Quicken

By: Junsui Kegasu

A/N: Inspiration struck me in the shower!

Disclaimer: I still own nothing. Can I pretend?

Unless you're sick, to wake up in the morning feeling that horriblesensation in your stomach is quite uncomfortable. You're too groggy to remember what could've caused it, and then you wonder if it's guilt, anger, sadness, or actual illness. It takes a few moments for me to figure it out, and when it does, the feeling only surges.

I'm so fucking stupid…

Still chastising myself, I stand up, looking to the top bunk in mild hope, only to find it empty. It's no surprise; I wouldn't want to be with me at this point either. He blew up so quick that I could hardly defend myself, but still…

I knew there was a reason I avoided relationships for so long.

I'm not sure, but I think it might be about the time for Circle. Like a small child, I open the door a fraction of an inch and peer out into the hallway. This is practically fruitless as this room is so deep down the hallway, you can hardly tell if people are passing it, but there aren't any voices, either. They must all be in the cafeteria. I'm not going down to Circle until I absolutely have to.

Plopping back onto the bed, I sigh, somewhat defeated. I knew something like this couldn't last too long. I don't like telling people things, and Deidara obviously doesn't like things being kept from him. It's a shame I can't really do much to change how I am, because I didn't think my recent insomnia was as much of a problem as he does. I don't get it in the slightest.

Love is complicated, they say, but this isn't love. It's rather far from it, really. It's "like," if I remember correctly, but I don't think anyone has ever said that "like" relationships were complicated. Maybe it's because they were never meant to last.

Stop thinking like that, Sasori. Even though this probably won't last after I escape from here (though maybe it will; I don't know) I think that this is still kind of pathetic. But, at the same time, is it? Deidara has been here since late November, so that makes nearly a month and a half – definitely the longest relationship I've taken part in, and I'm sure Deidara too.

It's all so perplexing. Half of me would like to think that he would be happier without worrying like he seems to do, but the other half of me would feel so awkward to break it off. He was the one who proclaimed liking me, so it might hurt him, too. Apart from that being both selfish and selfless, the counselors would notice and try to get involved. That's what we've been trying to prevent from happening since we got here.

After a few more moments of contemplation, my internal clock (as screwed up by emotions as it can be) urges me to trudge down to Circle. I change clothing quickly and do so, hoping that I'm alone for the entire journey of just over a minute, depending on your rate of speed. I tend to drag it out as long as possible, because there's nothing too intimidating about the cool linoleum except that it's so albino.

Shockingly, I'm the last one to Circle today. I guess that aforementioned internal clock is off today. Another thing: people aren't sitting where they normally are. I look around quickly to find anyone new, but there's no one. Gaa-chan is in his corner, next to Deidara, where Zetsu sat yesterday. Instead, Zetsu has Deidara's place and Sasuke took my corner.

This is almost mind-blowing.

I gingerly take the seat in between Zetsu and Sasuke, trying to get Deidara to catch my eye. He won't look at me though, and that hurts more than it should. I don't know if he's angry, regretful, or hurt more than I am at this point, and that's what scares me. I need to know what's going on, because I hate suspense. I could never read mystery fiction, no matter how hard I tried, and though this isn't all that similar to a Mary Higgins Clark book, the suspense is still killing me.

Iruka chatters on about everything and nothing, current events, and news of our ward. The only thing that strikes my attention is that Gaara's birthday is in ten days. Gaa-chan told me that his birthday is on the nineteenth, which makes today the ninth. This time, I vow to keep track, though it is very, very difficult at times. It's just too monotonous to remember things like that. Everything seems too trivial.

He continues by reading an article in the paper about how a hazardous cloud of smoke threatened the air of Sandusky County yesterday. I almost look around to search for Neji's longing gaze. I know that if anything, he would've wanted to inhale the "sweet" toxins of chemical reactions. Instead, I look to Zetsu, who doesn't seem like he really cares. Then again, he isn't so far buried as Neji was. Still is.

The next hour passes in the same fashion before he goes on to try and teach us a lesson about being truthful with ourselves. That's the first step to healing, apparently, but I don't think it's all that crucial. I think we all know why we're here (and I hate when they ask you, "Do you know why you're here?" because it's rather rhetorical) and that it's dangerous. The negative factor is that we don't care. Can Iruka notice this?

Sometimes, I wonder.

Finally the discussion turns on how friends and even stronger relationships can both help and hurt your mental health. Wow, did you not know that people are influential? This might actually be interesting if it were on a higher level, but instead it's the same thing you would hear if you were in a fourth grade health class. The same mantras included.

Two more months…

When I get to lunch, I have to wonder if I'll even last that long. Deidara is sitting all the way on the far side of the table, away from me, and I'm no clingy little girl. I get the hint. It doesn't mean I like the fact that the order is so disturbed at the moment, but I get it.

He can stop any time now. I'm getting rather annoyed, though I guess he's the one who has a right to be annoyed with me, but this is immature, unnerving, and especially obvious. Won't someone realize something is wrong? Something is out of the ordinary; that makes it wrong. I don't think they can tell. Some of me thinks that may be a good thing, but a lot of me is very grateful that they're either unobservant or respectful.

I keep trying to catch his eye, all the way across the table, but he has it planned out so the eye closest to me is the one covered by that draping of bleach-blonde hair and the other one is determinedly away from me. It's more frustrating than painful, because I want to catch his attention, and just twenty-four hours ago it could easily been done with a twitch of a glimpse. Now I'm invisible.

Or maybe I'm so thin to him that he doesn't want to see me. Oh, I see your game, Dei. I see it perfectly, but it isn't going to work. I'm not head-over-heels in love withhim likehe may think; there's no way that I'm so desperate to change just for the sake of a "like" relationship. Or maybehe's not thinking that. I'm just so assumptive sometimes. I think I should change it because it's certainly more imperfect than anything else, but for now, I won't worry about it.

Not while I'm still angry at Dei. I have no real reason to be angry other than the vain excuse thathe won't even take a glance in my direction, but I am. I don't feel like this often; usually I can keep emotions reasonable, which rules out anger, immense depression, and exuberance for the most part, but he seems to change things in me. He's like a key ingredient of a cake that's making me swell and take form.

Only to be swallowed by Life once I exit the oven.

I'm afraid to change like that, for that reason. I don't want to go out there and be taken advantage of, or have to face the most gruesome side of this city (and all cities have one.) I figured that if I go out there the same way I came in, I'll still be used to everything and everything will then be fine. A small part of me keeps telling me that it's possible, but I've learned. It was like an apocalyptic revelation.

I can't really stay at home for long, because I know it's just going to weigh on not just me, but my parents as well, and the tension will be too bad. No, I'll go back, but merely to get packed and move out. And yet, that would also be awkward. I don't know anymore. This is why I dislike looking to the future; it always ends up scaring me. Like, am I considered a drop out now? I won't leave here until I'm eighteen. I don't know. I don't know anymore.

And that's the frightening part. As much as I hate this place, it's security. I can't leave yet, and even in March, it's an anchor. It's been a constant for so long that such a large change might push me off the edge again (and oh, how we can't have that!) I don't want to have to go through it alone. I'm weak for saying it, but until Dei, I never thought about life after this. I only started because he'll still be here when I'm gone. I had to think about it.

Knowing that he was here was like a constant I could cling to; relief in a vast sea of unexplored territory (or rather, previously explored, but uncharted.) Now that he's so mad at me, it's like my buoy just sunk into the dark, cold Pacific and I'll just be another amidst the crowd with those sad, longing eyes that show he missed out on something big. He screwed up his life big time.

I'm really being overdramatic right now. Is lunch over yet?

I dread Personal. This is such a new thing that it's barely settled into me, but I dread it today because I can be free so far as the others know, but I can't because I'll be in contact with Dei. I don't know what to say. Apologies might not be accepted, but ignoring the whole thing might just be insult to injury. I can't see that well into his head. I can read his eyes, but he won't look at me.

Close the curtains – it's getting far too bright out there!

Numbly, I walk behind the group from dinner to Personal, rambling thoughts running through my head. I wish I could rewind things and try to fix them, but we all know the VCR of Life has long lost its rewind button, and the remote control is part of the rotation of our planet. The whole while, my eyes are glued to the back of his head, hoping that maybe he has eyes in the back of his head. Teachers seem to.

Of course, Dei doesn't (he's just an average teen, after all) nor does he turn around. What are we going to do during Personal? What are we going to talk about? Nothing big is going on, so there's really no point in talking… we'll just have free time. And free time means more time I have to avoid him.

When we sit, this time it's me making sure there's a lot of space between Dei and I, shooting him an anxious look across the room. It's ignored. Zetsu starts everything off, with a growl, leaning against the wall.

"What the hell do you guys normally do around here? If this is seriously every day, I'm pushing my ass through the bars on these windows."

If Naruto were here, perhaps he'd have said something. If last night hadn't happened, perhaps Dei or I would say something. But we just let him ramble, because Naruto isn't here and Dei and I aren't on speaking terms, but it's affecting us as people, too. It's something to fill the silence, to nod to or agree with or just sigh at depending. I guess Zetsu was a good addition here, for us. Not for him, but for us.

When Zetsu stops talking, we all kind of shift around to whatever it is we want to do. I consider talking to Sasuke again, but he seems either firmly rooted in denial or genuinely ignorant to Naruto's affections. As much as I want to march up and tell him that I know, both to get rid of my boredom and curiosity, it seems like an insult to Naruto's memory to blow his cover if he hasn't yet. I can't risk it, though a foreboding feeling is churning its way through my stomach.

To keep my mind off both Sasuke and Dei, I watch Gaara. I don't think he's Gaa-chan right now because he's not obnoxious. He's just sitting there smiling at nothing. If I knew the boy better I'd say he's having a conversation with himself, but I can't tell. Maybe he's just content at this point (lucky, lucky child.) His birthday's coming up. I don't know what it marks for him, but it's coming up. What will our overseers say to this holiday?

Worrying about the bouncy-angry-morose redhead takes my mind off many things, and I'm grateful he's here. We all play a key role in something to affect everyone else, and maybe that's why so much turbulence is going on. Neji was always like a rock that we could talk to in Personal, though he wouldn't say much, and Naruto was like a relief factor. With them gone, things have just… tightened up. That's all; we just need to adapt a little bit more. Then everything will be okay.

Liar, liar – pants on fire!

I'm tired. Exanimate is more like it, but whatever you want to call it, I want to sleep. And by sleep, I don't mean lie-awake-thinking-about-Dei-because-he's-right above-you but sleep-sleep. It's kind of a good thing I feel like this, because at this point of the day, I'm not ready to accept an apology. In fact, I don't think I will, because he's sure caused me Hell today, and I don't really want to stand for it another day. So I'll just keep saying that this does not affect me.

Climbing into bed, I don't even bother to look at the bottom of the bunk above me to see if it's curved under Dei's weight. I don't want to know right now and I hope he's still in the shower so by the time he gets out I'll be asleep. My eyelids are heavy, so if he doesn't get back soon, I'll be asleep. Perfect.

"Hey."

…Except, nothing is ever perfect. I ignore the voice, snuggling into my pillow.

"You never sleep like that, yeah," comes the voice again, slightly annoyed.

I sigh, rolling over and opening my eyes. I won't speak to him. I'm afraid I'll blow up or say things I don't want to say, so instead I just keep quiet. He takes my silence for something awkward ('Good,' some part of my mind tells me nastily) and fidgets, sighing.

"Look, I just want to apolo-"

"Not yet, Dei," I say abruptly. "Don't talk about this now. I want to sleep." It's cruel and snappish, but… I can't explain it, but I don't feel like dealing with it right now. I want to sleep. It's selfish, but I'm not ready for him yet.

I think I missed a chance.

Dei gets the hint and dejectedly crawls back up to his bunk, silent the whole time. The darkness acts as a blinding blanket, and I'm glad, because I can't see the hurt I know is in his eyes. It'll be luck if I can sleep now, but I'll keep trying. I always try. I really, really do…

With these thoughts, my eyelids are closing again, a lump in my throat beginning to build up and then dissolve as the protective skin gets heavier and heavier. I won't deal with this. Maybe tomorrow. Maybe… maybe some other time; just not now. I don't want to forgive. I don't want to get better. I don't want to figure anything out – I just want to sleep. And sleep, I do.

Quicken the a n g u i s h
HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY, STAKEH! Oh, this is another filler-ish chapter because it's the bridge between two somethings and I had to keep it short because we really don't need anymore of Sasori's angst… I'm very displeased with the ending, so… yeah. Don't expect another chapter for a while because I'm going on vacation and planning on posting other ongoing stuff so I can focus on a variety of things and not get stuck so easily. TTFN!