Quicken

By: Junsui Kegasu

A/N: I've had on-and-off inspiration for this of late, so I figured I'd write it… oh, and as a random note, though I said I'd be posting other things, one of my main inspirations (though it pains me to do this) has been delayed until I get into high school, for the sole sake of having a correct grasp of the setting. With that said, onwards!

Disclaimer: Hm. I think it's safe to say I own Gaa-chan. That's about it. (hugs Gaa-chan)

The last time I checked, Dei, longing glances are supposed to be a one-sided thing. In this case, it's my side of the argument, and here he is with those big, blue pools giving me the look of a starved puppy. Of course, to make no sense, I've been doing the same to him (without the puppy aspect, thank you very much) and this is the first time I've caught him with the same look. What does this mean? I'll tell you: we're too cowardly to apologize to each other, so we'll keep hoping the other one will.

Except I don't think it works that way. I think in a relationship, there's a purpose to one person being emotionally stronger than the other. It doesn't work on equal terms, and maybe that's why opposites attract. I never got that phrase until now, seeing as opposites would generally hate each other since hatred is spawned off of disagreement of belief. That's why our relationship is absurd to begin with; being in the place we are categorizes us both as emotionally weak to begin with. Whether or not it's true I really don't know. I don't really have much of a standard of comparison.

I think he's caught me now, because he's looking back at his French toast sticks intently, as if the secret to life is hidden in the shine of the syrup. Breakfasts are cheap in this place, so this is the same stuff commonly found back in elementary schools. I always hated cafeteria food… Why did I come out here, again? I couldn't stand being in there with my thoughts, with my memories, with the way the bed felt so empty as it had when I woke up.

As a matter of fact, my curtness towards Dei last night didn't plague me one bit. I slept through the entire night and it felt very, very nice. But now that I'm awake, it's kind of nagging at me. I completely blew a chance to end the awkward aftermath of an argument and he's hurt about it. And since I still feel awkward about the whole thing, I'm… not hurt (never, never hurt) but indescribable. I think I'll just have to overcome pride or fear or whatever it is that's keeping me from saying anything and apologize on the way to Circle. I'm not spending another three hours in this atmosphere.

With my mind made up and breakfast over, everyone stands up and robotically takes their plates to the trash. As usual, the monitor gives me a dirty look because I didn't touch my breakfast at all, but since breakfast isn't required even for anorexics, she can't say a word to me. I relish the freedom even more this time. I don't know why, but it always feels good to do something they don't want me to do here. I guess sleeping put me in a good mood this morning.

Normally, we all walk in a large group without a designated leader or designated fallout. Today, Deidara hangs back, staring at the white tile. This is my second chance and I don't think I'll waste it this time. Temporary satisfaction and relief can only do so much for one's conscience, and it's probably weighing even more heavily on his than my own. Tactfully (never, never obviously) I slow my pace so I'm closer to him, and only when the farthest back person, Sasuke, is for the most part far away do I deliberately move a little closer.

We slow a little more, inching through the hallway until Sasuke's spikes (probably bed-head, because we aren't allowed to use hair products) can no longer be distinguished well and look softer. Then we stop completely. During this time, I kept my eyes glued to my feet, though I've long-since memorized the pattern skin, bone, and nail. Now I look up, hardening my eyes as to hide my insecurity.

"Look –"

"Don't, yeah."

For a moment, I'm startled. Is he doing the same thing I did to him last night? Is he… is he angrier now? The questions run by, each more ridiculous than the last, and even though it's been less than three seconds it seems like months, and then years, and then…

"I should be the one apologizing anyways, yeah," he continues, his gaze ascending just barely, just noticeably. "For being such a snoop."

And then all at once, there's nothing I can say, nothing I can even think of to say. Nothing at all: perpetual nihility. I fear that he'll take my silence as a rejection, but unlike all those clichéd romance novels, he seems to understand. He always understands, whether my expression or such betrays it or not, and I'm glad.

"I'm sorry," I mumble, just because I have to say something, even if it doesn't make sense. "I blew you off last night."

"Nah," he looks up fully and smiles crookedly. "I thought about it, yeah, and I had gotten mad at you for not sleeping, so if you wanted to sleep, I shouldn't have even bugged you, yeah."

I open my mouth to say something humbling, but he interjects.

"I wasn't even really… mad, yeah. It was… confusing. I mean, I was mad, yeah, but not at you. More at me, yeah, because I couldn't help you."

Something cold and warm and liquid but solid runs through me all at once, and for the second time in just as many minutes, I'm at a loss for words or thoughts. I don't know what I can say to that, because now that I'm assured someone really cares and really worries about something other than my perfection, how can I do anything at all? It would be so selfish, so horrible to go on and hurt myself, but I'm not enough for anything, for anyone… except him. And it almost means the whole world.

Almost.

Our eyes lock, gray meeting blue, and we just stay like that for a while, content to be that way forever. The warm contact is only broken by footsteps, echoing loudly off the tile. Simultaneously we look, silver hair alerting us to Kakashi instantly.

"Hey! Aren't you two supposed to be somewhere?"

I dislike Kakashi for the sole reason that when I need him to intervene, he doesn't, and when I need him to be somewhere else, he isn't. Glowering as much as I can, I turn and walk in the direction of Circle, Dei following me. It doesn't strike me until we're at the doors that us coming in like this, late and together, might strike some form of suspicion. Then I remember that no one has a clue of what we're up to, so I push open the door and we walk in.

For once, the stares don't bother me. For once, I don't care what they think.

Personal that evening is different. Zetsu found out he's getting moved to Juvie via his counselor today, and he'll probably leave sometime tomorrow. This isn't much of a loss considering that Zetsu's only been here for a short time and I never grew to like him much. He reminds me too much of my neighborhood. For all I know, he's part of my neighborhood.

Zetsu isn't the thing that's really bothering me; Sasuke is (again.) He always seems to bother me these days, especially after Naruto. It seems that Naruto's secret hit him hard if he ever told him, and though my instinct flares with suspicion that he knows and it's doing things to him, he denies it. My instinct has been wrong before, so I don't push, but tonight struggle is written all over his face, whether he's given up hiding it or if it's a new problem.

I want to talk to him about it (like normal) but I don't want to arouse anything by doing so frankly. Deidara's with me again and we're up against the same wall and near enough to each other where he has reached down and grabbed my hand. When he grabbed it, something shot through me, something warm and electric. I liked it, but the electricity has worn off and now only a pulsing remains, though I think that's my own heart.

Our clasped hands, hidden from view, are like a symbol of this relationship. I read somewhere that holding hands meant something pure, something real, and now I think I know what that means. It gives me a fuzzy feeling that I thought was only possible in cheesy romances, but it's also distracting. I don't know what to do about Sasuke. I keep thinking I can just talk to him, but I really can't, because I can't risk it no matter what. However, the comfort from Deidara's hand (who knew one could have hands so small?) will let me think about later. Maybe tomorrow.

Suddenly Deidara squeezes my hand and I snap out of my thoughts, looking at him, but he's not looking at me. Following his gaze, I settle on Gaa-chan who's… staring at us. I bite my lip and give him a look, because he looks ready to ask a question that'll blow our cover. To that, he blinks and turns back around, annoying Zetsu with whatever's going on in his life at this point in time. If this kid can keep a secret until his birthday, at least, he's getting one good present from me.

Gaa-chan has been out more often than any of the other personalities. His counselor, from what I've overheard just by having sensitive ears, is both confused and proud that he's finally found a start. He's confused because he can't figure out why the dominating personality wouldn't be Gaara himself, but I'm sure even Gaa-chan, who could talk to anyone about anything as long as he's bribed, hasn't explained his family history, so he's missing pieces. Of us all, Gaara partakes the least in any of the Conspiracy. Since he has all those people at once, he's kind of forgetful and Gaa-chan loves to talk.

When we hear the lock unclick from the door, we stand up as one and move towards the door, filtering down the hall and into our own rooms. Sasuke and Zetsu leave us first, and then Gaa-chan runs ahead to "beat us to the room," so once again, we're alone.

"Hey," Dei whispers, "What's up with you, yeah? You seem kind of… troubled, yeah."

I sigh, and really, really hope he won't get mad this time. "It's Sasuke… but it's about something I kind of promised I wouldn't tell anyone…"

After a pause in which my heart beats loudly, he smiles weakly. "That's okay, yeah," he says kind of briskly. "All right, yeah. Just wanted to know."

The briskness kind of… bothers me, but really, what can I do? We make it into the room, quickly change into pajamas and climb into bed. Dei doesn't waste time getting up to his bunk and then coming down; tonight he just climbs in bed with me. It seems… I don't know, weird. It's like something you wouldn't imagine unless you were married. The feeling quickly subsides when Deidara wraps his arms around me. I turn and hug him back, my face against his chest. I can hear his heart… I can feel his heart. Its rhythm makes my own heart flutter, and then slowly, it lulls me.

We fall asleep in each other's arms that night.

If the windows weren't barred in this place and the weather wasn't so cold, I think I would've woken up with birds chirping and sunlight flitting across my face, but it didn't happen. I did wake so happily, however, that if Kisame were here, he'd tell me that I had gotten laid last night. I definitely didn't go that far, but being held is quite possibly the most comfortable feeling one can ever experience, especially if a heartbeat is involved.

Though I woke up alone in bed, it doesn't bother me much at all because I can just feel that it's kind of late anyhow. I might have to compose myself as to not walk out smiling. If I do that, they might suspect. I stop, realizing I'm beginning so sound an awful lot like Bokaira and Gaara do. Bokaira's just a depressed, sensitive, paranoid part of Gaara – the part the abuse really seemed to form. Gaara's paranoid because of his dad. Maybe there's nothing to fear in smiling… but I won't risk it.

I continue to breakfast with a happier note in my walk in replace of the smile. When I sit down, I feel like the silver spot on a gray quilt. It's just a bit uncomfortable, but I get over that very quickly when Deidara slides his hand into mine under the table. Then, I could feel like a flashlight in darkness without caring a single bit. I'm in such a good mood that I even pick at my pancakes (without butter and syrup) a little more than usual, even if they're either undercooked or overcooked and leave a nasty film on the roof of my mouth.

The sugar-sweet moment continues for quite a while, until Zetsu comes out. He's still compliant to our dress code, so I guess he's not leaving right away. The only thing different with him is that the normally stoic scowl across his face is now a puzzled frown. Everyone else notices, too, and he gets the table's undivided attention as he sits down.

"My room-mate's acting weird," he says. A feeling of dread engulfs me nearly instantly, and Deidara's hand is suddenly far too warm and it's so cold I'm burning. Sasuke did something. Sasuke did something "weird."

"What kind of weird?" Shukaku asks in a bored tone, attempting to stab his pancakes with the spoon given to him.

"Is there any kind?" Zetsu snaps. "He's under his covers, but he's sitting up and mumbling to himself and he acts like I'm not there."

"He's never done that before, yeah?" Deidara asks carefully. "Maybe he just had a nightmare or something…"

Yeah. A nightmare. I really wish I could be that unaware of my surroundings, but the little part of me that screamed to tell Sasuke that I knew about what Naruto said to him is numbed with shock. The rest of me, the parts that were so scared to betray Naruto's word, has a sense of cold dread and suddenly Deidara's hand is too warm, the air around me too cold.

Even so, I cannot betray Naruto. I just can't. It could be anything – anything in the world from nightmare to sorrow. I try to convince myself that's what it is. It's nothing - nothing at all. I can only barely convince myself of this lie, being as frank as I am, and the dread lingers like frostbite soaked in hot water. No one else seems to have anything to say and we all go back to our breakfast, a little uneasily. But I can't eat anything now. What I have eaten is churning in my stomach, churning in dread and guilt.

Sasuke, you better be okay.

Like a class, Iruka takes attendance every day in Circle. By now he can do it mentally, so when his own tired eyes scan the room, they show surprise at the lack of a person. Quickly he goes back to figure out which one of us it is, and then, amongst the silence and my guilt, he asks, "Has anyone seen Sasuke?"

Zetsu almost opens his mouth to talk, but simultaneously Shukaku and I give him a look and he shuts up. If it really is nothing, they're both thinking, Iruka doesn't need to be bothered with it. I'm still trying to immerse myself in that lie, so I have to play along, even though for once I'm screaming at Iruka to go check out his room. Make sure he's okay. He didn't do anything. He can't do anything.

This idea gives me satisfaction for a little bit before I remember with horror Gaara and his nails. But they've been trimming Sasuke's since Gaara's incident… haven't they? There's no way… there can't be. It's impossible. I'll entertain that thought for a while: it's impossible. Many things are impossible… are improbable… are the result of a sick kind of fear.

I hope that this is one of them.

Iruka seems suspicious but goes on with the lesson as usual. During the current event of the day (something about a severe storm that attacked Texas) Kakashi comes running in and whispers something into Iruka's ear. His eyes get all wide and he quickly stands up and leaves Kakashi with us. The silver-haired man seems miffed and turns to us to tell us to stay put before leaving.

Dei's giving me a pointed look now, and I have to look away. I promised. We don't know what's going on yet. It could be nothing – it could be everything. My conscience, emphasized by blue fire from the chair next to me, fights with my morals as whether or not to tell. This could be serious; shouldn't I tell something like this? No… no, it's nothing. He can't have done anything. To assure myself, I look at Gaa-chan's nails, still kept to less than a stub. Less than a stub can't hurt anyone.

I feel sick when something in me says with grim satisfaction, keep on believing that.

Everyone splits up eventually, going into separate corners or just anywhere. I went to the far side of the room so I could deal with myself alone, but I don't think Dei will stand for it. He's followed me wherever I went, and I'm trying to make my isolation inconspicuous. Finally, with me huddled into a corner, he crouches down, leaning his weight on his hands, and stares me straight in the eye.

"You know what's going on, yeah."

The sentence is said almost casually, with barely an edge of suspicion or anger or hurt… but it still cuts through me like a butcher's knife. What can I do? Now there are two things to fight over: my promise versus Sasuke's safety and my relationship versus my promise. Why, oh why, does that two syllable, seven-word thing have to be so important and argumentative?

"Dei… look, I can't. I promised!"

"Promised who, yeah?" He demands, the edge sharper than before. To this, I wince before considering my options. The fact that I said it was Naruto is irrelevant… I think. I hope. Maybe I can kill two birds with one stone. If Dei knows that I promised Naruto I wouldn't tell, perhaps his curiosity will be fed, and I'll have a bit of it off my chest.

"Sasori, who did you promise that you won't tell anyone a thing, yeah?"

"Naruto," I mumble, looking at my knees, pulled high to my chest. "I promised him before he left."

"Well obviously," he states bluntly and sarcastically. "You can't exactly promise him after he's gone, yeah. You told me last night it had to do with Sasuke, and this is just a wild guess, yeah, but did Naruto have a bit of a crush?"

My heart freezes in my chest. Can I tell him? He knows… he knows…I can tell him. No, no, I can't tell him the whole thing. I stay silent, even though I know that silence only means yes. Silence always means yes.

"Why is this relevant, yeah?"

I won't tell. I promised. "I can't."

"Bullshit, yeah! He's not bodily restraining you, so tell me, dammit!"

Before I can answer him, though he sounds so awfully angry I don't think I'd want to anyways, Iruka comes back in, face distressed. Everyone turns and looks at him, even Shukaku baring the eyes of a child caught with his hand in the cookie jar. There's a struggle, even within myself, to just boom out with all the questions I need answers to. I open my mouth, compelled.

"What the hell's going on here?"

Startled, I look at Zetsu, angrily confused on the other side of the room. Iruka gives him a slightly reprimanding look as well before sighing. "There's been a situation."

"No shit," he tells him sarcastically. "What kind of 'situation'?" The word is said with the difficulty of one who never uses it in their vocabulary, but it sums up (albeit crudely) all of our questions in one.

"Please watch your mouth," Iruka says steadily. "Sasuke has… managed to find a flaw in our safe-guarding."

-sXlXiXcXe-
It's so damn beautiful…
SilverGLINTING SilverSLICING
.red.exes.and.o's.
Quicken the s e v e r

Even Zetsu, mind numbed by street slang knows that that means. As one, our eyes all widen. Dei's give me a nasty glare and my body suddenly feels hollowed.

Quicken the p e r p e t u a l n i h i l i t y
(dodges things) All right, I know this took forever! I meant to have it up before Boston, but that went down the drain… enjoy for now and my next goal is to have a chapter up on my birthday! …Even though you're not supposed to give things on your birthday. You'll all give me happy reviews, ne, ne?