notes: According to a casual survey of A Small Town In Japan (conducted less than scientifically by me), most people between the ages of 6 and 43 like Zoro best. Chopper is popular among junior high and high school girls. Usopp has two fans, both female. Luffy has two fans, both male. Sanji, Nami, and Robin were not mentioned.

Zoro: All right. (high-fives Chopper) Take that, shit cook!
Sanji: (wobbly eyes) I...I love Nami even when she's a pariah of society!
Nami: WHAT.
(chaos ensues)

Chapter 3: "Wish for Something Else"

It was one of those days. One of those boring days. One of those days when Luffy was bored. Bored, bored, bored. On these kinds of days, when Luffy was bored beyond human endurance, there was only one thing to do: Make everyone play with him.

And the fastest way to get a game going, Luffy knew, was to bug the hell out of Sanji. For this, he would need accomplices. Luckily, there were two willing and ready, both within easy reach. Easy, that was, for a boy with superstretchy rubber arms. After he snatched Chopper from the Crow's Nest and Usopp from his workshop in the storage room - and after they stopped screaming with terror and after they finished hitting him about the head - the captain, the sharpshooter, and the doctor sneaked as one man toward the kitchen door.

Unfortunately, they had underestimated Sanji. Somehow, and Luffy didn't know how, but somehow Sanji had heard the screaming and the hitting and the not-so-whispered plan to liberate all the food from the refridgerator. The blond chef was waiting for them at the door, tossing an extremely sharp knife from hand to hand.

"Please don't make me gut you like a fish," Sanji said.

Usopp and Chopper gulped. Luffy held his ground. "I'm hungry," he stated.

"That's why I'm making dinner."

"But I'm hungry now."

"That's your problem," Sanji snapped, who looked like he'd reached the end of his admittedly short rope. "I am trying to practice my art, and I can't do it with you goons hanging around."

"Yeah." The new voice floated up sleepily from the deck. Everyone, even Robin on the upper deck, peered down in surprise as Zoro roused himself from a nap. "The cook's practicing his art," Zoro repeated. Then, as they all gaped, he added, "He wants to be the greatest loser in the world."

In a heartbeat, the knife was flung back into the galley and Sanji was down on the lower deck, doing his best to kick Zoro's face through the other side of his head. Luffy cackled with laughter. This wasn't the entertainment he'd had in mind, but in some ways it was just as fun to see Zoro and Sanji go at each other. Robin returned to her book with a smile as Usopp and Chopper took opposing sides and played cheerleader.

The fight was getting to the really interesting part, the bit where Zoro and Sanji had fended each other off with sword and leg and all they could do was flail angrily, when Nami's voice floated up from her room. "Knock it off!" she called. "I'm trying to work."

"But Nami my dove," Sanji began, dodging Zoro's attempts to gouge out his eyes, "this moldy excuse for a -"

"I mean it." The fact that she stayed in her room and the warning, distracted tone of her voice showed that she did mean it. Whatever she was doing, it was too important to leave and knock heads for. Sanji and Zoro broke apart reluctantly and settled for glaring daggers at each other instead.

Up on the galley deck, Luffy sighed. It was always too bad when Nami broke up their fun. Still, there was always the kitchen...He tapped Usopp and Chopper and they resumed their stealthy journey toward the fridge.

Only to be stopped by Sanji again. This time he held the ship's fishing rods, which he shoved at the three of them. "If you're really that bored," the cook said, "go catch something for tomorrow. And while you're at it, do me a favor and get eaten by the biggest Sea King you can find." With that, he went back inside the galley and slammed the door shut.

Luffy led the way down the stairs and to the starboard rail. He, Chopper, and Usopp settled themselves for an afternoon of forced fishing. Luffy and Usopp seemed enough at ease ("Isn't it hilarious when Sanji wishes we would all die gruesome deaths?") but Chopper found himself fishing very carefully, just in case Sea Kings liked bits of cork for their bait.

"Aw, man, it's gotten boring again," Luffy was saying. "I wish something would just come along and happen."

Robin chuckled and lowered her book. "Be careful when you wish for bad things, Mr. Captain," she called to them. Playfully, she sprouted an arm from Luffy's shoulder and tipped his straw hat down over his eyes. "They just might come true."

"Good. I want them to come true," Luffy said petulantly, even as he raised his hat again with a smile. Robin smiled in return, then went back to her reading. The miscreants fished in companionable silence for a while.

Chopper broke it by asking, "Luffy, if you could wish for anything right now, what would it be?"

"Ooh..." Luffy furrowed his brow in thought. "I guess...I'd wish that the biggest Hercules Beetle in the world would fly over right now and land on the ship!"

Usopp snorted. "What on earth would you do with the biggest Hercules Beetle in the world?" he said skeptically. "Not like you could ask Sanji to cook it."

Luffy turned wide eyes on Usopp, as if surprised the sharpshooter even had to ask. "Why, I'd make it fight the biggest Atlas Beetle in the world, of course!" he replied, and laughed as Usopp smacked a hand to his forhead.

"What would you ask for, Usopp?" Chopper asked, hoping to avoid an argument. He tugged on his line cautiously, then breathed a sigh of relief when there did not appear to be a Sea King on the other end of it.

Usopp replied wistfully, "I'd wish for the Going Merry to be repaired properly." He patted the side of the ship fondly, as if reassuring her, One day, one day...

The others nodded, even Zoro, though that might have simply been his head drooping to his chest in sleep. Repairing Merry was what they all wished for, in the little hidden corners of their hearts. Only Usopp lacked the proper manly fortitude to keep such wishes to himself.

"Anyway," Usopp laughed, shaking himself out of the moment, "how about you, Chopper? What's your wish?"

Chopper did his best to imitate Luffy's pensive expression from before. What did he really want, right at this moment, right now? The little reindeer looked up at the blue sky and fluffy clouds, and wondered what Dr. Kureha was doing, if it was still snowing in Drum. "I'd wish," he said slowly, "I'd wish that someone would come along with news about what's happening in other places." Chopper sat back, satisfied. That was a good wish, even if it seemed unlikely to come true here, on the wide ocean with still a day to go before they reached the next island.

An albatross call made them look up. The newspaper bird was wheeling over them, waiting for the flash of a coin to let it know a newspaper was wanted. Hurriedly, Usopp dug some change out of his pocket. The albatross landed on his shoulder, took the money in its beak in exchange for the paper, and flapped away again.

Usopp and Luffy gawped at Chopper. Usopp's mouth was hanging wide, and Luffy's was wider, thanks to superstretchy rubber jaws. Below them, a Sea King nibbled on the end of Chopper's cork bait, but none of them noticed as the fishing rod flew out of Chopper's slack hands and into the briny depths.

"O-open it," Chopper finally managed to say. His eyes were fixed on the newspaper clenched in Usopp's hands.

Shaking, Usopp obeyed. He cleared his throat. He pulled his goggles down over his eyes. He pulled his goggles back up. "Uh," he croaked. "Ahem. Dal- 'Dalton Proclaimed King of Sakura Kingdom'," he read. "Wait. Dalton? Like Dalton from Drum whom I carried singlehandedly and absolutely without Zoro's help up the mountain on my back Dalton?"

"Sakura Kingdom?" squeaked Chopper. This was news! Something exciting had happened while he was away! And he thought all the exciting things happened outside of Dru-no, the Sakura Kingdom! And he'd never have known if he hadn't wished that something would come along...

"Chopper!" Luffy pounced on the reindeer and cannonballed them both onto the deck. "You make wishes come true!"

"I...I do?" asked Chopper, rather dazed both from being flung around by his excitable captain and by how that same captain had beat him to the same conclusion.

"Yeah!" Luffy threw back his head and laughed. "You're a magic reindeer! Man, I knew we brought you onboard for a reason! Sanji won't ever want to roast you now!"

Chopper's nose turned a significantly lighter shade of blue.

"Wish for something else," Luffy and Usopp both urged before Chopper could ask anxious questions about roasting. Or rather, being roasted.

"Uh, uh." Chopper looked around franctically. Anything to keep his mind from imagining Sanji coming at him with a smile and a spit. "I wish...I wish Robin would close her book!"

SNAP

This time, Usopp's eyes bugged out until they practially left his head, and Luffy's jaw bounced off the deck. Robin looked over at them, the shut book in one hand. "I'm sorry," she said. "Did I disturb you? There was a fly, you see." She opened the book again to show them the black speck crushed onto page 378.

"Wish for something else," Usopp whispered, not taking his eyes off of Robin's book.

Chopper gulped. "I wish the biggest Sea King on the Grand Line would come over and wave hello and and and go away again without eating us!"

The ocean surged. The ship rocked. A huge, wet head emerged from the sea, spraying water over the Going Merry. Usopp and Chopper screamed. Luffy screamed along with them happily, and wondered vaguely why something that looked suspiciously like one of the ship's fishing rods was dangling out of the Sea King's mouth. But that thought was brushed away as an eye the size of the refridgerator closed and opened again once, slowly. A wink.

And then the Sea King was gone. The sea returned to its normal churning. Chopper found himself being stared at by Luffy, Usopp, and Zoro.

"Wish for something else," the three of them breathed in unison.

Chopper was starting to feel scared. It was all right talking about making wishes come true, but actually having the power to call up Sea Kings without getting gulped was something else altogether. He'd really have to watch what he said from now on! And he could never make silly wishes that he didn't mean, ever again! No more 'I wish Zoro was super nice all the time,' or 'I wish I could have all the meat for dinner instead of Luffy,' and definitely no more 'I wish my eyebrows curled up all cool like Sanji's.' He was just going to have to cut out his tongue and be mute for the rest of his life. Chopper's eyes started to wobble.

Wait, wait, said the part of Chopper's brain that handled all the common sense. You know you don't make wishes come true, Chop. Those were just coincidences. The newspaper bird would have come anyways, and Robin showed us the fly, and well, maybe the Sea King just wasn't that hungry. The thing to do, the sensible voice went on, is to wish for something really impossible, something that could never in a million, trillion years happen, not even to Captain Usopp.

That's right. Wish for the impossible. Something that not even Captain Usopp, Chopper's avowed idol, could even dream of happening. Chopper firmed up his eyes and his resolve, and in a loud, clear voice, declared, "I wish all the meat on board would go rancid!"

"Why the fuck has all the meat gone rancid!"

The next few moments were all movement and thudding of shoes and slamming of doors as everyone - Usopp, Chopper, Luffy and Zoro from the lower deck, Nami bursting out from the storage room - followed Sanji's screams. Even Robin rose from her chair to get a better view.

Sanji was slumped on the floor in front of the refridgerator, cigarette dangling, hair in disarray. The fridge door was open, its contents displayed for all to see. There was water everywhere. There was a most horrible stench.

"What's that horrible stench?" Usopp asked. He looked down as a small 'whump' sounded next to him. Chopper had fainted, whether from shock or the smell, Usopp wasn't sure.

Luffy was nearly as bad. He crept to Sanji's side, whimpering. "Meat?" he said.

"It's gone bad," Sanji replied in a daze. "All of it." He blinked and shook himself. "And why the bloody fuck is the refridgerator not plugged in?"

Zoro frowned. "Why the hell didn't you notice it wasn't plugged in?" he asked. "You're the cook, aren't you?"

"Oh, shove off -" Sanji began, then stopped. He scratched his head. "Wait. Why didn't I notice?" He looked around. "When was the last time I took meat out of the fridge?"

"Last night after dinner because I wanted meat for dessert," Luffy replied automatically, then crumpled again. "Meat..."

"Right..." Sanji said slowly. "And why didn't we have a hot breakfast today?"

"Because some pirates attacked us while you were going to the kitchen and Zoro jumped onto their ship and they started sailing away with him," said Nami.

"Ah, Nami my love, what an exquisite memory you possess! And why - no, I'm sorry, pirates sailing off with Zoro doesn't explain why we skipped breakfast."

Zoro growled and kicked him in the head.

"Because we had to get Zoro back on board," Usopp said hastily.

"-Because I'm worth more than your fancy-schmancy girly pancakes, fancy-schmancy girly man-"

"And then the Marines came while we were doing that and opened fire," Nami continued.

"-with your fancy-schmancy girly goddamn eyebrow-"

"So we had to eat boring dried stuff from the storage room while we fought," Luffy said in a dead voice. "I mean, I don't even remember buying crackers."

"That's because you've been banned from buying anything, ever, for the rest of your life," Nami retorted.

"-and your fancy-schmancy-"

"Oh, shut up." Nami absently whacked Zoro into unconsciousness.

"And the fridge must have come unplugged from that cannonball impact," Sanji finished. "I thought that one felt a bit strong. Why didn't I notice during lunch?"

"Because we had a cold lunch," Usopp volunteered. "We all had to mend Merry, so you didn't have time to cook, so you said get the dried noodle packets from the store room and you'd just heat up some water. So actually, it was a hot lunch after all. Hahaha." He laughed nervously. Nobody joined him.

"And then," said Luffy, who seemed ready to rejoin life again, "I said 'I'm really bored' and then I got Usopp and Chopper and we came to get some food -" He collapsed in groans again.

"All right, all right," Sanji said hastily. "I remember that part." He inhaled deeply, then gagged as the smell of rotting meat hit his nose anew. "Nami dearest, how far away is the next island?"

Nami frowned as she redid the calculations in her head. "We should arrive by noon tomorrow," she replied. "It's not that bad. We'll just clean out the fridge and have noodle packets again. Cheer up, Sanji," she added. "I'll give you extra money to go shopping tomorrow, at a very low interest rate."

Sanji managed a decent smile. "Ah, does the lovely Nami's generosity know no bounds?" he cooed to the ceiling.

Nami waved him off, then reached over to grab Luffy by the scruff of his shirt. She hauled him out of the galley and booted him back down to the deck. "Get back to fishing," she ordered. "And make sure you catch something this time."

"...Meat..." came the weak reply.

Nami rolled her eyes and headed back to her room.

In the kitchen, Sanji surveyed the damage and then his troops. Zoro: out cold. Chopper: out cold. Usopp: quaking. Sanji got off the floor. He walked to the sink and drew out two rags and a bag. He tossed one of the rags to the sharpshooter. "Start wiping," he said grimly. Usopp gulped, nodded, and rushed to obey.

A few minutes later, Chopper opened his eyes. It had been a dream. It had just been a bad, bad dream. Funny, though. Dr. Kureha always said you couldn't smell things in dreams, but Chopper had definitely smelled something horrible. Something horrible that smelled a lot like whatever horrible thing was stinking up the kitchen right now. He turned his head. Sanji and Usopp were on their knees, wiping water off the galley floor with rags. A bag of rotting meat lay between them.

Chopper groaned. "That's right," he said to himself. "I make wishes come true." What an awful curse to be saddled with. So the little reindeer did what he always did in times of crisis: he crawled over to the inexplicably comatose Zoro and, attaching his furry body to the swordsman's head, went right back to sleep.

-----to be continued
notes: I know meat doesn't rot quite that quickly, but really, refridgerators shouldn't even exist in the OP universe, so I don't feel that bad about taking liberties. I'd really wanted to make the fridge moldy too, but that would take at least a month's worth of neglect on Sanji's part. How do I know? Let's just say...I know.