were here, they'd be angry that it wasn't calculus. I kind of wish it was Algebra 1, like what Gaara has.
Even Deidara has it easy; he has Algebra 2. Sasuke's over there complaining about his Geometry, and Neji too, since he's really bad with math and he always skipped class to do drugs. Why is it that I have pre-calc and I'm not even in school anymore? I think Mom and Dad probably removed me…well, on second thought, probably not. Academically, I can almost appease them. Right now, they're probably basking in the glory that is scholarships coming in.
I wish I had that ability that people talk about in books. You know, the one where people can burn holes into things with their glare. Okay, I know it's metaphorical, but still. I would be doing that to my pre-calc right now. Unfortunately, I am no more talented than the average person, so I must deal with the wonders of equations and graphs.
Normally, I'm on edge enough where if someone comes up behind me, no matter how silent (I learned that very quickly with counselors and am glad the instinct remained intact for Gaara. That kid has a stealth inclination) they are, I can sense them before they get within a foot of me. However, right now, I'm so concentrated on my work that Deidara's voice scares the living shit out of me.
"Hey, can you help me with this, yeah?"
I look over, pretending to be disinterested, but actually, I could use a break from the horrors of cryptic codes I don't understand. Algebra 2 was easy enough when I had it in previous years, and I'm a fair teacher. Putting these three together, I could easily help him, but as humiliating as being here and being a failure is, I am still a male. And males have pride.
One would think that after the incident last night, one would learn that you do not ignore Deidara. However, my mind thinks in logical terms and finds variables that could have induced that: Gaara is a ton smaller and easier to pick on than I. We are no longer in the private safety of our room; we are in public and being watched by Kakashi, another one of the counselors. He may look inattentive, but let me assure you, as soon as the ingredients for Disaster are set up, he is right on the scene.
My logic? Ignore him. I hate him. It'll be fine.
Well, I didn't get a ninety-four-percent "A" in logic for nothing.
"Hey, I asked a question, yeah."
Just keep ignoring him, Sasori. It will all turn out fine. You're not like Gaara. You're scrawny, but you emit a completely different aura. Yeah, right. That's funny. Good job, Sasori, your mind is slipping again. I go back to pre-calc, attempting to find the solution. Simplify the equation…how to simplify this though? I'm stuck with a blonde who likes burning things. I have a high tolerance for insanity, (Look who my other bunkmate is) but he's just…just…it's his personality.
I shake my head, attempting to ignore the whining that is Deidara. It's not working, and I can't focus. He isn't going to stop until I help him with his damned Algebra 2, and why the hell isn't Kakashi shushing him? I look up to discover why, perhaps give him a dirty look for his lack of response to the harsh whispers, but he's gone. On a normal day, I would be relieved without his eye (he covers one. No clue why. I don't talk to counselors) digging into my back, but of course, since today is the only day I would have appreciated his presence, he isn't here.
Karma really sucks. I'm not quite sure what I did, either. Perhaps it was I not getting a one-hundred-percent in logic. Either way, he won't just shut up. I can feel the elastic limit starting to separate, feeling the tiniest bonds of self-control snap in half and curl without anything to keep them straight.
"What about this concept, yeah? This doesn't look familiar, yeah…"
I grit my teeth, trying not to let it look like I'm doing so. Again with my mind on those powers, I now wish I had mind control so I could make him shut up. I have work I need to do. I have work I need to perfect. He has his work, and he can get a C-average if he wants, but I need to be the best. I know that if my counselor knew what I was thinking, I'd be in for a very long lecture centering on how perfection is merely an illusion, and since it's an illusion, technically, it doesn't exist. Well, this is my world, and in my world, perfection exists and I will achieve it.
"You didn't ignore me thatone night, yeah."
I think he's purposely trying to instigate me. He's one of those sick people who like getting people angry enough to yell, it seems. Well then, I have more control than that. There's the pride factor, the respect factor, and the consideration factor tied into this. The pride factor is I not wanting to give him the satisfaction of my visible anger. Oh, and Sasuke would be amused by it, too. He doesn't like me because I have seniority. The respect factor is for everybody doing their arithmetic; I don't want to disturb them. The consideration factor is mostly for Gaara, since I know he doesn't like yelling, but no one really likes to watch an argument unless it involves fists. I won't let it get that far.
"And you were hardly ignoring me that morning, yeah."
"Shut up."
I don't know when I lost my will there, but I muttered it quiet enough so only he could hear. No one needs to know of what happened that morning. I wasn't even aroused by it; I just couldn't stop staring! Why is he poking fun? I realize that even my quiet remark has satisfied him and give myself a very hard mental kick. I hate him.
I don't hate a lot of people. Actually, I really don't hate anyone except Deidara. I really hope that now that he's satisfied, he'll leave me alone, but I can feel his eye burn into my pre-calc, and for once in a pretty long while, I'm really uncomfortable with it. Slamming my crayon onto the floor, I stand up quickly and leave. Perhaps I'll take refuge in the bathroom.
I'm half way there before I realize I can't even be alone there because I'm here for an eating disorder. I'm not allowed back into my room; it's locked for now, and there's really nowhere to hide. I just keep walking. If I get stopped, I'll turn back around and head back to what was supposed to be evening circle but is now study-time, if you could call it that.
Sure enough, as I near a hallway that leads to the medium ward, a nurse with long, curly brown hair and red eyes stops me and tells me to go back to wherever I came from. I think now I'm calm enough where I can go back there and keep control. Keeping control is one of my few talents; I'd hate to be even more of a disappointment. I clear my mind as I walk, just so I'll be even more tranquil.
The room isn't entirely as I left it before. Sasuke has taken control of my corner (which I should've expected) and Gaara's frowning at him, as if to reprimand him, but deciding not to speak. Kakashi is back, too. He raises a silver eyebrow, but I say nothing to use as an excuse and pick up my paper and move to the far side of the room, away from everyone else. Thankfully, our supervisor says nothing and I continue trying to figure out the cryptic code.
I wonder if insomnia is contagious. Gaara seems to have worn off on me, because I'm not asleep, and I wish I were, because I need energy badly. Unfortunately, they managed to get Gaara with some medicine, so he's out like a light. It's bad since they did it kind of against his will, and he's afraid of sleep, but it's good at the same time, because he needs the sleep.
I swore to myself when I first got here, I wouldn't grow too attached to anyone I met. Things have most definitely changed, though, and Gaara's like my little brother, and I hate Deidara. Maybe I was better off without a roommate. Above me, I hear the mattress creak and jump in surprise. I know for a fact that it only does that if someone sits up, which means he's awake, too.
Quickly, I try to feign sleep. I don't know why, but the compulsion to avoid him is overpowering right now. My brain finds no reason to disagree with the gut feeling, so I turn on my side and curl up, squeezing my eyes shut. I feel like a little kid hiding from the dark, but that's okay, because it's so dark that no one can tell. I hear him descend the ladder, but unless he has a stealth inclination, too, then he's standing right there.
I really hope it's the stealth inclination.
"I know you're awake, yeah."
Crap. That just blows everything. Well, whatever, there's no point in avoiding him if he's just going to prod at me with words. Two experiences have taught me that it's a good idea to just respond.
"Your point being…?"
I don't even turn around, but maybe I should, because even though I whispered, I'm facing Gaara and he kind of twitched at my words, like he would wake up. Well, as long as he's unaware that he's sleeping, I'd rather not disrupt it, so begrudgingly, I turn to face him, avoiding eye contact. My eyes are my weakness, and I really don't need him reading me like a book.
"What was with you earlier, yeah?"
Oh, that. "I needed to use the restroom," I lie smoothly. Lying is another talent, but one that they look down upon, since it's against God.
"Why so violently, then, yeah?" He must have a talent in reading through lies, then, because he knows. It's all over his voice.
"Why do you keep bothering me?" I scold and belittle myself mentally when I can hear the annoyance laced in my voice dripping onto his ears.
"Because you're amusing to poke fun at, yeah. If I can't burn things, yeah, I might as well instigate. Plus, the way your eyes light up whenever I get to you almost satisfies the urge, yeah."
So he's using me for therapy. Deep inside, I feel his admittance strike a chord in my chest, but I pretend that it's the position I'm laying in. I'll confront it later. I feel a slight wave of jealousy come up just enough for me to acknowledge it. Why is it that he can find some type of satisfaction for his addiction while no one else can? Sasuke got caught with his piece of glass and now their room is wired heavily so they can spy on him. Neji breaks down because of withdrawal, Naruto punches walls (and goes through the same thing that Sasuke does, so it's pretty much just as bad) and if Gaara is caught conversing, they bombard him. Why is he special?
"You don't get it, yeah, do you?" he continues, annoyance dripping off his voice and sounding much like mine. I wonder if he's doing it just to irk me.
"No, I really don't," I find myself saying, sitting up a little in bed so I can face him. My heart is pounding and I don't know why. Perhaps it's because I sat up too quickly; I don't know. There is a silence that fills the air, like he's hesitating to tell me something. Is it that important?
"I like you, yeah." It's only three words (four counting the annoying little interjection he always adds), but suddenly, my heart skips a beat and it sounds like it's following a different rhythm from what I'm used to. It's a rare occasion in my life that I don't know how to react. I never thought twice about sexuality; I always assumed I was straight because homosexuality was evil. But what's evil and good anymore, anyways?
I don't know how Deidara takes my silence (rejection,disbelief,loathing,surprise!) but before I need to answer (thankfully) he tells me with a note of sorrow staining his voice to think it over. I really don't know what to think, but I'm certain now that I won't be able to get back to sleep to save my life. One would think that provides a lot of time to figure out what to think about, but I really just want to hit the pause button and go into some form of a coma.
The next day at breakfast, I join Gaara first. I didn't sleep all night, and I'm so drained of energy (not to mention my appetite isn't suppressed at all) that I almost consider cramming every bit of cereal down my throat. I have control, so instead I surprise the cafeteria monitor by grabbing a bowl of Lucky Charms and picking at it.
"Wh-why are you up so early?" he asks, kind of shy. I'm not sure if it's Gaara or Gaa-chan, yet. Both of them have an occasional stutter.
"I had some trouble sleeping last night. There's no reason for me to stay in bed," I tell him with a voice gentler than what I used with Deidara last night. Thinking of the blonde makes that chord in my chest vibrate again, and I swallow. I still don't want to think about it. He said he'd give me time to think, but what I need is time to prepare myself to think about it.
"I see. Is Lucky Charms your favorite cereal?" he asks, voice tinted with innocence and just a barely-detectable hint of eagerness. Gaa-chan is possibly my favorite and most hated of Gaara's personalities. I like how he never asks annoying questions like this and how he can even get Naruto to stop being angry, but at the same time, I envy his innocence and his ignorance to reality.
"Yeah, sure," I tell him, when in truth I hate cereal in general. However, it's the only thing they'll serve to us with plastic spoons so soft they bend under the weight of a mere spoonful, but don't break.
"I like the marshmallows," he continues, stirring soggy remnants around and searching for a colorful, melting blob of marshmallow. "They always seem so happy."
I think he's fading from Gaa-chan to Bokaira, but I'm not sure, and he ends the conversation there. It's not like I would really be able to respond anyways; Deidara has just walked in. My heart skips another beat and the rhythm distorts again, my spoon dropping into the mostly-full bowl. I can't confront him yet. I still haven't prepared myself to think. Avoiding his gaze, I stir around the cereal, creating a legitimate excuse to stop eating it. Even when I liked cereal, I couldn't stand it when it got soggy.
To my surprise, Deidara sits at the far end of the table, watching me with an eye brimming with curiosity, bright enough to penetrate the air ridden with the vomit-inducing odor of dish soap mixing with whatever they've started concocting for lunch and through my invisible bubble, making me uncomfortable. I hate it, but I won't storm away like yesterday. There was something in those words last night…something I can't place, but something that's somehow significant.
My suspicions that Gaa-chan had become Bokaira are quickly denied as the boy moves his breakfast over to chat animatedly with (to) the older teen, going on about Lucky Charms, marshmallows, and cereal in general. From what I can hear, Deidara is somewhat perturbed by Gaara. He doesn't know him quite well enough to identify the personalities yet, but he will. It only took us a couple days. It's actually not as difficult as one would think.
Once everyone else joins us, I know that Deidara wouldn't think of talking to me. I can really thank Gaara for that; he kept him occupied. I'm almost prepared to think, I believe. After breakfast is circle, so I know that then, I'll have enough time to end the preparation and begin the actual process, but I don't know yet. I'll stay in breakfast as long as anyone would allow. Normally, I'd still be in bed. I go straight from there to the commons (breakfast is optional because a lot of people here get sick if they eat when they first wake up. I know Naruto does.)
When the monitors tell us to get out of there, Naruto approaches me. He was probably really bored, since he doesn't eat breakfast. While he doesn't have insomnia like Gaara (and recently, me) he's an early riser, and he sees no point in staying in bed.
"Hey, Sasori, I have a question."
"Yeah?" I doubt I'll be able to provide a good answer, since Naruto's questions (when he asks them) are really contemplative about life. I can't really tell him much about that, since everyone's views are different, and honestly, I don't think he'd appreciate mine.
"Have you ever been in love?" he asks. I feel my stomach do an interesting flipping motion and suddenly hate myself for eating; if I throw up (even if it was honestly unintentional) they'll freak out over me. I've never been 'freaked out' over anything like Sasuke, Naruto, and even Gaara have. I guess my time of preparation is up and I need to confront this.
"I really don't know," I say truthfully. "I don't know if I've even had a crush on anyone before."
"Oh…" He sounds dismayed. "Well, thanks…I guess."
I want to pressure it, to ask him why he would ask such an absurd question, and yell at him for ending the blissful preparation process, which meant I didn't have to think about it for another minute. However, I'm not stupid; Naruto is dangerous.
"It's just so…frustrating!" he adds, punching the palm of his left hand with his right. "But I guess that's love, even though you wouldn't know that."
I don't know what to say to that. Naruto is beginning to become angered, and I know better than to provoke that further. I don't know the boy well enough where I could know what to say that would calm him down, but the only one who can do that is (obliviously) Gaa-chan, and he's still blabbering to Deidara about cereal. I kind of feel bad for Naruto, though. While I'm on the receiving end of a crush, I suppose that being on the other side would be just as painful, and all he knows how to do is get rid of the confusion through violence, which is what got him here.
WHAT did YOU just SAY to ME
!bitch come and say it to my face again bitch!
SLAM! BAM! POW! CRACK BREAK!
i'llkillyou.i'llkillyou.i'llkillyou.i'llkillyou
quicken the violence
Circle is, as I predicted, a good time for me to confront all of this. I don't really know what I am yet, and once I really looked hard, I found I didn't mind Deidara's confession. I wasn't as disgusted as I should've been, considering I hate him. Someone once told me that the line between love and hatred was a thin one. Well, right now, I think I'm treading it.
I know Deidara wants my answer. He's looking in my direction constantly, eyes shining with that same curiosity, desperation, and longing that they shone with at breakfast. Through three hours, I've come to a conclusion: I guess I can give this a shot. I've never been in a relationship before, so I don't know what to expect, and I don't know if Deidara knows what to expect, but I'm going with a gut feeling.
The unnerving thing is that yesterday, my gut feeling towards him was hatred. Could I possibly be developing multiple personality disorder? It's doubtful, since I remember what I was feeling and Gaara never remembers. I'm almost sad for him right now, but he's changed from Gaa-chan to Bokaira upon entering circle, so I guess he already doesn't remember earlier.
When, finally, the torment ends, Deidara makes a beeline for me, the look never leaving his eyes. I fumble with how to say what I want to say; I've never been good with words. I really hope he doesn't take my silence for anything. It's so stupid, I want to hate him, but there's that stupid thin line, and it keeps crossing over. I'm not sure I want to love him, but I certainly don't hate him, so the next best thing is that line.
"I…I'll give it a chance," I say finally, bruising my mental shins more with kicks, trying to cure the stammer. "I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do, or what I'm even supposed to feel, but hell, obviously, my gut has stopped hating you."
He snorts, and I'm slightly wounded that he's laughing at me. "Yeah, you know, I hated you too, yeah. You're so arrogant sometimes, yeah."
Well, I suppose it's good to know some of my faults. "…Thanks. Arrogance turns you on?"
He laughs a little more, but then we're in front of his counselor's door, so he leaves. I'm so confused right now. I want to hate him; I don't even want to be on the line, but I am. He wants to hate me, but he can't. I don't know what any of this is about, but sure, I'll give it a shot. How far can this possibly go?
More famous last words.
Quicken the b e g i n n i n gMERRY CHRISTMAS, PEOPLE! I LOVE YOU! I got a wonderful fanart from Ebony, and my god, I love her for it. This is my cheap Christmas gift to you all. Yar, yar, don't hurt me.
Randomly, one of my friends who read the first (maybe the second too, I dono. She doesn't review) chapter said that this was written in a style like cut by Patricia McCormick was written in. I loved that book…but didn't really know that I was duplicating it…sorry, for anyone who might've noticed that. I sure as hell didn't. I have yet to figure out where the hell I got the random freeverses. It struck me in church. We'll blame that.
Again, MERRY CHRISTMAS!