ZEDD - TWO WEEKS LATER
It's been a week since I left the hospital. It took until the third day after I woke up for Thomas to tell me his name. I shake my head as I remember how he emphasized that nobody but me gets to call him by his full name, but refused to tell me why or why I even do it in the first place, although I think I can guess. One thing that still confuses me, though, is - if we are in fact married and actively mating - why are we not sharing a bed or at least a room?
The first day he brought me here, he gave me a tour. When we got to the bedroom, he informed me that he'd be sleeping in the spare room and I could stay in there. I tried to ask him why the hell he'd want to go and do something like that, but he quickly moved on. The only things I can think of is his feelings are still hurt because I can't remember him or he's giving me space to try and get my memories back. Apparently, in spite of the length of time that we've supposedly been together, he either doesn't know or doesn't realize how much senses and memory of experiences go hand in hand for Eltarians.
The children came home a couple of days ago. I truly wish I could remember them. They are beautiful, smart and funny - and clearly love us both very much. At the boy's request, I've read him a bedtime story and tucked him in for the night. I looked in on the girl, who's been reading in bed. She'd looked up at me, smiled and asked me to turn the light out for her as she marked her place and set the book aside.
Not knowing what else to do, I head for my room. I'm not tired, but I change for bed anyway as again my options are rather limited, especially considering I have no recollection of what this business is that Dar keeps referring to, nor is going out really a choice since I can't understand what in the hell these humans are saying as none speak Eltarian. I decide to head downstairs to get something to drink before I even try to sleep in that overly large, empty bed, however I stop dead when I reach the kitchen. I heard something, I'm sure of it. I'm just not sure what it was and I hold my breath hoping to hear it again. When I do, I instantly move in the direction it came from. Someone's crying quietly. In a moment, I'm just outside the door of the office.
Thomas' voice is thick with tears and slightly slurred when he says, "Just give me the damn shot, Pina."
"Tommy, look, why don't you just-"
Another sob. "Without the lecture, okay?"
Yet another sob has me moving into the room quickly and my mouth is on autopilot even as she finishes giving him his requested injection. "What the hell did you do?"
"What?" She looks at me, startled.
"What the hell did you do?! Why is he crying?" Moving swiftly between her and Thomas, even if she doesn't really seem to pose a threat, I still can't take the chance as she's clearly done something to put him in distress.
Abruptly, her confusion turns to annoyance and she fixes me with a dangerous glare. "I didn't do anything and just so you know, you try to pin me by my throat to the wall again, Zeddic and this time I'll be the one to make you sorry."
Pin her to the what now? What is she talking about? I look down at my hand to see that it is, in fact, curled to grab her by the throat and had she not backed up there is every chance I very well might have had against the wall by this point. Shaking off my surprise and refocusing on the issue, I return her glare with one of my own. "You obviously did something or he wouldn't be crying."
"Leave her alone, Zedd. She didn't do anything, but try and help" Thomas slurs. He takes another drink from the glass in his hand before refilling it from the bottle.
"Then why are you crying?" I demand.
He takes another drink. "Because, you clueless ass, I'm upset!"
"Why?"
"You're joking right?" Giving me a flat look, he mutters something in a language I don't recognize before continuing in Eltarian. "Zedd in the past two weeks you nearly died, I have no idea if I would have too, due to the bond, which would have left our children without either of us to protect them if I had. You don't remember me, you want nothing to do with me, and I have no one to talk about it with."
"So talk about it!"
"I can't talk to you about it."
Well now I'm more than a little offended. "If we're supposed to be mates, then-"
He laughs but there's no humor in it. "I can't talk to you because you're my problem!" Out of the corner of my eye, I see Pina and the previously unnoticed Dar slipping out of the room. "Damn it, Zedd, I miss my mate and I know it's not your fault but I didn't want you to feel bad so I can't talk to you and I wish there was a way to make you remember me and the kids and how much we love you and all the memories that you're missing but there isn't and it's killing me that there's nothing that I can do to help you!" He stops and draws a breath. "And why in the hell did you come charging in here anyway?"
"I - don't know." I think about it for a minute. "I heard crying and somehow I knew it was you and - I had to fix or stop whatever was causing it." I realize that the only way I'd feel things that intensely would be if the bond recognized its mate in distress - in spite of him closing it so long ago.
"Well, isn't that lovely. My mate can't remember me, doesn't want me to touch him or kiss him or hold him, but by god he wants to come running to the rescue. Well, good on ya, buddy."
"Thomas, I don't know what to say although I'm fairly certain that you drinking isn't going to help at all - any more than avoiding me has been."
"I'm not."
"Really. Then do tell, Thomas, if we're supposed to be mates, then why are we not - at the very least - in the same room if not the same bed?"
"Again, you're joking right?" Heaving a sigh at my serious look, he shakes his head. "You flip out on me, tell me not to even touch you as it's not 'proper' when mated to someone else and you wonder why I haven't made you share a bed with me?" Oh, that.
"I was still getting a grasp of what had happened when I told you that, Thomas. As far as I could and can recall Annwyl was my mate, not you and when you went to touch me and kiss me after I'd just taken in everything and was still trying to sort through it- listen, I apologize if I hurt your feelings I didn't mean to, however as you recall I have tried to get you to come rest with me in the past few days. Especially when you seemed to be having trouble sleeping due to whatever distressing dreams you've been having." Which is again something else he won't tell me about. "Look, why don't you come to bed with me tonight? We may both rest better if you do and perhaps it'll help settle whatever has you so upset."
"I can't."
"Why?"
"Because I didn't want you to feel pressured to mate with what would seem to you to be a stranger! You aren't like that! Not to mention the Phaedosian genetics are strongly linked to a wilder life, I guess you'd say, and after a while my hormones get a bit out of control and I have no intention of forcing myself on you - again."
The last word said so softly I almost missed it, I still make note of it to ask him about later. For right now, though, I sniff the air and catch the faint aroma of pheromones. He's not kidding although I can tell they are currently being controlled in a less than natural way. That must be what the shot he asked Pina to give him was for. "The shot from Pina?"
He nods shortly and drains his glass. He reaches for the bottle again, but being sober allows me to snatch it away before he's even close. "Give it back, Zedd."
In spite of the fact this is the first time I've seen him drink in the week I've been here, I can't help but ask, "Is this something you do regularly?"
"No. And I have no intention of getting completely drunk either. The powers are already burning it out of my system as slowly as I'm drinking it, so please give it back."
"Slowly? Thomas, I've already seen you down two glasses in ten minutes."
"Zedd, I may have forgotten to mention that, many years ago, I used to drink once a year on the anniversary of my parents' funerals and in far greater quantities and much greater speed than one little bottle of bourbon in a couple of hours. Besides I'd never allow myself to get completely smashed with the children here, no matter how upset I am."
I set the bottle down out of his reach. "Let's try something else then, shall we?"
His eyes narrow. "Like what?"
"Many Eltarian memories are linked to our senses."
He nods briefly. "I remember your circus analogy many years ago."
"All right then. If we're mates and have been as long as you've said and, I'm fairly certain, we have a rather active sex life, then why not try to unlock my memories with more familiar means?"
"I just said I'm not going to force you into anything, Zedd."
I pause as I think. "Well, I'm not talking about full on mating just yet, but-"
"Zedd, don't. You're still stuck in a time where you're hung up on Annwyl and I've already been humiliated once when you've called out his name instead of mine. I'm not really looking to repeat the experience." Shit.
"Was this before or after he showed up claiming you a pet?"
"Before, but not long before, add in the fact I was still getting used to having a male for a mate and-"
"Wait, what?"
"I hadn't been with a male before you - well not willingly at least. I'd had a few female companions, but it never worked out and they always left me. You thankfully showed up and saved me before the ones abusing me at the hospital could take things all the way, but I was still shaky and getting situated with things when the subject of Annwyl came up."
Studying him carefully I don't know why but a sudden thought occurs. "How old are you?"
"Forty eight." What?
"You're only forty eight hundred?" Well that might explain how emotional he is, being that young and hurt in the past I suppose-
"No, not hundred, forty eight years." Oh I- wait, what?! Smiling slightly at my look of disbelief, he shakes his head. "Problem?"
"You- but I- you're a child!"
"Flattering, however, no. Humans develop very rapidly compared to Eltarians and other similar species. I'd actually be considered an adult on Earth at the age of eighteen, though I think you've said before there would just have been no way for you to see me as such even if we had known about the bond at the time and you would have had to court me for a good few years before mating would have even been an option." A few years? Try a few hundred.
"You're only forty eight years old" I repeat still trying to grasp the situation fully.
"I am."
"I was the first male you'd mated with fully?" By hell I really have become a deviant haven't I.
"You are."
"Did I even court you?"
"We had to work on what would be called a learning curve. Given the fact I was still recovering from what'd happened on Earth, and we were being attacked a lot, there wasn't much of what would have been considered a proper courting, however neither of us seemed to have a problem with it."
"So…" Uncertain how to ask what's now on my mind, I'm however spared by my clearly prepared husband.
"I took you first. I was still scared and a bit damaged and you allowed me to take the lead in things until I got more comfortable."
I sit down on the couch by him, thinking about this. "Okay. So by first you mean that-"
He sighs heavily. "Yes, Zedd, we - I - got to the point where you were able to take me." He moves enough to reach the bottle and refills his glass.
I can't help it. I need to know, but I'm nervous. "Did I- was it- how did-?" I can't ask and I know I sound like an idiot, especially if his slight smile is any indication.
Still, Thomas seems to know what I'm failing to ask and he does after a moment spare me from actually attempting to get it out again. He looks into his glass, but I can still see the far away look in his eyes. "It was - amazing, Zedd. And I'm sure it wasn't exactly how you'd have wanted it, but you…" He swallows hard, and by the fresh whiff of pheromones I'm getting, I'm guessing he's caught up in the memory. "You were incredible" he finishes softly before he takes another drink.
I'm incredibly relieved. The first times that Annwyl and I took each other weren't nearly so pleasant being that we were so new and all and I know for a given fact I was anything but incredible then as Annwyl even stated as much if I recall correctly. "That's - good. I mean, it being your first time and you so young-"
"Zedd, the average human lifespan is about ninety years" he interrupts me. What now? "I've only been a half breed for about seventeen or eighteen years now. Plus, our collective guess is that between the differences in species that we're roughly the equivalent of the same age. So I'm not that damn young. If I were fully human still, I'd already have lived about half my life."
"Oh." Well, that helps some I suppose, and also explains why I'm not in jail for claiming him when he's not even a hundred yet. Time to change the subject. Let's see. There are so many that he tries to avoid, but will he continue to do so while he's drinking? "Will you tell me about our first time together?" He looks at me oddly. Okay then. "What about our first kiss at least?"
He sighs again. "I kissed you."
Now I'm confused. "I don't understand. I thought you said that you were abused by males before you came to live with me. Why would you make the first move?"
"Because I was under a spell." Okay, that makes a little more sense. "Remember my story when you were in the hospital? Jealousy's actual name is Rita - Rita Repulsa. When I was much younger, she put me under a spell and made me fight on the side of evil."
"Right but you said that the spell was broken."
"It was but what we didn't know was that she'd put a backup spell on me because she was worried about the other Rangers breaking the original spell on me. Which they did, but before she could trigger the spell, you came and took over and then after a while the Machine Empire came in to take over and her opportunity was lost. One day after you saved me, I'd had a- a- you don't have a word for it in Eltarian, but it's an extremely bad headache - so bad that it can incapacitate whomever is afflicted by it. Pina couldn't discover a reason for it with a medical scan so it was decided that you'd try a magical scan to see what might be causing it - possibly a remnant of Rita's spell since I'd only started having them after her spell was broken. Because you didn't know it was there, you accidentally triggered the spell and reverted me mentally to my formerly evil - and much more confident - younger self. As you'd switched to your monstrous form to do the scan, it reinforced the idea that I was your minion and you ordered me to my quarters to keep me from attacking the others. When you came to get me, you showed me your normal form, claiming that a situation had come up that required you to have this different look. I thought you attractive and found myself wanting to please you any way I could. I - offered to service you and kissed you to - entice you."
"You tried to seduce me?"
"Not very well. Knowing I was under a spell, you didn't really want us to be together like that so you rejected my - suggestion."
"Even so, as handsome as you are, I have no doubt - since I apparently wasn't with anyone at the time - it took a good deal of willpower to decline your offer."
"Oh, I'm sure" he agrees. "Particularly since we'd had a discussion a few days before about you being interested in having sex with me."
Again there's a surge of pheromones and lust. "And what if I asked you to mate with me now?"
"You won't."
"How can you be so sure?"
"Annwyl" Thomas says flatly. "You don't sleep around just because you can and you're still in love with him." He drains his glass and refills it once more. "Besides, I've thought I was a substitute for him before and I'll be damned if I do it again - much less on purpose."
I back down at the obvious hurt. "All right, Thomas, I'm sorry. But going back to an earlier point, Eltarian memories are strongly connected to our senses. Perhaps something as simple as a kiss - and I mean an honest meaningful one, not a peck on the cheek - could get the recovery process started."
"Zedd, I'm sorry. I can't. Not right now."
Now I'm hurt. "Why not?"
"Because we haven't mated in damn near three - no, four weeks as it is and my control is very, very thin right now. This week you haven't known who I was, so I wasn't going to force you. The week before that you were still in the hospital. The week before that you were in a coma and the week before that was a really busy one for both of us, dealing with the kids, work, and so on! Unfortunately, the primary subject you've seemed to want to talk about tonight is our mating and that's pretty much undone any help that the shot Pina gave me would have provided!" Well given his lack of willingness to talk about anything else I in fairness had little in way of topics to choose from.
Deciding not to go that route though, I try to think of a reasonable solution to his situation that that also won't result in him pulling away from me for the night again. "Can't you have another one if you need it?"
He shakes his head. "Not for twenty four hours or it will completely screw up my systems."
"Isn't there any other way then?"
"Mating or I have to take care of it myself - and that doesn't always work worth a damn" he says bluntly. "And the problem with mating is that it's usually not just once - or even twice. With things as they are right now, Zedd, I would end up - forcing you and I won't do it."
"Again?" I ask softly.
Thomas freezes, realizing that I heard him before. "Again" he confirms. He takes a deep breath and says something I'd never have expected. "Between the spell and the hormones that my human half still can't always handle, I've done that to you more than it should have ever happened and I can't keep expecting you to be understanding and forgiving about it, even if you insist you 'like it rough' at times." Well, I do in fairness hardly mind a few bites and bruises.
As I take this in, he stands up, caps the liquor bottle and puts it back in a cabinet. He picks up the glass, slams it back and heads for the door. "I'm going to bed. In the spare room. Alone. Good night, Zedd."
"Thomas, wait, please."
"I can't do this anymore tonight, Zedd. I love you and I would love nothing more than to curl up with you tonight, among other things, but I know the second I touch you I am going to completely lose what little bit of control I have left. I can't- won't do that. We'll talk in the morning after the kids go to school."
He leaves and I'm alone with my thoughts and questions. He's telling the truth about the bond. I felt it before he closed me off in the hospital and the way it made me react when he was crying is further proof that the bond exists and has for some time. So if he's telling the truth about that, then it's very likely that he's telling the truth about all the rest.
An hour later, I'm still up and thinking about things and what to do. I'm so lost in my thoughts, in fact, that I jump when Goldar speaks. "Can't sleep?"
I shake my head. "I want my memories back - at the very least of Thomas and the children and you and Pina, but the only thing I can think of to help is trying to be intimate with my - husband and he refuses to do so." It's still a little weird to think of Thomas as my husband since I'd thought that Annwyl would fill that role, but my parents confirmed it along with Thomas showing me photo albums of three different ceremonies binding us together. My attention returns to Dar when he speaks again.
"Of course he does." I give him a strange look and he, thankfully, explains without prodding. "Zedd, I may pick at him and call him a brat, but the truthfully he has a very strong sense of honor and with his physical state being what it is right now, he knows he could and probably would ultimately hurt you physically which would probably do nothing for your memory loss and most certainly upset him. When he becomes depressed over things like this, it's a very fast slide into a very deep, dark hole and it's difficult - at best - to get him out of it."
My concern for him increases. "Well it's probably not helping that he's not sleeping well." Dar looks at me curiously. "Whatever he dreams about disturbs him deeply, but he refuses to discuss that with me as well."
He curses. "I was hoping that wouldn't be an issue after all these years."
"Wait, is this a common occurrence?"
"It used to be, in fact he originally began sleeping in your chambers with you because his dreams plagued him so badly. The only way he could get through a night was with you resting beside him. I suppose that did have the positive outcome of helping him get over his fear of men like you, but-"
"Men like me?"
"Predatory, dangerous –"
"I'm hardly dangerous" I protest.
"Thirty one planets would disagree, including our home world and this one I might add. Besides, you've looked in a mirror recently, can you honestly tell me you don't have a rather distinct look now? One that would definitely be called anything but innocent and harmless." Fair point I suppose. I can also perhaps see why Annwyl would maybe want me back after ending things before as I do indeed have a very different and more appealing appearance now than I did when younger.
"That aside, do you know what these dreams of his could be about?"
"It could be any number of things. He used to have nightmares about what happened to him before you saved him, one from when he nearly killed his chosen brother, some from when he used to race cars for a living. However, if I had to guess, I'd think that the most recent dreams are probably tied to you almost dying. He saw pictures of the remains of your vehicle a few days ago."
"He did? I haven't seen them."
"I'm not surprised." He goes over to a nearby desk and paws through some things, grabs some pictures and a framed photo from the corner of the desk and returns. He holds out the framed one first. "This was taken the day you bought it." Me, Thomas and the children standing in front of a small, sporty red car. The frame has an inscription on it 'My First Mustang'. We all look so happy. He holds out a small stack of prints. "This is what it looked like after the accident and emergency personnel pried it open to get you out to save your life."
I flip through them, barely recognizing the vehicle from what it once was. How in all the hells did I survive in the first place? I try to imagine what it would be like if it had been Annwyl in that wreck instead of me and I'm surprised to find that I'm somewhat upset but it's not bad. But if Thomas was in there- Suddenly, my stomach knots up and I'm trembling. And then if he survived but he didn't know me - he only remembered being with one of his past mates? Dar takes the photos back from me and returns them to the desk. "Dar, what have I done to him?"
"Nothing you could help, my friend. The question is: what are you going to do about it now?" I think about it for a minute, but before I can respond Thomas appears in the doorway.
He ignores Dar's presence. "Zedd, I've been thinking about it and tomorrow we'll call Trey on Triforia. You can talk to Annwyl. If you talk to him and still want to be with him, then I'll make arrangements for you to go get him and go stay at Annwyl's castle with him."
Shock renders me immobile as he turns and leaves the room. When my ability for speech returns, I ask of no one in particular, "Why in all the hells would you do that?"
Dar answers me softly. "Because you've said that you'd do the same for him."
"I'd what? Did I lose my mind at some point before now?"
"There was a time before you were married that the two of you went out to a bar. A woman used him for protection from a drunk that was following her, but all you saw was her kiss him. However, since he still has a physical interest in females, he was also aroused by the kiss. It upset you since you wouldn't listen to his explanation and you wouldn't even speak to him or look at him for a few days. Then you had to take a business trip and were gone for several days. When you returned, you had decided that, if he truly wanted to be with that female, you'd let him, hoping that one day - in your words - he'd realize that you were the better choice and come back to you."
That makes no sense - unless - "It was about his happiness, rather than my own."
"Partly" he agrees. "But it was also about not forcing him to stay with you. Plus, once he became a half breed, you'd told me once that he'd only had a chance to live a very small portion of his life and now that he'd live longer, he deserved a chance to see what the universe really had to offer him."
"Even so, that was before we were married and had children. Who in their right mind abandons their younglings?"
"It happens here on Earth all the time, according to Thomas and the rest."
"Well, Eltarians don't and they don't abandon their mates." I stand up and hurry through the house to the room that Thomas has been occupying. I knock on the door lightly before trying the knob at the lack of response. It's locked and I rest my forehead lightly against the wood. "Open the door, mate. Please?" Getting again no response aside a soft muffled noise, I realize to my dismay he's crying once more, though this time trying to cover it better. "I'm not that easily gotten rid of, Thomas. There's no need to call him as I have no intention of going anywhere and I sure as hell would not return to someone who called my mate a pet and tried to make me one even if you and I weren't bonded, which again we are. Listen, I'm sorry if I hurt you, I don't know how to fix that, but I'll think of something while you hopefully get some sleep and we will talk about this some more in the morning."