Quicken

By: Junsui Kegasu

A/N: Do slap me the next time I suppress inspiration.

Disclaimer: I own…a watch. That's it. It tells me what time I'm supposed to go to bed.

I think I might have read somewhere that romantic relationships are supposed to feel different from friendship, not just appear so. Well, in the case of Deidara and I, I feel no different than I would with Kisame, and we don't exploit our little "I'll try this out" to the public. In theory, that means that technically, we are not in a romantic relationship.

That is my conclusion. The only other possible solution was that I had a crush on Kisame, but I quickly out ruled that, since Kisame is as straight as an arrow and about as rigid as one when it comes to homosexuality. He's one of those people who consider it wrong. I never felt the same; I just didn't care. Now I know why.

Of course, it's not like I'll be coming out of the closet any time soon to my parents. That will most definitely be the final strand of their acceptance, and then I would most definitely be alone. It explains a lot, but I need to keep those explanations secret. Or, if Deidara ever meets my parents, I can pretend he's a girl. That's easy enough. Something tells me he really won't enjoy that, though.

I think the only significant difference in either of us publicly is that Deidara now contributes in Personal and has given up on Circle. Actually, he had given up on Circle after his sister revealed he wasn't leaving any time soon, but he still hadn't been contributing to Personal. Now he's opening up, publicly revealing his "disorder" to the closest thing he'll have to family for a long time.

Well, at least some of us.

"Hey, guys, I have a bit of news," Naruto suddenly announces one evening, oddly calm.

Everyone gives him his utmost attention. After all, we don't get news in places like this, unless something drastic happened with your counselor. The only one who exploits his visits with those people is Gaa-chan, but right now, Shukaku is the dominating personality.

"Uh…well, I guess for me, it's a good thing, but you all might get pissed and try to beat me up." He gives us a goofy half-grin, and it strikes me that he must've been drugged. Naruto never acts this happy. Either he's really euphoric about his news, or someone slipped something into his mashed potatoes at dinner.

"Just get to the point," Sasuke snaps. I don't know if anyone else can, but I see the brief, fluttering hues of hurt floating through those baby blues, and suddenly, it all makes sense.

"Hey, Sasori, I have a question."

"Yeah?"

"Have you ever been in love?"

"I really don't know. I don't know if I've even had a crush on anyone before."

"Oh…Well, thanks…I guess."

Pause.

"It's just so…frustrating!" A slap of fist against palm. "But I guess that's love, even though you wouldn't know that."

Naruto is "in love" with Sasuke. I think it's probably more of a crush, considering they've known each other for only a month and a half and their both only fifteen, but perhaps it is. I don't believe in 'love at first sight,' though.

"Fine," Naruto continues. This is another obvious sliver of behavior that pulls my drug theory more to the side of truth. On a normal day, Naruto might've become angry with Sasuke. Or perhaps that's his 'love' blinding him. "I'm getting out of here."

The general reaction is shock; it's the first time someone from our little group has left. No one says anything for a while. Then the anger comes, the questions, and the slight air of silence. Finally, last and most certainly not last, the atmosphere is radiating I'll miss you. Some people aren't thoroughly convinced.

"What?"

"No shit?"

"How, yeah?"

"You're fucking kidding me."

I think it goes without saying that the order of those responses was Sasuke, Neji, Deidara, and Shukaku. I don't say anything. I predicted it; I knew it was going to happen. I think we all (except perhaps Gaara and Deidara. Gaara switches so rapidly, he barely knows what's going on, and Deidara just got here) expected it, but we didn't want to confront it when it happened. I wasn't all that close to Naruto, but he was one of the original three.

I look to see Neji and Sasuke's reaction. They would've been a little closer to the blonde seeing as they all shared a room. Neji looks really tired, kind of sad, but really tired, mostly. That's something to arouse suspicion, but I'll think about it later. Sasuke has his indifferent mask on, but I'm good at looking through those, and he's envious, a little sad, but not hurt.

He doesn't like Naruto back, then. I really hope that Naruto won't admit to him. I hope that he's too shy to bring it up. Who am I kidding? This is Naruto. Naruto and shy are like night and day. I only can hope that nothing drastic happens, but then again, these are Naruto and Sasuke we're talking about… I don't know anymore.

I'm snapped out of my thoughtful state when Naruto speaks up again. "I'm not leaving until like…the day after Christmas, though." This is both relieving and worrisome. It's a relief that we'll have time to say good-bye to him in our own way (I've gotten attached to this place more than I thought I had) and we won't miss him and envy him so much. But it's worrisome (at least for me) because he'll have a lot of time to admit to Sasuke, and I know disaster will strike if he tells him. I'm intuitive when it comes to Sasuke.

That night brings another bout of insomnia. I've been completely exhausted and depleted for a while, enough to get me to start eating at meals. I feel disgusting, so I'm always sure to do some sort of exercise in Personal. This doesn't bother anyone, thankfully, and they don't even give me a strange look. Another one of the few perks of being in a shrink: everyone expects you to act somewhat ridiculous sometimes.

Sometimes at night, Deidara will come down to the bottom bunk and we'll talk. Just talk. I guess he must be having sleep issues too. Tonight is one of those nights. Usually, we just talk about little things like how our day went, or discuss further one of the topics of Personal. Sometimes, he tells me about himself. I don't tell him any more than what I've told anyone else, because I'm not ready for that though. He hasn't told me much more than what he's admitted in circle, but I was the first to know.

Tonight is one of those nights. I smile softly when I feel the bed creak and feel the mattress shift to adjust to two people. It's so odd how my feelings have changed. I'm fond of him, now. Underneath that annoying exterior is a sweet kid. Well, I can't even call him that. He's my age, just a month and a half younger than me. Tonight he does something different, though. I feel an arm wrap around me from behind and start a little. Our relationship has never been physical.

I should've known.

"Hey, Sasori?" he asks in a whisper. It really doesn't matter, since Shukaku has retained dominance into the night and is blasting heavy metal into his brain, but we do it out of habit.

"Hm?" I answer, turning to face him for the sake of conversation. It's out of courtesy, and I forgot the arm around my waist until we're mere inches from each other. The darkness acts as a cover for my flush and I'm glad.

"Why do you do all that stuff in Personal, yeah?" There's a confused, amused, and even worried edge to his voice. I feel a little nervous; he's too good at picking out lies for me to cover this up with anything but the truth.

My words are chosen carefully. "Well…since I haven't been sleeping a lot," I start, pausing to see how I should word this. "I need to eat to gain enough energy to stay awake…if I pass out, they'll 'freak out'" he knows what that means now, since they're still 'freaking out' on Sasuke for his glass thing "on me and put me on a feeding tube to make me gain weight." As I pause again to think, he interjects.

"Well, that's a good thing for you, yeah," he says, and even though I can't see the frown, I know it's there. He's worried. It brings a new feeling to my stomach, blossoming and spreading through me. He cares.

"But…the thing is…I don't want to gain weight." This is dangerous territory. This is what I'm not ready to tell him. "I don't want to…you know…'get better.'"

Silence passes between us for a little, and I fear (but don't know why I do so) that he might be offended. Finally, that smooth voice cuts through the silence, but it's not so relieving as it should be. "Why, yeah? I mean…I don't want to get better either, yeah. Fire is my art, yeah, but you…you're actually unhealthy."

He really is worried. My throat tightens and even if I could think of words to explain myself, I wouldn't be able to vocalize them. Finally, I can force out, "I just…I don't want to…"

"You could die like this, yeah…" he comments, and I know. I know all of this. I'm careful; I don't weigh that little where it could be fatal, because I don't want to die before I can make my parents proud.

"I know," I say simply, and mentally kick myself for it. It sounds so stupid. "But I won't die," I add to try to correct myself.

"You don't know that, yeah…I think you should at least gain a little weight, yeah." I feel his arm tighten a little around my waist, and I realize that he's measuring it, calculating how slim it is. He moves his hand up, leaving a ghosting touch over my ribs, counting them. I feel disgusting.

"But I am gaining from eating so much…"

The hand back at my waist leaves and Deidara props himself up on his elbow, giving me a raised eyebrow. "Sasori. You eat half as much as the kid does, yeah."

It's true and I know it, and I really can't find any way to deny it. "I, uh…never ate a lot," I fumble in a mumble, trying to defend myself, to try to cleanse myself of the disgust.

"Can you please try to, then, yeah?" he asks, nearly pleading. I look through the darkness to one blue eye, the color of the midnight sky without light. I can't say 'no.' He cares. He accepts me. And it's almost enough. But he's not who I need to appease.

"I'll try," I tell him, and it's not a lie, because I suppose I will, but I won't try very hard. I can't do that, just not yet. He smiles gently at me, to which the need to please fades a little, and hugs my waist once before disappearing back up to the top bunk.

I don't sleep again that night.

The oddities only continue at breakfast the next morning. It's rather disturbing. Before Deidara, everything was monotonous. Once he got here, suddenly all of these events started occurring. I can't and don't blame it on him; stuff like this would've happened anyways, except for our relationship. I think I feel the difference that was talked about in the book I read, now. I've never felt good about being accepted by anyone else but my parents, but he makes everything seem okay.

Back to the oddities. The order in which people come down to breakfast is either Gaara, Naruto, Neji, Deidara, Sasuke and me, or Gaara, me, Naruto, Neji, Deidara, and Sasuke. Today, the order was me, Gaara, Naruto, Deidara, and Sasuke, but there was no Neji. This is odd because Neji needs to eat at meals or the withdrawal will take control of him mentally.

I shrug it off and my subconscious thinks of a thousand and one reasonable explanations. However, he's not at circle, either. Iruka looks around the room and when he sees that Neji isn't there, he pages Kakashi to go check up on him, and the tension begins. Naruto, at least, looks worried and Sasuke looks (as usual) indifferent. I really hope that nothing horrible has happened. With everything going on, I don't think our delicate little 'family' could take it.

For once, Circle is somewhat eventful. Iruka tried to start it about fifteen minutes into the time, commenting that Neji could join in when he got back. A silent scoff echoes through the atmosphere: Yeah right. Neji barely participates during Personal, much less Circle. I am, however, going to make a point so ask Naruto what's going on if he's not with us by lunch. If he's skipping until then, there's something seriously wrong.

About an hour and a half later, Kakashi comes back in and whispers something to Iruka. Seven eyes (Sasuke doesn't care and Deidara only keeps one eye visible) follow him as he walks out the door again. Neji doesn't come in (not even ten minutes later) and Iruka starts back up, lecturing us all about how the key to getting better is communication. Yeah, we'll communicate…later.

Ever since Deidara came, our seating in Circle has changes drastically. He let me have my corner back, but now he sits next to me, in between Sasuke and I. Surprisingly, the blonde is like me – easy to read through his eyes. So, when we exchange glances, I see his confusion clear as day and he sees my worry the same way. I think that only confused him more, but I suppose I can explain later. For now, I have thoughts to brood over.

Suddenly, I remember how tired Neji was in Personal yesterday. My optimistic side provides an explanation: he was over exhausted and is sleeping through Circle to regain energy. But they don't let anyone skip Circle…they consider it really important to have group therapy. Maybe they've finally given up on us, though…I don't know. I really don't. I can only hope that Neji joins us for lunch.

Circle is nearly over when my mind provides the secondary explanation: What if he's sick? It makes sense…his withdrawal…no, he's been here four and a half months; it would've taken effect far sooner than now…right? I'm really not sure. I never had any experience with drugs other than Neji, and that hardly counts, because he didn't go into detail about how bad the withdrawal was. I really don't know what's going on.

I can only hope I find out soon. First Naruto, now Neji – our original three is dwindling.

"Sasori, how close are to your peer, Neji?"

Close enough to be worried.

"What about Naruto?"

What about him? He's leaving…

Neji wasn't at lunch or at evening Circle. This is critical. No one has ever missed a full day of therapy in my entire six months of living here. No one got sick. No one got hurt, until now. I'm really worried. This is why I didn't want to get attached to things; they always end up leaving, or something ridiculous happens, like now. I have a feeling that I probably won't sleep tonight, but then again, as I haven't slept well for a bit, hopefully I'll be out like a light.

At dinner, everyone is stony-faced and eats their potato salad silently. I hate potato salad. There's too much mayonnaise among other things that just make your arteries scream. However, Deidara is giving me a look. I try to resist it, but he has what a person would call "puppy dog eyes." Giving him the meanest glare I can muster under the circumstances, I forcefully scoop up a potato cube from the pile on my tray and shove it in my mouth, chewing carefully. He looks pleased.

Gaa-chan gives us both a questioning glace, causing a lull in his childish rant about how he hates potato salad before starting back up again. Sasuke groans loudly to try to send a subliminal message to the other teen, but Gaa-chan can't hear him or chooses to ignore him, going on, and on, and on. On a normal day, Naruto would yell at him to shut up, as Gaa-chan has a problem with just about everything this place serves (he eats it, though. That's the odd thing) but today, he reaches over and ruffles his hair, stopping the redhead in mid-rant.

"Y'know, I think I might actually miss you always complaining…"

…Yeah, they definitely have Naruto on some kind of cracked up version of Zoloft. It's kind of sad, though, and sentimental, and silence overcomes us all before we go back to the potato salad. Even Deidara, who barely knows Neji or Naruto lowers his gaze back to his food. Nothing eventful happens again until we hear footsteps in the small cafeteria, causing everyone to look up.

Of course, just our luck; it's a cafeteria worker. The woman, a pretty looking girl with long black hair, gives us all a funny look before starting to sweep up messes from other divisions. Taking it as a hint to leave, we all finish up our food and dump what we've decided not to eat into the trashcan. I dump out nearly all of mine, ignoring Deidara's pleading glance for me to eat more. I hate potato salad.

The walk to Personal is quieter than usual. By now, we've usually loosened up, since we know that in just a few minutes, we'll be as close to freedom as we can ever get. It's kind of ironic how 'freedom' is in the form of a small, windowless, but generously furnished room. Everyone realizes (even Gaa-chan, but I think he may or may not have switched) that the topic of conversation tonight won't be as light and carefree as usual. Tonight is a time for serious discussion.

We don't start talking when the door closes; we wait for the lock to click. Adding just another five seconds of waiting for good measure is our usual habit, but five seconds soon turn to fifteen, then to twenty-five. We don't know how to say this without sounding blatant or worried. Finally, Naruto starts it off with a sigh.

"He's been acting weird all week."

There's a hidden anger in that sentence – anger at himself? Anger at Neji? I can't tell. All I know is that Naruto is back to normal: unsure of how to deal with his feelings, so he resorts to anger. It's not as bad as it was three months ago. That's why he's leaving. It's like an example for all of us to follow: get better. Well, fuck examples, because I won't.

That's not what today's Personal is about, though. Today, we need to discuss Neji. After a long moment of silence after Naruto's confession, no one else knows what to say. I feel really bad and scold myself until my conscience is raw; I only noticed yesterday! What happened to those observation skills, Sasori? You should've predicted this…maybe done something…

I know that blaming myself really won't do anything. In fact, I don't think I will. I'll direct my anger at whoever the hell thought it was a good idea to take a drug addict for at least two years and deprive him completely for four and a half months. When I voice this, everyone looks up in surprise.

"You mean they honestly did that?" is the basic reaction to say the least. I don't think I need to elaborate.

"Yeah, they did. He hasn't said anything to anyone else because I guess he kind of got used to it, but in the beginning, it was really bad for him," I explain, feeling kind of awkward. I'm revealing things Neji hasn't decided to reveal to everyone else, and it feels kind of wrong. But now that he's sick, as hypocritical as it sounds, he needs help.

Well, maybe it's not so hypocritical. He needs help from people who understand the only way to get off a fucking addiction is to wean someone off of it. Not like this. Never like this. I'm too emotional over this for my own good, but I don't care. Neji was my first 'friend' here, even though I didn't admit it until just recently. Naruto was my second. If they both leave, I don't know. I don't like change.

In my thoughts, I realize that my words have brought silence to the room. I think that maybe we're all coming to the same realization in our own way: if he's really getting sick, he's going to get moved to an intensive care ward. He might never come back to rejoin our sick little family. Maybe I'm the only one who really cares, but we all know it's probably to happen. Who knows how much time we have left?

Have you ever wished that you could just go back into the past and correct any mistakes that you made? I would change any perfection starting from my birth – the biggest one being I growing attached to this place. No, that's selfish. I would've changed how they dealt with Neji's addiction and made them wean him off. It's astounding he's lasted this long, perhaps a little too astounding.

"How long has Neji been here, yeah?" Deidara asks softly. "There's no way he could've lasted more than a month without some type of drug before dying. There's something more to this, yeah."

Leave it to him to connect and voice my thoughts. I'm grateful for it, and nod in agreement. "Something's going on here. We need to figure this out."

All through the evening, Gaa-chan has been silent (if he hasn't changed) so it's a little bit surprising when the soft chirp breaches the air. "Does that mean we're gonna be like detectives?"

Everyone laughs nervously. Normally, people would've gotten mad at him. We should've shaken the reality into him. But he's Gaa-chan, and god knows we need the relief right now. Everything is going wrong. I can feel it in my chest.

Quicken the d e s c e n t

A/N: The end of this, I think, is kind of hurried…not sure, though…actually, I'm kind of iffy about the quality of this one…constructive criticism asked for, please.