Hello, sorry for the wait, I suck, you guys are awesome.
REVIEWAH WORSHIP!
Pichi Wo: snif You're so mean...
LeSoleilAvantLeCrepuscule: Totally. :3
Invader-Nehima: They are exactly the same height. Fuck the Uncertainty Principle, they are exACTly the same height.
Kikyo's killer: It's a short people thing.
MewMewVanilla: Chloroform's a sedative. People put it on rags and hold it to other people's noses to knock 'em out.
Mizuki hikari: Will do:D
BlackFire-Dog: You know, puppy-dog eyes, 'cept better.
I DIDN'T REPEAT! BWAHAHAHA!
Greedy Ed: You don't have to lie just to make me feel better, you know.
imyourvillain: You'll find out the Bastard's name soon enough. -cough cough I haven't come up with it yet cough cough-
Vad Mustang: MP: That's Apocalypse.
Me: Shh! Stop correcting the readers!
darkgreenpriestess: Thanks for the WLP!
Neo Diji: I still can't get over the fact that THE Neo Diji reviews my crap! I'm glad you can find some worthwhile bits in this!
MP: She's lying to be nice.
Me: I knew that!
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Disclaimer: See Prologue, and I don't own Klondike either.
Dedication: To everyone who's ever had to stand on the counter to reach the top shelf. You are loved.
Black Cat Chapter 3
OH. MY. GOD.
Nonononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononoooooooooooooooooooooooooooo! This is bad! Very bad! There are things in that house Ed is definitely not ready to see! Condoms, for instance! At least, I hope he's not interested in those just yet...
Cutting off that train of thought right there.
I awoke to find myself in a cab, being driven, apparently, to my house. Hawkeye was in the front, and Ed was next to me, fuming. Something wasn't quite right here, though...
Then it hit me. "Is Al driving?"
The car jolted and lifted into the air.
"...in the loosest possible since of the word..."
"YEEEEEE-HAAAW!"
Oh dear lord.
I am discovering religion. Toldja.
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We eventually got to my manse, with nothing more than a brain fracture on my part, and got out of the car.
"Home sweet home," I sighed, and ran forward and opened the door.
Or... tried to.
"Ed...? Could you get over here and- Ed? Al?"
They were standing there, staring up at soemthing.
I took a quick glance upwards. Nothing but the house.
"Is something wrong?"
Ed found his tongue. "That... is a fucking huge house."
I frowned. "Is it? It's only got four aboveground stories."
Al coughed. "Umm... how many belowground?"
"Two. But the bottom one's just a wine cellar," I said dismissively.
"Do you have any idea how rich you are?"
"Please, Ed, Al, just help the Colonel get into his house."
Hawkeye pulled out their luggage and laid it on the sidewalk, then drove off. After several seconds more gaping, the Elric brothers attempted to enter the house.
"What the- It's locked?"
"Uh, yeah, that's what I said..."
"Then open it, Bastard!"
I flinched. He had to pick Bastard...
"My keys are in my uniform."
"Yeah? And?"
"And my uniform is currently in the house of an insane alchemist."
"So how the fuck are we supposed to get into the house!"
"Big Brother?"
"Uh? Yeah?"
"You're screaming."
Brief silence. Brief, blessed, sacred silence.
Ed continued in a whisper, "But how do we..."
I sighed, and said in a exaggerated, 'I'm talking to a numbskull' voice, "Clap... and... slap."
Ed, went "Oh," and blasted my door to pieces.
"YOU STU-! You could've just alchemized the lock open!"
Ed blinked. "Oh, yeah..."
This was going to be an exceedingly long day.
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I'd forgotten what a pain in the ass it was to live in a world made for giants. Stupid motherfucker peanut butter jar...
Ed came in and saw me on the counter. "MUSTANG!"
I turned around and said, "Mm? Oh. goody. I need some help."
"I SHOULD THINK SO! What on earth compelled you to stand on the counter?"
"How else was I supposed to get the peanut butter?"
"USE YOUR BRAIN, BASTARD!"
SNAP. "STOP CALLING ME A BASTARD! DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW SHITTY THAT MAKES ME FEEL?" I leaped down and stood in front of Ed. "YOU STUPID, INSENSITIVE SONUVA-"
I was stopped by an insanely pleasant sensation at the back of my head. It felt like a indefinitely long orgasm, I kid you not. As my senses faded and my cat brain took over, I registered that Ed was scratching me behind the ears...
The next thing I knew, I was flat on my back on the floor, and Ed himself was standing on the counter looking insanely freaked. And blush-y. (And cute as a button?) Ignoring that...
Ed began screeching at me. I couldn't really register what he was saying. It sounded a bit like this:
"NEEEYAGABAABAFHINEENEENEEEOOWAHHHHHH!"
I groaned. "What happened?"
He stopped screaming, hyperventilated for a second, then said, "You- you NUZZLED me!"
Wait. What?
"I was scratching you behind the ears to make you shut up-"
"WHAT!"
"-and then you got all weird and meowy and started nuzzling me, you PERVERT!"
"PERVERT YOURSELF! YOU SCRATCHED ME BEHIND THE EARS LIKE- LIKE I WAS A CAT!"
"FOR ALL INTENTS AND PURPOSES, YOU HALFWAY ARE!"
"FINE, THEN! WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU SCRATCH A MOTHERFUCKING CAT BEHIND THE EARS? IT NUZZLES YOU!"
"Could you guys keep it down? It sounds like you two ae having a lover's tiff down here.
Insert glare duet.
"Oohoohoo!" giggled Alphonse as he ran like hell down the hallway.
There was a brief silence.
Tehre was Ed, panting, sweaty, red in the face (and the schmeckschiescht thing I've ever seen.)
"SHUT UP!"
Ed controlled his temper¹. "I didn't say ANYTHING, Mustang."
"No, not you!" (Yes, him. Oh, yes.) "SHUT UP!"
He leered at me. "What, been listening to the voices in your head again?"
"NO! I'm NOT listening to them. Ya HEAR ME?"
The leer began to drop. "Colonel, are you okay?"
"NO! I mean, yes! I... just need a nap."
"Okay..."
I was asleep before I realized that Ed had actually expressed concern for my well-being.
It's a miracle of sorts...
-it's already over?-
Me: This sucked shit too.
MP: Uh... well, yeah, but not as much.
Me: I have to reach Chapter 5 so I can write drabbles again!
MP: Oh, that's sooo much bettter.
Sarcasm: drips off of MP
FOOTNOTES!
1: Give that man a Klondike Bar.