Quicken
By: Junsui Kegasu
A/N: It's been a bit, people. I've had writers' block for this so bad, but Freak on a Leash had major inspiration. I haven't even started working on that, though…so…oh, also, some people were confused, particularly about this part of the last chapter:
As she stops talking, I can take the opportunity to glance around the room and see what's going on with everyone else. From Deidara and his sister, I catch a few disappointed snippets of conversation. Deidara's parents weren't there again. I wonder where they are? Does his father work on Christmas day, too? Gaa-chan has returned at the sight of his brother, every so often fading into Gaara for the sake of proving to Kankurou that he's still there, but mostly keeping the happy demeanor. There's another girl there, too, with spiky blond hair that I'm assuming to be his sister. And finally, the last one with a visitor is-
"Oh, my goodness…a-are those…but they're so deep…"
-Sasuke.
Yeah, how that works is there's the paragraph, which is Sasori's thoughts that are then interrupted by his mom talking about Sasuke, and then he ends the paragraph…sorry… thought it made sense…
Disclaimer: I own a bird. He dislikes me.
Neji has been officially declared "missing" among us. Not even Naruto (who's still here, by the way, nearly three days after Christmas) or Sasuke knows what's going on. They went to bed one night and Neji wasn't there. Iruka hasn't mentioned a word and no one gossips. We can pretty much assess the possibility, but no one likes to do that: Neji has been hospitalized or moved.
It's all still very suspicious, as Deidara revealed before, and I think we're all worried in our own way. Sasuke seems to have withdrawn even more into himself, which proves something's wrong, Naruto isn't nearly the sunspot we've known him to be (but that can also be because he's leaving), all of Gaara's personalities seem subdued (although, it seems to be mostly Bokaira and Gaara these days), and Deidara's face shows all. My face does the same, but at the same time, Gaa-chan's told me to stop acting like Sasuke.
Sometimes, it almost seems like Neji took something with him when he vanished. Even though he really didn't say much and I'm the only one he really talked to (and that was, honestly, only one time) he was always…there. He cracked jokes every so often in Personal (yeah, we crack jokes. Go ahead and snort in disbelief) and smiled in response to some of the other ones. Now, there's an empty chair in Circle, a gap at our meal table, and too much room in Personal. It's a good thing he doesn't bunk with me, or I'd be freaking out over the space in there too.
Other than Neji, other things have been happening too. Ever since the day after Christmas, Naruto has been the other object of our main concern. Each hour, there's this ocean of anticipation that he's going to be taken away. With two spaces vacated, my mind might just go insane, so I can only hope this entire thing prolongs itself far out.
It probably won't happen like that, though. Nothing ever does – not even in fairy tales! Something bad always happens, and then it turns out okay in the end. That's why I hate fairy tales: they're too damn unrealistic. Nothing turns out like that; being in this shrink is a prime example. No one just stops their 'problem' and decides to get better. It doesn't work like that, ever. No one ever sees that.
And these are the things I think about when I should be sleeping. I'm going to tell myself it's one in the morning, because then my body will believe it and not worry, and it'll have quite a good shot at sleep until eight thirty. I've given up on breakfast again; Deidara always frowns at me in Circle, but I've had much experience in the way of attempted guilt trips when it comes to me starving myself and it won't work.
Besides…I eat at lunch and dinner. The minimum requirement is all of your dinner, and I eat a small lunch and most of my dinner, which is more than I ate before Deidara. Fortunately for me, I haven't really gained much (at least, I don't think) but I'm sustaining my weight now, which is maybe okay. Since I can't run anymore, as there is no track team to prove myself to, now I just need to worry about not gaining any weight rather than losing more to become faster.
It's kind of weird. Six months ago, I wouldn't be thinking like this. Six months ago, I would've continued to increase my speed, whether I was supposed to or not. Now, I don't care about that anymore. I just don't want to gain weight, because it'll feel like too much and I'll for sure be fat if I can't see my ribs anymore. I'm fine where I am, and if Iruka and the other can't see that, I guess I'll have to hold off until March. Then they'll have to release me.
I think it's safe to begin the count down now. It's the end of December (the twenty-eighth. I've been keeping track since Christmas) so I only have about two months to wait. I can do it. I can make it 'till the end, and then I'll be free.
Why must freedom seem like such an elusive thing?
Have you ever felt your heart drop like an anvil from your chest, through your stomach, down your leg, and out your foot? It's really not a pleasant feeling, but unfortunately one I had to feel when I got to Circle this morning. I knew it was going to happen, but I chose to not bring up my defenses when I should've. I was foolish.
I thought I was the first one to the room, which is unusual for me, but I didn't feel like being in the bedroom and breakfast wasn't an option because I'm feeling weak willed today. Plus, I feel kind of sick, which is odd in the sanitized world, but I think it's just all this change and what it does to me. Speaking of change…I knew this was going to happen. I've been expecting this, for crying out loud! And yet, it still made my heart do that surprised demon drop through my body.
Naruto is standing there, but it isn't with his hands shoved into his pockets, scowling, and looking like he would rather be asleep. Well, the third aspect is true, but he has a suitcase. That can only mean one thing; he's this close to being gone and I'm the only one who witnessed it. Part of me is glad to see him one last time and at least being three hundred percent of where he disappeared to, but there's always that plummet…
They didn't notice me in the doorway. I think that's a good thing, but I am getting that foreboding feeling of intrusion again. To hell with that feeling - I might just learn something important from all of this.
"Hey, Iruka, just one thing that I kind of was curious about," Naruto starts, adjusting the weight of his bag on his shoulders and fixing the maroon hat jammed atop sun-kissed spikes. "What happened to Neji?"
My breath catches in my throat. Part of me wants to know, but another part wants to keep living in denial. I don't know which part of me wants what more, so I stay frozen in place, my pulse ringing in my ears – an even, comforting thu-thump. Thu-thump.
Iruka sighs, turning away and looking around. As quickly as I dare while being cautious of silence, I duck away from the entrance to the room, pressing myself against the wall, juxtaposed with a poster stating that "You Don't Have to Hide." How ironic.
"Well, it was actually a trick modern science played on us. When Neji first got here, obviously, we had to place him on heavy medication in order to quell his withdrawal. It seemed for a while that every time we tried to lessen his dose, he'd start experiencing strange withdrawals to the medicine, so we had to alter his dosage. Recently, it was looking like he was experiencing odd side effects from the medicine that affected chemical structures in his body, so we pulled him out altogether, but he had been getting sick and a side effect and withdrawal nabbed him. We had to hospitalize him because of fever, mostly, but since nothing seems to be working, he probably won't be rejoining this group."
Thu-thump. Thu-thump. Thu-Thump.
It makes sense. It makes perfect sense and I feel rather foolish for my outburst before, about them not having Neji on anything. They had him on stuff, but something tells me he wasn't aware of it. The problem with a lot of us "mentally warped" is that we develop this odd rebellion against medicine, so if we know we're taking something, we either won't or can't take it, or depending on the product, it won't work. To fix the problem, they administer it to us when we don't know, usually during Counseling.
I need to tell them. There's no way around it; I need to, but just as I'm about to turn and possibly burst out my news into the cafeteria (although, I'd probably stop half-way there, realize the stupidity and spontaneity of it and go back) I hear voices; actually, what sounds like Gaa-chan trying to hold a conversation with Sasuke. Why is Gaa-chan always present at meals?
"You really just have to stop being so grumpy, Sasuke!"
"…Whatever…"
A giggle. "Don't you take that tone with me, Mr.!"
"Gaara, just shut up."
I snort quietly, putting myself into view again and strolling into Circle as calmly as I can manage, passing Deidara an "I need to tell you something ridiculously important" glance. He catches it and scoots his chair (already next to mine) a little closer, giving me his curious/anticipating/slightly worried look that means he's expecting it to be something bad, like I'm going to break off our relationship or something.
I guess it turns out I'm as good at reading emotions as I am accidentally displaying them across my face. Unfortunately, I can't tell him anything, because Iruka starts talking again, and this time, we're all paying attention. All focus lies on Naruto, either his head or his feet. Hats and shoes aren't allowed here. Hey, wait, neither are jeans or hooded sweatshirts!
It sinks into the atmosphere, and inwardly, I flinch. I hate this atmosphere; everyone is morose (I swear they have a Gaa-chan ward on this room) and they're going to stay that way the rest of the day. Which means when I get to tell them my revelation in Personal, it's going to feel the same way. Maybe I won't get to say anything, because this atmosphere prefers silence.
Fuck the atmosphere. Global warming is doing the same thing, isn't it?
All eyes are still glued to Naruto, who has decided not to look at us. I don't really blame him, but I wish he'd say something, anything. This is a last time; it should be different, right?
Wrong.
The realization hits me as soon as the previous thought presses to the front of my mind. He's trying to preserve a tradition that he took part of for four months. He won't say anything and we won't say anything, because that's how it always worked. Maybe this is a message. Maybe he's telling us that it's not that big of a change, but if he is, he's wrong. It's two whole people missing that we won't be able to bring back.
Quickly, almost insignificantly, Naruto's gaze flickers up from the gray carpet (was it gray? I never noticed before) and catches mine for a nanosecond before shooting back to their original position. Everyone else may have missed it, but I think he knows I overheard Iruka's explanation of Neji. It might be a relief for him, a relief that he's not the only one who knows, since we've all expressed our worries in separate ways.
And then, without gusto, without sappy tears and waving hands and hugs, he turns and walks out the door, heading down the hall to freedom. Freedom is not elusive to him as it is to I. He got better, maybe he didn't realize it at first, but he got better. Freedom, because of that, is a much simpler goal than mine. I don't want to get better and I'm not getting better.
I'm changing a little, just barely enough for me to notice and adjust slightly, not too badly, but I'm not getting better. There's a difference. …I think. No, there is a difference. There has to be clear-cut differences. Nothing in this world is a smudged line of confusion; everything has a diamond-cut precision about it. We just don't realize it often.
Naruto's gone now and he didn't leave a legacy. If he did, I wouldn't say it anyways because that's ridiculously sappy and he obviously didn't want that. I don't know if anyone else caught on to it, but they're not acting sappy anyways. It's just not like that. Maybe Naruto thought about that, too. I don't know. I've never been inside his head before, but I'm sure it'd be a trip.
I glance around to see how everyone else is faring and catch Sasuke's glance. He almost looks…angry. Angry with what, I'm not sure, but my heart sinks slowly and settles in my stomach from where it ascended back up to my ribcage when the thought that Naruto might've confessed crosses my mind. Sasuke either said "no" or now despises him for making such admittance or he said "yes" and he's angry because Naruto then left.
Maybe I'll confront Sasuke about that, but I probably won't, because it's honestly none of my business and Sasuke is far better a liar than I am. Hell, when I think about it, Sasuke's far better a hider than I. The way he'd been cutting before he got here, he would've been having to wear long sleeves in the summer, and we're not ridiculously warm in summer like Florida, but hell, this isn't Alaska; it's way too warm to do that. He would've had to devise many methods of hiding it, unless his brother didn't really care until he found the suicide attempt.
Good-bye, Naruto. It's been nice having you in my company for four months, and you will be missed. You can't hear that, but that's okay, because neither can anyone else. They're my thoughts – mine – and no counselor can ever pry open my head and worm them out of me. Never.
WHAT did YOU just SAY to ME
!bitch come and say it to my face again bitch!
SLAM! BAM! POW! CRACK BREAK!
i'llkillyou.i'llkillyou.i'llkillyou.i'llkillyou
quicken the violence
After three hours of a lecture centering on how Naruto got better and that's why he walked out that door today, so we should follow his example - subliminally, of course, we're allowed to leave. They wouldn't try to send us on a guilt trip blatantly like that. It might depress us more and make us cry, which isn't the goal of these people. Can the sarcasm be heard dripping off my voice yet?
Walking out the door, Deidara approaches me, giving me a dark, serious look with the one blue eye he keeps visible. I discreetly move a little closer, so when he speaks, only I can hear it and vice versa.
"What's up, yeah?" he asks, a trickle of worry seeping through his nonchalant demeanor. I smile, just barely, just enough for him to see the cryptic message, just to assure him and start.
"I think I might need to hold off 'till Personal to tell you. It's about Neji."
Deidara gives me a curiously shocked look before nodding in understanding. We can't discuss anything under the cameras; that paranoia has sunk into him. It doesn't take that long, but now he understands.
Now, however, I have to leave him to turn down the hall to my counselor's office. Great, three hours of one-on-one with some lady who's name I can never remember. She told me what it was once, but I don't care. Tsu-something. I wish Personal would come sooner, but I don't wish too hard lest the day will inch by slower than usual.
I'm the only one that goes down this particular hallway to go to a counselor, and though I know it's watched with not-so-hidden cameras, I'm always tempted to simply keep strolling past room eighteen and just keep walking around for three hours so I can skip this part of my day. It never works that way, though, and I always go in through the oaken door obediently.
Today is no exception. Maybe one day I'll keep walking, but not today. Today, I'll walk in like a good little boy and sit on the plump, overstuffed, itchy couch like a good little boy with my hands in my lap, but I won't say a word. That's just how it works. You think Tsu-something would just give up.
I take my place on the cushion farthest to the left; it's more interesting than the one on the right. It appears as though someone had spilled coffee on the armrest, and on days when I really get bored, I stare at it. Every time I look, the dark stain marring itchy red material looks like something different, which is actually intriguing. Today, it looks like a sun - a darkened sun, but a sun.
"Well, Hello, Sasori."
No answer. There never is, so she should really stop pausing after she says that.
"So, Sasori, I heard your friend Naruto left."
I swear, they have this conspiracy thing going on where once we get out of Circle, Iruka tells everyone in the building what happens, because then people try to get us to speak about whatever happened. I hate it, even though it makes perfectly logical sense. About two minutes later, she gives up with this approach.
"It says here in a psychological study that you don't like change. How are you taking to this?"
Suddenly, my ribcage constricts, but I force the alarm down. I don't know where she got the information; I don't want to know how they've managed to conduct a study, but I won't let it get to me. If this is some attempt to get me to speak, even if it's just the words "How did you know?" it isn't going to work. I'm a little smarter than that, Tsu-something.
The next two hours and forty-five minutes are going to drag out. I can already feel it.
They say that when you constantly watch a clock, time slows down to a crawl, because you keep looking at that clock - but what about when there isn't a clock to look at? I think time slows down even more when that happens, because everyone's mental minute is different, and you don't have a clock to check. That's how today seemed to move. Thankfully, dinner is almost over. It's almost Personal.
I was so nervous about breaking the atmosphere and sharing such a big piece of information (none of us are used to being in the spotlight) that I didn't go up and get food until a cafeteria lady nearly "freaked out" on me and threatened to call Iruka down here. It really sucks that even they know who is here and for what disorder. Deidara is looking at me like I belong here, too, but he'll see, soon.
Picking at spaghetti and meatballs more than usual, I'm happy when the cafeteria cleaners come in, which is our signal to go to Personal. I calmly throw away the food and stack the tray ignoring the dirty look the cook from before is giving me and knowing that it'll probably be brought up during Counseling tomorrow. I'm bound to have hit one hundred by now; what more do they want?
I don't even wait the normal five to ten seconds after the door closes and the lock clicks before blurting out my news. "I know what happened to Neji."
Everyone had been preparing to do his own thing, except Deidara, who was giving me utmost attention. Gaara stopped trying to work the foosball table and Sasuke looked up from his corner. They didn't even need to ask what before I launched in, spilling everything that had threatened to bash the levee to little pieces.
"They did have him on meds, and every time they tried to get him off, he'd go through withdrawal, and then he started having side-effects, so they took him off, and he got sick. He's hospitalized."
Silence. It's only to be expected, but the atmosphere starts clouding up again and my excitement falters quite a bit until I'm looking back at the floor. Deidara gives me a look, and I think I'm destined to talk about this with him more thoroughly tonight. Good thing I'm really not all that tired.
"So…he was…t-too addicted?" Gaara asks quietly, fiddling with one of the bars on the foosball table. "There's…n-no saving him?" There's a hidden note in those words, something like sorrow and disappointment, but I won't pressure it. Gaara is both very tough and very easy to get information about depending on which part of him you talk to.
"I don't know about that…but they said he…probably won't come back…" The change is sinking in again and I force back the panic, reserving my concerns until tonight when I'm sure Deidara will want to hear them. He always does.
"Well, what the hell, everyone is finding out a way to get their ass out of here," Sasuke mumbles, nestling back into his corner and putting himself into a brooding position. I barely ever agree with Sasuke, but for once, I think he's right. And that's the scary part.
Quicken the a d a p t a t i o nA/N: I AM SO SORRY ABOUT HOW LONG THIS TOOK. I had major writers' block for a while, but I promised a friend of mine it'd be up tonight…so yeah…we're back on track with the plot. I can only hope you all think this chapter is better than the last one.