Hey! SOOO sorry for the wait! Not posting anything else is killing me. As a result, this is turning into humor. Sigh...
REVIEWAH WORSHIP!
katsuro-chan: Yay! More praise! -egoegoegoego-
FyreOpal25: Isn't it sweet, though?
LeSoleilAvantLeCrepuscule: Nice username. No, Ed does for controlling his temper.
MewMewVanilla: -gives one to Edward- Good boy.
Roy: -steals-
darkgreenprietess: Updated! ...but not soon. TTTT
anmbucuconnfan: Mike Pack here. -deflects good luck-
Me: ( 8' 0 Meanie!
Kikyo's killer: IT was! This one... may be shorter. But then again, it might not. -shrugs-
BlackFire-Dog: That's what stilts are for.
Neo Diji: I flame my own stories because... IT'S FUN! XD
Invader-Nehima: Krinne? That your muse?
MP: W'sup?
Greedy Ed: Thanks:D
Disclaimer: See Prologue.
Dedication: To all those people out there who ever look at a job they have to do and must fight the urge to scream " Don't wanna don't wanna don't wanna don't WANNA!" like a three-year old. -coughs-
Chapter Four
I woke up, and checked all my vital signs. Heartbeat? Check. Pulse? Check. Cat ears? Double check. Roaring, gravel-in-the-gears-loud stomach? Check, check, check. "Fullmetal..."
No response. He must have gone elsewhere.
Shrimpo didn't even get me my peanut butter.
Making sure to be absolutely silent, I crept into the kitchen.
Operation: Get Peanut Butter commencing... NOW.
I was about to get up onto the counter again when I remembered Ed's request that I find another way. Command, really. But apparently he meant well, which was odd, because if I was him, I'd leave the Taisa on the counter to fall and crack his skull wiiide open.
So, as 'requested,' I used my brain and got a piece of chalk and the footstool.
I stood on the footstool's top step. As predicted, too short. But that's not a problem to a State Alchemist.
I drew a quick circle on the stool, activated it, and was soon standing right in front of the peanut butter jar. I allowed myself a brief smirk. Vicktowy.
I turned around to turn the footstool back, and dropped the chalk.
Oh. Shit.
"Al? Ed? Preferably Al? I need some heeeeeelp! HEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLP!"
Predictably, the person who heard me was- Fullmetal.
"What did you do this time, you- ROY! WHAT THE FUCK?"
"I used my brain, just like you told me," I said, uncomfortably aware of how much I sounded like a proud toddler. Changing tack, I yelled, "And look where it got me!"
Ed paused. "What the hell did you do?"
Genuine curiosity. Or perhaps he's collecting blackmail. Either way, I can't get down till I tell him.
"I got out the footstool, and it was too short. So I transmuted it to make it taller, and then I dropped the chalk. Get me down, will ya?"
He looked for a moment like he would laugh, and then he sighed. "What happened to improved muscles and catlike reflexes? Why didn't you just jump?"
Actually, that hadn't really occurred to me, but there was no way in hell I was going to tell him that.
Jumping to the island, and then to the floor, I said, "You didn't have all that much confidence in them yourself, when I was just standing on the counter. I stand on a wobbly five-foot tall tower, and you somehow think that's safer?"
He sighed, then grumbled out, "Alright, so I was paranoid... but that still doesn't change the fact that you screamed for help like a little wussy when you could've just jumped down without my ever knowing!"
"Well, excuse me for respecting your wishes." And I opened the peanut butter. "Gimme a spoon, will ya?"
"You're going to eat it straight from the jar?"
"Yeah..."
"That's so GROSS!"
"Whatever. Spoon please."
"Even if I knew where the spoons were, I'm not going to aid and abet in your grossness!
"Top middle drawer, in the silverware tray. I've done this before, you realize."
There was a pause, as I mulled over the past few minutes.
"Ever get the feeling you're having two different conversations at once with the same person?" I inquired conversationally.
Ed blinked, completely thrown by the change in subject.
I opened the silverware drawer. "You know, where every time you say something, you address two completely unrelated subjects?"
I plunged the spoon into the jar as he said, "You're not making any sense. Are you drunk?"
"As a teetotaler," I said, walking out of the kitchen and licking the spoon.
Brief, blessed silence.
I sighed. "A teetotaler, Fullmetal, is-"
"I KNOW WHAT A TEETOTALER IS! YOU'RE DOING IT! EWW! GROSS!"
"What's he doing? Masturbating?"
"I'm not going to dignify that question with a reply, Al." I attempted to scuttle away...
and failed. "Stop right there, you eater-out-of-the-jar! Al, look at 'im! He's eating straight from the peanut butter jar!"
Al sniffed. "I wish I could eat straight from the jar..." To me, he signaled, 'RUN.'
And run I did. These Elric boys think they can just just order me about, don't they? It makes me mad.
-------------------------
I went into my room and let my cat mind take over. About three hours later, I was back in control.
Drapes... I need to get new drapes...
--------------------------
Next day, we all went to the office, even though I was a chimera now. You'd think that counted for something. But then again, I didn't really want to stay in that huge old house anyway. (Not when there's Edward...) What? No. Besides, he's a jerk. (Maybe, but-)
I cut off... whatever it is... right there.
I had kneel in m y chair to sign the paperwork, which was a pain in the ass. Literally. It gave me a real cramp in my tail, so I laid down, very carefully, on the desk.
I had three-fucking-feet of extra space. Stupid giant evil tall long desk.
Then Hawkeye saw me and persuaded me to sit down.
Spackle... I'm, out of Spackle...
I sighed. This was really too much. I didn't want to sit down and hurt my tail! My shoulders began to cramp.
Don't WANT to sign all these fucking motherfucker sheets of paper.
There goes my lower back.
Why do we need all this paper, anyway? Especially when I'm ill.
Shoulder tendons at snapping point...
Don't wanna.
Don't WANna.
Don't wanna don't wanna don't WANNA!
"ARRGH!" I screamed, and took the top sheet of paper in my mouth and sank my claws and fangs in it and ripped it up.
When the fog of rage cleared from my mind, I was standing on the desk, with shreds of paper in my mouth and hands, with the entire office staring at me.
Several thoughts ran through my head at once:
What in the world persuaded me to leave the door open? That would be Hawkeye.
MotherFUCK.
Damn these frigging' adolescent mood swings.
Hawkeye is gonna KILL me.
And so on.
"Chief? ...You okay?"
I blinked. "Yeah, fine." And a fluttering scrap of paper fell from my mouth.
Ed sighed. "This is going to be a looong infinity."
-this is the sound of ending-
A/n
MP: You procrastinating bastard!
Me: I know, I know!
Roy: When do we get the limes?
Me: -shoves a slice of lime into Roy's mouth-
Ed: -walks up and frenches Roy-
Several Hours later...
Ed: -breaks away for air- That tasted great.
Roy: You know what else tastes great?
Director: CUT CUT CUUUUT!