TOMMY - THREE DAYS LATER

I'm in the office paying some bills while the kids are at school. Pina and Dar are talking about finding a place to stay here until Zedd's memory comes back. Until it does, we're all a little leery about him trying to access the dark power if it would be needed to protect him or the children. The last thing we need now would be for him to try to use it and be unable to control it. Mara Jane's come a very long way with controlling hers since Dulcea unlocked it, but at their last lesson she was still unable to draw his as he had hers when she attacked Jax.

He and I tried sparring yesterday and, unfortunately, I was right. His fighting skills are nowhere near where they usually are. Thankfully, I'd taken this possibility into account and had started off very easy, gradually working up to the point that he couldn't keep up anymore. I'm pulled out of my musings when I hear, "Thomas, can we talk?"

I sigh before I turn to face my mate. I'd kind of been expecting this for a few days now. Ever since I lost control a few days ago, really. I mean true he seemed all right after I'd made love to him, still a bit less cocky and confident then he'd normally be after such a matter, but I'd hoped it was still just due to his lack of memories more than anything else. "Sure, Zedd. What's up?"

He sits down in a nearby chair, again looking far too insecure and uncertain for my peace of mind. "Look, I just want to know - did I do something wrong?"

Wait, what? "Of course not, mate. Why would you think so?"

His gaze drops to his hands. "You shut me out. We haven't been intimate since the other day. You're still sleeping in the spare room. I've never been bonded and mated and married before, but, I mean, is this normal? For us at least?"

"I, Zedd I'm sorry, I just –"

"I'm not trying to push you or anything" he cuts in quickly. "It's just that Dar said you slept beside me before we were even mates, before we even knew about the bond really and if that's the case and your hormones are again under control I don't understand why you don't want to mate again or even share a bed with me unless…"

Fairly certain I'm not going to at all like where his mind is going to, I however need to ask so I can assess just how much damage I've now done here, "Unless what?"

Shrugging and again focusing on his hands, he shakes his head. "I don't know what to do to fix whatever's wrong, Thomas. I'm trying like hell to figure it out, but I feel like no matter what I do it's not going to be right and it's only going to make things worse."

Oh hell. I leave my chair and crouch next to him, taking his hands. "Zedd, mate, you have done nothing wrong. You are not the problem here, kalleimat."

"Then why-"

"I'm the problem. Look, I don't have these episodes often, mostly because we usually have the opportunity to mate frequently enough that things don't get out of control. But - when I do have them, every time I feel guilty that I've treated you that way - like you're there for nothing but my relief. And powers knows I certainly didn't want to do that to you when you don't remember me or that it's happened before or what it's like. Between that and all the other emotions that I go through, well, it's not fair to dump that on you too. That's why I closed the bond, my love. I'm sure that you're still a bit sore after all that too. That's why we haven't mated again since then. And, quite frankly, I'm still sleeping in the spare room because - again - after I treated you the way I did, I wasn't sure you'd be comfortable having your attacker in the same bed with you."

Relief lights his eyes briefly before he looks uncertain once more. "So - you aren't avoiding me because I was, um, not a good bed partner?"

My guilt ramps up once more. "Oh god no, Zedd. Kalleimat, again, I'm the problem not you. You picked up on making love just as quickly as you did the first time. Quicker, really, since you had no preconceived ideas about what to expect."

"I thought I was so horrible at it that you didn't want me anymore" he admits lowly. He gives me a small smile. "I'm glad that's not the case."

"I'm so sorry. I should have explained it to you, but I just couldn't. I didn't want to put the idea in your head while you were still suffering from what I'd put you through."

"Will you-" He stops and takes a breath, seeming to gather his courage. "Will you let me in then?"

"I can't, mate."

"Why not?"

"I don't know if I can explain it to you so that it makes sense, Zedd. I've tried before, but you don't get it."

"Try again? Maybe if I don't have thousands of years of preconceived notions working against you, I might understand better now."

I sigh. "I doubt it will help, mate. Even at the best of times my - humanness - seems to at least confuse you, if not frustrate or irritate you."

"And yet I suspect that it's also the reason I fell in love with you in the first place."

I barely refrain from rolling my eyes. "Zedd, you fell in love with me because of the bond."

"That's not how a bond works. It doesn't dictate feelings, nor do feelings create this kind of bond. A bond, well, it goes beyond something as simple and basic as feelings. It's - a connection between souls, I guess is the best way to say it."

"Really? I thought…"

"Somehow I get the feeling I've explained this to you before, Thomas. You didn't believe me, did you?"

"I thought the only reason you wanted to be with me was because of the bond. I thought you just told me that so that I'd stop resisting the relationship" I admit, ashamed.

"So for however many years, you've thought I lied to you - apparently repeatedly?" Well not for a bad reason at least.

"When you told me that, I was a mess and a half. It was just you, Pina, Dar and me at the castle. Jason and Andros had just left from visiting us and the three of you caught the Earth flu, apparently from Jason. I had been functioning on brief naps for a week, still not fully recovered from what had happened to me at the hospital. Oh, right - and I wasn't a half breed yet so the lack of sleep was pretty hard on my still human body."

He looks at me, shocked. "Then why-"

"There was nobody else to help and you and Dar had it the worst. Pina fell ill the day after. Her case wasn't quite as bad as yours but all three of you were very sick and needed help."

"So caring for us cost you part of your recovery?"

"No! That's not what I meant. I was pretty well fully healed physically, but mentally not so much. I still didn't understand why you'd want to be with me for any other reason aside the bond, especially given how bratty and useless I was at the time."

"I highly doubt you were any such thing."

"Trust me, Goldar didn't pull his nickname for me out of thin air, nor have I been free of any blame where a good many of our past arguments and fights have been concerned. Look, we've gotten way off topic here though. The fact is that you've done nothing wrong. When these episodes happen, after they're over I don't deal with the emotions that go with it well. To you, it's no big deal that I get rough when I lose control. To you, it's just me being rough and aggressive during sex. To me, I can't control what's going on and I hate that I can't but at the same time there's a freedom to it that I both relish and loathe." His brow furrows as he tries to take this in.

"I don't understand." Not surprised. I move to stand up, but his grip on my hands tighten. "Let me feel what you mean. Open the bond." I give him a look. "Please."

I take a deep breath and let it out slowly. I lock eyes with him and do as he's asked. I'm determined to watch the love that was starting to grow for me die. The bond open, he's getting it all - guilt, shame, fear, dominance, submission, pride, pleasure (both guilty and not), depression, pain. I let him stew in it for a minute before closing him off again. "Now you know."

It takes him almost a full minute to recover before he speaks slowly. "You- have a lot of going on in your head."

"I know."

"No, I mean a lot."

"Yeah."

"Is that part of you being human?"

"Maybe, it's my understanding that Eltarians don't handle more than one emotion at a time very well. You seem to be able to manage with a couple at once now, but again I think that's because you have had to deal with all of mine on a constant basis. You asked me once to explain my train of thought when I was in a particular mood one day. I think I rambled on a bit, because after an hour or so you apologized for asking, went to lay down, and haven't done so again since."

Looking thoughtful for a moment, he gives a slow nod. "So all that you have going on now, all of that is centered on this last 'episode' as you call it?"

"Mostly. Some of my guilt is now due to unintentionally hurting your feelings and making you question your ability to mate with me, but yes, the majority is still centered on losing control and harming you."

"Well, it's obvious what you need to do now."

"Lock myself away when I get that bad?" Because at this point that as is beginning to look more and more appealing than having to deal with all of this after the fact.

"No, you need to get used to being more aggressive. If you do it when you're in control of yourself, then you'll establish a pattern that very well might take over when you don't have control. Of course you also need to stop shutting me out through the bond, and making us and the children suffer by sleeping alone."

"Zedd I- wait what? What do you mean the children?" Thrown briefly by the mention of the kids, I'm surprised and again rather upset with myself by what he says next.

"Jacob came to our room last night. He had a nightmare and was looking for us, but only found me. He asked where you were given it was clearly late at night and I'd been trying to sleep when he ran in crying." Fuck. "I said you didn't feel well and were worried I'd get sick so you went to try and get some rest in the other room. I don't like lying to our children, but it seemed the better option at the time. Though in fairness that's not even an option with Mara Jane given she's well aware we haven't spent a night in the same room together since I got home. I'm going to assume we haven't explained to her what mating is given her age, but I'm also going to assume she's intelligent enough to know that as mates we're supposed to be with each other when we go to bed and the fact we're not is a good indication that everything is not okay."

"We haven't explained mating to her fully, no, though thanks to the type of self-defense you taught her when she was seven she is aware of at least one difference between males and females."

"What do you mean?"

Explaining her habit of aiming directly for a very sensitive area on at least two males in the past, one of which Zedd told her directly to do, I know I should be unsurprised as he makes a slight noise of approval.

"Well, while I'm sure this is a subject we disagree on much like you being aggressive in bed and me being fine with it, I'm going to have to say I'm happy I did teach her to do that as I'd rather her bring a few males to their knees then run the risk of her going through what you went through at that hospital place you were abused in. If I'd have to guess I'd say that worry probably played a valid part in why I taught her that to begin with."

"When you put it like that, I see your point, but that little trick isn't going to work on every male - human or not."

"Probably not, but I'm fairly certain that, with the skills you showed when we sparred, that you've taught her a few others." I nod. "Now, back to another subject. For whatever reason that I don't understand, you still feel badly about losing control. I'm fine and not traumatized in the least. I forgive you if that helps at all even though there's really nothing to be forgiven. So now will you please move back into our bed? For the children's sake if nothing else?"

"Really? You just had to play that card, didn't you?" I drop his hands and stand up. "That's not fair, Zedd!"

Quietly, he says, "I'm sorry, Thomas, it's the only thing that I could think of. You won't do it for me. You certainly won't do it for yourself. No matter how much you need it too, you won't allow yourself the comfort."

Before he can continue or I can respond, the front door crashes open. A female voice bellows out, "Tommy Oliver! Where the hell are you?"

Uh oh. Ignoring Zedd's questioning look, I call back, "In the office!" I glance at Zedd. "If you value your life, sit still and say nothing. I mean it."

I turn my attention to the doorway which now contains an absolutely furious Yellow Ranger. "Have you lost your mind again? Had another major head injury? Are you out of what passes for your tiny little mind?!"

Foolishly, Zedd speaks. "I don't think that's necessary-"

Trembling in obvious rage, she turns on him. "Shut. Up. I'll get to you in a minute." She advances on me as he's stunned into silence. She's in my face and poking her finger in my chest, forcing me to back up. "You have better have a damn good explanation for what's going on or I swear by the powers that I will take you in the backyard and make you very sorry for it."

"Um, that depends on what you think is going on?"

She gives me a look that says I'd better rethink that last remark and fast. Unwisely, Zedd speaks again. "Look, I-"

"I said I'll deal with you in a minute! Now, if you'd rather take your turn first, that's fine with me!" Wide eyed and unsure how to deal with the whirlwind that's just invaded our home, he simply shakes his head. She turns back on me. "Now tell me what you think you're doing!"

I sigh. "You know how I am. I'm just-"

She rolls her eyes. "Yeah, yeah, yeah - guilt and remorse and depression and protection. Look, this isn't the first time it's happened and it likely won't be the last. Every time you do the same crap and Zedd keeps telling you it isn't necessary. You haven't broken him, he's not afraid of you and you need to get a grip on this whole white knight complex thing you've got going on!"

"White knight complex?" Oh hell. Zedd really needs to learn to follow simple directions.

She turns and walks over to him, sets her hands on the arms of his chair almost nose to nose with him. Her tone is saccharine sweet when she addresses him. "Zedd, be a dear and shut the hell up. I'm given to understand that you won't remember me and I'm going to reintroduce myself shortly, but you need to be patient. Now, sit here quietly like a good boy and wait your turn."

I get the feeling that she's this pissed off because her visit with whoever it is she's seeing was interrupted - or because she wasn't called right away. Maybe both. Still, I need to interfere for Zedd's sake - and hers. "He's not the one you're really mad at, Kira, so back off him."

She turns back to me. "Oh don't worry, Tommy. I've already had words with Scorpina and Goldar. And now it's your turn. Why in the hell did I have to find out what happened through the grapevine instead of from you?"

Seriously? Little sister like or not, I don't have to take this. "Because I didn't think about it! All I was worried about is whether or not Zedd would live and making sure that the kids were taken care of!"

"But you could make time to call Pina and Dar!"

"What were you going to do, Kira? Sit in the waiting room at the hospital with everybody else?"

"Yes! If that was all I could do, then yes! But I could have helped with the kids too! Jesus, Tommy, I was there when they were born! I was the first person they saw! I thought we were a family! A patchwork quilt of a family, but a family all the same and you left me out! Would you even have bothered to call me if he'd died?"

"You're assuming I wouldn't have died too! And quite frankly, even if I didn't I doubt I'd have been in any kind of shape to call anybody! You may be like my little sister, Kira, but he and the kids are my whole world - my universe! And that's why it bothers me so much when I lose control and hurt him!" I take a deep breath and force myself to calm down. "Kira, my brother and I get along all right, but we aren't close like you or Pina or even Dar are to me. My grandfather probably doesn't have many more years left. My immediate blood family is nearly gone. The four of you and the kids are my family and it almost kills me when any one of you gets hurt, but when I'm the one causing it - it's just that much worse for me."

"Then maybe you should stop causing it now" Zedd interrupts softly. "Blocking me and not wanting to touch me isn't hurting just you. As I said the kids, or at least our daughter knows something's wrong on top of what's already wrong with me, I can't remember anyone in our chosen family, neither of us can sleep, and despite being with my family and my mate I feel like I'm completely alone." Taking a shallow breath he continues sounding as near defeat as I've ever heard him. "Not to mention, as I said before, I have no clue how to fix any of it despite every part of me demanding I find a way to. I don't know what you want or need me to do to make it okay, but if you'll tell me I'll do it. I can't go through this again."

"Go through what?"

"Being discarded. My family ships me off when they don't want to deal with me, my former mate was just using me until I was more trouble to him then I was worth, I get that I'm a screw up, but I would hold out a slim bit of hope that my mate, especially one I'm bonded to would stand by me." Head dropping in surrender, he mutters something to himself before speaking up once more. "If you don't want to lay with me, I won't force you to as that wouldn't do either of us any good. You can have our bedroom back though; I can't sleep in there with your scent on everything and you not there."

"Zedd, I'm not discarding you. And I never said that I didn't want to touch you. And I can't even begin to understand how you think I'm not standing by you! I already explained the not laying by you thing and why I shut you out. I just showed you - let you feel how crazy things are in my head right now."

Slowly, he says, "You don't have to say it Thomas, the fact you won't do it is enough even without the words. You are also, as I pointed out, still blocking me. As I said, just because we're in the same house doesn't mean I don't feel completely alone right now, especially when I know you're purposefully keeping me out, despite my assurances that I'm okay with your emotions. If anything they would give me something to focus on and perhaps even the feel of something familiar. Finally, yes, you did just explain the laying by me thing and I just told you it wouldn't be a problem. With that in mind, then there's no reason for you not to be in the same bed with me tonight."

"Only if you are very, very sure, Zedd." Deciding to take a chance, I finally give voice to another of my concerns. "Everything I've been doing is because I'm trying to cope with my mate being gone. I'm sorry, Zedd, but I don't know who you are or were or whatever and I'm afraid that something that I say or do that wouldn't have bothered you in the least a month ago will hurt or upset you now because you don't know why I'd say or do such a thing. You aren't the Zedd I know and I really don't know how to behave around you anymore. I know it's not your fault, but-" I shrug my shoulders helplessly. "Just like you, I don't know what to do or how to fix this without accidentally making it worse."

"I don't either, but I do know that you letting me near you can't possibly be any worse than keeping me a distance, like you're doing now."

The three of us fall silent. Suddenly, Kira says, "Maybe that's part of the problem." We look at her, puzzled. "Pina told me that Eltarian memories are very connected to their senses. Well the things we see and hear are part of our senses - major parts. Maybe, because you're treating him differently than you normally would, it's slowing things down. I mean, even if you don't know what to say or do around each other, I have lived with you both long enough to know that the lack of physical contact alone is not normal for either of you."

Before I can start to feel guilty about possibly delaying his recovery, Zedd remarks, "That makes a lot of sense. I didn't even think of that." Well, if he didn't think of it…

Kira continues, "So - here's what I suggest. You two sleep in the same bed tonight. Then tomorrow from the minute you wake up, treat him like you used to, Tommy. Zedd, whatever he says or does, don't act - react. Whatever your first impulse is, go with it. That could be your subconscious trying to break through so let it."

"It's worth a try" he admits. "After all, what we have been doing hasn't been working very well."

"But what if-"

"Thomas, we won't know until we try. She might be right."

Finally, I give in. "All right. We'll try it." And I hope and pray that he doesn't end up more hurt than he already is. I look at the Ranger before me. "How short did you cut your visit with whoever you're seeing?"

"Don't worry about that right now. On another subject, I did bring someone with me." She turns back toward the doorway. "Come on in!"

"You're still speaking Eltarian, Kira" I point out.

The voice in the doorway responds, "That's fine. I understood her very well."

"Serena?" Zedd says, shocked. "What are you doing here?"

She raises an eyebrow at him. "Really, Zeddic? I'm not Jax, you know. My favorite big brother almost dies and you think I'm going to stay home?"

She hurries over and hugs him as he says, "I'm your only big brother."

"Thus my favorite by default. Although it's not really a stretch to say that you're my favorite all around."

He studies her when she pulls back. "Never mind the changes in me, the changes in you make it more than clear how much time has passed. I know you're only a few years behind me, but still."

"Zeddic, in all those years, I've been married, had thirteen children and my husband has died. Of course it's going to show."

Uncertainly, he says, "I'm sorry for your loss?"

She laughs. "I'm not. And when you remember him, you won't be either. You hated him from the moment you met him and he spent quite a lot of time proving you right."

"Did I kill him?"

"No. He had a brain condition and ultimately took his own life after having a go at me and my five eldest children."

"You were going to, though" I put in. "She and the kids showed up at your parents' house after the attack. We were on Eltar visiting when it happened. Once we got her and the kids settled down somewhat, you were ready to head out to kill him but I made you wait since I was going to go with you. While you waited for me, law enforcement showed up to tell her about his death."

Suddenly I hear the school bus outside. "The kids are home."

Serena and Kira both smile. "It's been too long since I've seen my niece and nephew" Serena says and Kira agrees.

"For me too."

I hear Mara Jane say to her brother. "Wait a minute, Jacob. Something's wrong. The front door shouldn't be open like this. Daddy! Papa!"

"It's all right, Mara Jane. Somebody just forgot to close the door behind them when they came in. Don't forget to close it behind you, though."

Still waiting in the doorway as I've yet to hear her move, her reply holds a clear note of worry. "Where are you?"

"In the office." Abruptly I realize that she's uncertain, waiting to find that we're being held captive and forced to say these things.

Simultaneously, Kira and Serena call out, "I've come for a visit!"

The children cry out happily and in a moment are in their aunts' arms, Jacob with Serena and Mara Jane with Kira. In fairness, Kira and Mara Jane are closer, having spent much more time in each other's company than Kira with Jacob. I can't help but smile at the excited chatter between the four of them. That is until Mara Jane says, "I can't believe you came!"

I exchange a quick confused look with Zedd. "Mara Jane, what do you mean you can't believe they came?"

She bites her lip. "I - I'm sorry, Daddy. I just wanted to help and Aunt Pina and Uncle Dar said there was nothing they could do."

"So you called Aunt Kira and Aunt Serena."

"Not right away" she admits. "I called my grandparents first."

"Mother didn't know what to do to help either, so she called me for ideas. I'd already made up my mind to come and see Zeddic, and in fact had already contacted Kira who suggested we travel together. By the time Mara Jane called Kira, we were already on our way, but we didn't tell her that. We kept it a surprise so that she couldn't and wouldn't let anything slip."

I shake my head. "You, young lady, are as devious as your papa, Aunt Pina and or Uncle Dar ever were. And I'm proud of you for it." I pull her into my arms and hug her tightly. "I love you."

"You aren't mad?"

"I'm a little disappointed that you felt that you couldn't come to me and talk about it, but that's my fault not yours. You did what you thought was right. Don't ever be afraid to do that."

"You might be wrong, but you'll have done it for the right reasons" Zedd agrees.